Wtfisgoingon Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 I have been in a A for a year. First it was EA then turned to PA but still very heavy EA. We spend a great deal of time together and communicate everyday over text, phone or in person. We both have kids and are both in "horrible" M...at least I know mine is Her H is a casual friend since we have the same friend base. She says she loves me and wants to be with me forever. She used to talk about our future all the time, but slowly it has reduced to once every so often. As time passes, things seem to emerge from her life and confuse the hell out of me at times. Since we are able to be fortunate and share a lot of time, I get to learn quite a bit each day about her. Even though I literally can drive myself crazy wondering what is happening in her home when we go 2-3 hours without talking or when the lights turn out, I try not to dwell on it too much. I think this is a "normal" worry in an A but its the most hurtful since there is no way to truly know what is really happening. The reason I worry about this so much is a couple of specific times I have seen/heard her with her H. He appears to do things (according to her) that are only done when I am around. It's little things like once in a while hearing her say she "loves him too" on the phone when they say goodbye or the "surprise" goodbye peck...according to her its only when I am around and he never does it normally?!? The first time it happened I about had cardiac arrest, since she is always telling me how horrible he is at home etc. She discussed it with me and I eventually worked it out in my head. But then a few weeks later, it happened again. Again, she tells me its because I am around and that I have to understand that she needs to "keep the peace" until she is ready to take next steps. My head is telling me that if he does not know about our A, then why would he purposely show affection when I am around? She does still feed him, washes his clothes, and normal family things where as I have done a 180 and focus on my kids and myself. I scratch my head when I think of what I am doing vs what she is NOT doing to continue to move ahead. I tell her to stop doing everything for him and only focus on kids/herself, but again its back to keeping the peace. This may sound super crazy, but the one thing I can't get passed is if she is still sleeping with him. I know personally I have been devoted to her for the past year, but my gut is telling me I can't say the same for her. She tells me he complains all the time that he is not getting any,and will only put up with her not putting out for a while longer and threatens to find it elsewhere if she still refuses. I know all about words vs actions, but need advice on what I should do or a way to think about things. I have no one else I can talk to about this.
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Go with your gut. IF you feel she is still having sex with her husband, then chances are, she is. Why would she admit they are still intimate to you? think about that..Serves no purpose! It'll upset you and cause strife and bad feelings in your A, so it's best you don't ask and just assume they are having sex. And, it seems her marriage isn't half as bad as she's made it out to be. She IS living life with him, doing family outings, functions, dinners, visiting in laws, other family and friends. The reason I worry about this so much is a couple of specific times I have seen/heard her with her H. He appears to do things (according to her) that are only done when I am around. It's little things like once in a while hearing her say she "loves him too" on the phone when they say goodbye or the "surprise" goodbye peck...according to her its only when I am around and he never does it normally?!? The first time it happened I about had cardiac arrest, since she is always telling me how horrible he is at home etc. She discussed it with me and I eventually worked it out in my head. But then a few weeks later, it happened again. Again, she tells me its because I am around and that I have to understand that she needs to "keep the peace" until she is ready to take next steps. My head is telling me that if he does not know about our A, then why would he purposely show affection when I am around? This is such bunk! he has NO idea about the A! Listen to your gut! She isn't looking to leave her husband. She is fine and happy enough with things as they are, having an A with you. It's rare that a MM or MW leaves and divorces, starts over with their AP. it happens obviously but that's because the marriage is over before the A even started. Even MORE rare for a MM and a MW to divorce and end up together, especially if children are involved. Usually in that dynamic, one is willin to leave and divorce but the other one isn't. Why are you still married? To keep your kids under one roof? How and what is your dynamic with your wife? Anyway, from what you've said and the feeling I get from reading your situation, she is happy having an A with you and that's it. So, accept things as they are and enjoy it for as long as it lasts, or end it and walk away. She does still feed him, washes his clothes, and normal family things where as I have done a 180 and focus on my kids and myself. I scratch my head when I think of what I am doing vs what she is NOT doing to continue to move ahead. I tell her to stop doing everything for him and only focus on kids/herself, but again its back to keeping the peace. 2
