muaddib87 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 I quite honestly have no idea why I am doing this. It seems transcendentally foolish and painfully selfish to send this off to you all. I think I just want to admit what I am feeling to someone who has no control/influence over my life (or even any idea who I am). So in short what I am saying is that I apologize for being such a selfish failure. I came across this website whilst wallowing in self-pity/loathing. Recently my girlfriend of three years, whom I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with, left me after admitting to an affair. This revelation turned my already difficult life upside-down. I acknowledge that the relationship was having difficulties due to our very busy schedules, my insecurity in securing a full time teaching position (and inadequacy from working as a sub and in a stupid retail job), and her fear stemming from her impending graduation from college. My lack of positivity from that and other reasons put a strain, but I was working hard to fix myself. I tried to put my full self into the relationship, and in that I think I was quite successful (having more time I tried to upkeep the house pay the bills etc). I know I was clingy but it was difficult being alone all the time just working(especially after my support network moved away for their careers). I feel like a huge screw up for listing all these terrible failures and trying to excuse them. I know I am the failure, the terrible person who is undeserving of love. I feel like the biggest failure alive. I am having this crazy existential crisis. I feel like I still want a family (which was my ultimate goal in working so hard in school/life/ect), but I am horrified of something like this happening again. I fear that I am unworthy of having someone, but l am afraid of sharing this much of myself and getting close to someone again. I am afraid God/fate/karma is punishing me for some awful transgression. I feel like I want to die, but I can’t bring myself to do something so bloody rash, instead I resort to trying to destroy my body physically hoping the pain will mask the emotional pain. I loved and cared so much for her (a huge risk I know), I was excited for a future with someone so amazing, I would, and did, give everything I could to enrich her life to take care of her. I want to know that there is hope, and that I’m not condemned to this miserable hell forever. I am incredibly sorry again. I am sorry if any of this causes you distress, or any pain. Sorry I am such an annoying pain. Thank you
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Why is it your fault that she cheated on you and left you? You didn't do anything wrong! Don't take responsibility for her selfish choices. As for your work, you didn't fail, teaching jobs are harder to get these days. Stop beating up on yourself and don't apologize! vent away that's great but please don't put yourself down it serves no purpose at all! You need self confidence, self worth again - Maybe seek out counseling to help you cope with all this stuff you're feeling and going through. Don't be so hard on yourself! 7
waterwoman Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 So sorry. It wouldn't hurt if we didn't love someone so much. Chin up! It wasn't your fault, so don't fear there won't be another chance. it will happen x 2
BetrayedH Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 What they ^^^^ said. Your GF's cheating says a hell of a lot more about her than it does you. Your GF had a choice to either fix the relationship or leave it. Instead she chose to be cowardly, selfish, and unethical. That's on her. And for what it's worth, your transgressions hardly sound like serious ones to me. You are like most. Rejection hurts. But given time, you'll realize that cheating has little to do with the betrayed person and nearly everything to do with the wayward being a broken person who violated their own standards and really hurt someone in the process. You don't sound like you had it coming. Cut yourself a break. 8
drifter777 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 People like you (and I) strive for love, acceptance and approval our whole lives. We need validation that we are "ok" and not the hopeless loser our Dad or Mom said we were. When people tell us we're being hard on ourselves and to get our chin up, they just don't understand what's going on in our minds and the black, hopeless feeling in our heart. To be sure, they mean well and any positive feedback is welcome but our hearts have been crushed by the betrayal of the one person we thought we could trust. There is no pep-talk or bumper sticker phase that's going to help the way you feel right now. If you have a counselor, go see them now and if you don't then find one. You have much to heal than the pain of her cheating. 2
Author muaddib87 Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 Thank you for the replies. Not quite what I expected; I was hoping for condemnation or my weak self loathing to be confirmed. I am super lost now crippled by fear. I am just wallowing terrified that I am broken in some fundamental way. I hate being around other people now (or more likely I am afraid of them, to admit this huge failure or that they, like her, really want to be rid of me), and feel like I can't depend on them. I am devastated that I will never see, or hear from her again. I am (naively) scared that this is my punishment from god/fate/karma/life etc., that I lost all (the girl the apartment the life etc) because I was truly the/an awful person. I hate being this bloody weak and childish. I just want to get over it and move on, but I'm stuck. Everything feels transcendentally pointless, like everything I wanted (the companion family etc) to give this meaningless work life some purpose is gone damned to hell. I'm sorry again to drop all of my crap on the wide internet, but there is no one/where else to go, because like I have made abundantly clear, I am a failure.
