ThatJustHappened Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 you seem to have resentment towards her husband, and while i understand why... i wish you could step back and try to put yourself in his shoes. as far as he's concerned (if what she's saying is true, but i would seriously take it with a grain of salt) they could have problems in their marriage, things might not be perfect, but he believes that they're a team. he has no idea that there is a third party there. he's not being affectionate towards his wife to spite you! you can't really know what's going on between the two of them... and unfortunately, i don't see that you have any right to demand exclusivity from a woman you're having an affair with. This. You're both married to other people. She's free to do whatever she wants with her husband, just as you're free to do whatever you want with your wife. You will never know for sure whether or not she's being honest with you. Like I said before..she lies to her husband (and she's obviously good at it)..there's nothing stopping her from lying to you too.
Author Wtfisgoingon Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 This. You're both married to other people. She's free to do whatever she wants with her husband, just as you're free to do whatever you want with your wife. You will never know for sure whether or not she's being honest with you. Like I said before..she lies to her husband (and she's obviously good at it)..there's nothing stopping her from lying to you too. Hold on a second...I am not demanding anything. I am simply asking if the little things she does would indicate to you that she IS having sex with him. I control nobody but myself. I am not judgmental and do not ever insist that a person with me change to meet my needs. Each person's actions is there own and I have to make decisions on whether to put up with it or not. Even if a person does not change, its still a decision on their part not to change. Personally, I view marriage as nothing more than a business contract between to people. There are terms and conditions that are listed and if something does not go as planned, one of the two can either stay or leave with the associated consequences. Marriage in of itself is not necessary and two people can be as ONE without a piece of legal paper. Many marry for religious reasons, but most see it as a contract with a person (again, my opinion). Why get into a contract in the first place? Because society pressures us to do so the "right" way....but the paper does not equate to love. Love and marriage are separate but marriage requires love only at the onset of the contract. Love can then fade away and you are then left with a contract. I say all this to declare that I am in a marriage and there is little to no love BUT outside the contract love is in full force and flowing in the A. So which one is right/wrong..only i can answer that for myself. But as for MOW, she can do whatever she needs to do but I have to educate myself in order to make the best decision for me. Your feedback gives me insight into things outside of the emotional hold I am in, and helps me form the right decision ultimately.
18Years2Late Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 First things first...your words are awesome to hear/read. I am glad I am not the only one where the "habits" cut you to the core!!! The kisses were prompted by him but at that moment, she knew I was within visual range and made a split second decision. That hurt but she immediately came to me and asked me to talk about "it" and explained that he only does it when I am around ???? He does believe in putting on a show that everything is great with everyone. The "I love you" happened on phone and when I heard it, it was like a knife. Again, she took me aside and asked me about my feelings and she said he only recently started saying that. Now I try to watch each time they talk on phone to see if its being said again...which appears that she has not but who knows. As far as sex, she does not share a bed and sleeps elsewhere according to her. She evens tells me that he questions her why she sleeps elsewhere. She always reminds me that I am the only one in this department. Read this again...You're making mountains of excuses for her behavior and to convince yourself and your gut that the bad feelings this "relationship" is giving u are false and must b OK...when you get off the roller coaster you will read this post one day and laugh...I'm not laughing at you...I've been there...stop worrying about her and what she's doing and what she wants...and worry about you...you are allowing her to take up too much head space...you have ur life, be happy in ur life, and she can join u there or not...but don't put ur life on hold for a fantasy...bc like it or not it's all fantasy... think about this...no one will ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after...not now...not ever...any way you slice it somebody gets hurt...starting with many innocent children in both families...then you after the bus runs over you and then ur wife finds out because her BH tells her...then u got no Wife, no girlfriend, her husband wants to kill you, and ur children hate you...sounds great huh???...OR you win the lottery and u do get the girlfriend...her H still wants to kill u...her children and your children hate both of u...sunshine and roses right?...but she would only be sleeping with you right???...maybe...NOT...until she gets bored with you...and needs her ego stroked... So now whether she's sleeping with her H or kissing her H or whatever, should pale in comparison when you stop to think about the reality of either of those scenarios...just some tough love for u... It's gotta stop...A's have a life expectancy and yours may be on life support (for her)...you can stop it the easy way or the hard way...your choice...just be prepared for some real life tough love not coming from an anonymous internet poster...
