ImperfectionisBeauty Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I am the biggest worrier in life, I realize it and I hate it. I posted about how my boy has a new job that is going to keep him very busy for the next few weeks which means I likely will not see him much. I am not in a panic mode because what if he stops liking me in that time? I don't want to be annoying and he has said before that he isn't going to stop liking me and he told me not to stop liking him but I am scared! I don't even know why I am scared, I just know I really like him and he is totally different from any guy I have dated. I know that if I lost him I wouldn't find another guy like him, he doesn't care about sex he doesn't pressure me. I can just lay with him and talk for hours about stupid stuff, and when we cuddle he like holds me so tight and holds my face (it sounds weird but it is perfect) and I just feel super safe and protected with him. I feel like I am the most lucky girl, and I am scared because I didn't do anything to deserve this at all which means that I don't deserve it and something bad is going to happen to put me in my place. What if he stops liking me randomly and doesn't say anything and dumps me like the guy before him? I feel like he wouldn't do that but what if he does? He said he could see himself with me long term, and he was like "I know it is fast but when you know you know" and I feel the same way, that was just the week before last he said that, you don't think he can change his feelings in a week or 2 right? If he did he would say it right? You don't think that not seeing me for 2-3 weeks will make him stop liking me right? He constantly reassures me because he just knows I worry but I'm scared. I know I need to take what he says and listen and trust him but I have been lied to a lot and I'm just worried! It's so annoying I wish I could just turn it off.
neveragain34 Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I've told you before, these thoughts are not normal and you will never be able to turn them off until you go through some sort of counseling. Something happened to you in life (sexual or physical abuse, neglect, abandonment, etc) that makes you worry like this. Until you deal with whatever it is that happened, you will never be in a healthy, satisfying relationship. 1
normal person Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Your worrying and panicking might actually be thing that turns him off, if anything. So I would suggest you try and stop by thinking about it that way. I know that if I lost him I wouldn't find another guy like him, he doesn't care about sex he doesn't pressure me. I can just lay with him and talk for hours about stupid stuff, and when we cuddle he like holds me so tight and holds my face (it sounds weird but it is perfect) and I just feel super safe and protected with him. No, you don't know that. There are plenty of guys who are like this.
Treasa Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 People get jobs and get busy all the time. The best way to make sure your boyfriend is still happy with you and wants to be with you is to be happy with your own life, busy with your own life, and super relaxed about what he's doing. No one wants the added stress of constantly reassuring someone else, especially when they have a new job. Go out, have fun, learn some new skills, set some goals for yourself, and let your boyfriend see how calm and happy you are. 2
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 I've told you before, these thoughts are not normal and you will never be able to turn them off until you go through some sort of counseling. Something happened to you in life (sexual or physical abuse, neglect, abandonment, etc) that makes you worry like this. Until you deal with whatever it is that happened, you will never be in a healthy, satisfying relationship. I was never abused I just don't have self confidence I guess idk.
ja123 Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I am scared because I didn't do anything to deserve this at all which means that I don't deserve it and something bad is going to happen to put me in my place. That's the fundamental belief that needs changing. Why wouldn't you deserve it? Breathe through your anxiety and let him hold you. Breathe through your anxiety and accept good things in your life, in the here and now, for what they are. You might want to look at David D. Burns book, "Feeling Good" for help on re-framing unhelpful beliefs. Good luck!
ja123 Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Perhaps you are trying to protect yourself by holding on the belief that something bad will happen: it keeps you from being fully vulnerable because you already know the outcome (in your mind), so you don't enjoy the moment and what is. But so you won't get hurt. It might also be a form of bargaining/superstition: "If I suffer now (because of my fear of losing him), then I've paid the price, and won't lose him." What are your thoughts on those 2 statements above?