waterwoman Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Hi Muaddib - I don't think you are feeling anything unusual but it's horrible all the same. Have you considered seeing a doctor - you might well be depressed. Counselling? If you have no-one to talk to therapy might well help. After d-day I had IC - just to clear my head so I could think clearly and cope with whatever was to come.
SmokeRat Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Brother let me tell you something. I will effortlessly walk into a burning structure, crawl through collapsed tiny spaces and brush off hazmat stuff like it's nothing. But I am nearly crippled with fear and feeling ashamed by what my wife did to me. So I feel you there. Listen to all these people here, they will help you, as they helped me come to the reality of the situation. It takes time to get a teaching position, hell it took me five years to get on the fire department. But I never stopped thinking I will get on, remember it's not a matter of IF but a matter of WHEN. She cheated on you. SHE MADE THAT CHOICE. Not you. It is her fault, her cross to carry, and trust me brother it will eventually catch up to her. Keep your head held high, I've lost my house, my wife, my dog (starting to sound like a country song), but I still have my dignity and my career. Discard these people that just seem to bring you down and surround yourself with people who love and care for you. You are not a failure, and I refuse to believe that you are one. We are all here for you, will never turn away from you and will always listen. 4
Author muaddib87 Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 But look, I am just being a selfish jerk again. I, regardless of what she did, still love her more then I can describe. I truly just want her to be happy, healthy, taken care of, and fulfilled. I wish that she could be all that with me, but again I'm a failure. I need to stop thinking about how hurt I am and think about others and her and stuff.
Video Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Woman love confidence and they hate being smothered whether they want to admit it or not. You may be too nice. Take this as a compliment. It doesnt make sense to us men as we think logically, give them everything do everything for them. Woman however...if you do this they will become bored. It sucks but its true. Its just a thought, but maybe your too damn nice? Use this as a learning experience. Be confident. Be a rock...an immovable center for her to gravitate towards.
SmokeRat Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Stop thinking about her and her emotions, look what she did to you. You have every right to to more invested in your emotions right now. I still wish my STBXW all the happiness and joy that this world can bring, with the knowledge that she will never find it as well as I gave it to her. You're not being selfish, you are grieving and this is normal. Look back at some of my initial posts and you will find I was very much like you. Making excuses for her behavior, all the while, hurting myself in the process. Time to stop feeling sorry for her, and start grieving, crying, being angry, throwing things. Get it all out, and then start working on yourself. You have a wonderful career ahead of you. 1
Author muaddib87 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Posted March 31, 2013 So she is dating the other man. That hurt so much. It just seems to be getting worse and worse. I am happy that she is happy, but I guess there was a part of me that was hoping that she (or her friends) would feel badly. I feel so damaged by all of this. Worse yet I keep finding myself on these damned websites reading about crap, and constantly over analyzing my every action over the last few months. I feel like the bad person in every hypothetical situation. I feel like the ******* boy friend in all of the blood romcoms. I can't get over the guilt for feeling depressed over my (admittedly meaningless jobs, totaled cars etc) problems, for feeling cross for the neglect, for putting too much pressure on her (because I was disappointed with my career and my close friends moving very far away.) All I seem to do is blame myself for every little thing, and assume that this is all my fault. I hate it all so damn much. It's like she's dead, and this thing has taken her place. I hate so much losing people, and to know that I'll most likely never see or talk to her again, is awful. I wish I could talk to someone real, but I'm too embarrassed/guilty to reach out to my friend/family. I just go to work (thankfully for about 14 hrs a day), and sleep. I'm just stuck in this hell, and it seems like it will never get better. I don't want to regret this, to have the blood of this relationship on my hands.
