may_girl Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Why do they say they want to be friends at the break up...and then ignore you weeks after? My ex broke up with me after 4 years at the end of January. He basically left me for someone else after feeling lonely from our LDR. Before we went NC a week after breakup, he said that he agrees that I need time, and he would hate for me to leave his life completely. He said that one day, when I was ready, he would like to stay in touch. So about 7 weeks NC had passed, my feelings completely changed and there were some things I wanted to say to him about agreeing with his decision of our break up. At the time he felt very guilty and I put up a fight but now I think he did the right thing. So I send him a message. I told him that I wanted to talk about some things and that our 4 year relationship deserves more than a harsh ending. I was under the impression that he would reply instantly...but he hasn't...In fact a week later, still nothing. Why? I don't get it. Why say one thing and then go completely the other way? Do dumpers do this? Does it mean he doesn't care anymore? Or is he too scared to talk for some reason? I know he still looks on my facebook despite me unfriending him...so what is going on?
Greenj30 Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 (edited) This is a really good question I am currently going through the same thing. I am curious to hear the answers. I have had multiple talks with my ex about being friends(her idea) and she doesn't talk to me or anything to be honest it hurts. My ex even got upset when I deleted her from facebook. lol Edited March 24, 2013 by Greenj30
soccerrprp Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I think it's a few things. At the early stages of the break-up, there's guilt and the emotional attachment is still fresh, so dumpers say things that are often emotionally charged. So this wanting to be friends is common, but not real...usually. It doesn't necessarily mean the dumper doesn't care anymore, rather, it's too painful to revisit or re-encounter the one you've just dumped. Dumpers are also trying to salvage whatever positive image they may have of themselves by hoping that they're still a good person. How do you do this? By offering friendship. In the end the pain is too much. 3
Damsel in Distress Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I'm sorry he's ignored your message for a week. I know how incredibly frustrating and hurtful it is. I don't understand how they can walk away from a years+ relationship cold turkey! It seems like they must have a cold heart to be in daily contact and then just boom, nothing. No checking in to see how the transition is going, just that's it. When you've loved somebody for years, wouldn't you want to know how they are doing with this sudden bad news you've inflicted on them? I have written some messages, wanting my ex to know that I understand what he has decided to do, and I can see how it makes sense (mine was also a LDR and he now has somebody local). I know he felt really bad about hurting me and I thought it would be helpful for him to know that it's okay and I see how and why it happened. But I didn't send them because I thought, gosh if he wanted to know how I'm feeling he would have contacted me, and he doesn't deserve to know I'm okay with it if he doesn't have the heart to check in and find out for himself. The coldness from somebody who loved me and cared about me last month is so hard to understand. Do they not want to face the pain they caused? Are they consciously thinking that it won't help to check in and debrief? In this case he didn't say, "I think no-contact will be best" - he acted like we would be in contact until he made a decision, and then just cut off all avenues of communication. I think part of it is that before they dump, they've had weeks to months of preparing to do that, so they've had time to close off their heart. They don't dump until they are ready. And we are left blindsided while they are already gone. The experienced people on here who recommend NC will surely say the dumpers are doing us a favor - and having that conversation will not give any more closure than you already have. You know they have left. But as a caring person, I feel like you, May Girl, and feel like somebody who loved you that long would want to check in and see how the process is going, just because they care. 1
Wabisabi Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I'm not sure what's going on with him...sometimes I do wonder the same about dumpers but maybe different reasons with different people? Is it still so important to communicate your thoughts to him? If it is and he's ignoring then maybe you can write him a message...at least you get to tell him what you think now. But you might not get a respond from him...
