rcknrl Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 So I dated a guy for 3 months and he was always pretty secretive/private about things. Then he breaks up with me. At first he blamed it on the fact that we're gonna be living far apart soon. He told me, "Nothing has to change between us whatsoever, I'll still take care of u and we can still go out and stuff, we just won't be BF/GF." Then the next day, he tells me - in a text - that oh yeah, his parents believe in arranged marriages and he just found out they want one for him and he doesn't wanna devastate his parents so he's gonna have to do it even though he doesn't want to. Since then... He texts me all the time telling me he can't live without me, he loves me, he can't imagine me not being his best friend, and he'll be waiting around forever for me until I decide the same. We've hung out as "friends" a few times, and each time he holds my hand, buys my dinner, cuddles me, and even kissed me (briefly). Hasn't tried to hook up or make it a FWB situation at all. So if he's never gonna stand up to his family, then why is he acting like this and telling me such strong feelings, weeks after the breakup?
ThatJustHappened Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Ugh..what a wuss! Tell him to leave you alone!
polyglot Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 This forum is really really crazy. It's completely opposite to what happened to me. In fact the girl said, you can't be my bf anymore. I heard her say, "Lets be friends"
Author rcknrl Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 Poly, sorry to hear you're going through this too. Based on my ex's actions I've been wondering if he might change his mind/ if there was anything I could possibly do to facilitate that. Just seems like he's totally driven by fear of upsetting people, and when he'd be upsetting both me and his parents...
garnettandblack84 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Does he come from a strongly religious and traditional family? Have you ever met them? This story is missing details, as far as a guy looking at the situation goes. There aren't many families that can pre determine matches any more, even in strict cultural settings...
garnettandblack84 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 blah posted it all before I was done. If that is so, then I would do one of two things. Coming from a different country and understanding the cultural backgrounds and how important they are, I would tell him to please leave me alone if he isnt willing to have the go nads to stick up for you. Anytime in love, I have had an opportunity to stick up for the woman I loved, and he should too. If not then it is null and void... Let go and move on
Author rcknrl Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 He thinks we can still be "friends." 2 problems: 1) None of my other "friends" hold my hand, tell me they love me & cant bear to be without me, etc. Just him 2) How can i be friends with someone whose decisions I don't support? Since I know he has strong feelings for me, I think he's being dishonest by going thru with an arranged marriage -- lying to his family and wife by making them think he's cool with it, while secretly telling me his feelings for me.
Author rcknrl Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 then again i should probably also appreciate this is really hard for him. who wants to devastate their family? i just feel that considering how strong his feeligns are for me, I'm worth it and shouldn't be 2nd best. I just don't know what to say to communicate that to him
destroyed4sho Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 RUN LIKE A LION IS CHASING YOU!!!........ He will NEVER go against his parents wishes.
Author rcknrl Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 It's just hard for me not to be hopeful because instead of a normal breakup where he wishes me well and maybe stays casual friends, this guy keeps coming after me with sappy texts, buying me dinner and telling me he can't be without me. Then when I told him I don't think we should be friends, his response was to burst into tears and hold my hand and hold me close. How can I really think this guy isn't considering changing his mind? I just want to tell him flat out that we can't just be friends because I don't even support the choices he's making as his friend -- because he's lying to his faimly, future wife, and himself by pretending he's ok with something while secretly still telling me all these emotional thingsd.
destroyed4sho Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 You have to end it NOW....there is no other way out of this....unless you want to spend the next 7 years of your life back and forth with this guy and he ends up marrying his betrothed anyway. Good luck! let us know how it turns out!
Author rcknrl Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 Do you mean just tell him flat out that I refuse to be 2nd best and never talk to him again? Vs sticking around and seeing whether he changes his mind, based just upon how strongly he seems to feel for me right now?
destroyed4sho Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 (edited) Look, its OVERRRRRR...and you came to the right place to post.....i actually applaud him for being upfront about his SOON TO COME arranged marriage. Now he cant be blamed for whatever happens next bc he was honest your choice now. Its over bc if he does change his mind, you will forever be the girl that prevented him from.marrying the person he is truly suppose to be with according to his culture, traditions, and family. His family will hold resentment towards you and so will he. If he keeps stringing you along and in the end doesnt change his mind you will have wasted years of your life and be heartbroken. (i guarrantee you this is what will happen) Be smart, cut your losses now. Give him a nice all deserving boot in his a**. He shouldnt of been messing with no girl since he KNEW from infancy his culture and family promotes arranged marriages. If he was an upstandig.guy he would of never allowed it to come to.this point. Edited March 25, 2013 by destroyed4sho
Author rcknrl Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 If he was an upstandig.guy he would of never allowed it to come to.this point. How about, if he was an upstanding guy he wouldn't keep telling me he LOVES me and treating me romantically and saying he can't live without me if he doesn't intend to follow through? WTF?
destroyed4sho Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 (edited) BC he is selfish and wants his cake an eat it too. He was selfish in the beginning for seeking out love , experimenting, whatever KNOWING that he is betrothed to someone else. Now he is being selfish for continuing this. He wants to milk it as much as he can before the arranged marriage takes place in which case he will.dump you like yesterdays garbage the day before the ceremony. Ive been thru similar and had a friend that went thru it too. And NO , he is not special or different. AND NO, your relationship is not special or different. its been only 3 months consider yourself LUCKY that he told you this now rather than 5 years later. This boy doesnt know what love is and definitely does not have the spine to fight for it. His 'love' is momentary, fleeting love , weak love, possibly lust, not real and he knows it. Leave this boy alone. Edited March 25, 2013 by destroyed4sho
lovelyde Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 I have a very good idea that will make the tables turn for you. *evil smile* Go find another boyfriend and make out in front of his face. Or post pictures of yourself on Facebook of you out at a club wearing really skimpy clothing and say ""Looking for sexy guys to bed me. ;)" And make sure to set your Facebook settings so only he can see it. Lol!!!
