Stuck In America - The Breakup and the Mess.

[Merin]

J, You're sounding stronger, and even if it's just "talkin" the good game it's good to see you've got your game face on! Ha!

 

Besides beats the crap out of sitting with a box of puff's, eating out of a pizza box and wondering when exactly it was you had your last shower ahem not that i've ACTUALLY done that.... ya know yet! Ha!

 

Well, as for me.... i'm hangin in there ya know? Good God that guy of mine can play the games sooooooo well, at times I really do think i'm crazy! All was fine yesterday, well as "fine" as crazy gets, ya know....

 

So last night didn't hear from him.... i'm like Okay whatever went to bed. Today he starts text messaging my phone and says "I miss you so damn much" i'm like uhhhhh okay? Got about 9 of those messages in a row. So I text him back said ya know it isn't me who is pulling this B.S told him IF I don't do it for him, and I don't make him happy then fine, all okay I tried, so now I will just accept whatever.... I don't even know what he was going on about? blah!

 

So he waits until i'm on my way to the book store to get some book called "I'm okay and your an a**h***" LMAO or something like that..... and calls. He acts like nothing ever happened? Jeezzzz I'm lost you know? He ask me how my days been, blah blah... whatever whatever.... ask's me whats up.... yada yada.... i'm sitting there in traffic wondering what the hell is happening?!

 

Then he says "okay well i've got to get back to work, I'll call you later love you baby" *click*

 

 

 

 

Off to the bookstore for me..... NOW i'm thinking I need a "Your not crazy but he is still an idiot" title?

 

Aaagggghhhhh! What does he want?!

 

When are you going home to see your family?

[mivi]

Jamwinswim, I’ve read thru your story… while I was reading I found myself in each and every word you said in your first message.

I’m glad things are working out for you, you are moving on and all that – this is great. That is a really crappy thing – LOVE, all though the best feeling too at the same time. I’ve been going thru the same s… as you did. However, it’s been on and on and on for me for the last 5 months. I’m lost, confused and feel that this time apart only proved me that I love my ex bf too much to let him go. I realize I need to keep my head up, but I can’t and it’s been as a stone on my neck, pulling me down. I hate to show that I’ve lost control, but I also cannot deny it as I know it’s true. Although I want that person to be happy, I still can’t let it go. I know he loves me, I know he thinks of me, but he’s too far for me to figure things out the way I wish it all was. I can’t get next to him, I can’t get close to him and I can’t get over him. How are you coping with your thoughts? I’m trying to move on, but it feels all fake and I always go backwards, to the reality that I don’t have somebody who I’ve been with for 5 yrs, somebody who’s so close and so dear to me… I would be appreciative for some help!

[netrie]

You are suffering terribly. Have you thought of getting involved in a group support of some kind? Or therapy? It would help. You need to vent and take care of your mind. Yes. Our feelings can feel so cruel and "love" can torment us---or whatever the feeling is really. But you must find support and do not go through this alone. Group support to cry openly to others and talk and heal while you "wait" to see what this girl does. Therapy is costly but group is free, no cost. Also, there is a group called CoDa (co-dependents). The group can support your relationship issues as it is based on just that.

 

When my ex and I were headed towards our breakup: after I took the first "I need space" I started to attend the Coda meetings for as long as it took to get on my feet and listen to others.

 

Take care of you...

 

Netalia

[jamwinswim]

As always, thanks for writing peeps. I really appreciate every view given, whether I like it or not.

 

So far today Ive been okay. I went out last night with a few friends to a couple of bars, but alas all I could think about was her. Played soccer last night, and shes on my mind. Wake up this morning, and the bed is empty with just me in it. Man this is tough. I havent heard from her since Tuesday maybe, and that was just briefly chit chatting. I think now Im prepared for the longer term, as In give her time, wait and see, and try to enjoy what I do have. Of course I miss her dearly, but its a two way thing and the only thing I can do is let time do what it has to do, whether it takes her away from me or brings her back. When I think of the things I miss though, of course I miss the intimate times, but I really miss just her presence and her friendship. For the future, I dont want to look back at this and think "I dont want to get too close, this might hurt again". I put everything, my all into Little L, and now I feel, well I guess I feel cheated and foolish over it. I dont know. Its a confusing time. At least Im doing better now - I think my thought process has matured from a sobbing injured boy to how to deal with the cards youve been dealt. But now Im not as concerned about her spending time elsewhere, or seeing her friends, or.... well maybe a little less about her being with other guys lol - Im letting go and seeing what will happen. Like I said before, its not as if I dont love or care for her, but because I do this is what I have to do.

 

M - Girl, theres no need to be eating out of a pizza box. It has to be ice cream, and Ben and Jerry's at that lol. I havent done that though, Im just fighting to get my appetite back. I just try to keep busy, I can never see myself like some people on here that really are fighting for life because of a break up. I hurt, but I aint gonna let it kill me ya know? Not saying that thats what youre doing, im justa typing my brains out lol. Your boy..... wow. Why do we have to come across the ones that start to lose it? lol. When it comes to us guys, with regards to him calling u on the way to the bookstore, you have to be patient. As a male myself, sometimes we dont have the greatest tact or intelligence to the situation that you ladies have! I guess at least be happy he called to see how your day was, and to be, well friendly i guess? I know it may not be like all serious, but why should every call be about the issues of the relationship right now? Those things, as I know, can pull you down. At least he called and was polite and friendly enough without getting into any arguments (or as me and the ex said, we dont argue, we have discussions lol). Im not sure about his fast exit and clicking off, but eh? no one ever said it would be easy. Who knows what he wants? Well... he is a guy, he does want Azzzzzz...... lol jk.... but ick. I dont know dear, I think he needs to grow up some if this relationship is serious for him. But if you think its coming to an end or over, its better to take control than let him deal you the bad blow. I may not be right, but just giving my 2 cents girlo. I go home 2 weeks today, and im looking forward to it. Ive spoken to my rents a couple times while they've been in Malaysia (thats where they are right now), and they are being supportive, and when I get back my best mate will be back from his vacationing around Southern Europe. It'll be nice to be home, and maybe the English Country air will help me make some decisions in my own life.

