Ending while still in love

[Mycatsnuggles]

I know we have to end. How do you stop when your still in love with each other? We still have the incredible crave to be together. He doesn't want to stop and neither do I but we have to. Does it make it better to end when your still in love, still have these wonderful warm feelings for each other. Is this a better way to stop then being dumped, being, outed?

 

I am wondering has anybody voluntarily ended their affair not because of a d day or because one of the partners wanted to stop but because you knew it was best to end now when your still in love. How did you stop, phone call, in person, were you able to just stop, and did it make the memories of your time together sweeter? Knowing this person is still out there with warm wonderful feelings of you even if you cannot be together?

 

Day 4 nc

[Minnie09]

No, you probably won't stop before you get caught. This is my experience. You are too addicted to the high of the affair. It's a cheater's character to cheat, and has nothing to do with what's on the outside. For this reason, it's ingrained in you to always look for that high, kind of like a drug addiction, and as soon as there's an opportunity and a willing participant, you'll jump at the opportunity. A brief NC means nothing. It's just a flash in the pan based on guilty thoughts or what's considered socially acceptable, which is not to engage in an A. But it won't last. You'll be "in love" with your AP as long as you're safe, meaning there's not been a DDay. Because that's where you want to be, and nobody makes you choose yet. Even if you do get caught, you'll be back in the A as soon as there's an opportunity, you feel safe again and you are not afraid to get caught. Endless cycle of what can I get away with for how long.

[psm04]

I know we have to end. How do you stop when your still in love with each other? We still have the incredible crave to be together. He doesn't want to stop and neither do I but we have to. Does it make it better to end when your still in love, still have these wonderful warm feelings for each other. Is this a better way to stop then being dumped, being, outed?

 

I am wondering has anybody voluntarily ended their affair not because of a d day or because one of the partners wanted to stop but because you knew it was best to end now when your still in love. How did you stop, phone call, in person, were you able to just stop, and did it make the memories of your time together sweeter? Knowing this person is still out there with warm wonderful feelings of you even if you cannot be together?

 

Day 4 nc

 

Hi, I probably could have written this post myself! We've just had a few days of NC, and I ended it when things were 'good'. Now, we've had like 20 NC attempts before this one, so it took a long time. The thing that helped me was realizing that no matter what the feelings were, and how much we talked/connected, the situations remained the same - we could never be together. It was pure torture for me.

 

You have to want to end it in order to be successful. I don't think that you have to wait until d-day or something bad like that in order to succeed at this, but you definitely have to want it and know that it is the best thing to do for YOU.

 

I am definitely not over him, even with the NC, but that's ok. I'll have memories of us. Keep reading the posts on here. They are really helpful for me. Good luck :-)

[chaser0195]

It is possible to end it on good terms but in the back of your mind you will still have that desire and pull to be together. To end it and make it stick, one of you will have to really want a true end and follow through. That means no "Just checking in phone calls" or " lunch with a friend" because that will reignite the flame again. I would do it either through a letter or phone call. THis way you can say what needs to be said and not have to hear him beg and reason with you. If you do it trough a phone call and he starts trying to change your mind you could say something like I'm sorry but its for the best and then say I got to go and then hang up and block his number. If you do it in person you will see his hurt and that might stop you from sticking to your decision. Best of luck:)

[AnotherRound]

I know we have to end. How do you stop when your still in love with each other? We still have the incredible crave to be together. He doesn't want to stop and neither do I but we have to. Does it make it better to end when your still in love, still have these wonderful warm feelings for each other. Is this a better way to stop then being dumped, being, outed?

 

I am wondering has anybody voluntarily ended their affair not because of a d day or because one of the partners wanted to stop but because you knew it was best to end now when your still in love. How did you stop, phone call, in person, were you able to just stop, and did it make the memories of your time together sweeter? Knowing this person is still out there with warm wonderful feelings of you even if you cannot be together?

 

Day 4 nc

 

I stopped the affair with my exMM , of my own accord, and against his wishes. We were still very much in love when I ended it. I ended it bc it wasn't healthy for me anymore - not the way it was set up. His now exW was aware of me - I was never a secret to her, so there wasn't a chance of a dday per se, so that wasn't a fear of ours. Although we weren't sure of how her behaviors would be bc she was inappropriate with the children at times regarding our relationship - so we definitely tried to avoid conflict with her for the sake of the children (she seemed to want them to be right in the middle of it, I think she saw it as a safety for her).

