Author muaddib87 Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 (edited) Ha yea, I'm kind of a wimp. This really crushed me, and I have no idea how to recover etc. Whatever. I was thinking of getting her an e-reader (just the cheapest kindle) because she is going on a cruse with her family and was thinking of working on a cruse ship soon. I don't know too much? I don't think that I want anything from this, honestly (and I'm not trying to come off as this paragon of humanity, I just want to make sure I did the best I could so I have no more regrets, if that makes any sense.) I think I'm apologizing in hopes that people will confirm that I really am an ass. I want to be totally sure that I really deserve it all, really to further punish myself. I'm quite all kinds of messed up. Edited April 29, 2013 by muaddib87
Jonah Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 (edited) Ha yea, I'm kind of a wimp. This really crushed me, and I have no idea how to recover etc. Whatever. I was thinking of getting her an e-reader (just the cheapest kindle) because she is going on a cruse with her family and was thinking of working on a cruse ship soon. I don't know too much? I don't think that I want anything from this, honestly (and I'm not trying to come off as this paragon of humanity, I just want to make sure I did the best I could so I have no more regrets, if that makes any sense.) I think I'm apologizing in hopes that people will confirm that I really am an ass. I want to be totally sure that I really deserve it all, really to further punish myself. I'm quite all kinds of messed up. Well I gotta tell ya muaddib. A too am an ass and all kinds of messed up. But unlike you, I have come to be totally ok with that! Weak, wimp, crushed ...so is superman when you get him around that kryptonite stuff. I used to run with a pal who was with a gal for a while before she left him for a sailor. A few months later he killed himself dead with a dear rifle. It hurts guy - I know. But this is part of being human, this suffering. Who knows what suffering your gal will face in the future. She might look invincible now but very likely something just as devastating will come along and teach her some humility. Best you can do now is use the experience to find the deep part of yourself, get to know it so you can later relate to others anguish, have empathy and thereby the means to help them. Without this experience you would by no means understand what suffering feels like. Count yourself fortunate to have this opportunity to live and grow. Spending extra money will certainly not help your cause unless you have extra disposable cash... then by all means get your gal a reader. I have a nephew that for the last couple of years had a young supermodel hanging all over him. Every time I saw him I would smile and think... "you poor bastard." Of course the inevitable happened. I recently saw him at a wedding reception and he looked like hell. I asked him: "Hurt, don't it?" All he did was nod his head. I told him a bit of my stories and that helped a little I think. He's doing pretty much the same thing I did... burying his head in the school books to make the world go away. I hope he comes to the place where he can cherish all of the memories, even the painful ones. Those are the experiences that can have the best impact if you can open your heart to learning from them. Edited May 1, 2013 by Jonah
ilovememore Posted May 1, 2013 Posted May 1, 2013 I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Just take it one day at a time. Get out of bed, shower, exercise, eat right, wallow, and believe that one day this will come to pass. There are a million wonderful women out there. Unfortunately, she wasn't one of them. Have the courage to believe in yourself. For now, put one foot in front of the other and know that your pain will make you an even stronger, more wonderful soul. Good luck 1
klotzak Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 Life has a habit of being exceptionally cruel, but you have to know that the bad feelings and sense of helplessness are short lived in the grand scheme of things. It's all too easy to say the above, but experience has shown it to me to be true. Lick your wounds, identify the lessons and then just wait......and when you are ready you can get back into the fight (aka life) and you will find things drop into place, maybe slowly but I'm sure there are times when it will be a whirlwind....the thing is don't beat yourself up, learn from your mistakes and identify the pattern if it looks like happening again. Onwards and upwards mate! 1
Author muaddib87 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 I have been feeling beyond awful lately. I'm feeling buried under this crap; every time I think I've hit bottom I seem to fall deeper. I feel like I pushed her to cheat, and it makes me feel inexplicably bad. After I caught her cheating and lying and after she started being so distant I couldn't take it and I violated her trust and checked her phone. I told her right after and apologized for it, and she forgave me but this has been weighing on me for so long. Yes she lied about not seeing him when she actually was, but I thing my mistrust pushed her to do this. This is why I am so bad. I think I should apologize for being such an awful person. It's so bad, I can't get over this. I've started therapy, but I feel so unworthy; nothing really bad has happened to me why do I deserve their time. I'm afrade to make contact with others because how can I trust them. Plus am I worthy of friends, I am awful. How can I even think of another relationship? If I make a mistake again Ill lose that person. I'm terrified of the future, I'm totally uncomfortable in my current situation. Home is not a happy place for me. I don't know what to do or how to not hate myself. I'm sorry about the stream of consciousness of this sad post.
Author muaddib87 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Maybe I'm quite naive, but I think I'm punishing myself because I'm getting the short end of the stick. So my thought is, I'm being hurt and suffering thus it's my fault, I'm bad. That and how awful must I be to have someone that invested so much time and energy in that said they cared so much do this? How bad must I be, how worthless, to have someone like her heart me so badly, and seemingly care not one bit. Btw yes the Dune series is amazing! The bene gesserit litany against fear was oddly appropriate my friend thank you.
Author muaddib87 Posted May 8, 2013 Author Posted May 8, 2013 Yes you are correct. I'm having such a hard time forgiving myself for feeling badly. I tried my best to support her, but I was too bad to deserve the same. I hope it gets better, even just a bit, because it's unbearable now. I hate knowing Ill likely never see her again. I just hope, and worry that I'll not, if I'm ever (however unlikely) lucky enough to have someone ill be over her, be able to trust her, and not ruin things again. As of now I can't say I'm overflowing with hope. Thank you again for your kind words, advice, and avenue to vent my frustrations. It's quite difficult bottling it all up.
freestyle Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 (edited) Muaddib--- Based on reading your posts--I think you might be dealing with toxic shame.. Essentially shame levels that are unhealthy, and that will lead you to take unwarranted blame when someone else mistreats you. It's something that can form during the formative years, when parents & authority figures around a child engage in excessive blaming/shaming of a child. It's something I'd like to suggest that you read up on--healing a toxic shame core will help you heal your self-esteem, and eventually lead you towards healthy, and fulfilling relationships. Maybe reading this will help: Characteristics of Adults Shamed In Childhood The Power of Mindful Empathy To Heal Toxic Shame | Linda Graham, MFT, Resources for Recovering Resilience The second article has some practical exercises for reducing shame, and rebuilding your self-esteem. I hope you'll consider them, my heart breaks on your behalf, when I read you blaming yourself. It's okay that you feel "negative" emotions when someone has treated you badly--it's a completely normal, and understandable reaction. Edited May 8, 2013 by freestyle 1
Author muaddib87 Posted May 11, 2013 Author Posted May 11, 2013 Oh man that stuff sound terrifyingly like me. This has me worried beyond anything. I hope I wasn't/aren't something super worse then just clinically depressed. Something like being Borderland (haha I totally haven't been self diagnosing,) that caused her life to be awful. I don't think so, but god does that scare me. I've been trying not to think, not to worry, to just focus on myself; but damn me and my over active brain. I have this pervading sense that I killed her. Like I killed the wonderful person that I had the utmost pleasure of loving. I am the biggest monster for that sin.
Author muaddib87 Posted May 15, 2013 Author Posted May 15, 2013 So one last thing. I feel I need to apologize for everything I did. I wrote a letter apologizing for being needy, sad, and hurt all the time. I think I should mail it to her. I think I'm trying desperately to fix things, and the only thing I can come up with is to blame myself. Thus with that blame I can only apologize for everything. This has made me feel totally responsible for her actions.
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