What Do 35-45-Year-Old Men Want?

[carhill]

Since I was marriage and children-minded during that age range, and married for part of it, I'll answer your questions below:

 

The problem: I don't want a much older man. I want someone who can grow old *with* me, not way before me. I'm looking for a youthful 35-45-year-old (I'm a youthful 35).

 

That sounds healthy to me. One caveat I've come to find instructive is that health can be transitory and not necessarily relevant to age or lifestyle. I experienced enough of this during that age period to see it as relevant. Fortunately, my health has been good and I feel lucky at age 53 that it is/has been. I view a potential life partner similar to you.

 

 

Unfortunately, the men who are actually what I'm looking for (single, no kids, wants kids, balances going out with staying in) don't seem to be interested.

 

I can empathize. I married one of the few childless women I had ever met; perhaps the only one if memory serves. Very few single women in that age group existed in my area; essentially none in my immediate area. My exW lived ~60 miles away when we met.

 

What do you want?!

 

At the time, my personal goal was to be married and have a family. I was the child of an 'older' couple (43/37 when I was born) and found the experience to be positive.

 

If you *are* attracted to a woman, what keeps you from sharing your interest?

 

Generally, the only thing which kept me mum was a wedding ring or direct statements of being in a relationship. I got into trouble in a couple of cases where no ring was worn and/or no expression of commitment was given, initially. Those were good lessons.

 

What do *we* need to do?

 

For myself, it was simple. Be transparent about being single. I ran into a lot of 'ambiguous' situations during that period, prior to meeting my exW. Being demonstrably single doesn't lessen a person nor brand them a 'target'. It's a state of existence. I'm single right now; have been since my divorce. It's reality.

 

How can we tell if you really are interested?

 

We ask you on specific 'dates' and show an interest in your life/interests/passions/experiences, in addition to showing signs of emotional and physical affection. We discern between such affections and sexual behaviors, which may be on our mind. There's a balance which is synergistic, if the interaction is healthy for the two potential partners.

 

Why is it that all of the guys who seem perfect online won't contact me or return my messages, even if those messages are of genuine interest in what they had to say?

 

They gave you their answer. I call this, variously, 'electrons' and/or 'keyboard romeo'. Until there is 'pressing flesh', meaning real life face-to-face encounters and positive feelings from those encounters which impel more encounters (dates), I personally don't assign significant meaning to anything which goes on online.

 

As a disclaimer, I dated, both domestically and internationally, back when online dating was one fuzzy picture which took forever to download, along with some text. Even with thousands of miles separating, pressing flesh was the goal; to get to know the person in real life and develop real life rapport and connection, or determine that the association was not synergistic and move on. Online was merely a method of meeting, not prosecuting a relationship.

 

IMO, you'll find a relationship/marriage -minded man to be clear about what he wants, who he is, and very deliberate in prosecuting such interactions. There will be no ambiguity. What remains is whether you find such a man to be attractive to you, individually and as a function of his behavior. In that journey I wish you well.

[mesmerized]

For single/never married/no kids/successful men, 35-45 is the golden age of dating. They are the male equivalent of thin, pretty 25-30 year old women: Everyone want one.

 

The problem you're having is simply that there is lots and lots of competition for these guys.

 

So the question for you is: What do you have to offer a guy who has his pick of pretty much any woman he wants?

 

I don't want a guy in that age range, they don't look good. And I sure don't believe everyone is looking for mid/late twenties woman.

 

I think you're still hungover.

[Barnacle-Bob]

As has previously been stated, if a guy is over 35 and has no kids, most of the time, that ship ship has sailed. A guy who has effectively been a bachelor for life is probably not real big on being straddled with dependents. Once they get to the 45 year mark, some of these guys do settle down. It's pretty common in my area....guys work on their careers, being successful, and its a fun city with a ton of beautiful women, and its tough to turn that spigot off. But then a lot of these guys, when they hit their late 40s, they decide they want kids. Therefore, the parks in my neighborhood are filled with 10 year old kids and their almost 60 year old dads trying to play with them.