 

We went LC for a while as he became adjusted to the idea that we weren't together any longer - and then NC (all my choice) about 2 months in, and at 5 months in, he was dating someone new. I ended it over the phone with him - I probably should have done it in person, but I was just to the point that my own well being was taking precedence at the time.

 

I think that he had some anger at me bc I ended it - and he didn't understand why as it wasn't him that was the reason necessarily - but his fake marriage that I couldn't choke down any longer. And he was hurt bc we were in love - and that had never wavered.

 

I don't know if it actually made our time together sweeter, but it seems like it might be better to go out when it's on a high then to wait and see if it hits a low that makes it end. ExMM and I have not had any animosity between us - and that could be bc it didn't end with an argument or disagreement or whatever.

 

Why exactly did you feel the need to end it? Each of you?

[psm04]

 

Why exactly did you feel the need to end it? Each of you?

 

Oh gosh, there are so many reasons, now that I think about it. Hope this isn't thread-jacking the original post. These aren't listed in the order of priority, btw.

 

-neither one of us is single

-as far as the A was concerned, I gave more to it than he did, in terms of availability etc, which in the end made me feel even worse. I mean, I am also married and had just as many risks that I needed to take

-I know that he would never leave his current situation, and if he does, I don't want him doing it for me. I want him to do it for himself.

-The A kept me from working on the actual issues within myself.

-I couldn't stand the fact that he isn't mine, and I didn't want to keep torturing myself

-I love him, and I don't want to be in the same boat a year from now, in anguish. I can handle my memories of him, but I can't do the daily interactions.

-None of it was fair to my H, who is truly more than what I deserve. He is a great person

-If in fact I'm not supposed to stay in my M, I don't want the A clouding my judgement on that.

 

I'm sure there are plenty more reasons, but these are just some. I think I need to write an entire list with details, and go back and read it every time I feel like breaking NC.

[Catplates]

I got very weary of all the sneaking around and the problems.

 

The A was blowing itself out when I ended it.

 

I don't think I loved him any more and I didn't want to be in the same position for any longer.

 

It's very difficult to go NC when you are in the highly intense phase of the A.

 

I hear it can be done though.

 

Cat

[Sarabi]

He was nasty to me:eek:

 

I wasn't expecting it

 

He told me never to contact him again

 

So I kept quiet...

 

I cried I didn't know how long it would take for the pain to go away how could a man who loves me say those things about me?

 

We kept quiet...then...

 

10 days after he imposed NC...he contacted me...

 

He said he doesn't hate me

He said he didn't want us to end on bad terms

He said he wants to make it up to me...

 

and finally...he told me he still loves me...

 

AND WITH EACH DAMN TEXT IT FUELS THE WILLPOWER IN ME TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT AND MY FINGERS OFF MY PHONE BECAUSE HE CAN GO TO HELL :mad:

[Sarabi]

I don't think I loved him any more and I didn't want to be in the same position for any longer.

 

I still have feelings for him yes. They will not go away overnight. And yes he said hurtful things to me but well...let me move on. Its his problem, anger and resentment, not mine. Don't know what was brewing in him for so long to write such things to the girl he "loves" but well. He said it...NOT ME.

 

But yeah...this position is tiring, tedious and just...ugh

And as the woman who has no legal obligations towards him or expectations to fill...I don't see why I should be expected to be happy to stick around.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Minnie - are you a BS? I'm sorry if my post hurt you.

 

We have never seperated, we have discussed it in the past, logically. Pros and cons of ending our relationship. I have wanted him to end it because I know if he did it would be over. I am afraid of "saying" I will end it then coming back. Why I would do it on the phone. There is no way I could be near him and not touch him. lol last time we discussed ending it he wiped tears from his eyes, he looked so damn cute. He would never beg, I know him. He would respect my decision and stay away.

 

The pros of ending the relationship outweigh the cons now. I wish it could be different but there are to many barriers between us.

 

I almost want to start a hugh nasty fight, say really mean things and have him say nasty mean things also, anger is so much easier to deal with then hurt. This is going to hurt either way. Look at Sarabi - NC to prove a point!! It is a valid ideal.