 

Mivi - Thanks for the love, always good to hear from peeps out from where I call home. Dont get me wrong, I havent moved on just yet... of course I hope and hold on, but I guess Im just maturing and being headstrong about the situation. I dont think I said this before, but when we were dating I always thought, maybe in a jerk male kind of way, that I wouldnt hurt if we did break up. Boy was I wrong lol. Love is a fantastic thing though, and the journey and the drug is awesome - im just coming down right now, and although I dont take drugs, I guess im just coming off my high. I have the same concerns as you girl - Im scared about how I may feel in the mid to long term, where I might still love this girl so much. Seriously, I thought that she was it for me, and whatever we went through we could work out because we were so similar and saw everything eye to eye. How am I coping?? Wow, what a question. Everything you typed I can relate to. How am I coping with my thoughts..... Geeze I dont know. I act strong. I read something a while back about (and it was suppose to be a sports thing) when you are at your weakest, make it look like your strongest, and when you are strong, make yourself look weak. I guess discard the last bit, but I guess Im just fighting and trying to be busy and positive. Who knows how I may feel ina month or 2, or what may happen for that fact. I guess Im just holding onto faith that their is a plan for us all, and that if she is really meant for me, it will happen. If not.... wow this just hit me, but is she isnt meant for me, then I cant wait to meet who is because I had such an awesome relationship with Little L, and loved her very dearly. If something is suppose to better that, then wow..... I know ill do my part. We'll see. My mum keeps kidding me to meet up with a childhood "friend" when I get home whos now a model. LOL my Mum cracks me up. 5yrs is a lot to be through, and of course it will just take time, whether it is to get you guys back together or to stay apart. I hearing you on the fakeness thing too - how everything feels hollow and that you dont have the confidence to do things without their love in your life (if confidence is the right word). Its like when im playing soccer... I have fun, then I think about her, and I cant find my spark, my passion. Im fighting and I encourage you to keep doing so. Im sure he knows how you feel and everything, so what else can you do. Like my girl Merin2 said, TIME...... just try smiling, if you dont feel like it, and think wow - he's missing out on me. We are all awesome people, and sadly the other peeps dont quite see it. For all our sakes, I hope they all see it sometime. Keep being strong.

 

Netalia, thanks for your words, I appreciate them. At first I thought about it, therapy or something like that, but then I didnt want to do it for 2 reasons:

 

a) I didnt want her to see that she could do that to me (send me to therapy or group),

b) Im a stubborn male, and refuse to let myself do that. I guess you could call it foolish male pride.

 

I think if anything, my friends, typing on here, hearing anonymous reponses have been awesome therapy for me. On here I can vent, and get unbias responses - some harsh, some favorable but all true. But ill tell you what, Ill take a look online for CoDa and see what I think. But im gonna keep being strong, maybe stubborn, and talking on here for now. But thank you,

 

Peeps - thank you all for your support. Keep sending it along, it helps keep me afloat!

[netrie]

J,

 

I don't want you to think that I want you to stop chatting. The therapy is only an option and Coda is a group thing and Ive met some neat people to chat with LIVE in person for free, people who have been what you are going through. But there are lots of ways, healthy ways to connect too besides that route.

 

When my ex and I broke up this year in April I was so devastated that I could not "function" and I got so sick--bronchitis etc. I was so weak, it was awful. I was weak for about 6 weeks. You would think that I had been in a car accident or something similar... Whew! I felt like I was hit by a HUGE powerful energy and I was.

 

I know how you feel. Ive been there. Not about my ex --- but I have been seeing a therapist for 2 months now and it is good for me. I wanted to change "me" and figure out why I am attracting certain people and also to learn more about my past and how my childhood and other traumatic experiences have affected who I am now today as an adult. I dont think we realize how much our upbringing, parents, siblings, first love experiences, pains, hurts etc. and our inner

selves are alive and real and our emotions are so fragile when hurt by someone we love so much. Its as if our heart is ripped out. The pain can actually be detected in a brain scan visibly. Studies have shown this to be true.

 

Whatever you decide I know you can get through this. Don't be bitter and keep on looking for LOVE. It is worth it to have loved and lost than to be bitter and never love at all... Keep on.

 

Smiles,

Netalia

[Merin]

J;) How are ya?!

 

Ugghhh I'm at work, my God isn't it Friday YET?

 

Darn, I was late getting into work today too, crap!

 

Well you know it's crazy how you have better days then others isn't it.... the pizza box... LOL I haven't done that either, and I for real don't care for ice cream... blah, LOL probably why i'm 98lbs uh?

 

The thing with Mr.Military is this..... it is NEVER over, ever. He likes to play games like that and make me think i'm going crazy. He has always maintained that I am the only person he want's and that he wants to get married. See this is where all my confusion comes in.... I can't understand why he says what he says, does what he does and then actually cannot understand why i'm pissed off. Agh!

