lop98 Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Hi! I started a turbulent relationship with one of my best friends at the beginning of the year. It ended pretty badly, him quitting the 'dream job' he landed 5 years ago and me planning to move overseas and volunteer somewhere for a while. Somewhere in the middle of all the darkness, he got himself a girlfriend, someone he met only 2 weeks ago. That was the last major blow for me, I break down everywhere, want to escape from this place, escape my mind, I can't study (I'm on my last year and have fantastic grades, which have gone down ever since I started this thing with him- first because I was too happy, now because I'm a wreck)... in fact, I want to quit school, which is the only thing I'm hanging from right now. I find it stupid, I keep remembering his face and how he'd seem bothered when I'd study and ignore him, like it was something childish (I'm in my late 20s). Point is, I've never been big on relationships, I liked hanging out for a while, zero compromise, and focusing on myself. Unlike most people, I never get bored being on my own, I used to like what I was doing, have fun doing the things I always liked, write for hours and feeling that sense of pride and accomplishment when you deliver good assignments. This was me only in December. It's all changed now. I feel like I do the most stupid things. Trying to sit down to write and do assignments makes me feel like a loser, I can't concentrate, my eyes fill up with tears when I find myself in the library, knowing this is the life I chose and it's a life in a f***ing library. I just don't like being myself anymore, or being with myself, I know nothing's physically changed, it just seems like the person from 2012 died, or was robbed, and she now only exists.. (as embarrassing as it is to admit it).. with him. I play fantasy scenarios in my head where he shows up and tries to surprise me at the library. But the only thing I truly want is to get my 2012 self back, learn how to be around myself again.. hanging out with friends does help but the moment I'm back home I feel so bothered by my own presence. I'd do anything to get back the emotional freedom and lightness that I felt for the past 3 years. Any advice? books? movies?
The Tallest One Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 lop98, I really feel for you! I know what your saying! I too want to be my old self again! I try and spend a lot of time with family and friends and stay busy so I don't have to be alone much! Just want to be happy again! I try and lean on My faith to get me through this painful period! I also am trying to make new friends but its not easy! Going to the gym in a few minutes and this helps get me out of the house and at least around people plus I feel better afterwards! Maybe use your library to find good self help books to try and get motivation to improve yourself or for motivation! In time you will feel more like yourself, I promise! I'll be thinking of you and hoping your doing better! Take care! 2
Author lop98 Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 Thank you so much for your words, TTO. I renewed my membership at the gym too. It's been okay, I used to feel amazing going in the mornings but now I feel so drained the rest of the day and I noticed the more tired I am, the more negative/sadder I get. So I try to work out during the night, which usually results in me rushing to the gym after shedding one or too many tears or being at the gym and thinking of revenge. I feel like I'm positively going NUTS. I too hate being on my own.. I irritate myself so much. I feel so insecure and ugly (yeah). I look at the mirror, and remember them (this s*it and his new thing) and I know they're worse looking, and they deserve each other, and I was like the most decent-looking girl he landed in years, and I can do so much better, but does it help? no, because they're still fuc*ing together and I'm still alone in my room looking at myself.. I know it's all so vain but I'm at that point of madness. I hadn't thought of checking out other books at the library, it's funny because my sister recommended that too yesterday, getting out some novel, it'd definitely help getting hooked up on something like that. I'll try to find something tomorrow.
