OLD Profile pic question: Kid or no Kid?

[Ninjainpajamas]

Ninjapajamas- having kids, as I do, is nothing but risk and risk exposure. All day, every day, everywhere you go, everything you do. Just walking down the sidewalk in the city with them....do you know how quickly a 2 year old can dash out into the street? I do. That's real and actual risk. There are real hazards and exposures everywhere when you have kids.

 

At that point, things become all about risk management. You see putting a child's pic on an OLD profile as 'unnecessary' risk, but a lot of the risks we expose our kids to are unnecessary. At that point, it becomes something where you can either sit around worrying about every single possible bad outcome, or you can just accept that life is a dangerous and unmanageable mess and you just try to keep your kids as safe as possible while still being willing to live a normal life. It's a balancing act, and emphasis is placed on protection based on probability and likely outcomes. When I look at the overall risk of having a pic of one of my kids on an OLD profile, I REALLY have to start using my imagination to construct scenarios where my kids could be harmed....whereas a bus can come zipping by and flatten my kid in 2 seconds.

 

I've only done OLD a couple times for a brief period. I had one pic of me and my daughter when she was maybe 18 mos old. Why? Well, yes the OLD profile is about me, and a lot of who I am is being a father. So, its relevant.

 

There just doesn't really seem to be a justified point even after that explanation.

 

You're trying to condone a potential "risky" and unnecessary behavior by justifying this train of thought with the fact that there are unavoidable and inconceivable risks that we take every day, without choice?

 

Do you see the difference between a choice and a fact of life?

 

Just because I can get shot up on the street of Los Angeles doesn't mean I get my tote bag and stroll down to Mexico and knock on a drug lords house saying "gimme all your money, pendejo!" because I might very well be shot down at the bus stop for smoking a blunt flashing peace signs mistakenly taken for gang affiliation.

 

And how does a picture confirm being a father more than just simply saying you are a father "oh hey, look at my kid...here's the proof...in case you thought I was lying!"...I don't get that.

 

So even before you get down to the argument of whether it is even "risky" I fail to even see the train of thought that would lead it to being "necessary".

 

But hey I'm going to go for a ride on my motorcycle for a while...but I'm no way increasing my risk or exposure because technically If I get smashed under the rear tire of a big rig...It was all the same in the end, I couldn't control either...I could have just as well had the same thing happen in a car after all!

 

I would refrain from feeling the internet is a "safe" and "trustworthy" place in general, I think it's definitely worth erring on the side of caution as a general practice. But simply in principle, I fail to see the merit of posting pictures of yourself and your kids publicly for all to see, unless you're in the news or some shet...but I think there's a reason that the media seems to be generally restricted from doing so under a certain age.

[ja123]

Of course, there are risks in everyday life for children (and adults!), but why add unnecessary risks on top of all that?! It doesn't make sense to me.

 

It's not about being scared out of your wits so you stop living: it's about managing risk.

[Cutiepie1976]

Opinions on this will vary.

 

Personally, I'm looking for information that helps me decide whether I want to learn more about you by going on a first date. You should be the focus of your photos. Whether your kids show up or not is your judgment call. I guess if I had to pick, I'd think guys who didn't post pictures of their kids were a little more responsible, but it's not a deciding factor for me.

 

What I am definitely interested in reading somewhere on your profile:

• That you are a dad
  
• How many kids and ages (e.g. toddlers vs. high schoolers)
  
• Level of involvement (e.g. 50:50 custody vs. holidays)--in other words, when can I actually expect you to be available to date
  
• Are you open to having more kids or are you done?
  

 

For reference, I'm single, never married, have no kids, but am open to dating divorced dads.

[january2011]

No kid(s) in photos. All I want to see is you, just you. Preferably having fun.

 

Mention your parental status briefly in your profile and for the "have kids?" questions. When I did OLD, I didn't like to see every sentence prefixed with or ending in "my kid(s)." That made me think that he shouldn't be putting himself out there because he's both emotionally and physically available for a relationship. It screams recently divorced/separated dad desperate for validation that he's still got it.

 

As much as I need to know that you have a kid and as much as having a kid is part of your reality, you don't need to "shove" it in my face that you are a father first and a man/boyfriend/lover last. I need to get to know you first before I get to know your kid and your family situation. You don't need to hide it and you definitely need to be upfront when asked, but you also shouldn't let it dominate every conversation.

 

Any rants about exes, the child(ren)'s mother, your former in-laws or the court system do not need to be included in the profile. Also mention grown up activities and interests, otherwise what's running through my head is that all our dates will be at Toys R' Us - and as fun as that place is, especially the Lego section, it doesn't make me think of sexy time.

 

Good luck and don't introduce your kid until you are really sure that your new lover/partner is someone you are serious about.