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 Perhaps you are trying to protect yourself by holding on the belief that something bad will happen: it keeps you from being fully vulnerable because you already know the outcome (in your mind), so you don't enjoy the moment and what is. But so you won't get hurt. It might also be a form of bargaining/superstition: "If I suffer now (because of my fear of losing him), then I've paid the price, and won't lose him." What are your thoughts on those 2 statements above? I think it is a way of protecting myself. I dated a guy before him who I totally fell super fast for and he randomly dumped me, just out of no where. I was devastated for the longest time (even though I was with him barely a month) now I am with this new guy and everything is amazing and I'm scared because if he breaks my heart I have no idea what I will do. It'll be a million times worse
realisticbound Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I am the biggest worrier in life, I realize it and I hate it. I posted about how my boy has a new job that is going to keep him very busy for the next few weeks which means I likely will not see him much. I am not in a panic mode because what if he stops liking me in that time? I don't want to be annoying and he has said before that he isn't going to stop liking me and he told me not to stop liking him but I am scared! I don't even know why I am scared, I just know I really like him and he is totally different from any guy I have dated. I know that if I lost him I wouldn't find another guy like him, he doesn't care about sex he doesn't pressure me. I can just lay with him and talk for hours about stupid stuff, and when we cuddle he like holds me so tight and holds my face (it sounds weird but it is perfect) and I just feel super safe and protected with him. I feel like I am the most lucky girl, and I am scared because I didn't do anything to deserve this at all which means that I don't deserve it and something bad is going to happen to put me in my place. What if he stops liking me randomly and doesn't say anything and dumps me like the guy before him? I feel like he wouldn't do that but what if he does? He said he could see himself with me long term, and he was like "I know it is fast but when you know you know" and I feel the same way, that was just the week before last he said that, you don't think he can change his feelings in a week or 2 right? If he did he would say it right? You don't think that not seeing me for 2-3 weeks will make him stop liking me right? He constantly reassures me because he just knows I worry but I'm scared. I know I need to take what he says and listen and trust him but I have been lied to a lot and I'm just worried! It's so annoying I wish I could just turn it off. I know everyone keeps telling you to stop over reacting etc But I think you should be cautious with your feelings for a bit. When someone is into you as much as you seem to be into him, they're not THAT busy that they can't make any time within 2 to 3 weeks to see someone...... A quick lunch, really late bit to eat, you can't spend the night at his house, etc. Just my opinion.
ja123 Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Although it may seem like a leap of faith, trust that you are indeed a human being who'll be subject to the ups and downs of life (just like all us other crazy human beings), but that you'll get through come what may. Embrace the uncertainty of life, do not be afraid. Life is about learning and growing, and sometimes that means being subject to some of its unpleasant stuff. We've all had our hearts ripped out, but we're still here, right? It's great to have someone in our lives to love and to be loved by. But, at the end of the day, we still have ourselves. 1
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 I know everyone keeps telling you to stop over reacting etc But I think you should be cautious with your feelings for a bit. When someone is into you as much as you seem to be into him, they're not THAT busy that they can't make any time within 2 to 3 weeks to see someone...... A quick lunch, really late bit to eat, you can't spend the night at his house, etc. Just my opinion. He said he's gonna try next weekend.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Maybe you actually have a lot to worry about?
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 Maybe you actually have a lot to worry about? I know! It freaks me out!