 

Will it last forever.... Jeez, who knows? If I didn't really love the guy I would've just been out a long time ago. I dunno J, I think i'm crazy at times for still being there, and then I think at times i'm doing the right thing whatever that is

 

Your mom trying to hook you up uh!? LOL go mom go mom it's ya birthday! OMG got to loooovvveeeee your mom!

 

Little L..... she is not all there if she cannot see what an incredible guy you are for real! The kicker here is in time she will..... karma.... omg karma is sooooo mean! LOL

 

Are you going to stay long when you go back home? What are your plans from there?

[jamwinswim]

Evil thoughts are creeping into my head. Evil thoughts such as when am I going to be with someone next? When am I gonna be intimate with someone again? Thoughts such as being intimate with Little L.....GONE! lol. At least on Friday ill be at the bars with a couple friends and her best friend who I met last nite, alas briefly, whos pretty fine..... always nice to have eye candy around lol. JK. Little L was damn good eye candy too. But yeah, now evil thoughts about her being with other guys, and im sure shes getting plenty of attention. Her friends boyf is a baseball player, and so all the people shes hanging out with lately are basically the baseball players, and from personal experience, I think most of those guys are ego ..... well.... they are pricks basically. But what can I do if she wants to put out? Damn ugly thoughts in my head.... Move On, Move On. Or Float On (Modest Mouse). Shes not yours anymore Jamwinswim lol. I hope Karma does kick in, and she does realize one day how decent a guy I am - my friends tell me, my rents, I even told her a few times.... we shall see. I guess it might be last laugh J, but im not that evil or spiteful. GRRRRR time.... time....

 

When I go home its only for a week, well 9 days. I fly out on a Thurs nite, get there Fri morn, then stay till the next Saturday, just in time for my next soccer game. I have no plans yet, just seeing friends and family. I have one friend... well old friend whos in jail and I want to go see him and try and help in any way I can - even if its just being there for him. Hes made a few bad choices in life, wrong crowd, and I just want to see what I can do. Might be nothing, but im sure he'll appreciate it. Otherwise, Ill be with my best mate alot, my parents, and probably at some point one night sit down and just discuss the future in much much depth - maybe not to the extent that we will have an answer, but just .... I dont know just so I can plan. Ive never had to make a plan for myself before, its all been logical - with sports, and college, and little L..... now its J by himself. Home vs. America. Who knows? Right now I plan to be back for Thanksgiving and Xmas too, at home, but my rents and sis want to come to America and vacation for xmas too.... we shall see.

 

Okay mind process is getting better. Although Ive thought about her alot in the past few days, Im not looking at the phone or getting sad over it - I may not be firing off fireworks, but Im dealing with it. Stubbornly...with Pride.... somehow im getting strength. I think all 98llbs of you might be doing the same, dealing with it by being stubborn and with pride. Not a bad thing though, dont get me wrong. Mr Military...... I like that name lol.... just keep being strong. Eventually you'll wake up, and smell the coffee.... whatever the answer maybe, for or against him, and you'll just know. Just keep your chin up, and keep fighting the good fight.

 

Man 3rd page of my post.... Im impressed, and thankful for everyones support. Netalia, thanks for all that good stuff youre telling me. Im kind of curious about how other things in life have influenced me, maybe one day, when I have lots of money lol, i'll find out about it all. Im being strong girl, and im not going to be bitter. Unlike most people, im not bitter, spiteful or hateful towards Little L - love doesnt just go away. But like I said before, Im more accepting of it now, and Im becoming a stronger person for it. Ill keep looking for LOVE - I love that drug.... its my greatest bane having so much love to give and no one to give it too. Little L said once... well more than once that she had never been with anyone (family or friends) that loved her as much as I did. I guess one day she may actually see that again.... but then again maybe not. Alright back to work, Im sure Ill talk with you all in a bit,

 

Im keeping my chin up. So should you all! Much Love for everyone, and Thank You.... a thousand times!

[Merin]

J, since when was it a evil thought to think about being intimate?

 

So damn sad LOL but sometimes I swear that is one of the big reasons me and mr.military can't leave each other alone! Aggggghhhh!!! That part of the realtionship is so great.

 

Friday night, whoohooo for that uh?! LOL YOU had BETTER gettcha self out there and "shake ya ass, watch yourself show me what your working with!" LOL Seriously I hope you have a great time out there J, just chill with your friends, have a few drinks and have a good time;)

[jamwinswim]

3 weeks.

 

Its been 3 weeks today. And a very tough 3 weeks. I woke up this morning and she was on my mind. Of course she is, shes always on my mind. The pain is gone though, because I have let go of her, but I still think of her alot, if that makes sense. I guess Im more accepting and ready to let God's will take hold of this one, and if its meant to be, it will happen, and if not, I will meet something better. But it still hurts. I came into work, and no one was around, and I felt real low and lonely. I went Bowling last night, keeping busy with friends, but I still thought about her. And im sure when I go out tonight, Ill think about her. Its not wrong is it? No, I dont think so. I miss her dearly, but I cant control it now. I just have to wait....... We havent spoken since Tuesday now, and I think if she does call me, I wont answer. Not that I dont want to, but if its important she can leave a msg. Besides, I need to dig deep here, if she does call, I cant just go running to her, that would defeat all the hard work that Ive done so far. Its like another post I read this morning, about this guys girl coming back to him after 2 mths - im not sure what id do but id know id have to take it slowly. And its the same if she calls - if i have plans or i am busy, theres no need to drop everything for her. She doesnt deserve that right now, especially with how ive been treated lately. Of course I want her to see how much this pain hurts, but.... I dont know. We'll see. Absence makes the heart grow stronger, we shall see in this case. Its only been 3 weeks, and it feels like hope is almosrt over, but alot of people on here talk about a month, a couple months, 3 months before something happens. Its been a rollercoaster, but Im starting to steady myself. Typing on here has made me feel alot better though, so my chin is up some.

