Jump to content

We're reconciling..But he just added his ex girlfriend on facebook?

BrokenHearted101

By BrokenHearted101
in Second Chances

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

BrokenHearted101 Member

BrokenHearted101

Posted
Posted (edited)

Tuesday would be our one year anniversary.. I lost my virginity with him. Big deal to me, especially since I'd waited til age 21, and we were very serious and discussing getting married when we graduated.

 

***Little preface: Prior to me, he had one girlfriend "Alex" his sophmore year of college (2 years ago). He was a virgin. She told him a month in if he wouldn't have sex, she was done. She on the other hand had been with over 10 guys before they got together (she didn't tell him this til later).***

It killed me to know he took her for weekends away, and stayed at her apartment (neither of which we had a chance to do, because I live with family while finishing my undergrad). It always made me a little insecure--even during sex. He says NOTHING but awful about her. HE BROKE UP WITH HER after 8 months, and she instantly deleted/blocked him on facebook. She's the ONLY girl he's ever said I love you to, or been intimate with besides me.

 

Anyways, he and I are reconciling, and things look good. Friday we spent the day together. He told me he's been on a couple dates with other girls since the breakup. He also told me Alex has been texting him, "Apparently she saw my pic changed [from one of us together to JUST him] on fb." Imagine my surprise when I got home..looked at his profile, and he’s now FRIENDS with alex on facebook, in the last few days

 

She now lives 1000 miles away, so there's no threat, but it still bothers me.

I mentioned this to him on the phone tonight, and he immeaditly got mad and defensive. He told me quote: “At the time I didn’t think you and I would work things out. She added me. We’ve been texting. She’s being really nice. She tells me she still cares about me (gee no ****?), I don’t think she and I will ever get back together (WHAT THE FUQ? WHY AM I EVEN TALKING TO YOU THEN?). It’s facebook. It’s not a big deal. “

I asked him if it would be okay if I sent any/all guys I was ever involved with a friend request--he exploded.

 

I reminded him...Alex is the girl who tried to install spyware on his phone (that would forward all his texts to her). Who yelled at him after a romantic weekend away. The girl he says he couldn’t stand spending several days straight with. Who accused him of cheating on her..because SHE had an yeast infection. He even told me once last winter, after a fight I didn’t deserve: “I’m sorry. Sometimes...I think they last one messed me up bad.” He would never have put up with ANY OF THAT from me

 

He told me if we work things out and get back together, he will delete her out of his life. Not til then.

I'm pretty speechless. In order for us to get back together, he wants me to talk to my parents--get them to welcome him back (they loathe him right now, and will not even let him set foot in the house). WHY WOULD I risk EVERYTHING with my parents, FOR A GUY WHO WON'T BE WILLING TO SHOW ME I MEAN MORE THAN AN EX GIRLFRIEND ON FACEBOOK?

 

Any advice? I’m going to see him tomorrow—he invited me somewhere. I need advice on what to say. I've been through hell and back with this guy..and I really felt like he was irreplacable, and I have no clue why he's doing this. This isn't like the man I've known for the last year. It's unbelievable.

Edited by BrokenHearted101
fungusamungus Established Member

fungusamungus

Posted
Posted

Imo, you're overreacting a little bit about this.

 

It's facebook, it's not a big deal. If they're on good terms, then I don't think there is anything deeper to it and I wouldn't overreact to it.

 

It's not really a matter of "an ex gf on facebook means more than you", that's a really skewed way of looking at it. If I were him, I probably wouldn't do it either, I have a few exes that I'm on good terms with, including the one that I lost my virginity to, and we still talk every now and then and it's completely harmless. She's nice to me, we're on good terms, I have no reason to be a dick to her and remove her/block her, etc.

  • Author
BrokenHearted101 Member

BrokenHearted101

Posted
  • Author
Posted

True, and that makes me feel a little better..But this ISNT a woman he was on good terms with. This is a woman he bashes on a weekly basis. They didnt stay friends--or even talk--after the breakup.

fungusamungus Established Member

fungusamungus

Posted
Posted
True, and that makes me feel a little better..But this ISNT a woman he was on good terms with. This is a woman he bashes on a weekly basis. They didnt stay friends--or even talk--after the breakup.
Neither were we/did we for an entire year.
OwlSoul Established Member

OwlSoul

Posted
Posted
She now lives 1000 miles away, so there's no threat, but it still bothers me.
Hey! I am sure if you'll keep bothering about it, you'll become really unattractive for him. Take it as a test. From my own experience, reconcilations get spoiled on the early stages if one of the partners already starts doubting.

 

Rule of a thumb: Believe that if your partner doesn't want to be with you, he/she will tell it.