[Realist3]

I stopped the affair with my exMM , of my own accord, and against his wishes. We were still very much in love when I ended it. I ended it bc it wasn't healthy for me anymore - not the way it was set up.

 

This was my case too, but it didn't work out as planned.

[whichwayisup]

The pros of ending the relationship outweigh the cons now. I wish it could be different but there are to many barriers between us.

 

I almost want to start a hugh nasty fight, say really mean things and have him say nasty mean things also, anger is so much easier to deal with then hurt. This is going to hurt either way. Look at Sarabi - NC to prove a point!! It is a valid ideal.

Just be honest. That the A is killing you, doing more damage than good, the bad is outweighing the good. Ask him to please respect your wishes and stick to NC so you can grieve and heal, go on with your life. HE has a wife at home, a life with her. Sure it'll hurt him but he KNOWS that the A isn't a forever thing, as do you.

 

I say just do it. Stay strong, go to counseling if you need extra support and strength. Rely on good friends, family and those whom you trust to help you through it all too. Keep busy, try new hobbies, work out etc, anything to keep you distracted.

 

If you want a happier and healthier life, then end it. If you want a man for yourself, start a family, have your own children, END IT. Staying with him, you're wasting precious months, possibly years on someone who is married and isn't looking to leave. You do not want to be the OW in 5 years from now, his life moves on, maybe more kids if he and his wife are young, then you are alone, in an A - Waiting... Sad eh?

[Mycatsnuggles]

Whichway - the affair works well for both of us. We are both married and have unfulfilled needs that are being met by each other, neither of us want to divorce. I have an H and kids, a full life but he fills a need for me. The Cons of the relationship are the risks to our M if we are found out, hurting our "others" has become to big of a risk on both ends.

 

Reading on here how OW fulfill MM's ego, honestly he probably fulfills my ego. I never really thought about this but he is very hot and incredibly romantic both in person and in emails. Why he is hard to give up.

[whichwayisup]

You need to decide what is more important then, the A or your keeping your family intact.

 

If you spent half as much time and energy on your marriage and husband, things could be better at home. You probably DO love your H, but aren't feeling the fireworks and passion, like with what you feel with your MM.

 

Anyway, I wish you strength to stay in NC mode and focus on letting go, grieving and healing.

[AnotherRound]

This was my case too, but it didn't work out as planned.

 

How's that? I didn't have any plan in mind - I just knew I was done. I did predict the ending of their marriage, and within a year they were divorcing - but it wasn't my plan, as I didn't want to be with him any longer for my own reasons. I'm curious as to how yours didn't go as "planned"?

 

And, when you ended it, were you still in love then like the OP asked? I think the OP is interested in hearing from others the outcome when/if they ended it while still in love - not due to falling out of love or an argument or whatever, but ending it while it was still viable.

[Minnie09]

Minnie - are you a BS?l.

 

Yes I used to be, but I know both sides....long story.

 

You're both married, and as long as you have the "in love" feeling, nothing will change. You're both safe....both unwilling to change your families' lives....both no threat to each other in terms of revealing/coming clean. So this will go on FOREVER. I know it's stressful. It's stressful to live a double life, to lie. That's where your desire to end it comes from. But it's not authentic. It's not what you want. Ask yourself what you WANT the most. The answer is not to end it with OM. You're so used to the thrill you would be totally empty if it were gone tomorrow. Where would you get all the attention from? It's all about attention. To feel special. To feel desired. You will be ready to end it if you're found out and your H makes you choose, or if his W finds out, or if he finds another OW, or if you find another OM, or a combination of these. If none of that happens, there's no reason to change anything, and the downsides (losing attention) weigh heavier than the upsides (being loyal, honest). All the statements about possibly hurting somebody etc are half-hearted IMO. I'm sure his W and your H feel the same about not getting all their needs met all the time, and maybe they cheat too, and they use not getting all of their needs met as an excuse just like you do, who knows, but if they don't it's because they are less self-centered, and more mature. Adults. Kudos for not wanting to hurt the mature, less self-centered adults in your lives who take care of the family and make it a priority to live with integrity, but that's just a half-hearted attempt to clean up a mess that's already gone way beyond the remediable. If you really mean it, you do it. It'll hurt because you're losing a lot of attention and passion and excitement. A void will remain, and you know it, and it won't feel good. You'll feel depressed and lonely with nobody to talk to, and if you have somebody to talk to they won't fully understand you. The consequences will be painful either way.