Catplates Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 (edited) Sorry, her excuse for being affectionate towards her husband strikes me as very tacky and shallow. Why would she only be affectionate towards him when you are there? I think she is feeding you crap to keep you on a string. YOu don't really know what goes on behind her closed bedroom door do you? If you can't get past that, then leave her alone. You will have much more peace of mind. Cat Edited March 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Realist3 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 So you are under the illusion that at some point in the future you will both divorce and be together? As whichwayisup, stated that is highly unlikely. She's married; she is going to have sex with her husband. If you can't get over that fact, then it is probably best you end it. 2
FallenPrincess Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 She will continue to have sex with her husband because that is what couples do. Despite the fact that there may be other problems in their relationship, sex will be inevitable. I am a married woman having an affair. I am having sex with both. 1
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 This may sound super crazy, but the one thing I can't get passed is if she is still sleeping with him. I know personally I have been devoted to her for the past year, but my gut is telling me I can't say the same for her. She tells me he complains all the time that he is not getting any,and will only put up with her not putting out for a while longer and threatens to find it elsewhere if she still refuses. I know all about words vs actions, but need advice on what I should do or a way to think about things. I have no one else I can talk to about this. Don't you find it odd she would say that? And hey if she truly was just into you, didn't want to have to sex with her H, she actually would be welcome to that idea, that way she wouldn't have to sex with him ever again, he'd find someone on the side to have sex with. But, chances are, she wouldn't want him with another woman. Ironic isn't it.. This woman LIES to her husband about you and the A, she is betraying him and acting like she's not done anything wrong. He isn't suspicious at all. why? Because she is GOOD at hiding everything from him. Now with that in mind, don't you think she would lie and omit truths from you as well? Knowing how she IS very capable of telling lies (to her H), don't ever fool yourself into thinking she wouldn't lie to you as well. 2
kristismiles Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Just an FYI NO her husband is not a "friend" of yours. Tell him what you have been up to and see if he considers you a friend."friends" even casual ones don't do this to one another. 2
Author Wtfisgoingon Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 Don't you find it odd she would say that? And hey if she truly was just into you, didn't want to have to sex with her H, she actually would be welcome to that idea, that way she wouldn't have to sex with him ever again, he'd find someone on the side to have sex with. But, chances are, she wouldn't want him with another woman. Ironic isn't it.. This woman LIES to her husband about you and the A, she is betraying him and acting like she's not done anything wrong. He isn't suspicious at all. why? Because she is GOOD at hiding everything from him. Now with that in mind, don't you think she would lie and omit truths from you as well? Knowing how she IS very capable of telling lies (to her H), don't ever fool yourself into thinking she wouldn't lie to you as well. Why would she tell me this stuff? Is it suppose to make me believe that there is nothing going on? She states that she says for him to go find it elsewhere.
AnotherRound Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 I have said ILY to the city hall staff - lol. That is such an automatic thing that people say sometimes that it simply replaces "good bye" in conversations for them. I wouldn't worry too much about that one. As far as her having sex with him - Nobody really knows except her and him. If you are having some suspicions, I would say you might be right, you might be wrong - but how would you ever know really? Thing is - she could be telling the truth, and as you said, you are in a horrible marriage yourself, so you know they exist (as do I, ugh!). You have to decide if you believe her or not. Also, many people act differently towards their spouse/SO when other people are around, and then are horrible to them behind closed doors. I don't know, it sounds like she is maybe not being honest - but nothing she has told you is far-fetched - it's all very plausible. What exactly isn't sitting right with you?