 

3 weeks. And counting. I will keep learning from this experience. It still upsets me how Ive been treated lately, but this is the path she has choosen. I hope she regrets it (not leaving me, just treating me poorly as a friend) as it will help her become a better person. Theres no need for hate or spite, especially when youve been through alot with a person. We'll see. I'm not waiting though, each day shes losing me a little bit more. I spoke with my mum last night, and shes was all like "just forget about her, shes not worth it" - thanks mum, but like Little L said, love doesnt just go away. We'll see. Im being strong peeps.

 

3 weeks......

[Merin]

Love doesn't just go away.... that's true.

 

Love also shouldn't be such a struggle though, and Love should enhance your life..... sometimes Mom's are right.

 

Keep your head up J;)

[jamwinswim]

A week of no contact.

 

Argh, its killing me now. I wish she'd call. No Im lying.... i dont want her to call if shes not going to be at least friendly. I guess I just really want her to call and be the nice Little L I know. I hope shes not being stubborn and thinking "well he hasnt called me, Im not calling him". Cant win I suppose - if thats her thought process, I mean Im giving her her "space" lol. Sometimes I feel better and good, but today not so much. I think about her everyday, and now the best thing I can do is nothing. Its strange, but when I think about being in a relationship with her again, I realise the things and behavior of myself isnt what needs to change, I think that if she opened her eyes and started to mature/grow up into the college student she is, then things would work out for the better.

 

It still boggles my mind how we could care soo much for each other, and now nothing. I guess thats a huge mystery for all of us that are in break ups, at least not nasty breakups - where how can it all go down to this when you were suppose to care so much about each other. I dont know. And then to act as if she doesnt even care..... idk. This weekend I said to a couple friends its almost as if the past year counted for nothing, as if it was lost/wasted time. To put so much trust and love into something and then to lose it - its like a bad investment cos the return bottomed out. Im not sure what hurts most now - not being with her, or the fact that I fooled myself into thinking she was so perfect only to fall flat on my face. At least im keeping busier now, the tears are gone, and the loss is a little easier to take. I guess my question is what is going to happen now? And if nothing happens and no one talks to each other, will I be able to accept/handle it and move on? I hope so if it comes to that, but then I hope it doesnt come to that. What about you guys n girls that have been in this type of situation before? I dont know - it hurts and its tough.

 

This weekend I went out several times, went to a lot of bars and parties, and met alot of different types of girls, and now im fearful that I might get into something that wont mark up to what I had before. Come On J, stop talking crap. At least Im beginning to look elsewhere, I mean, why not? I was the one forced into this situation, I'm a free man now. Might as well enjoy it. Im still fighting the good fight, and being patient and giving her her space. But wow.... a week has killed me so far. My goal is to make it through to when I go home and until I get back. But who knows what will happen if shes calls.... if I will answer.... Merin, I wish she'd open her eyes.

 

Keep supporting me, and if this post has helped any of you guys out there, then at least this isnt all in vain. Thanks.

[Merin]

J, Not so great of a day today uh? Well, as you know it happens...

 

You know I wish for you that she would call but like you, I also know that if she isn't willing to do anything different than what she has been doing then it really is for the best that she not.

 

Don't look at this relationship as having been time wasted... because it didn't return what you had hoped for from it doesn't mean that one it wasn't real and two that you didn't get any kind of return on it... because you've learned... about yourself and really even learned about L and what she might have been capable of later on down the road you know?

 

I'm happy that you're getting out with friends.... you know it really is okay to met other girls J, and it doesn't have to mean anything... there is not another relationship or girl that could be just like what you had with L but maybe that isn't a bad thing because I would never want you to met another girl that you feel so hurt over and confused about.

 

People you met don't need to be Mrs. Right or even Mrs. Right Now... but if they take your mind off things even for an hour, then no harm done.

 

J, I still maintain that you're an awesome person and you know what, L doesn't need time to see that or figure that out... L needs to figure out what she wants to be when she grows up.

 

You'll be okay

[jamwinswim]

Ill be home soon....sweet home cooking MMMMM!

 

Anyways, I just read someone elses post, and it kind of struck me. If she cares at all, or has ever cared about me, then she'll get in contact with me in her own time. If she is so heartless and this meant nothing to her, then why worry about her calling? Why would I want a person like that in my life? Think of it this way - if I met a new person at a social event that was a complete azzhole, then I wouldnt want to associate with them. And its kinda the same again - if she doesnt care for me, or have any feelings about our previous relationship, then I cant force her to change - its the path she has chosen, and she risked losing me by doing this. Maybe she'll realize, maybe she'll think that not being with me is what makes her most happy. Only time will tell I suppose. Its like one of my friends said - J, there are loads of people that want to hang out with you and value your time. Dont waste it on someone that doesnt appreciate you. My heart might be hurting, and it will have its scars, but I'm healing...... and slowly moving on from her. The ball has been, will be, and will probably stay in her court.