 

Good luck.

[Catplates]

I still have feelings for him yes. They will not go away overnight. And yes he said hurtful things to me but well...let me move on. Its his problem, anger and resentment, not mine. Don't know what was brewing in him for so long to write such things to the girl he "loves" but well. He said it...NOT ME.

 

But yeah...this position is tiring, tedious and just...ugh

And as the woman who has no legal obligations towards him or expectations to fill...I don't see why I should be expected to be happy to stick around.

 

I read what he said to you and that is unacceptable. I do not understand why anybody would even consider such abuse... love or not.

Guess I HAVE accepted that when I was much younger, but would not dream of doing it now.

 

There is no good reason for you to hang around.

[stevie_23]

Yes I used to be, but I know both sides....long story.

 

You're both married, and as long as you have the "in love" feeling, nothing will change. You're both safe....both unwilling to change your families' lives....both no threat to each other in terms of revealing/coming clean. So this will go on FOREVER. I know it's stressful. It's stressful to live a double life, to lie. That's where your desire to end it comes from. But it's not authentic. It's not what you want. Ask yourself what you WANT the most. The answer is not to end it with OM. You're so used to the thrill you would be totally empty if it were gone tomorrow. Where would you get all the attention from? It's all about attention. To feel special. To feel desired. You will be ready to end it if you're found out and your H makes you choose, or if his W finds out, or if he finds another OW, or if you find another OM, or a combination of these. If none of that happens, there's no reason to change anything, and the downsides (losing attention) weigh heavier than the upsides (being loyal, honest). All the statements about possibly hurting somebody etc are half-hearted IMO. I'm sure his W and your H feel the same about not getting all their needs met all the time, and maybe they cheat too, and they use not getting all of their needs met as an excuse just like you do, who knows, but if they don't it's because they are less self-centered, and more mature. Adults. Kudos for not wanting to hurt the mature, less self-centered adults in your lives who take care of the family and make it a priority to live with integrity, but that's just a half-hearted attempt to clean up a mess that's already gone way beyond the remediable. If you really mean it, you do it. It'll hurt because you're losing a lot of attention and passion and excitement. A void will remain, and you know it, and it won't feel good. You'll feel depressed and lonely with nobody to talk to, and if you have somebody to talk to they won't fully understand you. The consequences will be painful either way.

 

All of this is completely true for me in my own ex-A situation.

 

I would still be in it if my ex-MM hadn't ended it (after the 4th D-day he experienced with his wife). Despite how much stress the constant restrictions on my time with him, the constant fear of losing him (to another D-day) and the constant resentment that I couldn't be the one he was REALLY with, I would still be with him if he hadn't left...it's quite sad.

[psm04]

Yes I used to be, but I know both sides....long story.

 

You're both married, and as long as you have the "in love" feeling, nothing will change. You're both safe....both unwilling to change your families' lives....both no threat to each other in terms of revealing/coming clean. So this will go on FOREVER. I know it's stressful. It's stressful to live a double life, to lie. That's where your desire to end it comes from. But it's not authentic. It's not what you want.

 

This part hits home for me. I can relate to much to it. Neither myself nor the xMM said that we will leave our families to be with each other, but the feelings were getting too intense. It was too painful to have this double life and watch him have his real life with his family. I guess the reason why none of our other attempts at NC succeeded was because it wasn't what I truly wanted. But now, I know that that's what I want, because like you said, this will go on forever, and I'll only feel worse and worse about it.

[thefooloftheyear]

All of this is completely true for me in my own ex-A situation.

 

I would still be in it if my ex-MM hadn't ended it (after the 4th D-day he experienced with his wife). Despite how much stress the constant restrictions on my time with him, the constant fear of losing him (to another D-day) and the constant resentment that I couldn't be the one he was REALLY with, I would still be with him if he hadn't left...it's quite sad.

 

I guess I feel like you cared enough that you always had some hope....That SOMETHING would happen to turn things around. It shows committment.

 

Reading some of these stories really make me sad. People enter into non affair based "normal" relationships every day that dont work out. Then you hear some of these stories that because of circumstances(not falling out of love), cannot materialize.

 

And I know about all of the people that say "its just all good because of the bubble", well I dont necessarily buy into that. It could be that, but it also could be something special, too.

