crimsoncurrent Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Well, it's been nearly 2 and a half months of complete NC, and although certain areas of processing the loss have improved, other areas seem to have become more intense and painful. Sometimes, especially this weekend, it's still difficult that she's becoming a complete stranger to me, especially after being together for nearly 4 years. I sometimes think I'm slowly going insane, thinking about her obsessively, wondering how her life has changed, if at all. I'm wondering has anyone else had similar sentiments after long bouts of NC? Also, is this normal? My therapist said healing from a BU is not necessarily a linear progression, but there are moments when I feel sheer panic as the days go by, knowing that the next will be the same result: NC with her. It seems exhausting at times. I would gladly appreciate sharing their insight. Thank you.
Mayfare Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Well I didn't go completely NC, but I'm almost 3 months post BU and have been in LC. From LC I've realized that he does miss me a lot and the BU is sad for him too, but the relationship is truly over. It's sad for both of us, but it's not the end of the world. LC helped me avoid the panic you're having, but we're pretty much in NC now anyway because after a while, there's really no point in speaking to an ex anymore. I hope that makes you feel a little bit better? The stranger thing is hard for me, too. I heard from my hairdresser (who cuts both of our hair haha) that he was flying across the country for job interviews and such, and I had nooo idea! It hurt a lot to hear that his life is changing so much and I'm not part of it. We ended up seeing each other and that helped because I realized things weren't all rainbows and butterflies for him either, despite how much it seemed like they were. There's no way you could have been together for so long (four years in your case) and she's just not sad about it. She lost her best friend, too. 1
Author crimsoncurrent Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 Well I didn't go completely NC, but I'm almost 3 months post BU and have been in LC. From LC I've realized that he does miss me a lot and the BU is sad for him too, but the relationship is truly over. It's sad for both of us, but it's not the end of the world. LC helped me avoid the panic you're having, but we're pretty much in NC now anyway because after a while, there's really no point in speaking to an ex anymore. I hope that makes you feel a little bit better? The stranger thing is hard for me, too. I heard from my hairdresser (who cuts both of our hair haha) that he was flying across the country for job interviews and such, and I had nooo idea! It hurt a lot to hear that his life is changing so much and I'm not part of it. We ended up seeing each other and that helped because I realized things weren't all rainbows and butterflies for him either, despite how much it seemed like they were. There's no way you could have been together for so long (four years in your case) and she's just not sad about it. She lost her best friend, too. Thank you for your reply! In my case, because the cause of the BU was due to my misconduct, with her finding explicit online conversations, I'm unsure whether she misses me much at all. The last email I received from her, which was nearly 3 months ago, she said "her life is now free of dramatics and full of possibilities." So, I'm just uncertain. I'm not sure what to think, really. Maybe in the long-term its the best for me, but it's just so painful. The idea of never talking nor seeing her again is sickening. Anyway, thanks again for the reply. I'm glad you've been able to manage with your loss. Sounds like you're processing it well.
Mayfare Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I'm willing to bet she only said that because your misconduct really hurt her. I'm generally not someone to get wrapped up in drama or the heat of the moment, but I've said some not so great things to my ex because the breakup really hurt me and I wanted him to hurt too. For example, I told him I wish we never dated and that I regret losing my virginity to him. I really don't feel this way at all and I should have never said it, but I felt like he deserved to hurt more than he was and I knew that would do it. I've apologized and said I didn't mean it, but I know it still upsets him. She stayed with you for four years, so she had to be pretty happy with things for the most part. If things were so "dramatic" and hindering her from pursing other possibilities to any great extent, she would have ended it a long time ago. She probably does think the breakup is necessary and she may never want to revisit this relationship, but that doesn't mean it isn't still a painful loss for her. Dumpers and dumpees play this stupid break up game where they try to make everyone think their lives are so happy and perfect without their ex. Eventually, everyone probably will be happier, but that takes a long, long time. I flat out asked my ex if he was happier now that we're broken up and he said "no, not at all, but I know in a year from now we'll both be happier than if we stayed together". My point is that she's getting over you just like you're getting over her, and she's probably not all that happy without you, but believes in the long run she will be. 2
Author crimsoncurrent Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 That's helpful to hear, especially with at least being comforted by the notion that I'm not the only was miserable with this arrangement. You articulated my mentality well, within that, in the long run, I'll eventually be happier and over her.
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