AloneInParadise Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Hello everyone, I am a 32 year old man that moved from Michigan to California 2 years ago. Just prior to my move I went through a divorce that was very hard on me. I was dating my ex wife since I was 18; married her when I was 25 and divorced at 28. Just prior to my move to California I met a great girl who I though was going to stick by my side forever. Maybe I was ignorant to think that since she was 23 at the time and I was 30. Anyway, I took a job in California and moved her in with me, as she just got out of college. She has a heart of gold and did so much for me. I also treated her great and loved her unconditionally. I never treated her badly and learned from the mistakes I made in my divorce. This is where it gets common and easy to read for all you pros. She turns 25 tomorrow and she broke up with me 4 days ago saying she didn't think we were meant to be together - also said she is going through a quarter life crises lol. I know that is complete BS - she is scared and wanting some independence. She wanted to get her own place and still date, but for me that is a step back and will only be the beginning of the end. Anyway, she left on Monday and ended up taking 2 day off work cause she was hurt. On Friday I hear a key in the door at 5:00 am and it's her crawling in bed crying saying she made a mistake and she loves me and needs me. I told here she needs to find what she is looking for, move out, and drop off her key. She ended up leaving and coming back, 5 hours later, saying she wasn't going anywhere and didn't want a new place....just wanted to be with me. She stayed one night in the house until this morning when I tried to get her to open up and she said she still wasn't 100% sure. I couldn't trust her and told her we need to break up. I love this girl very much, but I don't see her wanting to be with me. She is unsure, scared, and so wishy/washy that I know when our lease is up in 30 days she would be gone. Because of this I left her in the apartment until the lease is up next month and came up to my brother's to regroup. Can anyone give me any words of encourement to move on and forget about her? As of now, I believe she is going to be lonely and figure out that she made a mistake. She has no family out here but only a couple friends through work. I do love this girl very much, but it takes two to make it work and I can't seem to hold on to her.
TaraMaiden Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Then don't. She wants you, but wants her freedom too. She craves liberty, but craves stability. She craves excitement, but craves normality. She is what is known as a cake-eater'. You have to stand your ground, and maintain No Contact. The age gap is actually insignificant, believe it or not. It's the time of her life against yours, that is at odds. I was 6 years younger than my ex.H. I am 5 years OLDER than my current H. My parents had 11 years between them..... I just think this hit at the wrong time for her. She may have her fling, then seek to return a year down the line. Her gamble will entail finding out whether you're either available, or even interested, by then. But you need to focus on you..... 4
Kaiten Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Tara makes a good point, but i cant help but feel that there is more to her than this, and that there is a chance she inst a cake-eater. Who knows what her past is like? Is she going through a tough time emotionally? Anything going on in her family or work life? There's a lot to factor in. But i mean just based off of this i would have a super serious talk but give her one last chance. And even still i would be very careful with this kind of girl. If she is as wishy washy as you say she is then you never ever can know anything about her desires for the future for sure
Am4Real Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 (edited) No doubt being in her mid-twenties is a challenge from all the possibilities in life and facing choices, hence the suggestion there might be more to the story. When someone tells you "they don't think you were meant to be together" and there is no obvious reason for the statement (i.e. argue too much, drink too much, tardy, slob, etc) you can bet there is some interest in another person and a tug of war is going on between you and them. It sounds to me like something is pulling at her -- perhaps a new person or EX in her life. Then she realizes what she has in you, comes back, feels content, and the pull from this other person or choice takes hold again. Sounds like you've been living together a little under two years. Think about it, age 23 thru 25 are pretty impressionable and no doubt exploring. They probably were for you as that was about the time you were divorced from your Michigan wife, right? Rather than being so harsh on her and forcing her to make a decision, that is if you TRULY love her, talk to her. Tell her what you are suspecting, see if she will open up to you. Don't attack her with your questions, position then suggestively. If you don't get a straight answer, let it go, don't box her in, that gives her a chance to come back and talk about the subject again without fear of ridicule or prosecution. Most of all, if you TRULY love her, give her some space. That doesn't mean total freedom to go and date or whatever else, but rather than a hardcore ultimatum perhaps suggest something like: "hun, this appears like a challenging time for us both, I love YOU, i care about YOU, I care about US, please take a week or two to think this through and lets get together on XXXX to see where we are and what we want" Cake eating, as Tara suggested is possible but it sounds like this is the first instance of someone being unsure or pulled and SHE CAME TO YOU right away with her thinking. That's a big step. Most of the cake eaters I've come across live in stealth for a long time and do all kinds of things behind the other persons back. You're not indicating that so we can assume you have no suspicions [yet]. Although she is being pulled, we're not sure yet if whether WILL or WILL NOT make a commitment. Here is common definition of cake eating in a relationship: Cake-Eating is living without consequences. It has been described as the best of both worlds. But this is inaccurate; rather it is a superficial shadow existence in two worlds--living a half-life in each. To have the best implies fulfillment; there is nothing fulfilling in half-life existence; they are incapable of making a commitment to either world. Edited March 24, 2013 by Am4Real
Author AloneInParadise Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 THanks for the replies, everyone. Am4Real It's definitely not an ex pulling her away, because I was her first boyfriend and took her virginity when she was 22. I couldn't believe this when I found out, although I had my suspension from the sex, obviously. I do know, however, that she is thinking about what she is missing out on in life, and wants her independence so she can figure life out on her own. The thing is that this girl is not a partyier, doesn't drink, and is usually in bed at 8p.m. What is she looking for other than leaving me behind??? It really hurts because I gave her everything and put her first in my life over everything. She sent me a very long email last night saying nothing but how much she loves me, how hard she fell for me, and how I could always make her laugh non-stop. She is trying to play the role that she is sorry I am hurting and she will be there for me at any time. TRUST ME when I say I will never contact her again once we are both of our lease and the last month's rent is paid. I have deleted her from my phone, and set up my email to reject her emails as well. Oh and get this! DADDY is flying out from MI today to help her find a new place and i'm sure pay for it all. Some independence eh? I love this girl so much and I was blindsided by all this. Now I'm up at my Brother's living out of bags and it makes me sick to my stomache. She wanted space..I am going to give her all the space she needs. Good riddance and good luck! 1
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