 

M - how are things with you? I hope you had a good weekend and all. I wouldnt say the prev yr has been a waste, just feels a little different now. At least I commited to it, and will learn from this experience. Its a shame to lose something that you think is special, but it is a two way thing, and obviously it isn't mutual from her end. Cant force her to love me or want me.... and well it sucks. Will I catch her if she falls? Would I take her back if she came? I dont know to be honest, and I dont know if i'll even get that opportunity. But why worry about something I cant control.... easier said then done.

 

Just need to keep being positive, and being busy. And get a good grasp of things for myself as I am the most important thing to me now. And helping other people with similar experiences to my own. I'll keep trying though. We shall see. Tiempo.

[Merin]

Originally posted by jamwinswim

 

 

Just need to keep being positive, and being busy. And get a good grasp of things for myself as I am the most important thing to me now. And helping other people with similar experiences to my own. I'll keep trying though. We shall see. Tiempo.

 

 

Tiempo indeed... You are so headed in the right direction J. You've got a good head on your shoulders, a stong sense of self, a good heart, good friends, an awesome family... and Tiempo.

 

I'm doing well, thank you for asking;)

 

Hang in there J... home is around the corner.

[jamwinswim]

Well the past few days have been real tough for me. The week of NC has been okay... I was tough at first, didnt really think about it, but then the past couple of days - ick. All Ive thought about is why hasnt she called etc etc, or she doesnt care. I needed to get that rubbish out of my mind. I guess at the end of the day, I want this relationship back - this much I know. And I know I cant do it by sitting here and initiating NC. I mean put it this way, NC is making it easier for her to forget about me, and making it easier for me to forget about her. And I dont want to do this. Has she treated me like crap recently? Yes, but it shouldnt stop me. People have been saying youve got to be positive around her, and show her that youre happy. Well we're in a position where we're not gonna see each other at all, neither of us are gonna see how we are. And also, if im any friend at all, Im not gonna bail on her now. She may have treated me like crap, but the good friends, whatever the circumstance, stick through it.

 

So I picked up the phone. And I smiled... I thought good thoughts, and just left a pleasant msg - Hi L its J, I just wanted to see how you were doing, hope work and school are going well for you, hopefully I'll talk to you soon. Bye Bye.

 

No pressure, just left a message. Is it a good thing or bad thing? It depends on the circumstance. I can see how NC can and cannot work, but one week has been enough for me. At least this has made clear that neither of us have been stubborn, as someone initiated the call. Now if she replies or not..... thats a whole other issue. The ball is in her court now, officially. And if we do talk or hang out, I'm gonna be happy - not just to be with her, but because I am happy. There is no need to push her away or pressure her now, I agree with everything she has said. She needs space, she needs to find out what she wants in life, and that is OKAY with me. In fact Im great with that, Im glad that she has taken control of something she wants to get sorted. And if shes confused, and being mean, I'll stand by her like a good friend if she wants it, and if not, then that is okay too. You see, I think I have to agree with everything she has said now. If you want to win somebody back, the worst thing you can do is disagree with them. Never do it!

 

For all of us.... their negative feelings towards us will weaken rapidly, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.

 

You have put the white flag up.

 

You've thrown your gun down.

 

That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.

 

Have I done the right thing in calling? Who knows? I swallowed my pride, and my stubborness to call. If she calls back, then great, if not, then great. But this isnt a time to let pride get in the way. Im over what has happened in the past and how I have hurt, its now time to work towards the future, whatever it may be. Im not going to close any doors, and Im not letting my pride / stubborness get in the way either.

 

NC.... use it at your peril. Its okay at times, but not for prolonged periods. It helps clear minds, but dont make it permanant or be stubborn over it. We shall see what happens, but I will be happy doing it.

[grojas1986]

Dude,

your not too bad off. at least your ex calls you. it will be a cold day in hell before my recent one calls me.

[jamwinswim]

lol she hasnt called in over a week. but i'll admit, it is a better position than some, maybe most. She hasnt called back though from earlier, but she is working

[Urban Rubble01]

Hey man. Sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you don't think this is rude, but I'll ask anyway. I'm in a situation that is alot like yours, though I am only 6 days in. If you get a chance do you think you could skim my thread and see if you've got any advice (it's in the 2nd chances forum, called "Questions on a 3 year relationship...) ? No pressure, I don't know if you're up for it, I just need all the help I can get. Sorry to barge in on your thread like this.

 

Keep strong man. I was reading your thread and it was like someone had gotten into my brain and posted how I felt. It sounds sick, but it's comforting to know there are other people out there that have felt like this. You've invested a year, I've invested 3, I can't imagine that someone would spend that amount of time with someone and not want to work it out. We just have to hope that our women are everything we thought they were before this happened.

[jamwinswim]

one of my friends emailed me from back home. I just wanted to share this, food for thought:

 

Whatever anyone says to you and whatever advice you're given on the road out of this situation, remember one thing, the love of a friend is a very special thing and no matter the miles between true friends, that love never dies.

 

[Globrazil]

I THINK THAT SHE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!! I'M PRETTY SURE!!!!!

[jamwinswim]

lol. I thought about it... and I cant even see how she could of been whilst we were dating. We were always together in the evenings, even till the end. Now if shes doing something else lately, then what can I do about it. Shes single, Im single, it doesnt really contemplate cheating if youre not dating. But as for her cheating whilst we were dating, nah, its almost impossible. I would almost say I'd be impressed if she could of pulled it off.

[jamwinswim]

Hey all.