realisticbound Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 He said he's gonna try next weekend. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you. I'm hoping you find some peace and happiness very soon;)
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 I am keeping my fingers crossed for you. I'm hoping you find some peace and happiness very soon;) Thanks )
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 You've got to coach yourself into relaxing and not panicking...you're going to drown yourself in your own thoughts, that just keep going crazy. The bottom line is there is nothing you can do to prevent what this guy will do in the end....nothing. However the more excited/anxious you get, and the more you act insecure and clingy the more or faster you're going to scare this guy away because it's just freaky from a guys perspective...it looks incredibly desperate and nonsensical. You really need to focus on your own life and not make it about this guy, if you can't do that then you're not going to be compatible with this guy and many others, you need to realize also that you're just living in a fantasy with guys you just meet like this, you build it up so you have so much to lose when you really don't know anything yet...and if you come off on the forums like you do in real life then he's likely starting to get the idea that you are just a little crazy...and crazy is scary for guys. This guy does seem to be extraordinarily busy, which is concerning....but your reaction is not to go crazy, it's just to talk to him about it and be patient...see how things pan out and if you feel like he's seeing you often enough or making the effort...maybe his career is more important than you...maybe that's why he's single! because he doesn't have the time or want to make the investment into a relationship. There's so much reality you're going to negate because of this fantasy trip you go on when you meet a new guy you like and since you feel like you won't meet him anyway when you do happen to yet again meet another guy, now you go batshet crazy and start to do what you can not to let him go...which is wrong, wrong, wrong. You will never hold a guy in a relationship like that, you will just push him away. So realize all your actions, insecurities and issues are what's going to push men away...your own behavior, and because of that you don't even have time to realize how compatible you really are. With that being said....two or three weeks is a very long time, I don't see why he would even be dating or seeing someone with that kind of a schedule. I don't think that's going to work for many people, especially you...miss super clingy/paranoid. I understand why you would be concerned, but you're just going though a vicious cycle mentally/psychologically and that you really have to work on...you just met this guy, you have to realize there is no real security in that, but you have to cope and accept what is, because you cannot change it with your paranoia...you need to think about why you react this way and where these emotions really come from....because it's about you, not any man.
ja123 Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 People get jobs and get busy all the time. The best way to make sure your boyfriend is still happy with you and wants to be with you is to be happy with your own life, busy with your own life, and super relaxed about what he's doing. No one wants the added stress of constantly reassuring someone else, especially when they have a new job. Go out, have fun, learn some new skills, set some goals for yourself, and let your boyfriend see how calm and happy you are. ^^ This is a very good game plan. Develop yourself. In this way you are less likely to be off-putting to a mate (and inadvertently sabotage things), as well as developing self-love and esteem (attractive to mates) that will give you more inner strength to face uncertaintly and any pitfall that might arise. In and of itself, it is for you! Find that intrinsic motivation, and you will see that in practicing self-care and development that your fears will greatly subside to be replaced with greater confidence and peace.
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 You've got to coach yourself into relaxing and not panicking...you're going to drown yourself in your own thoughts, that just keep going crazy. The bottom line is there is nothing you can do to prevent what this guy will do in the end....nothing. However the more excited/anxious you get, and the more you act insecure and clingy the more or faster you're going to scare this guy away because it's just freaky from a guys perspective...it looks incredibly desperate and nonsensical. You really need to focus on your own life and not make it about this guy, if you can't do that then you're not going to be compatible with this guy and many others, you need to realize also that you're just living in a fantasy with guys you just meet like this, you build it up so you have so much to lose when you really don't know anything yet...and if you come off on the forums like you do in real life then he's likely starting to get the idea that you are just a little crazy...and crazy is scary for guys. This guy does seem to be extraordinarily busy, which is concerning....but your reaction is not to go crazy, it's just to talk to him about it and be patient...see how things pan out and if you feel like he's seeing you often enough or making the effort...maybe his career is more important than you...maybe that's why he's single! because he doesn't have the time or want to make the investment into a relationship. There's so much reality you're going to negate because of this fantasy trip you go on when you meet a new guy you like and since you feel like you won't meet him anyway when you do happen to yet again meet another guy, now you go batshet crazy and start to do what you can not to let him go...which is wrong, wrong, wrong. You will never hold a guy in a relationship like that, you will just push him away. So realize all your actions, insecurities and issues are what's going to push men away...your own behavior, and because of that you don't even have time to realize how compatible you really are. With that being said....two or three weeks is a very long time, I don't see why he would even be dating or seeing someone with that kind of a schedule. I don't think that's going to work for many people, especially you...miss super clingy/paranoid. I understand why you would be concerned, but you're just going though a vicious cycle mentally/psychologically and that you really have to work on...you just met this guy, you have to realize there is no real security in that, but you have to cope and accept what is, because you cannot change it with your paranoia...you need to think about why you react this way and where these emotions really come from....because it's about you, not any man. You make it seem like it'll never work. He just got this job so I understand the hours will be weird at first, it sucks but I like him a lot and I think I can deal. I think it can work, I'm not getting ahead of myself (I'm trying not to) but I think if I can just chill my mind out it can work.