The Tallest One Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Please be kinder to yourself! I know this is easy to say, but it doesn't matter what "they" are up to, all that matters is what YOU are up to! Be patient with yourself, pamper yourself whatever way you can because you deserve it! Try and focus on you, set small daily goals to keep you moving! Call a friend, or grab a good book and go to a coffee shop and read. Sometimes just being out of the house and around other people makes us feel less alone. Take yourself to a movie, I do this a lot and I actually enjoy it, doesn't bother me that I'm alone, stopped caring what others think a long time ago! Be gentle with yourself ok! 2
Amelie1980 Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I feel the same. Most of my friends are in relationships and won't spend weekends with me. I go to work and spend weekends alone. I miss the outgoing happy person I was with places to go when I was with him. 3
Author lop98 Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 (edited) Please be kinder to yourself! I know this is easy to say, but it doesn't matter what "they" are up to, all that matters is what YOU are up to! Be patient with yourself, pamper yourself whatever way you can because you deserve it! Try and focus on you, set small daily goals to keep you moving! Call a friend, or grab a good book and go to a coffee shop and read. Sometimes just being out of the house and around other people makes us feel less alone. Take yourself to a movie, I do this a lot and I actually enjoy it, doesn't bother me that I'm alone, stopped caring what others think a long time ago! Be gentle with yourself ok! Thank you so much <3.. I'm taking your daily goals list to heart and will start writing one right now, I could definitely benefit from a tight 'structure' for my days, I need to be programmed in some way. I've also been going to the movies a lot, not alone yet but I will try it, even though I'm not sure I can bear any more symbols of utter loneliness (such as walking out of the movies alone). I just feel like I'm really losing my mind at the moment.. I went to a picnic with a friend today, felt great, then he dropped me off at the station, and while waiting I felt this scary emptiness, like when you know this storm full of emotions is breaking into your head, the worst part is that I can't even cry anymore, I feel like I'm at a true bottom where the only energy left is for catching full breath (which is hard), very much like the time I experienced the death of the woman that raised me, the pain is so settled in I often wish someone or some accident would cause me physical pain to channel the energy elsewhere, and this is obviously combined with the gigantic wound in my ego, all of my friends were 'hmmm' 'he's fun right?' upon seeing him, saying he looked crazy, saying he looked 'interesting' (when I know that's synonym for funny-looking, which is.. bad-looking), telling me not to get too attached, then I showed them pictures of this girl he's dating and they laughed (and so did I).. so.. WTF. My lack of humility is obviously playing a big role in the deep shock I am.. this feels like the ultimate blow to my self-esteem, being rejected and mocked at by two people I would have NEVER, in better years, paid any attention to. How could I be so needy and dumb as to welcome such trash into my brain, VIP pass and all. I'm not a religious person at all but I'm also considering finding a place (a church maybe) where, by some miracle, I can find forgiveness.. for myself, and accept everyday I was with him as some alternative, wacky road to something 'good'.. right now it's too much of a mystery why in the hell did I allow this to happen in the first place. Edited March 25, 2013 by lop98
The Tallest One Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Lop98, I think it's very natural for our egos to take a big hit after rejection! As far as understanding the whys and how's of the relationship and what was the point, well I don't think we always get answers! It's a waste of mental energy focussing on those things! Usually when we experience trials in life, it's to help us lean about ourselves and grow! Also remember that heartache is always temporary and passes in time. I also like to google subjects that pertain to how I'm feeling, like anything to do with heartache, loneliness, depression, letting go, etc! There's a lot of good information and advice out there that can be helpful! Hope this week will bring you some peace and joy, even if its just a little! 1
Panda87 Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Hi lop98, just remember you are not alone we all here for you. We all going through the same thing, i feel same as you. I want the old me back, the old me that used to feel happy to just stay at home, watching movies alone, eating alone. But trust me, it does get better. I work together with my ex, everyday i need to see her. At beginning, the pain is crucial. Now after 4 months, it does get better, i cant lie its a long road to go but you will get there. Just want to move forward, never look back anymore. I believe you can get through this like we all did, believe in yourself like i do believe in you. 1
Infomercials Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 I feel much the same way. I can't be alone, so I'm staying with my parents for now. I'm trying to hang out with friends as much as possible, but most of them have jobs/relationships of their own, and they don't have a ton of time for me. I used to really enjoy time alone. Just time to read, take a bubble bath, watch Netflix or something. Now, I just play this neverending cycle of "what did I do wrong, why does he need space from me, does he still love me, what is he doing right now?" in my head. Now, my situation is driving me crazy because he might come back. He's said he needs space to think about what he really wants in life, etc. I know that, in some ways, my anxiety definitely gave him pause. I know I was too dependent, etc. There's a definite chance that he may come back, but there's a chance that he won't, too. Because of this, I know I need to move on assuming he won't. The thing is, I need to figure out who I am. I don't remember who I am without him. I used to be a fun person. I've never been terribly outgoing, but I could make friends pretty easily. I became so wrapped up in the relationship that I lost myself, and I really don't know how to find myself again. Seriously, I feel your pain.
