Losing my best friend

[nectar23]

Well I have been married for 10 years.... I am only 30, so we got married young. But my husband of 10 years just asked for a divorce. He says that he loves me but is not in love with me. And hasn't been in years. I am so confused because he made me feel like we were doing great. We were getting ready to start a family. We were doing everything we possible could to get pregnant this year. And then all of a sudden he drops this on me. He says he needs alone time and space. And that there is no one else. But a week of after asking me for a separation (at first) he created a match.com profile and met someone on there. And now they are in the newly stages of a relationship. And he is getting his own place this coming Wednesday. I am completely devastated and broke. I am at a complete loss of what to do and how to be. I get anxiety attacks on the regular basis and to the point that I get physically sick. I get restless and just so heart broken. I try to talk to my friends but I know they don't truly understand what I am going through as they have never been through one. I am so lonely because i feel like I have no one to talk to and to truly understand what I am feeling. I just don't know how to let him go. I don't know how to move on without him. He has been my constant companion for 10 years and how do I live my life without him? I don't know or want to know what life is like without him. I miss him so much. I miss everything about him. He has truly been my best friend and I just don't know how to let go of my best friend. How do I find the will to carry on when all I want to do is die. I just don't want to feel this pain anymore. It is unbareable at times. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am just so lost, hurt and confused. This morning I woke up to an anxiety attack. And I just don't know how much more I can take.

[Mack05]

Nectar. I feel your pain. With me I wasn't married, but we were together 8 years.

 

The relationship breaks up and then you are 30 and the world seems a very different place. It's that fear which can be so overwhelming. It's like what the hell am I am going to do now!? You go outside and all there seems to be is couples holding hands, or kissing on park benches.

 

A sadness fills your heart that its hard to describe. The rock in your life, your best friend isn't there to hold you up and support you. It feels like you are floating in the water without a life jacket and they are in a boat looking forward, as the boat moves further and further away into the distance.

 

With me, I was the first to enter a serious relationship post college. Everyone stop taking bets on who will get married first. My close friends were all single when I was starting out with my ex partner. Eight years later they are married (or close to it) and I was starting back at square one. Except it even seemed worse than square 1 somehow. No clubbing at the weekends, no hanging out. Their (my friends) focus was on their partners, as it should been.

 

I won't lie. The next few weeks and months will be torture. Emotional hell. You just have to work through these emotions slowly but surely. I promise you one day it will get better. In the mean time its about taking little positive baby steps everyday and overcoming the setbacks and obstacles when they come. You are just starting out on the grief cycle. The first phase is usually shock (google the 5 stages of a relationship grief cycle).

 

You have come to the right place. This website is one of the best on the net IMO. The support may not always be 100% correct (most of us are not professionals) but it's genuine and it's caring. It's like you meet a bunch of new friends you never had before, who touch your life in nothing but a positive way.

 

You have a long tough journey ahead. If you need support you will get it here every single step of the way. You will come out the other end a stronger and better person. That I can promise you.

Edited March 24, 2013 by Mack05

[Mr. Lucky]

And that there is no one else. But a week of after asking me for a separation (at first) he created a match.com profile and met someone on there. And now they are in the newly stages of a relationship.

You have to at least consider that you're not getting the entire timeline and scope of this other relationship. Many spouses don't jump unless they have a place to land and he may have been involved with her - or someone else - for a while. I'm sorry, tough situation to go through...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TailSpin75]

nectar23 - I too feel your pain and am very sorry that you are experiencing what you are. I have read your posts on my thread and feel that our stories share (unfortunately) a lot of similarities.

 

I recall vividly the place you are now - a place I was a few months ago. I know that despite your best efforts - words (written or spoken) are not enough to truly articulate the pain, fear, and suffering that you experience now. As Mack has mentioned this forum is a good place and there are many here who know the depth of your struggle... a knowledge that I hope you can find some comfort in but also know that it does not take away what you feel.