 

*Till this moment, stop any worries and be confident and happy.

 

He told me if we work things out and get back together, he will delete her out of his life. Not til then.
Guess in the early stages of recon. everyone would act self-defencive. But putting ultimatums like this doesn't sound good really. Feels like he is controlling you or something.

 

As for an advise what to do - try to switch your mind off this incident. Either way, better not to meet, if it'll keep you bothering so much.

Treasa Established Member

Treasa

Posted
Posted

He told me if we work things out and get back together, he will delete her out of his life. Not til then.

 

Red flag. That would piss me off. Tell him he can have her, and then take a few moments to realize that your parents are probably right about him.

anna121 Established Member

anna121

Posted
Posted
Tuesday would be our one year anniversary.. I lost my virginity with him. Big deal to me, especially since I'd waited til age 21, and we were very serious and discussing getting married when we graduated.

 

***Little preface: Prior to me, he had one girlfriend "Alex" his sophmore year of college (2 years ago). He was a virgin. She told him a month in if he wouldn't have sex, she was done. She on the other hand had been with over 10 guys before they got together (she didn't tell him this til later).***

It killed me to know he took her for weekends away, and stayed at her apartment (neither of which we had a chance to do, because I live with family while finishing my undergrad). It always made me a little insecure--even during sex. He says NOTHING but awful about her. HE BROKE UP WITH HER after 8 months, and she instantly deleted/blocked him on facebook. She's the ONLY girl he's ever said I love you to, or been intimate with besides me.

 

Anyways, he and I are reconciling, and things look good. Friday we spent the day together. He told me he's been on a couple dates with other girls since the breakup. He also told me Alex has been texting him, "Apparently she saw my pic changed [from one of us together to JUST him] on fb." Imagine my surprise when I got home..looked at his profile, and he’s now FRIENDS with alex on facebook, in the last few days

 

She now lives 1000 miles away, so there's no threat, but it still bothers me.

I mentioned this to him on the phone tonight, and he immeaditly got mad and defensive. He told me quote: “At the time I didn’t think you and I would work things out. She added me. We’ve been texting. She’s being really nice. She tells me she still cares about me (gee no ****?), I don’t think she and I will ever get back together (WHAT THE FUQ? WHY AM I EVEN TALKING TO YOU THEN?). It’s facebook. It’s not a big deal. “

I asked him if it would be okay if I sent any/all guys I was ever involved with a friend request--he exploded.

 

I reminded him...Alex is the girl who tried to install spyware on his phone (that would forward all his texts to her). Who yelled at him after a romantic weekend away. The girl he says he couldn’t stand spending several days straight with. Who accused him of cheating on her..because SHE had an yeast infection. He even told me once last winter, after a fight I didn’t deserve: “I’m sorry. Sometimes...I think they last one messed me up bad.” He would never have put up with ANY OF THAT from me

 

He told me if we work things out and get back together, he will delete her out of his life. Not til then.

I'm pretty speechless. In order for us to get back together, he wants me to talk to my parents--get them to welcome him back (they loathe him right now, and will not even let him set foot in the house). WHY WOULD I risk EVERYTHING with my parents, FOR A GUY WHO WON'T BE WILLING TO SHOW ME I MEAN MORE THAN AN EX GIRLFRIEND ON FACEBOOK?

 

Any advice? I’m going to see him tomorrow—he invited me somewhere. I need advice on what to say. I've been through hell and back with this guy..and I really felt like he was irreplacable, and I have no clue why he's doing this. This isn't like the man I've known for the last year. It's unbelievable.

 

You've spent alot of time in this post running down the ex. Which may or may not be true (remember, you're only getting one side). Bottom line - if HE thought she was that bad, he wouldn't be friends with her. It doesn't really matter what YOU think of her. It DOES matter that he takes your feelings into account. But you don't get to tell him how HE should feel about her, just because you clearly don't like her. Even if he didn't like her at one time, he is allowed to change his mind.

 

But, of course how he deals with his feelings, and balances it with respect for you is something else. I just don't think it's a winning strategy to say "This person is such a b%$ch - why would you WANT to be friends with her anyway?" No one is going to hear that and respond in any way but defensively.

BeenAround Member

BeenAround

Posted
Posted

Please think very carefully before reconciling with this man. It seems to me that he is using emotional manipulation as a tool here. If here were 100 percent ready to give your relationship another chance than he would not be giving you ultimatums.

 

"WHY WOULD I risk EVERYTHING with my parents, FOR A GUY WHO WON'T BE WILLING TO SHOW ME I MEAN MORE THAN AN EX GIRLFRIEND ON FACEBOOK? "

 

You are asking yourself the right questions........ just listen to your gut instinct please. If something doesn't feel right to you about this than something isn't right.

