surferchic Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Hi all. So my question is pretty straight forward. How do you feel about loving more than one person, romantically. I've seen the question come up in a few threads and wanted to get feedback. Is it always considered hedonistic, when I have the feelings but DON'T act on it? I've never had an ongoing relationship with more than one man, but would like to know if my feelings are normal. Also, for people who live a hedonistic lifestyle, what does that mean when it comes to being safe... aren't you afraid of catching something?
MarinaX Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I've been in the situation where I've been in love with two men at the same time and... it's mentally tiring. Heres the scoop... I had a boyfriend for 4 years and we broke up but kept in contact all the time since we were best friends. 2 years passed and I still loved him and told him I can't go on like this anymore and we need to cut contact because I can't get over him. He said he still didn't want to be in a relationship because long distance would not work (oh yeah, forgot to say... he lives across the country) Cutting him out was the hardest thing ever for me, but a few days after I met a new guy who was everything my boyfriend wasn't and I fell for him instantaneously. OF course it would happen that my ex finds out and wants me back. By this time I've realized that the new guy is amazing BUT lacks the good qualities of my boyfriend. SO... I have two great guys who have opposite good qualities. One is an amazing friend and the other an amazing lover. Things get rough with the new boyfriend so I just fell back into my old relationship however, my feelings for the new dude never resolved and still haven't. As a result, this just causes problems with my old boyfriend because I feel like there is something lacking that I can only get from the new guy. It's a rocky road and I wouldn't consider myself hedonistic. Neither relationship has been working for me and at the moment I'm not speaking with either of them... or I should say, neither are speaking to me. By trying to be a little selfish so I can figure out some stuff for myself, I've made things worse. I never did figure out who would make me happier and I wonder if I'll ever find someone who completely makes me happy
Author surferchic Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 Thanks for the response marinax. I definitely understand where you're coming from. Sorry they're not speaking to you... I've been there. How long have been seeing the guys? I was almost in that situation. There were 3 guys in my case. One seemed to be holding back, while the other 2 weren't holding back at all. However they were all different, but I couldn't get enough the 2 who never held back emotions or affection. I had to 2 of them go seeing how it seemed short lived. The other who is still standing is cool, but he plays games. Though he makes me happy when we're together, he has expectations of me that I don't think I can fulfill.
Green Light Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Sometimes my right hand does get jealous but both are very good at catching things!
unevenXchange Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I would think it could get pretty confusing. Plus, why even be in a relationship with someone who's into hedonism? They're probably selfish and greedy...right?
MarinaX Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 i had been seeing the second guy for about a year... unfortunately picking one or the other was so difficult because of how different they were. i guess i realize now that i could probably never have chosen. in some sense i was waiting to see who would leave first and as luck would have it, they both left at about the same time. My fault though, i never gave either my heart completely despite the fact that i really did love them both.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 This is normal when you have emotions for several people, maybe even on the level of what you'd consider "love" but not anyone of them is entirely compatible with you, or what you're looking for. People often wish that people were like lego's, you could just take this off this over here and place it on this over there but it doesn't work that way. Plus it's easy to live in a fantasy of nostalgia once that relationship is gone....you tend to forget the bad things, then you get back involved with that person and it's a slap in the face...and lo and behold, you still have problems or issues with certain aspect of them that make you as a whole...incompatible. I think people attribute way too much to feelings and so called "love", these may be what seems like a genuine and real experience, but it's mainly psychological...there's a reason you're spreading yourself thin and unable to invest in one person...and that runs much deeper than any man or woman. You'll find in the end it was all about you...not the men. 1
Author surferchic Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 so when does "love" come into play? does love in this context really exist or is everything just a feeling. i'm not being sarcastic at all, btw. i'm truly curious about true love... and what love has to do with anything nowadays...
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 so when does "love" come into play? does love in this context really exist or is everything just a feeling. i'm not being sarcastic at all, btw. i'm truly curious about true love... and what love has to do with anything nowadays... Love is something used to define any strong or compelling emotion or connection that people tend to have with another human being, there isn't much of a grey area if you think about it...most people either consider it love or not love. There is also the level of being "in love", meaning that those emotions you have for this person are greater than your capacity to contain and you have a hard time seeing anything beyond them or outside of them. However this is also confused with infatuation, some people are so desperate to be and feel loved that as soon as they see it within their reach they react desperately to hold onto it, it's a reaction of their own insecurity and inability to love themselves. I believe there's another level of what you'd consider "true love" but that's something that has to come from within yourself. It's a process of peeling back the layers and exposing the real inner core of you and someone doing the same and completely connecting with you as the person you are underneath the exterior/face, pain/hurt, fears and issues people have that cloud this "light" inside of you. It's something like seeing a beacon in the distance, but it's very foggy and you can't quite make it out...however people are often derailed and give up on what they'd consider "true love" because they fear that they'll never find it or make it, or that it's just a fantasy or that they have to settle for something lest be alone forever. Love honestly doesn't have a lot to do with things in most cases in my opinion. Most of it is just a combination of fears, insecurities, and deep desires to find something or fix someone else because you cannot give it to yourself alone. There are many broken people trying to find the missing pieces in others, i believe there is a kind of love that you have and share with human beings regardless of the extent...however it doesn't always or most often times mean compatibility, longevity/forever or true love. However people are often scared to let go of the past...past lovers, past emotions, past wounds that harbor a lot of pain and where much of their fears and insecurities may resonate from within. If you think about it...you are "choosing" much when it comes to your love, it's not just happening on it's own..."true love" I believe happens on it's own and while being more...I guess you could say "spiritually" open. You don't want to let go of any over your past or current lovers...it's a sense of security, and there's a sense of fear overriding your ability to make the "right" decisions...the truth that you feel in your gut...and I believe you'll never find that "true love" if you can't be true to yourself and listen to your heart and what your gut tells you.....when those two align, you will find that much of the struggle and fight, and conflict you feel now, will not be present...suddenly it will just be "easy". But that's just my opinion...which includes my experience of loving more than one woman in my life at a time, or even more for a number of years. I can understand how hard it is to let go of something you think might have or could be "special" or "it".
Author surferchic Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 well i kind of agree with the idea that love is what you make it. i also, feel that eventually someone is ALWAYS weak to the point where they cheat... so with that said, what's the point of marriage nowadays?
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