snowfun Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I am waiting for my MW. She is attending counselling with H but not, as she says, to try and work things out but to find out whether they want to work things out, and make a decision about the future based on the outcome. She said that while going through this process we were to have no contact and although that's not strictly been the case we have had far less contact than we have ever had. I've seen her twice, very briefly, in 2 months. A couple of texts a week maybe, and every other week a conversation of reasonable length. That's it. She seems fine with this whereas I am not. I had hoped after 2 months of such limited contact she'd be desperate to see and spend time with me but this doesn't seem to be the case. I haven't noticed much of a change in our relationship when I do speak to her but that concerns me as there has been a big change and she seems unmoved by it. Her relationship with H sounds to me exactly the same as before counselling. They have booked more sessions and she says it will take as long as it takes and she does not want to rush this decision. A lot of the time I feel that this is the best way to now approach the mess we've made (although we're still screwing up by having any contact at all). But sometimes I have these fits of sadness and worry and stress when I perceive the situation not to be going "my way". Childish eh? Do you think my wait is futile? Do you think she's already made up her mind? If so, why keep me in the background? If not, should I just accept the situation and allow her the time and space to do the "right" thing? Or is this whole situation simply a delaying tactic to avoid making any decision at all?
Poppy fields Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 She is keeping you as a back up plan in case things don't work out with her husband. Stop allowing her to do that and move on. If, big if, she ends things with her husband, maybe there will be a chance for you two later. Do not wait in the wings in the interim though. 3
Author snowfun Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 She is keeping you as a back up plan in case things don't work out with her husband. Stop allowing her to do that and move on. If, big if, she ends things with her husband, maybe there will be a chance for you two later. Do not wait in the wings in the interim though. Thanks. Yes, I have thought this before and have said this to her. Her response was that she could see how I might think that. But she says she's doing this in order for the next step, whatever that might be, can be made with no regrets. Depending on my mood I can see some sense in that but right now: back up.
Poppy fields Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Thanks. Yes, I have thought this before and have said this to her. Her response was that she could see how I might think that. But she says she's doing this in order for the next step, whatever that might be, can be made with no regrets. Depending on my mood I can see some sense in that but right now: back up. If she was worried about having no regrets she wouldn't be stringing you along now. The regret she is concerned about having is letting you go and then things not working out with her husband. She is keeping you in reserve as her safety net. How fair is that?
wisernow Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Why are you giving this woman all of your power? In my opinion, you need to man up, dump her fully, and press on with your life. Unless you are fully prepared to sit there and wait for her to call all the shots and keep giving you little tidbits of her time when it fits into her schedule. If you are, then you really need to not whine about it, cause that's what you've signed up for. She is supposedly in MC with her bs, under the guise of making the marriage work, yet she's still contacting you? She sounds lovely. 4
Author snowfun Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 If she was worried about having no regrets she wouldn't be stringing you along now. The regret she is concerned about having is letting you go and then things not working out with her husband. She is keeping you in reserve as her safety net. How fair is that? Yeah, I know you're right. She would also regret leaving her husband and it not working out with me. She really needs to grow some balls. But not literally. That would be horrible. You know when you read posts made by others and think "God, it's so obvious, how can you not see it?"; kind of just had one of those moments reading my own.
Author snowfun Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 Why are you giving this woman all of your power? In my opinion, you need to man up, dump her fully, and press on with your life. Unless you are fully prepared to sit there and wait for her to call all the shots and keep giving you little tidbits of her time when it fits into her schedule. If you are, then you really need to not whine about it, cause that's what you've signed up for. She is supposedly in MC with her bs, under the guise of making the marriage work, yet she's still contacting you? She sounds lovely. That made me angry. In a good way. I need a cigarette.
MissBee Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I am waiting for my MW. She is attending counselling with H but not, as she says, to try and work things out but to find out whether they want to work things out, and make a decision about the future based on the outcome. What? This makes no sense. What is the difference between trying to work things out and finding out if they "want" to work things out? Being in counseling with your spouse means you are trying to work things out...whether it works out in the end or not is one thing, but going is because you're taking steps to work on things. Ultimately you're the third wheel on the outside, while she and her husband attend counseling to figure out what "they" want and then she talks to you once in a while, just in case she doesn't want her marriage or he doesn't want her. It's not a powerful position to be in at all. You in fact are not making decisions "together" as a couple. She is making decisions about you, about the relationship and about her marriage and in counseling her husband is making decision with her, while you are the least powerful player here. Unless of course, you make your own decision to leave the triangle. She said that while going through this process we were to have no contact and although that's not strictly been the case we have had far less contact than we have ever had. I've seen her twice, very briefly, in 2 months. A couple of texts a week maybe, and every other week a conversation of reasonable length. That's it. She seems fine with this whereas I am not. I had hoped after 2 months of such limited contact she'd be desperate to see and spend time with me but this doesn't seem to be the case. I haven't noticed much of a change in our relationship when I do speak to her but that concerns me as there has been a big change and she seems unmoved by it. Her relationship with H sounds to me exactly the same as before counselling. They have booked more sessions and she says it will take as long as it takes and she does not want to rush this decision. It seems pretty obvious that she is making you aware that this will be indefinite, so don't pressure her. And you feel and see for yourself that she seems fine and unmoved while you're having fantasies of her being desperate for you...but you're the one desperate to see her. Shes showing IMO, that she is pulling away from the A, and certainly, at