  • Author
BrokenHearted101 Member

BrokenHearted101

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks everyone. It's putting things in perspective. I really love him, I'm pissed, but I need to take a deep breathe and hear what he's saying..While listening my own heart. I need to be rational, not emotional.

 

Last summer, he and I were skyping and he told me Alex had sent him a message on skype. He read it to me. It was something along the lines of "Hey, I hope we can be friends and hang out sometime. I'm going to be living in [a city close to us, where he dad lives] for the summer and I hope we can hang out." He had scoffed and shook his head and told me, "I'm not replying to this. I want nothing to do with her. I think that's pretty desperate and low of her--she can tell, if she looked me up on facebook or heard through the grapevine--I have a girlfriend. I think it's pretty desperate of her to send me this."

 

I know it's wrong to hate people, but I hate her. I'm a "gifty" type girlfriend--the sort that leaves cans of his favorite ice teas on his porch on days he had exams, and hides love coupons and little notes of encouragement in his underwear drawer and bookshelves. When we got together..He still had all the cards/gifts/anything Alex ever gave him. We broke up for a little while last summer, and in the course of that week, he pitched EVERYTHING I'd ever given him. Yet..Alex's stuff still remained, years after an UGLY breakup? It really hurt, later on, when I'd be hiding my own surprises in his stuff, to come across cards she'd sent him. Also...I couldn't even look at pics with him on his computer for 6 months, because he had so many pics of Alex.

 

Now you can kind of see why this makes me insecure. Additionally, he was my first. That makes him really special to me (and truth be told it's probably why i've put up with so much ****) and bonds me to him in a way I didnt think was real. If it's at all like that for guys..she's still that special to him, because she was HIS first. I can't imagine if he texts her for long..that the memory of getting it on with her doesn't waft back to him. :confused:

  • Author
BrokenHearted101 Member

BrokenHearted101

Posted
  • Author
Posted

It's an issue because I live with my parents (I can't afford to go to school and live on my own--they wont help), and they're very, very strict. I'm their oldest and wasnt allowed to wear makeup or listen to pop music til i was 16, if that gives you an idea. Mostly it's my dad who hasnt liked ANYONE i've dated. I have an early curfew at age 21, am not allowed to stay out over night, and the curfew at least put a huge strain on the relationship. My ex and I went camping last fall,and dad was later livid when he found out we might have slept in the same tent.

Eventually, he banned my boyfriend from coming to the house, so he couldnt even come pick me up for a date. That really hurt him.

Dad has threatened if i get back together with him,he'll kick me out. Hence why I have to talk to them.

 

Saw my ex last night--he helped me with an odd job I do on weeknights. Afterwards we sat in the car and talked for a little while. He was all over me. Then it was like someone hit the off switch--he got anxious, and snappy, "I DONT WANT TO FIGHT with you right now. Please. please." Like everything I said was a fight. I think that somehow going out on a couple dates with other girls, and alex texting him non stop, have made him think that he has sooo many options he doesnt have to be nice to me. I looked at him, "Who are YOU? What happened to the man I fell in love with?"

 

He also mentioned sex. We only had intercourse ONCE--then agreed that morally we felt it should be saved til later. After that, our sex life was mostly oral and physical. Which he seemed happy with (and were both things alex would never do for him), and NEVER pushed me for sex.

Last night, he said, "It's our one year anniversary. We've been through hell and back. I really, really, want to have sex with you. I think we should keep it to an annual thing." Which I agreed. And I let him know I will NOT have sex until we are back together and the relationship is "stable" as there are huge implications and possible reprocussions to that. He agreed. I know he hasnt been doing aything sexual lately, and he HASNT done ANYTHING with the girl he went on a date with) and he's about to explode, but it worried me--how do I know that's not the ONLY reason he wants to get back together?

 

He also said, "If we get back together, I also want your parents to meet my parents. And us to move forward as a serious relationship."

 

Ummm..I thought we were serious last fall, when we talkeda bout promise rings, which he never bought me. I mentioned that to him last night and he looked at the ceiling, "Yeah, well it was a little too soon." But I'd already given him a ring? Which he wore on his left hand daily?

 

I'm really confused right now.

Clep Established Member

Clep

Posted
Posted

In my experience with reconciliation with my husband I would not be okay with him friending an ex on fb. It is pretty hard for two people to move forward together if one person is looking backwards. I have found that commitment to the relationship is paramount to a healthy future in this type of situation and he is not showing that imho. It seems to me that you are confused because his actions and verbal statements are not congruent. In that type of situation, I look at actions to get my answers.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...