 

Anyway, unfortunately for you, most 'family material' guys in that age range were already snatched up and have families. I am 38, and a very young 38, I look young, lot of energy, lot of passions and love to explore the world. I also have 3 young kids and an ex.

 

Cracking the code of the childless 35-45 year old is going to be tough for you, mainly because there's really no code. Them going through that much of their lives without settling down and starting a family almost explicitly screams 'I don't want that!'.

[outsidethebox]

It's not really an option. It's a religious as well as social choice.

 

Regarding what they're looking for, I only contact men whose requirements I match. This well is not dry in my area. Very few of the profiles I check are men looking for someone in their 20s. Please keep that in mind with future replies to stay on topic.

 

well, we know the men will need to be looking for a disciplinarian.

[phineas]

 

 

For myself, it was simple. Be transparent about being single. I ran into a lot of 'ambiguous' situations during that period, prior to meeting my exW. Being demonstrably single doesn't lessen a person nor brand them a 'target'. It's a state of existence. I'm single right now; have been since my divorce. It's reality.

 

 

 

 

I'd like to comment on this.

 

A LOT of women I know in my age group consider themselves single & even if you ask one of their friends their called single, however they all have some on/off thing with at least one guy or they always have some guy with them when they go out buying their drinks, putting his arm around them and acting like they are together.

 

But she's supposedly single. lul wat?

 

Single means you don't have half a dozen guys on speed dial for when you don't want to be alone.

[RedRobin]

I'd like to comment on this.

 

A LOT of women I know in my age group consider themselves single & even if you ask one of their friends their called single, however they all have some on/off thing with at least one guy or they always have some guy with them when they go out buying their drinks, putting his arm around them and acting like they are together.

 

But she's supposedly single. lul wat?

 

Single means you don't have half a dozen guys on speed dial for when you don't want to be alone.

 

For once, we agree.... lol

[carhill]

Relevant to the 'demonstrably single' aspect, some signs would be:

 

1. Available by phone (voice) or in person on traditional 'date' nights like Friday and Saturday.

 

2. Consistency regarding contact. No 'disappearing without notice' acts if one is in the 'getting to know' process, aka dating.

 

3. Transparent about friends/activities. This occurs in casual conversation. Example, should I be having a casual conversation with a lady I'm interested in today, I might tell her, in a funny way, that my best friend's wife trapped a possum in cat cage and was bringing it out here to release it and I was heading into town later for some BBQ and am making a dessert right now for it. Normal life stuff. True for today. Incorporating aspects of one's life into interactions with the person one is getting to know, even if they aren't directly involved.

 

3. Focus on real-life, in-person interactions. Texts and chats are nice, but 'get to know' is the same as how relationships go, in person and real. Present an aura of 'I want to get to know you better in person, doing things/interacting in ways we both enjoy.

 

I've found that people who are generally ambiguous about such aspects and trending to the 'virtual' rather than real don't really want what I want, meaning the real. The aspects vary from person to person but IMO the overall 'feel' should be 'I'm out there and I'm single and interested in getting to know you'.

[Geiss]

Wow, never knew I was in such high demand.

 

I didn't know I was in high demand either.

[iris219]

For single/never married/no kids/successful men, 35-45 is the golden age of dating. They are the male equivalent of thin, pretty 25-30 year old women: Everyone want one.

 

The problem you're having is simply that there is lots and lots of competition for these guys.

 

So the question for you is: What do you have to offer a guy who has his pick of pretty much any woman he wants?

 

Really? Just about every man I meet over 28 has kids.

 

It is going to be very difficult to find a man between 35-45 who 1. doesn't have children and 2. wants children.

 

For the most part, the very few at this age who don't have kids don't have them because they either don't want them or because they are so flawed they haven't been able to sustain a relationship long enough to have kids with anyone.