Author muaddib87 Posted April 6, 2013 Author Posted April 6, 2013 Ugh I really want to contact her, to apologize or at least tell her I love her. It is killing me to know that I may not only never be able to love her, but never talk to her again. I'm trying to stay positive, hoping that things will get better, maybe she will come back, or my life will improve with something else, but it is extremely difficult. I'm painfully lonely, I miss her so much. I still hate myself for this, I wish I knew if she cared, or if she hates me.
Jonah Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 You would have never grown to be a real man unless you got to experience being dumped. Therapy will help you grow. Work on you. If you take care of yourself you will surpass this girl to the point that you won't want her. Years ago I experienced the exact same thing. In time the situation has changed. If I wanted to I could go rescue that same person that put me through all that hell, and she would go with me in a heartbeat. But she ain't quite as pretty as she used to be... "amazing person" so you say. See how amazing she is after she's been through half a dozen guys and raising fatherless children. You could amaze yourself by making strides to improve.
freestyle Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 I'm so sorry you're going through this right now, OP. That's one of the cruelest by-products of infidelity-- the way it can make us question ourselves , and our own self-worth. (AND--it's a natural, understandable reaction) I went through a similar period of self-flagellation when my SO had an EA years ago. I was so, deeply, madly in love with him, that my heart couldn't bring myself to find fault with him---so instead I dissected everything I'd ever said and done for the duration of the relationship. That reaction was partially due to having been scapegoated frequently during my formative years---I was used to being a blame absorber. Eventually, my heart and brain got into synch with each other, and that, *"HEY! .........Now wait a minute!!!....." *, light bulb moment happened for me. I finally realized that I was NOT responsible for his behavior, and choices, HE was. You'll get through this---it's a process. When you find yourself going through hell----keep going... 3
Jonah Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Ugh I really want to contact her, to apologize or at least tell her I love her. It is killing me to know that I may not only never be able to love her, but never talk to her again. I'm trying to stay positive, hoping that things will get better, maybe she will come back, or my life will improve with something else, but it is extremely difficult. I'm painfully lonely, I miss her so much. I still hate myself for this, I wish I knew if she cared, or if she hates me. Looking back, what I regret the most is that I wasted time and energy on winning her back. What I now wish I would have done is enjoy my freedom. If I could go back, that is what I would change. I wish I would have let her go immediately. It's the freedom that I miss... Not the woman. You will be here someday my friend.
Jonah Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 Ugh I really want to contact her, to apologize or at least tell her I love her. It is killing me to know that I may not only never be able to love her, but never talk to her again. I'm trying to stay positive, hoping that things will get better, maybe she will come back, or my life will improve with something else, but it is extremely difficult. I'm painfully lonely, I miss her so much. I still hate myself for this, I wish I knew if she cared, or if she hates me. If she were back with you right now, me thinks you would be complaining... Gee, do I really want her back?
scatterd Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 I am so sorry for your pain. You are being pretty hard on your self. Know that you will heal in time and one day you will look back at this and see things you are not seeing now. Getting through heart ache is hard it seems as though the pain will not stop and the time passes slow. Know that each day you are healing and one day you will wake up and it wont hurt so bad. Try to keep your self busy, and take care of your self. Go to the doctor you may need help with depression. Now is the time to reach out to family. Cry it out if you have to. You are going to feel better and it usually happens when you let go of the person you holding on to.This feeling will pass. I hope you find peace real soon. Big Hugs.:bunny:
MYCluciferase Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 muaddib87, Sounds like you put a little too much on your exGF - too much need and too many hopes. Being needy isn't attractive to many people; your friends moved away, you sound like you were struggling with your jobs, your bad car karma, yourself, and sounds like your needs came down on your girlfriend. This isn't really a criticism of you, because had she been caring and more mature she'd have tried to help you through all this, but she just cheated and disappeared over the horizon. I think you need to be less self-critical, less self-analyzing, and just go out and make friends and have some fun. It'd also be good to sort out your job situation so that you feel good about that. Then start thinking about another relationship. I think people (of both sexes) appreciate it when their potential partners are well-grounded, seem happy and have a social life and friends. I totally understand the psychology of beating yourself up (I have some bad events in my past that make me prone to this); I will always tend to take the blame in a situation because I struggle to give myself my true value. If that particular feeling continues for you I recommend seeing a mental health professional. Had I done this years ago my life would have been a lot easier. Loosen up, move on, give yourself a break!
