2sure Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 So, my xH the serial cheater has asked for a meeting. My daughter and he still see each other a few times a year. He is a public servant, and is about to make a career move. I have just last week , thrown my hat into the ring for a position tht he no doubt has found out about. I know what he wants to meet about. He wants to know his secret is safe with me. It is. I destroyed all the evidence when I knew the divorce could no longer be contested, signed an agreement, and gave him my word. Clearly, he is sweating it. I have no issue telling him the truth. I fear seeing him face to face just the two of us. I have seen him sometimes. Here and there , a few times a year. Our professions sometimes coincide. He is polite , I am ....dicey. I hate reassuring him he has nothing to fear from me. If I'm honest, I'd ruin him again. I'm afraid I think. Of seeing him . And I'm inclined to let him continue to feel a little threatened . But I know that ...that's not what I'm supposed to do.
Art_Critic Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Just thinking out loud.... Do you want to give up the power of him thinking you still have the evidence ? If you tell him you destroyed everything and he comes out and says he has something on you then you have nothing to keep him in check... Okay... otherwise if you have no fear about losing the power then more power to you.. walk through that door... 3
troubadour Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 And I'm inclined to let him continue to feel a little threatened. ^^^^ This is exactly what I would do and never feel bad about it. Actually, I would love every moment of it. Just ask yourself.... do we really need another liar public servant? Run for the position yourself and don't discuss anything with him except for things directly related to your daughter. You own him nothing. 1
tbf Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 You don't have to meet with him, if you don't feel it's good for your emotional health. You owe him nothing. I made my peace with the cheating ex-husband, forgave him and myself. He's still in our lives, part of our social circle but it's great to feel nothing for him, particularly acrimony. Those pent up negative emotions aren't worth harboring. Perhaps this is the time to let them go. You're free of him so forgive yourself and be free. The above said, if you're running in the same political circles and you don't make peace with him, how much energy will you need to expend, to watch your back? If he's got NPD, he will stop at nothing if he feels you're a threat to him, justifying his fear by blaming you, twisting reality around to make himself the victim. Anyways, thought I'd send some thoughts your way. We both married Narcissists and paid the price. I've let it go and found happiness. This I wish for you too. 1
2sunny Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I wouldn't meet with him. I wouldn't lie for his benefit either! Why lie for him? If he's asked for his own personal experience - it's HIS to make that choice - to lie or be honest. IF I were asked - I'd always tell my truth. What do you stand for if you're not honest? I'd never reassure him of covering up for him! 1
TigerCub Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I agree with AC- Don't let on that you destroyed everything but you can still give him your word that you'll keep his dirty secret I totally get what you're saying about want him to sweat it a bit longer. It's really all up to you 2Sure. I am positive you will do the right thing - but why not have a lil fun with it first 1
Spark1111 Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 You do whatever you need to do to feel healthy, confident and whole.....and he can just buzz off. I would tell him that you will do nothing to jeopardize the relationship he now enjoys with your daughter....EVER. BUT, if the truth comes out from any other source, and heaven knows secret lives leave a trail of witnesses in their wake, you, if asked, will NEVER lie to save him. You must be a role model of integrity for your daughter and that means if divulged by another source, your integrity will have to take precedence of your daughter's relationship with him. While that will hurt her, a lying mother will hurt her more in the long run. He should then feel reasonably assured you will not be a whistleblower, BUT still somewhat threatened that you will cover for him if the truth comes out elsewhere. Win-win for you and EXACTLY the right amount insecurity a serial cheater deserves. I find it almost laughable that he is not meeting with all of his xAPs to garner the same reassurances. hey, maybe he is, who knows? Didn't he learn anything from, oh I don't know....Tiger Woods, Arnold Schwarzenegger, John Edwards, Mark Sanford and General Petraeus? However, if I were your agent, in the event you walk into a crowd of paparazzi after some other source has exposed him, I would advise you to make a statement along the lines of....We parted amicably and he has remained a devoted step father to my child. Out of respect to that relationship, And to my child, I will have nothing to say on this subject and ask you to give us the privacy we need. Thank you. A classy no comment. 1
2sunny Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Would you encourage your daughter to lie for an exH?
Author 2sure Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 My career, as always, is behind the scenes. It's where I'm effective as well as comfortable. My daughter is not his daughter. She knows he had inappropriate relationships. His career...once I did want it destroyed. But I still believe he is an effective public servant, he is. I just, urgh , i just don't want to feel vulnerable. It's as though I'm afraid to take a meeting, is so...I'm afraid I love him still. I do. I just absolutely do not want him to know that. Maybe I don't. Whatever, I will hold my ground, it's tiring though. Things have been so easy. Thanks everyone 1
Furious Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I hope you don't take this the wrong way. I worry that he has a relationship with your daughter at all. He's a proven liar and manipulator, and as a narcissist he is an unhealthy person for your daughter to be around. I would tell him he has nothing to worry about from you as long as he remains in your past and does interfere with your future.
tbf Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 You've got balls growing on balls, woman! Not a chance you'll let anything slip. Don't forget any of your sarcastic one-liners, as if that's possible. 2
Furious Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I would tell him he has nothing to worry about from you as long as he remains in your past and does interfere with your future. Oops Meant to say....does Not interfere with your future.