Author may_girl Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 Thank you for the replies, Damsel in Distress I completely agree with you. How he can shut off just like that I have no clue, maybe it is a self-defense mechanism for him to just ignore me so he doesn't have to face up to what he's done..But no way was I going to contact him to shout at him. It was going to be the opposite! Maybe it is some kind of control thing? I really don't know, it is very frustrating. I feel as though I want to send him another message saying something like I don't want him to be afraid to talk to me but if I've got it wrong and he honestly doesn't want to talk or for me to be a part of his life, then he could at least let me know or something? I don't know what the right thing to do is. I know we'll never work out as a relationship again but it is hard for me to throw away 4 years of him being my best friend and knowing everything about me. I just wish I knew what was going through his stupid head 1
Damsel in Distress Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 May Girl, as strong as the urge is, I really wouldn't contact him. I'm 5 weeks out, and I am having the SAME urges that you are having. Of course I don't want to shout at him or make him feel guilty or anything negative. He told me he hated himself for what he was doing to me. So I just wish he would give me an opportunity to tell him that it's okay and to see that I am okay. But he hasn't given me that opportunity, and if he wanted to know how I'm doing he would have checked in with me. Maybe he's avoiding because he thinks I'm an huge emotional mess from what he's done to me and he doesn't want to face that (and truth is, somtimes I am, lol, but I would never show that to him!). So I completely get your urge to let the relationship end in a softer, civil, mutually okay way. But what they keep saying on here is that NC is the best way to healing, and having another conversation about it is only going to stir up emotions on both sides and set you both back. I could see where it could be painful for him to see you being so nice and understanding about it - it would be sad for him to know that he hurt somebody who is so kind and understanding (Sad, but not a game-changer unfortunately). And even though the reason you want this conversation is to make peace with the breakup, underneath it's still painful, and talking to him will make that pain more acute for you. The best thing for both of you, if you can do it, is to maintain NC. Like I said, as a kind person myself, I don't understand this need to be abrupt, but that's what he's done. I'm at the same spot you are, and struggling with it myself. Replying to you is helping me understand my own situation. Stay strong, May Girl. Hugs. 3
destroyed4sho Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 the reason he has ignored your email could be: 1. he is having a great honeymoon stage with new gf, doesnt want to be dragged down by debbie downer 2. feels guilt and afraid you may ask him something he doesnt want to answer...like ' how could you be a cold turkey after years of being with me?'. 3. is over you, dumped you, feels he is justified and no need to continue this.BU process. 'there is nothing more to talk about. hell, thats life....get over it already!' 2
Author may_girl Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 'Debbie downer' lol, that made me laugh! I know. Unfortunately I just caved in and sent the message. Only because the last one I sent last week ended with 'let me know if and when you're ready to talk', giving him full control which I didn't like. Heck, he could message me in 5 years and be like "yeah I'm ready to talk now!!" which is NOT what I want! So I sent a message, saying something along the lines of I thought there may have been potential to talk about this but if I'm wrong and you don't want to or don't want me in your life I understand. If things have changed let me know but if you ignore this message I'll get the hint and this will be the last. At least then I will know for definite whether there is potential to talk/be in contact. If he ignores the message it has answered my question anyway and I have told him that. I just didn't like how it ended before with him having the option to contact me months down the line. At least now I can ignore future messages without him being like 'but you said we can talk' blah blah. I would like to think I have reached the point of indifference. Imagining him with this new girl no longer upsets me. I think he did us both a favor ending it actually. Hopefully I won't be set back but unfortunately I do feel this is something I need to do. Not expecting a reply as usual...Still baffles me why he was so adamant about us being in each others lives one day and now he is acting as though I didn't exist pretty much!
Amelie1980 Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Mine replied in less than 3 hours and was sickly sweet to me..... I guess that makes him a rarity. 1
Author may_girl Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 I think dumpers tend to go one way or the other..They are either very keen to make up and keep giving breadcrumbs, even though they don't want to go back to you...or they ignore you completely. I don't think I have heard of a dumper who stays middle ground. 1
Sexy Teddy Bear Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 My ex offered friendship to me after she dumped me. I denied it and went NC. A week later (not even) I broke down and contacted her again so I could take her up on the friendship offer. She said no and that she was happy without me in her life. Mind you, this was a 2 year relationship. So that was an unnecessarily cruel thing to say. There are many reasons they do this. I think my ex did it because she felt guilty for hurting me so much already and she felt this offer would hurt less. But then she realized, hey, "I don't care about you anymore" (her exact words). So she figured why should she bother with me if she don't give a damn. Plus she already had another dude lined up so she had no reason to keep me around for emotional reasons. It's cruel, but I guess it's probably for the best. Chances are if they didn't ignore you, you would keep following them around like a lost puppy and waiting for any nibble of attention you can get. You would never heal this way. So yeah, it's for the best. 3
Author may_girl Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 I'm sorry to hear that Teddy. I don't know what goes through their heads, it really is like they become somebody else after you're gone. I think a lot of the time dumpers don't know what they want - especially in our case, they have someone else waiting for them and everything is okay. I get a feeling the girl my boyfriend is with now has an input. She is 4 years older than him so may be manipulating his views. I don't understand why he can't tell me one way or the other though. If he doesn't want to be my friend why isn't he replying? Ignoring me isn't going to solve anything, it just seems very immature.
Wabisabi Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I think dumpers tend to go one way or the other..They are either very keen to make up and keep giving breadcrumbs, even though they don't want to go back to you...or they ignore you completely. I don't think I have heard of a dumper who stays middle ground. I once knew one who sort of stayed in the middle...did not ignore but wasn't that keen either. He talked but super brief and emotionless.
Author may_girl Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 I once knew one who sort of stayed in the middle...did not ignore but wasn't that keen either. He talked but super brief and emotionless. I could imagine that is the worst kind of dumper to be faced with. At least when you're getting ignored, although it is frustrating it is easy to move on. With breadcrumbs I suppose you get the reassurance they are thinking about you. With that kind of dumper above, it really seems clear they don't care at all... 1
Author may_girl Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 So...I got in contact with him and we talked on the phone And he said although he wants to be one day, HE isn't ready to be friends right now, that it was too soon. what??? You dumped me!! and I am ready? It made completely no sense? But we talked for a bit and he ended it by saying something like we won't speak regularly for now but if I wanted to say something I can text him if I'd like. Dumpers are weird and make no sense.
polyglot Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 I think it's a few things. At the early stages of the break-up, there's guilt and the emotional attachment is still fresh, so dumpers say things that are often emotionally charged. So this wanting to be friends is common, but not real...usually. It doesn't necessarily mean the dumper doesn't care anymore, rather, it's too painful to revisit or re-encounter the one you've just dumped. Dumpers are also trying to salvage whatever positive image they may have of themselves by hoping that they're still a good person. How do you do this? By offering friendship. In the end the pain is too much. Dumpers are also trying to salvage whatever positive image they may have of themselves by hoping that they're still a good person. How do you do this? By offering friendship. In the end the pain is too much. A very nice statement - to have a positive image and feel a good person. Then what about the people who were loyal to them for so many years, who loved them so madly? Are they *******s?