Author muaddib87 Posted April 9, 2013 Author Posted April 9, 2013 I agree, I was guilty of being clingy/putting pressure for the last couple months. I feel so guilty, so full of regret for it all.
native7two Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 I can tell from your post that you are a thoughtful, sensitive, self-aware person. A good decent person. I hope you realize that you are going through a natural process of feeling deeply hurt, your self-doubt and anguish is natural and that you can't depend on your partner (or your idealization of the love you feel for her) to bring you out of that fully -- you need external sources of support, friends, counselors, hobbies and outlets. You posted on here, you are looking outward for support and for answers and that is the right step forward. You may find that being a bit more outwardly confident and less of a sensitive-new-age-guy might help change the dynamic of your relationship, but in the end your hurt is your hurt, and you are entitled to feel it -- damaging actions happened to you in real and present ways. As a survivor of my wife's EA, I can tell you: this is very hard work -- whether the relationship survives or not -- but you are not alone. I am very sorry your despair, everyone on here can empathize. 2
Author muaddib87 Posted April 22, 2013 Author Posted April 22, 2013 First, allow me to thank you very much for the interest in my situation. The positive comments were extremely kind. While I am in no situation to accept them for truth, I appreciate the sentiment. So from the bottom of my heart thank you. I do have one single question remaining. Now I am quite sure this is displaying my super whipped/bitch-ness, but I digress. So she is graduating soon, and I had wanted to get her a present for her achievement, as somewhat of an apology and a washing of any debt I may owe her (and of course my foolish love.) I wanted to attend the ceremony and drop off the present at her (our old) apartment. So just how stupid is this. I guess I am really trying to overcome my guilt. I don't know, I would ask my friends/family, but I hate admitting my weaknesses and failures to them, so to the interwebs I go. Thank you again for everything.
Jonah Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 This would take some courage. If you could do it with your head held high with no expectations it would help your resolve in being a man. Have you learned to "take it well"? You need to. Don't spend much on the gift, a nice "papyrus" card would get best mileage. But remember it is a gift... expect nothing in return. You are obviously hurt and this is "going back into the ring." If you can do it you should. I'm sure she wants you there and she will appreciate your being there - if not immediately then later in life when she gets to live her rainy days... she will remember that you were there and think of you as brave and caring. Others on this board would rather you go hit her with a rock! But this lovely lass did spend some time with you and helped beautify your life for a few seasons. Be glad you got to experience it. Time to be free for a while... make the most of it. There will come a day when you miss your freedom more than the girl! -Jonah
Jonah Posted April 22, 2013 Posted April 22, 2013 . I guess I am really trying to overcome my guilt. my weaknesses Just some fyi... this downing of yourself is a cultural problem prevalent in the US. If you tried to describe yourself as a failure to someone from the far east they wouldn't understand at all. You can stop apologizing now. Do you do it in hopes of receiving affirmation that you are ok? That you are special? This is like begging people to stroke your ego. This constant apologizing for your weaknesses may just be your greatest weakness!
MYCluciferase Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 Jonah, didn't think that was prevalent in the US, I thought us Brits were world champions at "apologetic self-denigration.." But yes, muaddib87, think of your phrase: "I feel so guilty, so full of regret for it all." You feel guilty - for her, and regretful - for the result and for yourself Sadly it doesn't do either of you any good. Get on with your life, make some new friends. Having fun is the best way to put the bad times in the past. I wish you the best.
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