 

Just too sad....

 

TFOY

[Sarabi]

You need to decide what is more important then, the A or your keeping your family intact.

 

If you spent half as much time and energy on your marriage and husband, things could be better at home. You probably DO love your H, but aren't feeling the fireworks and passion, like with what you feel with your MM.

 

Anyway, I wish you strength to stay in NC mode and focus on letting go, grieving and healing.

 

YEAH!!! :) Except...let me put it this way:

 

Dear MM,

You need to decide what is more important-the A or keeping your family intact.

If you spent half as much time and energy on your marriage and wife, things could be better at home. You probably DO love your W but aren't feeling the fireworks and passion, like what you feel with me.

Anyway, I wish you strength in your reconciliation and hope you respect no contact with me to allow me to let go, grieve and heal.

[Realist3]

How's that? I didn't have any plan in mind - I just knew I was done. I did predict the ending of their marriage, and within a year they were divorcing - but it wasn't my plan, as I didn't want to be with him any longer for my own reasons. I'm curious as to how yours didn't go as "planned"?

 

And, when you ended it, were you still in love then like the OP asked? I think the OP is interested in hearing from others the outcome when/if they ended it while still in love - not due to falling out of love or an argument or whatever, but ending it while it was still viable.

 

Yes, I was and love and still am. Like you, for my own reasons(rollercoaster), I felt it was not healthy for me any longer.

 

I'll make this short. Last November I gave a warning that the rollercoaster was wearing on me. Repeated the warning at the end of December. Had a great January, but could see the same thing happening again, so I abruptly ended it at the beginning of Feb., by a long text message. She blew up! That lasted about a week. She promised she would change, and now here we are still going.

 

 

So bottom line I attempted to end it and it didn't.

[AnotherRound]

Yes, I was and love and still am. Like you, for my own reasons(rollercoaster), I felt it was not healthy for me any longer.

 

I'll make this short. Last November I gave a warning that the rollercoaster was wearing on me. Repeated the warning at the end of December. Had a great January, but could see the same thing happening again, so I abruptly ended it at the beginning of Feb., by a long text message. She blew up! That lasted about a week. She promised she would change, and now here we are still going.

 

 

So bottom line I attempted to end it and it didn't.

 

Okay, following you now. It is so hard to end a relationship while still actively in love. It's a whole other ballgame from ending bc your feelings have changed, or there is too much resentment, etc. But, to willingly walk away from someone that you love - well, that takes some serious willpower.

 

My exMM didn't want to let it end either - but I forced it. It wasn't easy, but somehow I was able to do it. Now that the situation is entirely different - I think it could be even harder to walk away if I needed/wanted to (although at this point, I can't see any reason not to pursue it, something just doesn't feel right for me... at least not right now).

[Mycatsnuggles]

Tried to talk and he couldn;t, left wondering now if its even worth the effort. besides what is there to say. My wanting a conversation is really me hoping he can convince me we should stay together. He can. Your right I have to choose this for myself. It doesn't matter why or how, I just have to do it.

 

Feeling sad and frustrated. There cannot be closure in an affair, there is only ending and allowing the real relationship with my H to commence.

Edited March 25, 2013 by Mycatsnuggles
clarification

[psm04]

Tried to talk and he couldn;t, left wondering now if its even worth the effort. besides what is there to say. My wanting a conversation is really me hoping he can convince me we should stay together. He can. Your right I have to choose this for myself. It doesn't matter why or how, I just have to do it.

 

Feeling sad and frustrated. There cannot be closure in an affair, there is only ending and allowing the real relationship with my H to commence.

 

I am sorry about what you are going through. I really can relate. I had the epiphany of 'what's there to say' as well, right before I ended it. I do think that you and I and everyone else in this situation will get better as time goes on. I mean, this HAS to be healthier than the highs and lows and all the mental anguish. It's one of those things where being together hurts, and being apart hurts. You just have to pick which hurt you want. With the former, you will go through the hurt feelings forever, even when you feel so amazing at times. With the latter, you will feel like crap, but eventually, I think it will get better (I am at least hoping that it will!). I also think that the more amicably an A ends, the better it is to find closure and move on. From my experience, you will never find a "right time" to end it. You will never be done with talking. You just have to end it, if you feel conflicted. Good luck. Keep us posted :-)