ThatJustHappened Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Why would she tell me this stuff? Is it suppose to make me believe that there is nothing going on? She states that she says for him to go find it elsewhere. O.o Uh..yes.. She lies to her husband, and she's obviously very good at it..what makes you think she doesn't lie to you too? 1
ComingInHot Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 before I offer Anything I'd like to confirm I am understanding both you & your MOW's "understanding" of your A w/each other, alright?* You wrote you focus on your Yourself & Your children while Not doing anything for your W and haven't for a year. Is this correct? You also wrote ...if her H "knows" of the A, why would he be nice to her when your around, right? Inferring that her H knows as does your W. Is that right? So, you both have agreed that you are to be monogamous w/each other & not your spouses and both spouses know you two are in an A w/each other and you are all semi-aquainted. But neither of you have filed for D so essentially ALL four of you are in an Open M. Wtfisgoingon, am I close and if Not would you clarify please? *
Author Wtfisgoingon Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 before I offer Anything I'd like to confirm I am understanding both you & your MOW's "understanding" of your A w/each other, alright?* You wrote you focus on your Yourself & Your children while Not doing anything for your W and haven't for a year. Is this correct? You also wrote ...if her H "knows" of the A, why would he be nice to her when your around, right? Inferring that her H knows as does your W. Is that right? So, you both have agreed that you are to be monogamous w/each other & not your spouses and both spouses know you two are in an A w/each other and you are all semi-aquainted. But neither of you have filed for D so essentially ALL four of you are in an Open M. Wtfisgoingon, am I close and if Not would you clarify please? * OH NO...not even close. I have been M for 15 yrs. Last 5 years W has checked out. Sleeping all the time, no house work assistance, does not work... I may see her for about 2-3 hours a day (not all at once either). This last year I snapped and woke up. I met OW and everything evolved from there. Since OW and I were friends before, I have met H a couple of times.
ComingInHot Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Wtfisgoingon, (Fun user name by the way. I had to smile as it could fit Many of us when we first showed up here) And oh. It is Not a fun situation you are in from your description of your M OR MOW. Have you ever considered what you would do if you weren't having an A? I mean w/regards to your M relationship? I'm thinking that maybe, as distracting and lovely the love feelings are during an A, it doesn't really resolve the issues w/in your M or w/you and your struggles in your M, ya know?.?. So, maybe MOW is indeed having marital sex w/her H. Maybe she IS lying to both of you. Irregardless, it doesn't change anything in Your current situation. Have you thought about D? Counciling? Separation? A future where you can be Free to date woman w/out cheating and the possible consequences the actions can have on you, your Children, your everything? You DO have options to get to a healthier, Happier place*
Lillyfree Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 affairs by nature aren't exclusive relationships. i don't understand what your expectations are. she probably thinks that you are intimate with your wife as well.
LFH Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I have said ILY to the city hall staff - lol. That is such an automatic thing that people say sometimes that it simply replaces "good bye" in conversations for them. I wouldn't worry too much about that one. Really AR? I've only ever said those words to 2 men in my life, not counting family members of course. OP, I think you have to recognize that affairs have many components. Do you believe she isnt' sleeping with him? Do you think that she is being truthful with you? Sexless marriages happen, more than many people would think, but people can be dishonest as well. What are you hoping for with your relationship? 4
Author Wtfisgoingon Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 Wtfisgoingon, (Fun user name by the way. I had to smile as it could fit Many of us when we first showed up here) And oh. It is Not a fun situation you are in from your description of your M OR MOW. Have you ever considered what you would do if you weren't having an A? I mean w/regards to your M relationship? I'm thinking that maybe, as distracting and lovely the love feelings are during an A, it doesn't really resolve the issues w/in your M or w/you and your struggles in your M, ya know?.?. So, maybe MOW is indeed having marital sex w/her H. Maybe she IS lying to both of you. Irregardless, it doesn't change anything in Your current situation. Have you thought about D? Counciling? Separation? A future where you can be Free to date woman w/out cheating and the possible consequences the actions can have on you, your Children, your everything? You DO have options to get to a healthier, Happier place* Thank you for the hope my current situation with W has been going in for about five years now. At first I was trying to be understanding and take up all the slack, but constant rejection and slowly seeing less of her caused me to awaken one day and say "WTF am I doing". This was before A. I had already tried to get her to go for help, telling her our kids are startin to ask me questions about why mom does not do anything with us anymore. I suspected an EA /PA but never found hard proof. After having some very serious discussions, she would change for a week then go back to old self. Again before A. There were so many red flags with her I was positive she was involved in something. Then I met MOW..going through an abusive M and the love and attention we showed each other was soooo fulfilling things took off from there. I still work each day on positioning myself in the best place for the inevitable. I'm not a doctor so I can't force her to help herself. Since I awoke, I started doing a 180 with my kids. Kids and I no longer wait or ask for her, we just celebrate each day we have together. MOW is awesome and is always there for me/us. MOW situation is much earlier in the wind down process but continues to tell me that its moving ahead. I love the feeling and motivation I gained to want to show my kids and her how special they are. There are many many positives in this relationship. I do know that we have to get through an ugly period in the future but I am on that road because of me a d kids and not because of A.