 

There is so much that you will come to learn about yourself in the coming weeks and months. For me... I heard a lot of the advice that you have said that you've been told - by people that may not have the capacity to truly appreciate the pain you are feeling. The first 6 weeks for me was... horrible - I felt a lot of what you've described - the wheels in my head spun, there was so much to try to process, resolve, digest, understand, and accept.

 

I am so sorry that your are having to go through this... it's not fair and it's not easy - but believe me when I say (to echo Mack again) it does get better. Have you considered seeing a therapist?

 

Do you best to know that the feelings, thoughts, moods - will come and go and they will range in their intensity. Nothing you feel is... 'wrong' - it's all part of the process. I knew - from the beginning that the 'situation' is constant - what was ever changing was my feelings and my perspectives. It's an amazing challenging thing to act on what the minds knows is happening and what the heart drives you to want to do. What feels like 'needs' now will in time diminish to 'wants' or 'urges' then eventually evaporate completely.

 

Keep posting nectar23...

[Yasuandio]

Hon, you have to get your anxiety under control. You must get in to see a doctor, preferably a phychiatrist for the panic attacks. I understand this response, as I also have panic disorder - and it doesn't get any better on it's own - it fact, if not treated, it can really get out of control, when you least expect it.

 

I ignored the panic attacks for awhile, and one got really bad, and my heart was beating so fast EMS could not measure my heartbeats or my blood pressure. The hospital, to my surprise, checked me into the cardiac ward for a whole week. I had to go through all these cardiac tests, which were grulling. I had a nitrixe patch on my chest, and they were pumping me with cumidin. I got a thing stuck up my upper leg, into my heart and every test you can imagine. Man, it was so scarey. It turned out I have to stay on blood pressure medicine. And take my panic attack and anxiety meds, no excuses. And listen, I am not that old. I never had high blood pressure in my life - it was always extremely low.

 

Don't mess around with this panic. It is your body talking, and really, screaming at you, help me! There are meds that contol panic - so full blown "out of control" attacks won't happen. You must be evaluated. This is your major concern right now. When you get this under control, you will be able to think straight. Yas

[MsOptimist]

Your situation is very similar to mine (and many others), so know that you are not alone in this situation.

 

I was married for 9.5 years, my divorce was just finalized 6 days ago. 2 months after our 9th anniversary he dropped the bomb on me and within days was online on every dating and casual sex site.

 

The floor felt like it dropped out from under me and I had no control over anything. It hurts like no other and it will hurt for some time yet. You will have to move into acceptance that you cannot save your marriage alone. If he is already checked out and looking for greener grass (and yes, that hurts like hell!!) then you must move through this grief and know that you will be ok on your own.

 

The unknown future scared the hell out of me - but as you move slowly through each phase you will see that it's not so bad. And eventually it's even a little bit exciting to know that you alone control your happiness and can make choices to have a happy future.

 

Keep talking to your friends, even if you don't believe they understand. They can still be there for you for support. I was the first to get married in my group of friends, and here I am one of the first to get divorced. We are still young (I'm 32) and can have bright and happy futures - I know that is hard to believe this very moment, but it is true.

 

Can you start therapy? That was one of the best things I did immediately - my therapist has walked me through each step of the way.

 

Right now focus on you. Take care of yourself - I know it is so very hard to eat and concentrate on work or anything, but just take every day step by step. You will have many bad days ahead, but eventually the bad days won't hurt quite so bad. The sadness and grief of mourning who I thought was my best friend, and the marriage that I thought I had, and the future that I wanted, was the hardest part. I still tear up now and then, but time is healing the wound slowly. I am now living on my own and it's not so bad - actually I quite like it most of the time. It's not nearly as scary as I imagined it in those early days.

 

You WILL come out of this a stronger person - even if you don't believe that yet, repeat it to yourself. And you deserve better than this kind of treatment.

