Men: Where do you draw the line between affectionate and clingy?

[tuxedo cat]

Give examples of positive forms of affection that will raise your interest in a woman vs. behaviors that go a little too far into clingy territory. I'm really curious to know where people draw that line. Avoid extremes.

[Pyro]

Affection is good in moderation. Too much of it in a short period of time constitutes being clingy. It all depends on the amount.

 

Wish that I could explain it better.

[iKING]

Positive affirmation here and there, holding hands, wanting to be close to you, giving a kiss out of nowhere, being told you're loved/desired by your partner, love notes sometimes, using "we" instead of "I" when discussing future plans, I find things such as this to be cute displays of affection.

 

Getting angry over wanting to hang out with friends occasionally, expecting 24/7 of every day to be devoted to attention to her, refusing to do anything (even if simple) without you, constant need for affirmation of intent, I find things such as this to be clingy behavior.

 

I find most things, even if borderline clingy, to be tolerable within reason. If I can't find a positive motive for the behavior, as-in it turns into controlling behavior (without it being reasonable), is where it may become an issue.

 

There's a fine line between clinging/insecurity, one often doesn't come without the other, and if they're minor, that's fine, but if it gets taken to an extreme to the point of being overbearing, that just becomes tiring.

[ls32ssibm]

Avoid the psycho-jealous girlfriend stereotype and some cling is fine. I just really don't want to be stabbed in my sleep.

[Treasa]

Because a long time ago I used to struggle with these (and I'm avoiding the extremes):

 

-Asking him who the girl he friended on FB is

-Asking how pretty he thinks a girl is

-Getting pouty when he wants to do his own thing

-Asking constantly, "Do you love me/Will you ever want someone else/etc."

 

I could go on, but I'm exhausted and sick. I think anything that indicates that a girl is insecure is probably going to also hit on the clingy scale.

 

This entire thing can be reversed and applied to men.

[Bengal Tiger]

Positive Affection in public: taking my arm when walking if I offer it, sharing food or drinks during a meal, sitting on the same side of the table, sitting on my lap during appropriate situations like on a couch, when something cute happens lean in closer so I can kiss her, etc. Responding to each other's body language and physical cues, like stopping when I pull her hand away from my crotch when in a restaurant.

 

 

in private: anything

 

 

 

Clingy: Sending insecure and possesive messages/calls/questions all day regardless of my willingness to respond. "Do you love me?" "Where are you?" "what are you doing" "Are you with another girl?" "I texted you 20 minutes ago, why didn't you respond?" "Are you mad at me?" "Are you still going to take me out Saturday?" "Can you/I come over now?"(late on a weeknight when we both have work next day) "Do you think I'm pretty?" "Do you just want me for sex/fling?" Making catty comments about my female friends or any other women nearby. Insisting that I hold her hand when I'm trying to do something else. Following me around the club to watch if I interact with anyone else. Showing up uninvited to events where she knows I will be. Calling me from her car outside my apartment without telling me she's there like a stalker. Forbidding me from being friends with females. Holding me back from important things like job interviews because she has some BS issue and needs to be comforted/rescued like an entitled princess.

[carhill]

I recall a line from a song, essentially 'hold on, loosely'. My personal style is one of transparency, which I practiced in my relationships. Whether together or separated, there were small actions of 'us' which were communicated through word or action. I appreciated the same from my partners. Each person's style is different. IMO, defining the line between affectionate and clingy, in general, is next to impossible. Each person defines it for themselves and each of us is different. Based on my personal style, I've found very few women to be 'clingy'. I think this is a two-fold perception, one a reflection of my own style and, two, a reflection of the style of the women I've been involved with. IOW, another man's 'clingy' might be my 'normal', irrespective of the women's personal style. Further, I may be/have been attracted to women who, in general, do not promote a 'clingy' style of interaction.

 

Also, this question just caused me to reflect upon 'appropriateness', which means behavior I might find appropriate and attractive in one person can be 'uncomfortable' in another. An example of the latter might be inappropriate affection and personal interest from the wife of a friend or acquaintance. I've noted that in a few cases. I don't think they meant anything inappropriate but I admit something felt 'off', based on my perceptions, so acknowledge that. Had they not been married to someone else, I might have perceived the interactions differently.

 

Hope that helps.

[Keenly]

To me, there is no "physical" in person behavior that constitutes clingy to me.

 

However, texting "why aren't you talking to, why haven't you responded, hello?" Or one that really REALLY pisses me off is when we didn't make any plans at all, but because.I have the day off she assumes I'm hanging out with her and then proceeds to get mad when I make other plans

 

 

Any sentence that's like "but I thought we were hanging out" is clingy

 

 

Also, "but we only spent four hours together " or "we've only seen eachother twice this week"

[tbf]

When the attention shifts from positive and supportive, to negative and demanding.

[dasein]

Constant calling and texting, rigid expectations of periodic contact during the day and getting upset if one is missed. Expecting more than 1-2 times a week contact during the early months. That's about it as far as clingy IME. Everything else is fine.

[Mme. Chaucer]

This has been posted recently, but IMO it gives the ultimate depictions of "clingy"!

 

Overly Attached Girlfriend

[Treasa]

This has been posted recently, but IMO it gives the ultimate depictions of "clingy"!

 

Overly Attached Girlfriend

 

 

Or just psycho.

[Feelin Frisky]

It's when a woman doesn't realize that she thinks she' doing things for you or giving you things when in reality she develops expectations of how each thing should produce only the grateful reaction she has in mind and then she gets all emotionally contentious when you can't get inside her head and be what she wants--which is often the reactions of another woman. Men aren't frilly expressive types that give a sh+ about the pattern on the shower curtain. Gay dudes and metrosexuals will fuss and say crap like "isn't that wonderful?" or w/e. Insecure women--indeed co-dependent clingy women have little interest of anything of their own and their feelings are entirely tied to the reactions or lack thereof of their male partners making gifts and favors complicated reasons for contentious arguments. Oh how tiresome and annoying that is. And the chief pain in the ass in my past who did this would also make a big show in public of our relationship which I had to ask her to dial down. She was very appealing and sexy and seemed to be what I wanted but I found out about all of these scenarios as part of her personality disorder while I was in therapy after sticking with her nuttiness for too long. We met in school at night in NYC as people trying to finish their college degrees after some years of having dropped out. After we became a couple she would come running up to me in front of our classmates and stick her tongue down my throat. I had a very polished image I was proud of and I thought that behavior was crass and show-offy as if it was to communicate her ownership of me. I'm wa the guy everyone mistook for the professor--stuff like that and then boom, I'm in a position where it made me look like I had no class or couth. Then she had a meltdown even about dialing it down a bit for reason I only gave as me being a "private person".

 

ETA: As our relationship went on my underlying sentiment was "do ya wnna do something nice for me? Well, don't do anything nice for me". It was never for me it was for her getting exactly the stroke she expected and exactly when and how. Who can live up to that?

Edited March 24, 2013 by Feelin Frisky

[DreamFinder]

Clingy to me is coming over every day, wanting to spend every waking moment with me, smothering me so I don't get to spend time with my friends or do my own hobbies, and following me around like at a party or out with friends where she can't bear to be out of my presence.

 

I LOVE affectionate girlfriends because I am very affectionate as well. In fact, I won't be with someone who isn't and doesn't like some PDA. But be secure with yourself, confident, and trust your partner. Otherwise there are some past emotional issues going on and that type of baggage is just not attractive.

[Eggplant]

When I get insecure, I withdraw instead of cling. This behavior is probably equally psycho, lol. My last boyfriend was clingy himself and controlling.