ThatJustHappened Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Hold on a second...I am not demanding anything. I am simply asking if the little things she does would indicate to you that she IS having sex with him. I control nobody but myself. I am not judgmental and do not ever insist that a person with me change to meet my needs. Each person's actions is there own and I have to make decisions on whether to put up with it or not. Even if a person does not change, its still a decision on their part not to change. Personally, I view marriage as nothing more than a business contract between to people. There are terms and conditions that are listed and if something does not go as planned, one of the two can either stay or leave with the associated consequences. Marriage in of itself is not necessary and two people can be as ONE without a piece of legal paper. Many marry for religious reasons, but most see it as a contract with a person (again, my opinion). Why get into a contract in the first place? Because society pressures us to do so the "right" way....but the paper does not equate to love. Love and marriage are separate but marriage requires love only at the onset of the contract. Love can then fade away and you are then left with a contract. I say all this to declare that I am in a marriage and there is little to no love BUT outside the contract love is in full force and flowing in the A. So which one is right/wrong..only i can answer that for myself. But as for MOW, she can do whatever she needs to do but I have to educate myself in order to make the best decision for me. Your feedback gives me insight into things outside of the emotional hold I am in, and helps me form the right decision ultimately. Your wife deserves to know that you don't believe in marriage and that you don't love her anymore. She deserves the chance to find happiness. You're being extremely unfair to her right now. 1
Author Wtfisgoingon Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 Your wife deserves to know that you don't believe in marriage and that you don't love her anymore. She deserves the chance to find happiness. You're being extremely unfair to her right now. I never said I don't believe in marriage. I said that marriage does not mean love will always be present. Prior to A I have worked very hard to try to figure out why over the past 5 years my W has checked out. This includes many many discussions, giving up myself to compensate for the things that were not getting done, and trying to shield kids from the realities that were hitting them. When a person decides not to try to make things better they are making a silent choice that they are happy where they are. She has not tried to make things better. Is she not able to try to find happiness now? Maybe she has and I don't know it. Maybe her behavior over the years is related to her treating me unfairly. Who knows? But in the end, does the marriage matter or is it really love that matters? If there is no love, then what is left? Nobody is a victim in this situation since we really do not know for sure what the truth is...all we can do is educate ourselves with the help of others and make the best decision. 1
ThatJustHappened Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I never said I don't believe in marriage. I said that marriage does not mean love will always be present. Prior to A I have worked very hard to try to figure out why over the past 5 years my W has checked out. This includes many many discussions, giving up myself to compensate for the things that were not getting done, and trying to shield kids from the realities that were hitting them. When a person decides not to try to make things better they are making a silent choice that they are happy where they are. She has not tried to make things better. Is she not able to try to find happiness now? Maybe she has and I don't know it. Maybe her behavior over the years is related to her treating me unfairly. Who knows? But in the end, does the marriage matter or is it really love that matters? If there is no love, then what is left? Nobody is a victim in this situation since we really do not know for sure what the truth is...all we can do is educate ourselves with the help of others and make the best decision. Personally, I view marriage as nothing more than a business contract between to people. There are terms and conditions that are listed and if something does not go as planned, one of the two can either stay or leave with the associated consequences. Marriage in of itself is not necessary and two people can be as ONE without a piece of legal paper. Many marry for religious reasons, but most see it as a contract with a person (again, my opinion). Why get into a contract in the first place? Because society pressures us to do so the "right" way....but the paper does not equate to love. Love and marriage are separate but marriage requires love only at the onset of the contract. Love can then fade away and you are then left with a contract. I say all this to declare that I am in a marriage and there is little to no love BUT outside the contract love is in full force and flowing in the A. Sure sounds like you don't believe in marriage. Maybe your wife doesn't love you either. Maybe that's why she's so unhappy and unwilling to work at your marriage. Or maybe she's cheating on you too. Regardless..you should do the right thing and divorce her so she has the chance to find someone who loves her and who won't cheat on her. 4
Lillyfree Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 OP, considering your views on marriage and your wife, seems like you don't think anything there is salvageable. why are you still married? why not take the high road instead, come clean about how you're feeling, the affair - and ask for divorce? 3
ComingInHot Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 Wtfisgoingon, " Personally, I view marriage as nothing more than a business contract between to people. There are terms and conditions that are listed and if something does not go as planned, one of the two can either stay or leave with the associated consequences. Marriage in of itself is not necessary and two people can be as ONE without a piece of legal paper." Good Morning LS!* Wtf, are you a "business man"? If so, I read and a hoping you do too, that since you believe as I do that M is a contract (as well as oath), that You are in breech of contract. Because of that and depending on the state in which you reside, could cause a D attorney or judge to favor your BW. The victim of the breech of the M contract. This is my first point. In your second sentence you state, " one of the two can either stay or leave with the associated consequenses". This is Absolutely True! However, and correct me if I'm wrong, the Both of you do Not "know" so "the two can..." CanNOT make Any decisions. My second point* Have you or are you to a point where you are ready to confess the truth to your W so you both can make the decisions you state? Or are you Waiting for MOW to make a move first and that is why you are here questioning Her actions and motives behind them? I really do think you will feel a sense of relief by informing your W and preparing for your next adventure.
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