destroyed4sho Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I have a very good idea that will make the tables turn for you. *evil smile* Go find another boyfriend and make out in front of his face. Or post pictures of yourself on Facebook of you out at a club wearing really skimpy clothing and say ""Looking for sexy guys to bed me. ;)" And make sure to set your Facebook settings so only he can see it. Lol!!! How old are you?? 12? This is terrible advice pls ignore!!
lovelyde Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 How old are you?? 12? This is terrible advice pls ignore!! This is excellent advice. I never ever regretted getting revenge in my entire life. Revenge is AWESOME, totally COOL!!! Even the God of the Bible takes revenge. Ever read the Book of Revelation? If God takes revenge, why can't we?
Author rcknrl Posted March 26, 2013 Author Posted March 26, 2013 Oh dear. Rather than revenge, I'm just gonna be honest and tell him that because I love him, I'm not gonna stand by throughout his life while he makes a decision that I know will make him miserable and also dishonest towards his family and wife (by pretending to go alogn w/something he doesn't want at all.)
destroyed4sho Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 (edited) Oh dear. Rather than revenge, I'm just gonna be honest and tell him that because I love him, I'm not gonna stand by throughout his life while he makes a decision that I know will make him miserable and also dishonest towards his family and wife (by pretending to go alogn w/something he doesn't want at all.) Im glad that you are going.to go ahead and call it off. Not necessarily, you dont know if this decision will make him miserable. Quit the contrary, there are PLENTY of people in arranged marriages that are happy and in loving relationships. The only thing you have to think about is that his decision does not involve YOU! Edited March 26, 2013 by destroyed4sho
Author rcknrl Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 (edited) OK I haven't been able to stay away. When we talk it's just so genuine. The way he cares, the reasons he tells me I'm amazing. This guy keeps pursuing contact with me even though I'm about to spend many months away for my job. What is he "getting" out of that unless he truly cared? And I recently told him that I think what he's doing (blindly going along w/parents' wishes, not standing up for me & what he feels for me) is not honorable. And yet he still doesn't blow me off. I feel that someone who genuinely keeps wanting to stay close to me under these conditions has to truly care. Edited April 12, 2013 by rcknrl
Zahara Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 OK I haven't been able to stay away. When we talk it's just so genuine. The way he cares, the reasons he tells me I'm amazing. This guy keeps pursuing contact with me even though I'm about to spend many months away for my job. What is he "getting" out of that unless he truly cared? And I recently told him that I think what he's doing (blindly going along w/parents' wishes, not standing up for me & what he feels for me) is not honorable. And yet he still doesn't blow me off. I feel that someone who genuinely keeps wanting to stay close to me under these conditions has to truly care. What happened to talking to him and telling him what you intend to do? And did you really say that you know he would feel miserable with your decision? He's not that miserable. You're the one posting on an online forum. So what if he truly cares? Doesn't care enough to make you a priority in his life. He can care and absolutely love the connection that you two have but all that means nothing when he is choosing not to be with you. What happens when he does get married to someone else? What will you do? "Oh, he's married but he still pursues me so I keep talking to him because it's genuine and it must also mean he cares." Get a grip.
Author rcknrl Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 (edited) What happened to talking to him and telling him what you intend to do? And did you really say that you know he would feel miserable with your decision? Oh I had that conversation. He burst into tears right in front of me. Then told me a week later that he cries himself to sleep every night over this. I would say that's pretty miserable. I just don't think he would want to keep reaching out & being part of my life when all I'm doing is telling him how he's currently failing... Not being around for an ego boost or casual sex or any of those other potential "benefits." I'm not really offering him anything good or fun and he still doesn't want to just blow me off. Ever. That's why I can't help but think there's more to this. I told him my honest thoughts, how I think it's ridiculous not to be willing to stand up for me. He didn't disagree with me or blow me off. He just kept trying more to genuinely be part of my life. Edited April 12, 2013 by rcknrl
Zahara Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 What happens when he marries someone else? What will you do then? Set aside how genuine this feels. One thing that is sure and genuine is his priority to make his parents happy, not you. The question is, how long will you carry on with the "you're great but just not great enough to fight for and be with"...if you can walk away when he finally ties himself to someone else, good for you. What you had would have served it's purpose. Just don't cry about why and how, and but, but it was so genuine, when it comes to that. He's miserable by his own doing while you stick around hoping he'll change his mind.
Author rcknrl Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 (edited) What happens when he marries someone else? What will you do then? Set aside how genuine this feels. One thing that is sure and genuine is his priority to make his parents happy, not you. But I emailed him saying how he should be willing to stand up to his parents for me... and he didn't 1) say he disagreed or 2) blow me off and stop trying to pursue me in his life anymore. If he read that email and was like "yeah right," then there's just no point for him to keep trying to stay close to me. clearly I'm not just a fun carefree friend for him to have around. Yet he won't stop reaching out even when I'm very lukewarm Edited April 12, 2013 by rcknrl
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