ComingInHot Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Wtfisgoingon, There IS hope. Hope for Change. Please don't misunderstand. I am Not a purponent for Anyone having an A. I'm a BW myself. I wouldn't wish the "experience" on anyone. I am suggesting you find hope in separation and D if your W is refusing to change or get help. Many come to LS looking for insight into their AP's yet I feel it is just as important if not more so to gain insight into one's self at the same time, ya know? If it has really been Five years of you advocating for your W & the help she needs to no avail, the next logical, albiet difficult step, is D. You Do what you need to for your self & kids THEN see where you "land" w/MOW. either way w/your OW, you Will be better off (it sounds like),& so will your children*
Got it Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 OP - Piggybacking on CIH, I was in a similar place. My ex husband was depressed for years and never wanted to do anything and refused to address it. I begged, cajoled, nagged, fought and then just gave up. The last year we were married, I asked as his birthday present to me was for him to do therapy. He said okay and I never heard anything about it. I had tried to force therapy, have him for me, etc. to no avail. I couldn't make him want to get better or change. That was on him and he was leading the life he apparently was comfortable with leading. I realized that he and I were not on the same page any longer and I had to let go of my end of the tug of war rope. I accepted the reality of us. 2
Author Wtfisgoingon Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 does the married other women have children? Do your children know her children? It's too close to home. Well, we were all acquainted and hung out once in a while. Kids played with kids. Now we still hang out with a much larger group.
Author Wtfisgoingon Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 Really AR? I've only ever said those words to 2 men in my life, not counting family members of course. OP, I think you have to recognize that affairs have many components. Do you believe she isnt' sleeping with him? Do you think that she is being truthful with you? Sexless marriages happen, more than many people would think, but people can be dishonest as well. What are you hoping for with your relationship? So here is my logic which may be flawed. I am in a sexless marriage right now. It has been that way for years. Last time I received a hug/kiss was over a year ago. So I know what sexless means. But with MOW I see little tiny things like a kiss that happen right in front of me. It is soooo hard to not react to that when it happens. So I think well...I don't do it since I'm in a sexless marriage so does she do it because she is not in a sexless marriage? Again this is my logic...