 

The past few days have been interesting for a few reasons. Towards the front end of last week, I was getting weak - Not speaking to her, not being in touch, thinking about her - I had it bad. So like I said, I called her, and left her a message, and left it at that. No harm done, no stubborness between us. She called me back on the Thursday night, and of course I was excited. Thing was, I was with one of my buddies, hanging out playing some ps2, and he said:

 

"Dont answer it. Make her wait on you for once".

 

So I left it to ring. Ring. Ring. Stop. You have 1 new voice mail. So i left it for a little while, and was telling him how much I wanted to answer it, and listen to the msg, and call her back. But he told me "look buddy, you're busy with friends, you shouldn't drop everything for her, its not as if you're dating. If she cares for you, make her wait and sweat it out for once (as I told him that during our relationship i'd always get back in touch with her pretty quickly when I missed her call, usually asap) and make her wonder what you are upto for once". So I left it, and checked the voice mail a little bit later - she was just telling me she was doing okay, work was good, school was getting better, and that just to call her anytime. That was that, and me and my buddy went to a local bar.

 

And then I got a shot of confidence to the arm. So here I was at this bar, drinking a few brewski's, and generally in a not so amazing mood, wishing I had spoken with Little L, when I saw this girl I had a few classes with back in college (we graduated at the same time). I went to go and speak with her, and she was looking pretty good I'll admit.... talking about work and stuff. Now we knew who each other were, but it wasn't as if we hung out at school together much. And then the conversation changed direction somewhat -

 

Sgirl: So are you still dating that one girl? (i didnt even know she knew I was seeing anyone)

J: No not anymore.

Sgirl: So you're single?

J: Yeah I'm single (feeling brave), how about yourself?

Sgirl: yeah, I'm VERY single (headlights blaring at me)

J: Well do you want to hang out this weekend.....

 

and basically I got her number, and talked on and off for the rest of the night whilst mingling with other friends that were there. But I tell you what.... My ego, my confidence.... I felt amazing. I hadn't felt that good in a long time, to have a girl want to get to know me or to even feel that good about myself. Everytime I saw Sgirl for the rest of the night, we were smiling at each other, and she kept saying "come back and see me". And as we said our goodbyes, I told her I'd call her on Friday, and she told me that she was having dinner with her mother, but to call her anyways. And I left the bar with my buddy, and for the first time in a long time, I was on Cloud 9, I was floating. And a part of me just wanted to call Little L and tell her how happy I was - but I didnt, it was late, and I just wanted to keep this feeling for myself for a little while.

 

Well I called Sgirl on Friday, left a message, and didnt hear from her till Saturday afternoon. At the same time, I didnt speak with Little L either. Friday night I went out with my buddy and his girlfriend and some of his friends to another bar and just generally enjoyed myself. Well Sgirl called me back on Saturday afternoon, and we spoke for about 45mins, which was pretty awesome. We just talked about everything and anything, about me going to England, about her going to Denmark for a vacation soon, about work, about life.... just having fun and talking and talking and talking. Sadly though, she wanted to continue the conversation longer, but she had to get ready to babysit for her neighbors, and we left it at that, promising that we would find a chance to hang out with each other before I went home to England.

 

Floating again, feeling good about myself, I decided that this was a good time to call Little L. Not because I wanted to tell her about this girl, or rub it in her face or anything, but because I was really happy and wanted to show her that. Also I thought she would be at work and I could just leave a msg. Well, low and behold, she was at work, but she was on a break and sounded excited to hear from me. The point here isnt that i wanted to rub it in my ex's face, but I wanted to show her how happy I was - and I think it shocked her. She was like "yeah I called on Thursday, did you get my msg?" and I was like "well I was busy, I was at the bars (which I was)" and she was all "Im really happy to hear that youre happy" but you could tell by the tone of her voice that it wasnt very convincing. Did I tell her about the other girl? No, there was no need. But I did show her that I was truly happy, I even said " I havent been this happy in a long time". Its not as if Ive even done anything with this other girl, but having someone else interested in me has given my ego a huge boost.

 

Now lots of questions kind of enter my mind. Does she even care that Im so happy? Was she really that surprised? I dont know, who knows, who cares lol. Does it scare her that shes losing her grip over me? Well its not as if she knows about the other girl yet. Thing is, I might have to see Little L tonight, because I need to borrow something from her, an adaptor to take to England with me, and I proposed to her that Id give her my football ticket for this weekend so I could have hers in the future to take someone with me (the closest hint I had given her that there might be someone else). See, I want to see her, but I dont want to go into long conversation about things or anything like that because nothing would get sorted I guess. No need to beat to death the past. I dont know... I want to know how she is and all, but at the same time if she doesnt care enough to get me involved with her as a friend, then what position am I in to care for her? Of course I care for her - I dont know, just like I told a work colleague this morning its messy. But she said "just focus on S-girl for now" lol. But it would be nice to show Little L how happy I am right now without her.... well at least when I'm talking to S-girl. We'll see. Also I dont want to seem too pushy with S-girl cos my schedule is so busy between now and Thursday when I leave for England, but I would love to see her.

 

I guess the main thing Im beginning to see now is that there is light after what has happened. Do I still care for Little L? Of course. But things with her are going to need time, or at least till she lets down her defences and wants me back in her life to some extent, if at all. If she doesnt, then its a shame she would stoop that low to keep someone out of her life, but I cant stop her. It almost "high school" to do that, but..... well I'll leave that comment at that. So i just wanted to update people on what has been happening with me, and where I stand. Advice as always is appreciated.

[Merin]

*Applause*

 

LOL! See J, I told you... YOU are a awesome person!