this time, you are way more invested than she is. A lot of the time I feel that this is the best way to now approach the mess we've made (although we're still screwing up by having any contact at all). But sometimes I have these fits of sadness and worry and stress when I perceive the situation not to be going "my way". Childish eh? I don't think it's childish but smart. This isn't some mature, healthy decision you've made as a couple. The couple is she and her husband, who are in counseling, and you're her side boyfriend who is waiting and hoping she wants to see you while she tells you "well don't rush me..." I think your anxieties are coming from a place of intuition and KNOWING this situation isn't going to go well, although you are hoping it does. Do you think my wait is futile? Do you think she's already made up her mind? If so, why keep me in the background? If not, should I just accept the situation and allow her the time and space to do the "right" thing? Or is this whole situation simply a delaying tactic to avoid making any decision at all? I think the wait is futile and must be painful and you've felt for yourself the anxiety, uncertainty and lack of reassurance from her. I think it's a delaying tactic or a let you down gently one. I understand it is not easy to just end things...believe me. Even when you KNOW the truth, you often harbor some hope, so I would give myself a time frame to see if any changes have been made and any move towards being with me is made. I'd say if you want to "wait", give yourself 3 months, and then assess where you are at at the 3 month mark. Then go from there. Responses in bold. 5
RickFox Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 IMO, the chances that she is truly trying to work thru this to be with you is slim to none. Sounds like she's disconnecting from you. My xmw did the same, we had to work on our marriages, yet she still contacted me, then she turned on me, cut me out completely and told me to leave her alone....so much for that one true love huh? I think you're going to be miserable if you allow her to do what she's doing but here's the rub. Once you cut her off, stop talking to her, stop answering her texts, she wll come after you full force. She will tell you how much she loves you and needs you...and blah blah blah... and then when you give in, because if it gets this far, you will give in, you'll be back at square one. My xmw told me that her M was going better but that she didn't know where she'd be in 5 years. I told her that I knew exactly where I wouldn't be. I think MissBee is spot on. 2
Author snowfun Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 Thanks. Some insightful postings up there - much of it bang on. Re disconnecting/pulling away from A - I have thought this; it has sometimes felt like she is gradually drawing away, consciously or not. Maybe she thinks it's easier for me, or her, for it to happen that way. Previously when things have been on the brink I've been a complete wreck but not this time. I feel kind of numb to it all; just this low feeling that never really lifts. Writing this down makes me realise how unhealthy it's become. Except you don't realise it as it's happening. The intuition part is also true. I think I know it's not going to end well. I almost feel ready to accept her choice but I'm afraid of giving up hope and what lies beyond that. I can balance my feelings against the hope it'll all work out and I worry what will happen when the hope is removed. As for waiting... well, I can't see it even continuing another two months. I feel like, I've waited 2.5 years, what's another month? But then am I just delaying the inevitable? etc etc I think it needs to happen and I need to confront it and stop being so wet. Thanks all.
ThatJustHappened Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Pardon my crassness and my harshness but I think you need to hear this. Dude..grow a pair! You sound like a kicked puppy following its abusive owner around. This woman has zero respect for you..she's been selfishly stringing you along for years now and you've been passively letting her. How could this possibly end well for you? Even if you did end up in a relationship with her, you've taught her to expect obedience and passivity from you..are you ok being in a relationship where you have no say in anything? Walk away. If she follows, great..if not..great. But either way you'll have regained your dignity. 3
Catplates Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Eeny Meeny Miny Mo... Should I have hubby or should I have Snow??? Decisions, decisions. Yes she is wasting your time and behaving like a drama queen. If she loved you with all her heart, there would be no question. A fence sitter for sure. Cat 1
Silly_Girl Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Miss Bee, many couples use counselling as part of the separation/divorce process and it sounds extremely civilised and sensible to me. I'm not saying that's automatically the case here but please don't write off such a prospect as it could be very valuable in some instances.
MissBee Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 (edited) Miss Bee, many couples use counselling as part of the separation/divorce process and it sounds extremely civilised and sensible to me. I'm not saying that's automatically the case here but please don't write off such a prospect as it could be very valuable in some instances. Huh? I was not writing off counseling in the process of separation. Snow hasn't said his MW is saying anything about separation or divorce. In the case presented, she is coming off as very evasive and I'm saying that what she told him about they are not in counseling to work it out but to see if they want to work it out, comes off as rubbish. I'm only talking about this case and in the context of all her other behaviors, and am not at all attempting to make a categorical statement about the efficacy of counseling for every married couple in the separation/divorce process. My main point to him was in this situation the least action is directed towards him and their relationship and more is being directed towards her husband, and all she is saying and doing doesn't point to her having an investment in him. IDK if she and her husband will successfully work out, but I do know counseling is an active process she is doing WITH him, while snow is still the third wheel on the outside waiting for her attention as she tells him quite flippantly that it could take quite some time. She seems like a cake-eater and that's my point...not about if couple's can get counseling and still separate/divorce. Edited March 24, 2013 by MissBee 3
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 That made me angry. In a good way. I need a cigarette. Good. Get pissed off. Why sit and wait for her to decide about her marriage? GO ON with your life, distance yourself from her and IF she does divorce, she can come find you later when the D is final and you two can date in a proper way. If you sit and wait, your life is at a stand still!
georgia girl Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Snow, The other posters are right. You're her backup plan. Move on and start healing. That's a win-win for you. You get back to your real life more quickly and can meet someone who is willing to fully commit to you. If, after you've done that, she shows up and says, "Hey, I picked you," then you get to decide if you want her afterall. But at that point, you'll be stronger. Try to get over her. It's in YOUR best interest.
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