[aMguilts]

Well I have been married for 10 years.... I am only 30, so we got married young. But my husband of 10 years just asked for a divorce. He says that he loves me but is not in love with me. And hasn't been in years. I am so confused because he made me feel like we were doing great. We were getting ready to start a family. We were doing everything we possible could to get pregnant this year. And then all of a sudden he drops this on me. He says he needs alone time and space. And that there is no one else. But a week of after asking me for a separation (at first) he created a match.com profile and met someone on there. And now they are in the newly stages of a relationship. And he is getting his own place this coming Wednesday. I am completely devastated and broke. I am at a complete loss of what to do and how to be. I get anxiety attacks on the regular basis and to the point that I get physically sick. I get restless and just so heart broken. I try to talk to my friends but I know they don't truly understand what I am going through as they have never been through one. I am so lonely because i feel like I have no one to talk to and to truly understand what I am feeling. I just don't know how to let him go. I don't know how to move on without him. He has been my constant companion for 10 years and how do I live my life without him? I don't know or want to know what life is like without him. I miss him so much. I miss everything about him. He has truly been my best friend and I just don't know how to let go of my best friend. How do I find the will to carry on when all I want to do is die. I just don't want to feel this pain anymore. It is unbareable at times. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am just so lost, hurt and confused. This morning I woke up to an anxiety attack. And I just don't know how much more I can take.

 

i know what you are going through

but

i also know that you will be ok, maybe not tomorrow, or next week or maybe even next month

 

but you will be

 

aM

[Shocked Suzie]

Hi hugs and big welcome

 

As said previously on here you do need to try to get your panic attacks under control, go to your GP and explain what you are experiencing... They are scary when they happen hey, but they are quite normal and when they happen just try to calm yourself, it's your body going into over drive! They do reduce overtime and you'll learn how to cope with them.

 

Get as much support from your friends and off here as possible... You will get better and stronger! I'm still very up and down, but can see improvements each day and my low moments don't last so long as they were a few weeks back

 

Big hugs and understand how you are feeling it's the worst feeling ever!! Xxx

[GuyInLimbo]

You'll be fine. But you need to get yourself to a therapist TODAY. Make that call, please. You need a professional who can help you sort through all this.

 

This is a perfect example of what happens to people who make another person their sole focus in life (I'm not criticizing the OP). Putting one's eggs in one basket is a recipe for disaster. That one thing goes away, and what do you have?

 

Once you get through this, you need to find things you are passionate about in life. Discover who you are, what you want, what you like, etc. Be GRATEFUL you guys didn't have kids. Trust me. This will allow for a much cleaner break for you.

 

Keep in mind your STBXH is a douche and emotionally unwell. Anyone who jumps from a marriage, directly to dating (without even yet filing for divorce??) is someone who's going to repeat his mistakes and be unhappy. OTOH, it also sounds like he's been done for a while, so maybe he is prepared to move on. But, that's irrelevant here. The important thing is that you focus 100% on YOU for the time being. I wouldn't even waste your time fighting for him. He's done and gone, as much as that hurts right now.

 

You WILL get through this and a few years down the road, you'll be happy he's out of your life. You will find a better happiness after this!

[Barnacle-Bob]

Wow, that is a crappy situation. So sorry to hear about it.

 

Now, on to the good news....you're only 30 and you guys don't have kids. You might not feel like it right now, but trust me...in a couple of years, you're going to look back on this situation and breathe a gigantic sigh of relief.

 

So, just let yourself go through the process, learn from it, learn about yourself, reflect on who you were in the relationship and what you want out of life now that this is over, and grow. Find yourself and who you are. Not who you were, but who you truly are as a 30 year old woman, and embrace that. The pain and sense of loss WILL pass, and the sooner you dig deep into yourself, the sooner it will pass.

 

A lot of people will recommend doing things to distract yourself, with the idea being that after enough distraction for a long enough time, you'll wake up and be magically all better. I don't know how I feel about that approach. I mean, why not just do a bunch of drugs? Sort of the same thing.

 

There is something very empowering about facing your pain head on. Of course, take up healthy and active pursuits, but don't do them as a sedative...do them because they're good for you. But when that pain comes after you, don't try to hide from it. Face it and beat it.