pyramid Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I've just started dating a wonderful man who was widowed two years ago (10 yr relationship). We are both mid-30s, and I have a child (I'm divorced). I'm looking for a long term relationship. He is open to a relationship but isn't sure if he's ready. He's been dating for about 6 months but nothing serious. I am absolutely willing to take things slow and let him take the lead, but this is entirely new territory for me! It's still very early but we like each other a lot. If you've been through this (on either side), I'd love to hear your experience.
RedRobin Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 (edited) Glad to hear you met someone special. Here is my experience/observation... When one is divorced, along with the feelings of abandonment and the tragedy of losing the life you thought you had that come with any kind of major loss... there is often betrayal and the tearing away of one's confidence in finding a new partner. People have a hard time trusting themselves and other people. When someone is widowed, the most negative things that come with losing a spouse via divorce are usually avoided... That is a very good thing for future relationships. Still, if you lose a spouse at a young age (especially if it is sudden and unpredictable) there can be a lot of anger too... just a different kind. Then of course, there is the desire to avoid being widowed again. So they may be very conscious of their new partner's health and if they have any overly dangerous hobbies. A lack of trust from someone who has prematurely lost a loved one due to death is more a falling away of expectations and maybe a lack of trust in the world, or 'God', depending on their value system. There may be anger and intense sadness of having to start over again. ... then there is the feeling of being very different from people in your own age group. They can't understand. Widowed people are probably not going to relate to divorced people who are disillusioned about marriage. How did your partner lose his wife, if I may ask? Edited March 24, 2013 by RedRobin 2
soccerrprp Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 (edited) When someone is widowed, the most negative things that come with losing a spouse via divorce are usually avoided... That is a very good thing for future relationships. Still, if you lose a spouse at a young age (especially if it is sudden and unpredictable) there can be a lot of anger too... just a different kind. Then of course, there is the desire to avoid being widowed again. So they may be very conscious of their new partner's health and if they have any overly dangerous hobbies. A lack of trust from someone who has prematurely lost a loved one due to death is more a falling away of expectations and maybe a lack of trust in the world, or 'God', depending on their value system. There may be anger and intense sadness of having to start over again. ... then there is the feeling of being very different from people in your own age group. They can't understand. Widowed people are probably not going to relate to divorced people who are disillusioned about marriage. How did your partner lose his wife, if I may ask? Wow, I truly appreciate this level of understanding for those of us who are widowers/widowed. He was widowed over two years ago, so the pain is more distant. This is good of course. Things to look for: 1. Depression 2. More idealistic view of relationships. Yes, for widows/widowers, our end of relationship with not voluntary. We often times have some difficulty relating to the cynicism that exists, but of course, this is especially true if the relationship was positive in the first place. Overall this could be very good, but sometimes widow/widowers may seem to move faster in the relationship. 3. The degree of emotional attachment and commitment may also have a lot do with how the wife passed away. Was it sudden? Or long and drawn-out? 4. He says that he MAY not be ready. Talk to him about this. He may still have lingering, emotional feeling for his late wife. 5. Be patient. 6. When and if he says that he IS ready, don't play psychologist and second-guess him simply by his past. Watch him, by his actions, will he show whether he is truly ready or not. But this is true of any relationship, right? Edited March 24, 2013 by soccerrprp 1
Author pyramid Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 Thank you both - this is very helpful. She died of cancer. I do think he still has feelings for her. I am actually ok with this to some extent - as long as he is able to move on. I almost view it as love for a child - you don't lose the love you have for your first child when you have a second. I know that she will always have a special place in his heart. I told him that I understand it's not something he will ever "get over" and that I am not uncomfortable with him talking about her - if he wants to talk about her, then he should talk about her. I think he said that he MAY be ready because he won't really know until it happens. He says he's ready to try (and he's definitely trying!). I told him that all I ask is that he be honest with me about how he's feeling.
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