boyfriend gone back with ex thoughts?

[crustyjojo]

I got into a new relationship without looking for it. He pursued me - bigstyle. We were together 4 months and a real whirlwind romance. Flowers, dinners, the full works and completely fell in love with him. We knew each other vaguely through a local sports club. Anyway his ex girlfriend came back on the scene after being overseas. They had been broken up around 5 months earlier. She began calling, texting, emailing, calling round to the house. The crux of it is he decided he had unresolved feeling for her and has gone back to her. I'm devastated to say the least.

 

We already had plans for holidays - I was at his house in some way or another most days. What is worse is that all his family are telling him that he is making a huge mistake going back to her and he should be with me. It is lovely that they feel that way, but it is making me so confused about what to do. They knew this girl and how they were together, so I guess I am hoping that they are right and we will get back together. We are the same age as each other, and the ex is 15 years younger than him.

 

He also wants us to be friends and keep in touch mainly because we have shared interest at the sports club. We also live in a small place so will probably pass by each other most days. I've been through a divorce and break ups before, but nothing like this. I literally feel that my whole world has fallen apart.

 

I am trying to piece my life back together and stay out of contact, but it is also difficult when his family are still contacting me - I guess because they feel I was so wronged.

 

Any help or advise - PLEASE

[january2011]

Sorry, no "take backsies."

 

As painful as it is, it is better that he did this early rather than after years of a shared life together.

 

The reason why it feels so painful is because of the whirlwind aspect. You were both caught up in limerance and there isn't a story arc of the relationship deteriorating and therefore it doesn't "make sense." Rather you broke up when it was all still hopeful and magical and you'd started to have dreams of the future. It's the loss of those dreams that makes this hard to bear.

 

But, again, no "take backsies." He has made a choice and he chose her. Do not let him spin you the line of being friends. This is potentially an underhand way to keep you pining for him and waiting in the wings in case it doesn't work out with his ex. You deserve more than to be a back-up girlfriend. Do not allow yourself to invest your heart and time in someone who is merely hedging his bets.

 

Take this as a full-on break up and go no contact. You need to go cold turkey so that you can get your life back on track. If he asks to be friends, say "no, that won't be possible, I'd prefer that you didn't contact me again." Then delete and block him. Ask his family to stop contacting you as it is too painful and you need time to heal.

[crustyjojo]

Thanks for the advice. I am going to go no contact for a number of reasons. I saw him on Saturday and he approached me to chat. On a couple of occasions he actually reached to touch me then stopped himself. Thats partly why I am finding this so confusing.

 

I feel I need to go NC partly for my sanity, but also that he understands I'm not going to wait. I did actually tell him that.

 

I guess what is bothering me is his families reaction. They are adamant that she is wrong for him and i know and have told him that he needs to find that out for himself. I'm too understanding for my own good at times, but I do understand that he needs to see.

 

I'd still be interested in other peoples opinions

[McGriff]

Your situation is almost exactly the same as mine, except I am a guy. Our "whirlwind" was 5 months, and the end came in a matter of 24 hours. I mean, two days before (Valentines day) she was completely in love with me. She went cold and a picture on Facebook showed her with her ex, although she initially denied it. The crazy thing is, we have NO NEGATIVE HISTORY. I mean it was a fairy tale til the end. Her ex is a complete scumbag, but they have 4 years together. He cheated on her numerous times, and even sent her a video after they broke up showing him having sex with another woman. I just don't get it. Probably never will. I am at a week NC, and this weekend was the first weekend since October that we haven't spoken, so it was tough.

 

The other posters' advice is solid, and actually what I need to hear for myself. Like me, you don't have much choice but to go NC until he has time to let his ex show that nothing's changed. He'll probably reach out to you at that point, but you have to ask some tough questions, namely that are you ok with him choosing his ex over you? If the answer is yes, then you (like me) have self esteem problems and need to work on yourself and your self confidence.

[crustyjojo]

Thanks for the insight, and Januarys advice is valid. My thing is that I do actually understand his need to resolve his feelings for her and to put them to bed one way or another. I told him that if I was in that situation - that if the what ifs were playing on my mind then you need to resolve that not matter how sh***y that is for me.

 

No I am not OK with him choosing her over me, but I also know from his (older 40+)sister that the ex is manipulative - I dont know if that is down to her age and inmaturity or whatever. In some ways, I guess what is bugging me like January says is that nothing was wrong with us, actually it was great - beyond great. And also that his family were super thrilled that he was in a mature relationship with someone his age finally.

 

Either way, it is a crappy situation and I guess only time will tell.

 

I know I can get through a breakup as I've been through a divorce. what is bugging me more is my gut feeling -and I'm a great believer in gut feelings. I feel deep down that we are right for each other and we are supposed to be together.

[crustyjojo]

Being a rebound hurts. Sorry this happened to you.

 

 

I dont know if this was a rebound or not after a 5 month break up. Like I say he pursued me not the other way round and was really persistant - thats what I dont get.