apolloNB8 Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I was dating a girl who broke up with me stating that she isn't ready for a relationship. This happened about 2 mos. after we started dating. During that time she had told me repeatedly how wonderful I was and how good I made her feel. She complimented me a lot, she called me daily, she invited me to meet her closest friends, she told me how much her friends liked me and how good a guy they thought I was. She told me how handsome she thought I was and how great I was in bed. We had a talk about what we were looking for on our second date, and I told her that I was only interested in dating with the intention of pursuing a relationship. I told her I wasn't looking for a casual relationship but a committed one. She told me she was so happy that I saw that in her because a lot of guys didn't. I take her word on it that she wasn't ready for a relationship, although I have no idea why she didn't admit that she wasn't sure if she was ready for that when we first started dating. After all, she brought that up first. What's really concerning me is that this has been the reality for me with all of the girl's I've dated since I decided to pursue a serious relationship. Every one of the girls I've dated long enough to begin getting close to initially treats me like they want to pursue a relationship and they tell me how great I am and seem to be on the same page, but as soon as intimacy starts to develop and we begin to become a couple, they suddenly want to back out. I've tried responding to this by just saying "OK, if that's what you want", I've tried attempting to get them to open up and share why they feel that way, but nothing seems to make any difference. I also find it disturbing how I hear women complain about men who act like they want them for more than sex, but as soon as they want some commitment, the guy suddenly changes and acts different. The girl I mentioned did exactly that. She first lamented about how most guys she's dated act like they really are into her and she thinks there is a connection with them, but once they sleep with her they change and act different. I assured her that I wouldn't change. Then after we started having sex and continued dating for a while, she then abruptly tells me that she doesn't want to date anymore and just wants to be friends. It was such a surprise to me that she would do to me exactly what she complained guys do to her. How can I learn a better way of dating? I'm having serious doubts about the benefit of being a "gentleman". I constantly hear women tell me how much of a gentleman I am and how great that is, but it's been about 2 years now and I haven't been able to find any woman who actually wants a relationship. I just keep finding women who want to date for a couple of months and then split. Are there any books that you would recommend to help with this?
Mr_Flay Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 How can I learn a better way of dating? I'm having serious doubts about the benefit of being a "gentleman". I constantly hear women tell me how much of a gentleman I am and how great that is, but it's been about 2 years now and I haven't been able to find any woman who actually wants a relationship. I just keep finding women who want to date for a couple of months and then split. Are there any books that you would recommend to help with this? Sorry to have to tell you this, but this isn't a question of "dating goals" or anything similar. She just wasn't into you. Either she found a dealbreaker during one of your dates, or she was "meh" about you from the beginning and finally decided not to pursue the relationship any further, or she got a better offer from someone else. Trust me, all those people who say they're "not ready for a relationship" would happily jump into a long-term relationship with someone whom they really liked. She might like you, but not that much. Sorry... If it's of any consolation to you, you did nothing wrong. It was just a case of mismatch. Try again with someone else.
SJC2008 Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 A lot of women have validation issues. There's a subconscious drive to validate themselves to a man. Wanting an r with them puts the fire out, they don't need to win you over so they move to someone else. This is why men are told to never ask for exclisivity first, or they'll ghost. Take that advice if you want to reign in a woman with issues. TBS it could be she wasn't that into you but given yall were at the two month mark I'm betting on the latter.
Author apolloNB8 Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 Sorry to have to tell you this, but this isn't a question of "dating goals" or anything similar. She just wasn't into you. Either she found a dealbreaker during one of your dates, or she was "meh" about you from the beginning and finally decided not to pursue the relationship any further, or she got a better offer from someone else. Trust me, all those people who say they're "not ready for a relationship" would happily jump into a long-term relationship with someone whom they really liked. She might like you, but not that much. Sorry... If it's of any consolation to you, you did nothing wrong. It was just a case of mismatch. Try again with someone else. Mr_Flay, I'm trying to find better matches. I'm not trying to figure out why she or any other exes broke up per se. I'm looking for a better approach to dating. After 2 years of dating and having relationships that only last a few months, it's pretty clear that I'm not making any progress. I'm looking for advice on approaching dating from a better angle. I'm not looking for consolation so there's nothing to be sorry about, make sense?
Author apolloNB8 Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 (edited) A lot of women have validation issues. There's a subconscious drive to validate themselves to a man. Wanting an r with them puts the fire out, they don't need to win you over so they move to someone else. This is why men are told to never ask for exclisivity first, or they'll ghost. Take that advice if you want to reign in a woman with issues. TBS it could be she wasn't that into you but given yall were at the two month mark I'm betting on the latter. Ironically I've only heard this from guys who don't want relationships LOL, but I believe I see your point. What you're saying is that I should not express a goal of seeking a relationship, but I should also not say that I'm opposed to it. I should just let her know that I'd like to see where things go after we start dating, is that correct? Oh, you mentioned girls with issues. What's a good way to NOT date girls with issues? My last ex had issues for sure but I learned that soon after we started dating. I learned my lesson not to trust girls with past relationship problems that are still affecting them so I would like to know if you know a good way to detect this early (since I'm guessing few women would admit their issues on the first couple of dates)? Edited March 24, 2013 by apolloNB8
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