[TheBladeRunner]

Opinions on this will vary.

 

Personally, I'm looking for information that helps me decide whether I want to learn more about you by going on a first date. You should be the focus of your photos. Whether your kids show up or not is your judgment call. I guess if I had to pick, I'd think guys who didn't post pictures of their kids were a little more responsible, but it's not a deciding factor for me.

 

What I am definitely interested in reading somewhere on your profile:

• That you are a dad
  
• How many kids and ages (e.g. toddlers vs. high schoolers)
  
• Level of involvement (e.g. 50:50 custody vs. holidays)--in other words, when can I actually expect you to be available to date
  
• Are you open to having more kids or are you done?
  

 

For reference, I'm single, never married, have no kids, but am open to dating divorced dads.

 

I quoted CP's post because I really like the info. The responses and the conversation on this topic have been great, thank you all! Just getting back to dating in my mid forties is a little scary and OLD is a very new thing to me. I was curious about the "pics w/ kids" and there have been some good post regarding why not to as well as why it may be OK. I chose not to put my child up there before I even submitted my profile to OKC, and with all the reinforcement I feel good about my decision.

[TheBladeRunner]

Good luck and don't introduce your kid until you are really sure that your new lover/partner is someone you are serious about.

 

I already knew this but it can never be emphasized enough. I get down when I am lonely, but I always get through it......thanks to you guys and this forum. I refuse to drag woman in front of my daughter until I am as sure as I can be that it will work out. I have friends that have had their child meet every woman or man that they think "is the one" and it always seemed to end in disaster. I don't want to be alone, but if that is what it takes I will do what I have to do because although I have my own adult needs, my daughter will always come first. Thanks January!

[Barnacle-Bob]

There just doesn't really seem to be a justified point even after that explanation.

 

You're trying to condone a potential "risky" and unnecessary behavior by justifying this train of thought with the fact that there are unavoidable and inconceivable risks that we take every day, without choice?

 

Do you see the difference between a choice and a fact of life?

 

Just because I can get shot up on the street of Los Angeles doesn't mean I get my tote bag and stroll down to Mexico and knock on a drug lords house saying "gimme all your money, pendejo!" because I might very well be shot down at the bus stop for smoking a blunt flashing peace signs mistakenly taken for gang affiliation.

 

And how does a picture confirm being a father more than just simply saying you are a father "oh hey, look at my kid...here's the proof...in case you thought I was lying!"...I don't get that.

 

So even before you get down to the argument of whether it is even "risky" I fail to even see the train of thought that would lead it to being "necessary".

 

But hey I'm going to go for a ride on my motorcycle for a while...but I'm no way increasing my risk or exposure because technically If I get smashed under the rear tire of a big rig...It was all the same in the end, I couldn't control either...I could have just as well had the same thing happen in a car after all!

 

I would refrain from feeling the internet is a "safe" and "trustworthy" place in general, I think it's definitely worth erring on the side of caution as a general practice. But simply in principle, I fail to see the merit of posting pictures of yourself and your kids publicly for all to see, unless you're in the news or some shet...but I think there's a reason that the media seems to be generally restricted from doing so under a certain age.

 

The point is this: with kids, its all risk, all the time. Everywhere. Everyday.

 

So, as a parent, you can either live in fear, or just say 'the world is a dangerous place', and do your best to keep your kids safe without driving yourself crazy.

 

So, how does an internet predator go about tracking down and harming my child through a picture on an internet dating site? Seriously. Break it down for me. At the end of the day, its probably the least likely actual risk I can think of. So, when something had the same chance of happening as you have of winning the lottery, as a parent, you just don't worry about it.

 

But feel free to protect your kids however you feel necessary when you do have them. Nobody is trying to tell you how you should handle your children. However, there were a lot of comments in the thread making judgements against parents that do, because of how 'dangerous' it is to put pics of your kids on a dating profile. Pretty much all of those comments come from people who don't have kids. The people saying 'no big deal', coincidentally, tend to be the people who actually have kids and deal with that reality 24 hours a day.

[Cutiepie1976]

... Just getting back to dating in my mid forties is a little scary and OLD is a very new thing to me. I was curious about the "pics w/ kids" and there have been some good post regarding why not to as well as why it may be OK. I chose not to put my child up there before I even submitted my profile to OKC, and with all the reinforcement I feel good about my decision.

 

You sound like a great dad and a thoughtful, responsible person. Just have an open heart and enjoy the process. Eventually, you'll meet someone great.

[Barnacle-Bob]

You sound like a great dad and a thoughtful, responsible person. Just have an open heart and enjoy the process. Eventually, you'll meet someone great.

 

Haha, yup......cuz that's usually what happens.