sunshine63 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 I was involved in a lengthy affair with a MM. There were no children involved. I have never done anything like this, I had no idea what “hysterical bonding” was until I read this site; and we had no plans whatsoever for d-Day. Well, as you can probably predict, d-Day happened via his wife finding out. I received a very brief note stating she found out, literally two lines. We talked a few minutes after the note and he was downright nonsensical during the conversation, short and angry with me. The next day I received another brief note, about two lines long, saying things were bad there (at his home) and we would have to “go no contact?” I fully expected to get a note saying that “It has been real, but we are done/over… I am going to work on my marriage, blah…blah… But that for an ending—huh? I respected his request for no contact and did not contact him. I have heard nothing from him for a few months. I am just scratching my head. I can live with the ending. I wish him no harm. It is just how it ended, I am so confused.
2sunny Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 It's not weird. It's not confusing. He's working on his M by spending time and energy repairing the damage he did - the damage you helped him cause. Why is that confusing? He had to eliminate you - or theM would end. Why confusing? 1
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 He chose to go NC because you two had a d-day. Your A is over and he isn't going to see or talk to you again. Sorry, not sure if you're holding onto hope that he'll contact you, so the A can continue on? Read between the lines, in his own way he DID let you know that the A is over. he said NC and he was going to work on his marriage. To me, that means goodbye and it's over. It's good that you are still choosing to respect his desire to do NC. It shows you care enough to listen and follow through on staying away. Grieve the loss and let yourself heal so you can really let go and move on with your life. No point in pining over someone who has made their decision to stay married and go NC with you. Take care and Do rely on good friends and family to keep you busy and be your support system. 3
2sunny Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 One of your past posts states you are happily married. Please clarify your situation - you married? Single now? Was this your boss you had an A with?
Author sunshine63 Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 I was happily married. That is over. I am now single. No, the AP was my former boss. I left that job right about the time I did the post. It was a very uncomfortable situation and I would never mix up work like that. My confusion is not that the A has ended. I can deal with that. Just how he reacted at the end. Completely out-of-character and not the controlled methodical man I was used to.
Author sunshine63 Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 **The AP was NOT my former boss. Sorry about that type-o.
stevie_23 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 I was shocked with how my ex-MM behaved after his last 2 D-days too. He did come back after the 3rd one (there were 4 in total during our 2 years together), but the 4th one was too much and he left. At least you GOT something telling you what had happened. On the final D-day, my ex-MM didn't tell me ANYTHING and I thought he was mad at me for a week and I was literally distraught and shocked. You say your ex-MM behaved out of character? Well, maybe it WAS his character, but just not to YOU. Maybe you just never saw that side. I was surprised to read how common it is, after a D-day, that MM just...end things. Sometimes with no explanation at all. Mostly with a brief, stressed and cold written statement. 1
BetrayedH Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 I would also confirm that this is pretty normal. When Dday occurs, most BSs are only willing to consider a reconciliation if their wayward spouse agrees to immediate NC for life. The wayward is forced to make an immediate decision. And when pressed, they almost always choose to stay with the marriage. The betrayed spouse also typically becomes hypervigilant. They will watch every move of their wayward spouse, not to police them but to confirm that what they have been told is true. This means that any contact your MM has with you has high risk of being discovered and being caught again after DDay would likely be the end for him. What you need to probably accept is that he didn't want to leave the marriage; he wanted to be a cake-eater and when that was no longer possible, no stopped. And there's no doing that half way. If he wanted to stay married, he had no choice but to do it the way he did it. This is not to say he didn't have feelings for you. The problem is that his feelings aren't enough to take him from his marriage. And when they do contact you "after the dust settles," it's almost never to leave the marriage and be with you; its to resume cake-eating and the cycle begins again. They may have all kinds of words to try to make you feel better but the fact is now known that they're willing to drop you like a hot rock when push comes to shove. 2
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