 

If you find a good man between 35-45 who doesn't have kids, who wants kids, and who also wants a relationship (and who isn't crazy), please let me know; these men are rare species and I'd like to hear that they exist.

 

I'd say in the age range you're looking for, a divorced man is going to be your best bet. The ones I meet are relationship oriented and eager to get in a LTR. And many are great guys who simply married the wrong person. IME, the never married ones are not looking for anything serious or have lots wrong with them.

[xxoo]

If you find a good man between 35-45 who doesn't have kids, who wants kids, and who also wants a relationship (and who isn't crazy), please let me know; these men are rare species and I'd like to hear that they exist.

 

I've known 3. All were left by their wife (one of the wives came out as a lesbian ) after waiting years for her to be ready to start a family.

 

All were a far too accommodating, but in no way bad husbands.

[Geiss]

Really? Just about every man I meet over 28 has kids.

 

It is going to be very difficult to find a man between 35-45 who 1. doesn't have children and 2. wants children.

 

For the most part, the very few at this age who don't have kids don't have them because they either don't want them or because they are so flawed they haven't been able to sustain a relationship long enough to have kids with anyone.

 

If you find a good man between 35-45 who doesn't have kids, who wants kids, and who also wants a relationship (and who isn't crazy), please let me know; these men are rare species and I'd like to hear that they exist.

 

I'd say in the age range you're looking for, a divorced man is going to be your best bet. The ones I meet are relationship oriented and eager to get in a LTR. And many are great guys who simply married the wrong person. IME, the never married ones are not looking for anything serious or have lots wrong with them.

 

They exist.

[Barnacle-Bob]

They exist.

 

Yup....and so do winning lottery tickets. Good luck getting your hands on one.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Really? Just about every man I meet over 28 has kids.

 

It is going to be very difficult to find a man between 35-45 who 1. doesn't have children and 2. wants children.

 

For the most part, the very few at this age who don't have kids don't have them because they either don't want them or because they are so flawed they haven't been able to sustain a relationship long enough to have kids with anyone.

 

If you find a good man between 35-45 who doesn't have kids, who wants kids, and who also wants a relationship (and who isn't crazy), please let me know; these men are rare species and I'd like to hear that they exist.

 

I'd say in the age range you're looking for, a divorced man is going to be your best bet. The ones I meet are relationship oriented and eager to get in a LTR. And many are great guys who simply married the wrong person. IME, the never married ones are not looking for anything serious or have lots wrong with them.

 

Haha what? Where are you from? I'm from New York City. It's VERY common to find guys well into their 30s that don't have kids and have never been married that are perfectly sane individuals.

[StanMusial]

Really? Just about every man I meet over 28 has kids.

 

It is going to be very difficult to find a man between 35-45 who 1. doesn't have children and 2. wants children.

 

For the most part, the very few at this age who don't have kids don't have them because they either don't want them or because they are so flawed they haven't been able to sustain a relationship long enough to have kids with anyone.

 

If you find a good man between 35-45 who doesn't have kids, who wants kids, and who also wants a relationship (and who isn't crazy), please let me know; these men are rare species and I'd like to hear that they exist.

 

Well that pretty much describes me. I'll flip the scenario though and say that I never meet women in my age range who:

 

 

1. Are childless
   
2. Are single
   
3. Never married/ no baggage
   

[RedRobin]

Well that pretty much describes me. I'll flip the scenario though and say that I never meet women in my age range who:

 

 

1. Are childless
   
2. Are single
   
3. Never married/ no baggage
   

 

Everyone has 'baggage' of some kind.

 

Every.one.

[StanMusial]

Everyone has 'baggage' of some kind.

 

Every.one.

 

 

Fair enough. Let me rephrase, "manageable baggage".

[jma500]

Really? Just about every man I meet over 28 has kids.

 

It is going to be very difficult to find a man between 35-45 who 1. doesn't have children and 2. wants children.