lilmisscantbewrong Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I was the ow and was married (still am) - while the affair was going on I was having sex with both. Now I preferred it with my om at the time, but it was an attempt to keep the heat off if that makes sense. I don't know about your ow but I would pretty much bet she is still having sex with her husband as well. 1
georgia girl Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 I think the most honest answer you could ever get to your question is the one from Fallen Angel. He is unaware of the affair. Any person in a marriage unaware of an affair is having sex. That's fundamental in marriage. Sorry if that hurts but I think her answer is very, very honest. 1
18Years2Late Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 My xMOM did that to me too...in my car...right in front of my face...we were out of town together...BS was doing crazy **** to his kids and I could tell it was bothering him and he wanted to call her...I told him "why don't you call her?"...he said "really?"...I said "sure go ahead I understand"...so he did and at the end of the conversation he didn't say "I Love You Too" he say "I Love You"...HE SAID IT FIRST!!!...he stabbed me in the heart that moment like no one had ever done before...he said "sorry it's a habit"...I don't care WTF he called it...it was disrespectful...it showed he had absolutely no concern for my feelings WHAT SO EVER... So OP...who gives a shyte if she's having sex with her H...hear ye hear he...SHE'S MARRIED...and u bought a ticket to that show when u signed up for an A...what u should care about its her ultimate lack of respect for you and your feelings when she knows you can clearly hear her say it...it shows EXACTLY who she cares about more...sex or no sex...horrible marriage or not...she showed you 1st hand exactly where u stand in her show...now put ur big boy pants on, have some respect for yourself, and stop feeding her ego...run for the hills...D ur wife...and start over fresh with someone who cares... Not trying to be mean...just want u to see exactly who she is...I know it hurts but you'll see it more clearly the further u get away from her...sorry ur here...keep posting or reading...it helps... 1
Author Wtfisgoingon Posted March 27, 2013 Author Posted March 27, 2013 My xMOM did that to me too...in my car...right in front of my face...we were out of town together...BS was doing crazy **** to his kids and I could tell it was bothering him and he wanted to call her...I told him "why don't you call her?"...he said "really?"...I said "sure go ahead I understand"...so he did and at the end of the conversation he didn't say "I Love You Too" he say "I Love You"...HE SAID IT FIRST!!!...he stabbed me in the heart that moment like no one had ever done before...he said "sorry it's a habit"...I don't care WTF he called it...it was disrespectful...it showed he had absolutely no concern for my feelings WHAT SO EVER... So OP...who gives a shyte if she's having sex with her H...hear ye hear he...SHE'S MARRIED...and u bought a ticket to that show when u signed up for an A...what u should care about its her ultimate lack of respect for you and your feelings when she knows you can clearly hear her say it...it shows EXACTLY who she cares about more...sex or no sex...horrible marriage or not...she showed you 1st hand exactly where u stand in her show...now put ur big boy pants on, have some respect for yourself, and stop feeding her ego...run for the hills...D ur wife...and start over fresh with someone who cares... Not trying to be mean...just want u to see exactly who she is...I know it hurts but you'll see it more clearly the further u get away from her...sorry ur here...keep posting or reading...it helps... First things first...your words are awesome to hear/read. I am glad I am not the only one where the "habits" cut you to the core!!! The kisses were prompted by him but at that moment, she knew I was within visual range and made a split second decision. That hurt but she immediately came to me and asked me to talk about "it" and explained that he only does it when I am around ???? He does believe in putting on a show that everything is great with everyone. The "I love you" happened on phone and when I heard it, it was like a knife. Again, she took me aside and asked me about my feelings and she said he only recently started saying that. Now I try to watch each time they talk on phone to see if its being said again...which appears that she has not but who knows. As far as sex, she does not share a bed and sleeps elsewhere according to her. She evens tells me that he questions her why she sleeps elsewhere. She always reminds me that I am the only one in this department.
Lillyfree Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 First things first...your words are awesome to hear/read. I am glad I am not the only one where the "habits" cut you to the core!!! The kisses were prompted by him but at that moment, she knew I was within visual range and made a split second decision. That hurt but she immediately came to me and asked me to talk about "it" and explained that he only does it when I am around ???? He does believe in putting on a show that everything is great with everyone. The "I love you" happened on phone and when I heard it, it was like a knife. Again, she took me aside and asked me about my feelings and she said he only recently started saying that. Now I try to watch each time they talk on phone to see if its being said again...which appears that she has not but who knows. As far as sex, she does not share a bed and sleeps elsewhere according to her. She evens tells me that he questions her why she sleeps elsewhere. She always reminds me that I am the only one in this department. you seem to have resentment towards her husband, and while i understand why... i wish you could step back and try to put yourself in his shoes. as far as he's concerned (if what she's saying is true, but i would seriously take it with a grain of salt) they could have problems in their marriage, things might not be perfect, but he believes that they're a team. he has no idea that there is a third party there. he's not being affectionate towards his wife to spite you! you can't really know what's going on between the two of them... and unfortunately, i don't see that you have any right to demand exclusivity from a woman you're having an affair with. 1
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