2sunny Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I hope you don't take this the wrong way. I worry that he has a relationship with your daughter at all. He's a proven liar and manipulator, and as a narcissist he is an unhealthy person for your daughter to be around. I would tell him he has nothing to worry about from you as long as he remains in your past and does interfere with your future. Seriously... Do we really want people leading us that have these poor character traits...? Don't you think those he's serving ought to know what's real about him? Otherwise they are being mislead.
2sunny Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 My career, as always, is behind the scenes. It's where I'm effective as well as comfortable. My daughter is not his daughter. She knows he had inappropriate relationships. His career...once I did want it destroyed. But I still believe he is an effective public servant, he is. I just, urgh , i just don't want to feel vulnerable. It's as though I'm afraid to take a meeting, is so...I'm afraid I love him still. I do. I just absolutely do not want him to know that. Maybe I don't. Whatever, I will hold my ground, it's tiring though. Things have been so easy. Thanks everyone Since you sidestepped answering - would you want her lying for him?
tbf Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I destroyed all the evidence when I knew the divorce could no longer be contested, signed an agreement, and gave him my word. Clearly, he is sweating it. I have no issue telling him the truth.In case people haven't noticed, 2sure's signed a hush agreement, destroyed all evidence where if she were to speak or write about this, she might be opening herself up to a slander or libel tort suit and/or breach of agreement. But most importantly, she gave her word. Once given and you break it, that's a slippery slope you've got to climb, particularly when you're being pursued by a tort suit. It's not worth it. 2
2sunny Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 In case people haven't noticed, 2sure's signed a hush agreement, destroyed all evidence where if she were to speak or write about this, she might be opening herself up to a slander or libel tort suit and/or breach of agreement. But most importantly, she gave her word. Once given and you break it, that's a slippery slope you've got to climb, particularly when you're being pursued by a tort suit. It's not worth it. So - her ex must know that - so there's really no reason to meet him as reassure him she'll stay quiet. Is there ANY way it could become public information? In the end - what he's asked you to go along with - is misrepresenting who he truly is. He's not a man of integrity. It sucks that he's in a position to lead anyone. 1
96nole Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Why meet with him in person at all? Telephones are a pretty effective tool used for communication.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I destroyed all the evidence when I knew the divorce could no longer be contested, signed an agreement, and gave him my word. I think you should do whatever your comfortable with as long as you live up to your agreement and word. Just because he's without honor doesn't mean you should be. Don't sink to his level... Mr. Lucky
carhill Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 OP, IMO, if you have no compelling nor exigent reason to meet with him, simply decline. People decline meetings all the time. Do what benefits you. Speculating about the topics of such meetings detracts from your path, which is apparently divergent from his. Sometimes silence is an effective answer. 2
Snowflower Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I just, urgh , i just don't want to feel vulnerable. It's as though I'm afraid to take a meeting, is so...I'm afraid I love him still. I do. I just absolutely do not want him to know that. Maybe I don't. ((2Sure)) Like others have mentioned, do whatever it is to make sure YOU are in a healthy place with this. If you don't want to meet him, then don't. Your statement above makes me think that you don't want to potentially give him that power by knowing you might still love him. What about just talking to him over the phone? That might be easier.
Author 2sure Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 We were supposed to meet this morning, I cancelled last minute. I told him the truth...that I wasn't comfortable meeting one on one with him, that I felt it would be emotionally difficult on me to see him. I told him that what he wanted to discuss had already been addressed...and that my word, rest assured, was as good as his. He can take that however he likes. My daughter is 17 and chooses to see him occasionally , I think more to show me that she is independent of me than to show a fondness for him. I think if I forbade her...she might make it important. It does concern me though that she accepts gifts from him. He would never ever hurt her, I know this. He shows his love by buying her huge gifts. Concert tickets with introductions, jewelry, possibly a car. She accepts the gifts, but I don't think she loves him. Sound familiar? I could not possibly reveal anything he has done to me because it could be construed I did it to harm him professionally. And I'm not convinced he isn't good at his job. His views represent the views of many of us....and there are not that many representing us who have the talent, skills, and intelligence to push through what we need them to. I've been involved long enough to know that Integrity and morals...nice if they are part of the package, but not required to get the job done. My opinion or experience I guess. I'm not going to go for that job. I don't have the stomache for this anymore. 5
Author 2sure Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 Taking my daughter to Paris on Tuesday. I'm smart enough to know we're lucky. Im not complaining but thank you guys for letting me put my guard down. 6
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