 

For the most part, the very few at this age who don't have kids don't have them because they either don't want them or because they are so flawed they haven't been able to sustain a relationship long enough to have kids with anyone.

 

If you find a good man between 35-45 who doesn't have kids, who wants kids, and who also wants a relationship (and who isn't crazy), please let me know; these men are rare species and I'd like to hear that they exist.

 

I'd say in the age range you're looking for, a divorced man is going to be your best bet. The ones I meet are relationship oriented and eager to get in a LTR. And many are great guys who simply married the wrong person. IME, the never married ones are not looking for anything serious or have lots wrong with them.

What are you? A shut in? Get out more willya. We definately exist.

[RedRobin]

well... I have a get together planned next week with a guy from a club I'm involved with... he's in this age group (35-45)

 

I happened to see his profile on OkC (I don't have pictures posted so people IRL don't know I'm there). Every once in awhile I come across someone I know IRL. Handy for that!

 

His age range has women up to 18 years younger and two years older than him. I didn't know this when I accepted the outing.

 

So, I don't plan on getting romantically involved with this one. *shrug*

 

Too bad. We seemed to have lots in common. I won't cancel because I already agreed to go and it will probably be a good time. No doubt he'll have fun trying to make me his 'placeholder' like the guy I just dumped.

 

This is one good thing about OLD... you get to see what their REAL preferences are. He doesn't know that I know though. Which is just as well.

[tbf]

What are you? A shut in? Get out more willya. We definately exist.

iris lives in a community where there are very few eligible single/divorced men.

[RedRobin]

Fair enough. Let me rephrase, "manageable baggage".

 

Ok... what makes your 'baggage' more manageable than anyone else's??

[RedRobin]

iris lives in a community where there are very few eligible single/divorced men.

 

I'm in a similar boat.

[tbf]

I'm in a similar boat.

You need to get out of there, if at all possible. There are a ton of eligible men out there, in other areas. As long as you maintain reasonable sized social and work networks, with as many extroverted people as possible, there are a lot of men within the 35 - 45 year old category, looking for quality long-term or life partners.

[RedRobin]

You need to get out of there, if at all possible. There are a ton of eligible men out there, in other areas. As long as you maintain reasonable sized social and work networks, with as many extroverted people as possible, there are a lot of men within the 35 - 45 year old category, looking for quality long-term or life partners.

 

That's what I'm trying to do. Unfortunately, the only places I seem to get job offers are in other po-dunk towns that have worse demographics than here.

 

I'm tempted to just sell everything and pitch my tent in a happnin part of the country or even start my own business if necessary. I've been trying to move out of here (in a smart way) for at least 3-4 years.

[StanMusial]

Ok... what makes your 'baggage' more manageable than anyone else's??

 

No kids, no crazy ex-wife, no debt, stable lifestyle, (relatively) sane family, drug-free and disease-free, clean record except for a few minor traffic infractions, clean bill of health, stable and sane friends, no history of alcohol problems or psychological problems, stable and uninterrupted employment history, all around good reputation so far as I know.

 

I'm not perfect, I know that nobody is, and I'm not asking for perfect.

[RedRobin]

No kids, no crazy ex-wife, no debt, stable lifestyle, (relatively) sane family, drug-free and disease-free, clean record except for a few minor traffic infractions, clean bill of health, stable and sane friends, no history of alcohol problems or psychological problems, stable and uninterrupted employment history, all around good reputation so far as I know.

 

I'm not perfect, I know that nobody is, and I'm not asking for perfect.

 

 

Ok. Well, that sounds more positive and understandable than 'baggage'.

 

I have the same requirements... ie wanting to date men who don't have a criminal record or have bad credit or STDs. Not sure when I'm supposed to find that out... I'm not jumping into bed with random people and crossing my fingers.

 

... but I get told (here at least) that I have 'baggage' simply for expecting those things and for taking measures to make sure I don't end up with guys with that kind of history.

 

Like I'm supposed to take their word for it?? Not likely.