 

It sounds like you're doing pretty darn well, and I'm proud of you for taking some initative where this other girl is concerned... again, she need not be Miss Right... (could turn out that way, who knows) but at least you took a small step in talking to someone new... who thinks you're awesome (because you are)

 

I also think it was very classy of you not to rub this in the ex's face (right now ha!) and I think... not wait I KNOW your friend was right in telling you not to answer that call right then... whoo hoo for you J, you showed restraint!

 

Don't stress or worry over what may come of this new person.... just enjoy her company and see what happens.

[jamwinswim]

Well I saw Little L this evening. I was gonna go and give her my football ticket (so i could have hers in the future), and then I also needed to borrow a power converter so I could take it to England. I took my time, I made her wait, and then I finally went over.

 

Before I went into her house, I smiled, thought about talking with Sgirl (like I did earlier in the evening) and basically had a big smile on my face. I was happy and felt happy. I went into her house, and she hugged me right away... close, but I broke it off first. Her mom was around too, so I just started talking to her about going to England, how my life has been going - work and soccer, and basically was being real perky and happy about it the whole time. After a little chit chat, her mom left us to talk. We talked, but it was general chit chat to begin with, and she started talking about Church, and getting baptized again. At this point, I would have usually said something in the past, just adding my 2 cents, but to be honest, I just told her how awesome that was, kept smiling and just agreed with her. Then she was saying how at church on sunday, the pastor was talking about repenting your sins (basically sex for her) and how she was going to get baptized so she could repent her sins, and that her and her friend were going to do it together. I just nodded, told her that was cool, but it wasnt too much fun to hear, that having sex (and sex with me) in the past was a sin, but if this is what she has decided, than so be it. I wasnt going to argue or disagree with her, I just told her that was cool. I just kept agreeing with her, and SMILED the whole time. A big smile too. After a bit more chit chatting, she asked me about how I was doing and if I had any news. I told her I was awesome, and that some stuff had been happening but nothing major. She questioned me again, and I told her that I met S-girl......

 

Now I didnt mean this as a rub it in your face kind of thing, but she asked, and to be honest, if just talking with S-girl is making me happy, then why not inform her? I didnt do it in a jerk way, I did it in the most sincere , most professional way I could, where she couldnt hate me for doing it. The look on her face though.... wow.... it was as if she was heart broken. It was like the tables have turned, and she doesnt have control anymore, that Im not going to wait around on her. Thing is, I told her that I'd only met this girl, and that (from signals) we're both pretty interested in each other, and basically how the last week has made me the happiest I had been in a while. She asked me what I meant by in a while, and I explained about how its that meeting a new person happiness, but that I was happy with her before, but that I totally agreed with her for breaking up. I said that there was no point in us both being together if one person was unhappy and the other person (me) only so so because of the recent change in her and the sex bombshell she dropped on me in july time. I told her that I agreed with her for the reasons that we broke up, and glad that it had happened now that I had time to look at the situation. Now, I did this for a reason - By agreeing with her, I was showing her I understood the situation, and that I wouldnt want to get back into that relationship. Secondly, I was taking away any reason to fight with me, or argue.... we were agreeing about everything.... and she was visibly shook.

 

There I was.... telling her I agreed with her for breaking up with me and telling her about a girl I met, and she was shook. She almost said at one point "Are you sure this is the right thing to do" but voice trailed off into "look in the yard" lol. And for the first time, I felt the tide turning. I was going back into control. And I could see that she was visibly shook about mebeing happy without her. She kept saying "im glad youre happy", but not too convincingly. She even said at one stage "im great too....considering"... and then started talking about school and work.

 

Anyways that was the general gist of the conversation, i started to look at my watch, and we left. She said "i hope we spoke before you leave" and I told her I was real busy tomoro and weds night, and that if she wanted to, she could call me. We hugged, but I broke the embrace quickly, and left. As I was driving off though, I could see she was already on her cell phone..... probably calling her best friend, who knows.... and to be honest I didnt really care. It looked like she was upset at what had just happened, especially considering the last time I was weak when i talked to her. This time I was strong, had my *hit together, and told her about a girl.... but in the nicest way. She has no reason to hold it against me, i wasnt spiteful.... the only thing she can "blame" is herself for this position. Im also ready and prepared that she may think shes great by herself, and not affected by all this, and thats OKAY with me. I mean if its like that, then why be together? Its not for the right reasons, and that us being apart is what truly is meant to be. And with this new girl.... its not as if I dont have feelings for L. But im single, and this is helping me get out of the hole. Now will L be jealous?...... now its wait and see. I left her house feeling like my own personal hero. Excited about the future for me, but also intrigued in how L reacts..... one day I may not care how she will react, and that will be the day I would have no more "love" for her. For now.... we shall see. Im single, I have an attractive fun girl interested in me, and I have my ex "controless" and maybe questioning herself. I feel quite good right now.... as good as can be.

[bigacesteve]

I found this forum quite by accident. I have to say it contains the best advice for sorting out a wavering relationship I have ever come across. I have read your posts and the amazingly helpful posts of everyone else out there. You start to lose faith in people as you get a little older but reading this section has restored my faith because there are a lot of people out there who care and try their hardest to help each other throught these very hard times. I can't stress how helpful this has been to me and I hope we all get the happiness we so rightly deserve one day.