ThatJustHappened Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Do you want to keep talking to him because you genuinely want to be friends, or because you want him back?
Am4Real Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Best answer in the thread! Agree wholeheartedly. I think it's a few things. At the early stages of the break-up, there's guilt and the emotional attachment is still fresh, so dumpers say things that are often emotionally charged. So this wanting to be friends is common, but not real...usually. It doesn't necessarily mean the dumper doesn't care anymore, rather, it's too painful to revisit or re-encounter the one you've just dumped. Dumpers are also trying to salvage whatever positive image they may have of themselves by hoping that they're still a good person. How do you do this? By offering friendship. In the end the pain is too much.
Simon Phoenix Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 So...I got in contact with him and we talked on the phone And he said although he wants to be one day, HE isn't ready to be friends right now, that it was too soon. what??? You dumped me!! and I am ready? It made completely no sense? But we talked for a bit and he ended it by saying something like we won't speak regularly for now but if I wanted to say something I can text him if I'd like. Dumpers are weird and make no sense. Are you really? Or are you saying this because it serves as a way to get back with him?
soccerrprp Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Dumpers are also trying to salvage whatever positive image they may have of themselves by hoping that they're still a good person. How do you do this? By offering friendship. In the end the pain is too much. A very nice statement - to have a positive image and feel a good person. Then what about the people who were loyal to them for so many years, who loved them so madly? Are they *******s? No. The "dumper" is making him/herself diminish his/her role in the breakup by convincing themselves that they are not the villains of it. Not a reflection on the dumpee, rather self-soothing to a point for the dumper. This is typical regardless of whether the dumper was, in fact, the reason the relationship did not work out. 2
Author may_girl Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 Do you want to keep talking to him because you genuinely want to be friends, or because you want him back? Are you really? Or are you saying this because it serves as a way to get back with him? I guess this is a common thing to think, but no way do I want him back. Thing is, the way we broke up and the fact he shut me off immediately after break up made it easy for me to get over him. And the things I miss about him aren't relationship related...I think we became more like brother and sister in the end. The thought of being close to him now is weird. I feel ready to make a step forward as I don't think NC suits this circumstance anymore. I feel like I have moved on from that really. On my half anyway. For him? Apparently not. I don't understand why he isn't ready. Can dumpers feel this too? He said he wants to be friends one day but not yet. It is confusing because I assumed dumpers shut off way before the end of the relationship?
flitzanu Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Why do they say they want to be friends at the break up...and then ignore you weeks after? My ex broke up with me after 4 years at the end of January. He basically left me for someone else after feeling lonely from our LDR. Before we went NC a week after breakup, he said that he agrees that I need time, and he would hate for me to leave his life completely. He said that one day, when I was ready, he would like to stay in touch. So about 7 weeks NC had passed, my feelings completely changed and there were some things I wanted to say to him about agreeing with his decision of our break up. At the time he felt very guilty and I put up a fight but now I think he did the right thing. So I send him a message. I told him that I wanted to talk about some things and that our 4 year relationship deserves more than a harsh ending. I was under the impression that he would reply instantly...but he hasn't...In fact a week later, still nothing. Why? I don't get it. Why say one thing and then go completely the other way? Do dumpers do this? Does it mean he doesn't care anymore? Or is he too scared to talk for some reason? I know he still looks on my facebook despite me unfriending him...so what is going on? how is it puzzling? he dumped you, so that means you're no longer in his life and no longer a priority. saying "let's be friends" is easier than "i don't want to deal with you anymore so don't bother calling me".
Simon Phoenix Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I guess this is a common thing to think, but no way do I want him back. Thing is, the way we broke up and the fact he shut me off immediately after break up made it easy for me to get over him. And the things I miss about him aren't relationship related...I think we became more like brother and sister in the end. The thought of being close to him now is weird. I feel ready to make a step forward as I don't think NC suits this circumstance anymore. I feel like I have moved on from that really. On my half anyway. For him? Apparently not. I don't understand why he isn't ready. Can dumpers feel this too? He said he wants to be friends one day but not yet. It is confusing because I assumed dumpers shut off way before the end of the relationship? Not always. And do the reasons really matter? If he doesn't want it he doesn't want it and you have to accept that.
Coping Vortex Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 I think dumpers tend to go one way or the other..They are either very keen to make up and keep giving breadcrumbs, even though they don't want to go back to you...or they ignore you completely. I don't think I have heard of a dumper who stays middle ground. Some do both. Ignore for stretches and then some breadcrumbs and then the cycle repeats. They pull the chain to see if the dog is still there.
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