coralie Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 I really relate to this as well. I actually had many years before meeting this current ex where I was single and definitely ok with being alone. I enjoyed my carefree life and had a good social life with friends and acquaintances. I also made the classic mistake of making my ex my entire world and letting everything else fall to the wayside. He became my happiness, and it changed the way I relate to the world and to myself. I don't know how to get myself back. I know I have to work on me and work on being happy again on my own. Just not quite sure how. My few closest friends from childhood don't live anywhere near me, and my other good friends who live in this city had all gotten married over the past several years. Some have kids and they just really don't have time for me anymore it seems. So I really do need to make some new friends if I want to have a normal social life again. I'm just not motivated to get out there yet. The pain is too fresh still. I guess I'm not really sure who I am either anymore like Infomercials said above, and I don't really know what will make me happy either. It's gonna be a lot of trial and error for me to figure it out and get there I think.
The Tallest One Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 For me I'm trying hard to just get her out of my head and let go! I want to feel ok being single even though right now it sucks! I miss someone making me feel special! I want to stop missing her and really move on! I want to feel joy again and actually look forward to things! I know we will all get there and that its a process! We have to be patient and in the meantime be gentle with ourselves because we're still hurting and grieving a loss we didn't choose!
Author lop98 Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 Being still is a no-no for me, I just know that if I overstay in bed I'll have a bad day, and this is what happened this morning, I was this close of sending him 'I miss you'.. even ended up reading his last 'I love you' and a bunch of articles on why men rebound the way he did (). I got out of bed immediately and went to take a shower but too late, I now feel this knot in my stomach and a headache, and this intoxicating sadness and frustration over the series of mistakes we both did.. This is probably stupid but something that worked a little for me last night was stalking another guy I used to be into.. I'm not even sure it worked, while looking at his pictures it made me miss the way things were so light and fun with him, but I went to bed forcing his image in my mind and slept fine.. until somewhere in the night, my own mind switched me back to heartbreak and I ended up having a bunch of silly dreams..
The Tallest One Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 One thing I have learned is that when I'm laying in bed, if I start to dwell on her, I need to get up out of bed and get moving! When were moving around, getting breakfast or doing dishes or even going for a walk, it helps to get our Mind going on other things. The "executive" part of our brain that decides to go to work in stead of staying in bed all day is also the part of our brain that can tell us to put thoughts of our ex aside for a while and focus on other things! We have to discipline our minds and not let them keep us "stuck" in the past! This is very important. We have to make a daily, or even hourly effort to keep moving forward! We have a life to live and things will only get better by pushing ourselves! 1
misswillow Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I am another one who is kind of lost now without my ex. I made him my whole life, which I actually believe was one factor that led to our demise. Now what do I do with myself? I only have one unmarried friend in my area and I can't spend all of my free time with her! I'm not even quite sure how to make new friends. I am, however, planning a spa weekend with my friend in a couple of weeks. It will be pricey, but I feel like I deserve some pampering and relaxation right now. And it gives me something to look forward to.
The Tallest One Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 misswillow, you deserve a little pampering even if its a little pricey! It will be a good stress reliever as well! I too made my ex my whole world and I should of known better! It's normal to feel lost, we're left with a huge void and its a struggle to try and fill it! We don't quite feel normal at the moment, so much to get used to being single again! Just remember that it gets a little easier as each day passes! Sometimes we take a step forward and two back, but the key is to always be moving forward! You feel lousy, depressed, alone, scared and maybe anxious at times, and this is normal! Give yourself time, we all heal at different paces as well! Set daily goals, this will help keep you busy which you need to do! I'm looking in to joining some kind of club, maybe a diving club, something to learn and meet people doing! Be gentle on yourself and keep posting!
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