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 You make it seem like it'll never work. He just got this job so I understand the hours will be weird at first, it sucks but I like him a lot and I think I can deal. I think it can work, I'm not getting ahead of myself (I'm trying not to) but I think if I can just chill my mind out it can work. Every woman thinks the way that statement just read above with a guy they like...they always see a possibility or hope some miracle will come in and change everything. Think realistically...you just met this guy, you're seeing him once every 2-3 weeks...did he mention this is just the beginning? I've never worked a job that was just chaotic in the beginning and didn't continue that way or just get even more hectic down the road...so what is it about now that is making him extraordinarily busy and what is it exactly that's going to give him free time in the future? Also how do you really build a solid relationship and companionship for a relationship with a person who is so busy and distracted by his work? he seems overwhelmed if he doesn't even get to see you two to three weeks...do you know anyone in a relationship like that? most people like to reference X to justify X. But even this one is a hard cross-over. Even a solid relationship would struggle with that kind of a time frame...two people that knew each other well and understood each other and their needs and had some trust established already...and yet you're working with a lot of insecurity and he's not able to validate his trust? how long do you think you're going to be able to hold out like this? This sounds like a shotgun diet for an overweight person who thinks this diet will work this time...it'll get easier after the first month and I'll be fine after that If I can just make it!...2 days later...nom nom nom donuts...nom nom nom chips. I agree and stated you should calm down on the panic, but if you've got a plan as to how this is going to work, then i'd be happy to hear it. I'm just merely state the fact (which women tend to hate and perceive as critical and negative even if it's just the truth).
ja123 Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Also look at it from his perspective: starting a new job can be scary. Perhaps he needs your additional support (and yes that means being chill as well), without his having to find extra emotional energy to quell your fears and then find enough energy left over to transition into a new job. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Also look at it from his perspective: starting a new job can be scary. Perhaps he needs your additional support (and yes that means being chill as well), without his having to find extra emotional energy to quell your fears and then find enough energy left over to transition into a new job. Keep in mind it takes about six months to really start to get settled in and comfortable with a new job.
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 Every woman thinks the way that statement just read above with a guy they like...they always see a possibility or hope some miracle will come in and change everything. Think realistically...you just met this guy, you're seeing him once every 2-3 weeks...did he mention this is just the beginning? I've never worked a job that was just chaotic in the beginning and didn't continue that way or just get even more hectic down the road...so what is it about now that is making him extraordinarily busy and what is it exactly that's going to give him free time in the future? Also how do you really build a solid relationship and companionship for a relationship with a person who is so busy and distracted by his work? he seems overwhelmed if he doesn't even get to see you two to three weeks...do you know anyone in a relationship like that? most people like to reference X to justify X. But even this one is a hard cross-over. Even a solid relationship would struggle with that kind of a time frame...two people that knew each other well and understood each other and their needs and had some trust established already...and yet you're working with a lot of insecurity and he's not able to validate his trust? how long do you think you're going to be able to hold out like this? This sounds like a shotgun diet for an overweight person who thinks this diet will work this time...it'll get easier after the first month and I'll be fine after that If I can just make it!...2 days later...nom nom nom donuts...nom nom nom chips. I agree and stated you should calm down on the panic, but if you've got a plan as to how this is going to work, then i'd be happy to hear it. I'm just merely state the fact (which women tend to hate and perceive as critical and negative even if it's just the truth). We have been talking about 2-3 months actually face to face 1 month. Before he started his new job we saw each other every week and even a few times a week. He just started and I can't explain exactly what he does but he said it'll settle down in about 3 weeks. I just don't think it is as bad as you make it sound. It isn't like we are totally no contact, we text he calls me we Skype I mean he is trying but even if I have to wait 2 more weeks I guess it's not that big of a deal, the way I look at it is if he was in the military I would be seeing him once or twice a month maybe? If military women can make it work I'm sure I can too.
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