 

Last week my gf split up with me; we'll call her L. I do love her to bits and I have missed her greatly since we split. Basically we have been seeing each other for a year and this weekend would have been our 1 year anniversary. Straight away I was ringing her, I was devastated, crying, calling around her house and I tried the emotional psychology thing; you must still love me you said it the other night, how can you do this after all this time, can't we sort this out, etc. You think it's the way to get to her heart but it really doesn't work. I think I'd still be a total mess if I'd not read your posts on this forum. This forum has fixed my head. I read your posts and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's incredible how lonely you feel when you first split with someone. You can be in a crowded bar with all your best mates but you'll feel sooooo alone and all you want to do is go home and rot in bed worrying about what happened? What's she doing? She must want someone else. Why can't we sort this out? What if I'd done this or that? It's a loop that just keeps going on and on in your head and it is just self destructive. The happy, sociable side of you disappears and you turn into a sad, miserable person who like we have discovered will not be very attractive to the ex whatsoever. You have to step back and think to yourself, would I want to be around a miserable person who I made sad that constantly forces their thoughts and ideas onto me whilst crying and pleading for another try? NO. That is not the person they fell in love with in the first place.

 

I have been in this predicament before, about 4 years ago. I was seeing a dream girl who I loved dearly at the time; we'll call her B. Everything was going brilliant and then the bombshell hit. She wanted some space and I did completely the opposite. Everytime I went to see her or spoke to her on the phone, somehow I would start off all nice and then when I didn't get my own way I would be upset. She finally just had enough and would talk to me horribly or would not take my calls. In the end I had to move on and it was the most painful thing ever (I laugh now). A month later I'm out with my friends enjoying myself having a laugh eyeing up a group of stunning women about to strut my funky stuff, she's there in front of me with her back to me watching me in the mirror by the bar. She came straight over to me and asked if we could sort things out. We did try again, numerous times but I have to admit, when it was her and me together I was still the pathetic one, treading on egg shells all the time trying to impress her, do whatever she wanted. It does not work!!! I should have been myself because that was the fella she fell in love with.

 

I go back to what is happening now with my current ex gf. We split up and immediately I start to do exactly the same as what I did before with B. I knew I was doing it but we blokes just don't know what else to do. It's as if it's in the genes or something. Straight away L won't speak to me, hangs up the phone. I am getting nowhere and I feel more and more frustrated that I can't speak to her about the problems. I also see the same pattern happening as with B.

 

I decided to look for help and I found this place and you amazing people. I knew that there had to be a better way of dealing with what is going on. I found your link and read it all; it was like reading my own problems, now and in the past. I read the 'Stop Your Divorce' website and correct me if I'm wrong but talk about plain old common sense but very very wise words.

 

Well I rang my ex last night, I spoke to her and asked about her day. I knew she was at her mums so I asked about her mum. I then asked if she fancied watching a bit of tv for an hour or something because I'm forgetting what she looked like. Just a little joke. She had a think and said YES. She rang me a few minutes before arriving and came in. We sat and listened to some music and I asked her about her day. She told me everything and I asked her more questions about her (nurse) work and we were having a laugh and smiling. I was genuinely smiling and I felt comfortable. She then asked how I was... Instead of bursting into tears and giving the old puppy dog eyes routine I said I'd had a good day and I'd been the gym. She then apologised for the current predicament and I told her she didn't need to. I told her I understood what she was doing and why. She sat bemused and amazed at what she heard. I then told her that we would be fools if we just started where we left off right there and then because she was right, we needed some time and space before even contemplating becoming an item again. The advice I got from you all and Mr Don't Divorce was spot on and as I said it to her I did honestly understand why she was right to do what she did. We blokes want to sort things out in a logical way; right we'll do this and then that, add a little of this and hey presto Shazam!! our relationship is mended. This isn't how a woman wants to mend things. I think women need to see that you are a different person to the one they split with before they will even give you the chance. Because the person they split with is the cause of the problem and a promise from that person to change is not enough. These are my own thoughts by the way, feel free to tell me I'm wrong. But be warned I'm a 6ft 7, 3rd Dan Black belt in Taekwondo and Kickboxing and I train in Thai Boxing. So I'm right.

Anyway. We had a good night, we talked about what we used to do and what we both wanted, which strangely enough was the same things. Then she said it was time to go; she wanted to go the shop before going home. I jokingly said I'd go with her because I needed toothpaste. She said ok then come along. I told her it was a joke but she wanted me to come with her. WOW. We did need toothpaste after all. We did the shopping together and then it was time to go our separate ways. I asked if she still wanted to meet on Sunday night and she said that she was working then. I just said never mind it's just that Sunday is a year since we first met and it would have been nice but what about Monday instead. She said of my god what have I done, with what has been happening I'd forgot about our year date. She was really upset. She said 'if she'd stopped being silly we could have patched all this up and celebrated our year properly'. She then said she needed a think and she'd ring me Saturday, I was quite amazed. We hugged and kissed; one of those kisses on the lips, which you want to last, no tongues though completely inappropriate.

 

I wait for Saturday and live in hope that we have taken a step closer to sorting all this out. I already feel a much happier person and I think she saw a hint of the lad she fell for last year and 2 days ago.

 

I still have to keep in my mind that she might not want me back. She is going through a stressful time and the best I can do for her is to support her.

 

Again I thank you all for what you have been doing on this site. A problem shared is a problem halved. I wish all you lovely people the best and I hope you all get what you really want. A person to love and be loved by. But don't beat yourselves up over it, it's not the end of the world. I've survived it once.

 

I read this somewhere not long ago and it make a hell of a lot of sense.

 

"I once had a garden of flowers that only grew on dark thoughts.

They needed constant attention, and one day I decided I had better things to do."

 

If you can't fix something with kindness, leave it alone - Big Steve