Is he controlling me with guilt?

[Hopeful30]

Long story short:

 

I was dating guy A for a while but things didn't work out and we broke up.

 

Then I started dating guy B. Little did I know, guy B was actually a rebound. I cheated on him with guy A (once) and confessed it. Guy B was heartbroken but we continued to date for about a year. Even thought Guy B was a rebound, he is amazing, helped me through a lot of dark stuff I was going through.

 

Guy B and I have been broken up for 9 months or so. I've been ready to date ever since then but haven't. Last night, I met up with Guy A for the first time since I cheated and we kissed.

 

Now i'm feeling extremely guilty and I don't know why.

 

Guy B (rebound) and I still keep in touch from time to time. He said that if I start dating someone else, he won't keep in touch anymore because it is too difficult for him to know I'm with another man.

 

Is he trying to control me with this guilt? He knows he is my biggest support (I have a really sh*tty family situation) and that I lean on him during some of the difficult times. He is telling me that even if I go on ONE date with another man, that it's over and we can't talk anymore.

 

I'm not sure if I'm feeling guilty because i'm "cutting" my ties with guy B by kissing another man... or if i'm feeling guilty because the first man I kissed is guy A (the reason for the cheating).

 

Should I even be feeling guilty at all?

 

Have any of you ever felt guilty when officially dating someone "new" after a really life-changing relationship?

Edited March 24, 2013 by Hopeful30

[TaraMaiden]

No, he's not trying to control you with guilt.

He was up-front. he can't keep in touch with you if you're dating someone else, because he still has deep feelings for you.

You're actually lucky he agreed to be a 'friend' because with feelings as deep as he has, it must hurt him a lot to be with you, and not be able to "BE with you".

 

The Guilt - is all yours to make, and to own, and to keep.

 

You kissed Guy 'A' and you seem drawn to the train-wreck that was your first time with him....

 

It didn't work out the first time, but it seems you can't get away from him.

 

Frankly, I think you're being selfish, because you want a BF AND guy B to still hang around - and it will mean lying to him to engineer that.

 

You need to make your mind up on how to behave nicely - and cut guy 'B' loose.

You're being very unfair on him - and any guilt you feel, in my opinion, whatever the underlying cause - is deserved.

 

Because you know you're being unfair.

[NewPerspective93]

I don't think he is controlling you with guilt; if he were, I'd assume he'd be more manipulative, but in how you're presenting things, he doesn't seem like he might be. He might not want to know that you and a new guy are doing things you and him did before.

 

He might just want to save himself from further hurt. Ignorance is bliss, guy B might take that to heart.

 

Cheers.

[Hopeful30]

^ There are more details to the situation that I don't want to reveal. All I can tell you is that Guy A and I did NOT break up because our relationship was bad. It was an exterior circumstance that made this happen.

 

[@ first poster]

[TaraMaiden]

^ There are more details to the situation that I don't want to reveal. All I can tell you is that Guy A and I did NOT break up because our relationship was bad. It was an exterior circumstance that made this happen.

 

[@ first poster]

 

This is completely irrelevant to what you are asking.

 

It really has no bearing whatsoever on your behaviour and attitude to guy B.

[Hopeful30]

This is completely irrelevant to what you are asking.

 

It really has no bearing whatsoever on your behaviour and attitude to guy B.

 

I feel like you're attacking me.

 

I'm not dating guy A, we were catching up and we kissed. I don't plan on dating him, but he continues to be an important part of my life.

 

I don't even see guy B anymore, we simply chat from time to time. Do I really need to tell him that i've fully moved on and have him grieve rather than simply let him realize it on his own when he is ready?

 

I'm just so tired of hurting him. It's the last thing I want. I care for guy B and the last thing he deserves to hear that i've moved on from him with the same guy that I hurt him with.

[TaraMaiden]

I feel like you're attacking me.

 

I'm sorry you feel that. But you asked, and I responded....

 

I'm not dating guy A, we were catching up and we kissed. I don't plan on dating him, but he continues to be an important part of my life.

Right.... so why therefore is he relevant?

 

I don't even see guy B anymore, we simply chat from time to time. Do I really need to tell him that i've fully moved on and have him grieve rather than simply let him realize it on his own when he is ready?

Yes, to be fair, of course you do.

he is still 'holding a candle for you'.....

 

I'm just so tired of hurting him. It's the last thing I want. I care for guy B and the last thing he deserves to hear that i've moved on from him with the same guy that I hurt him with.

 

Then don't tell him that.

but tell him you are actively looking to date someone and you are bound to meet someone sooner rather than later. You're sorry if it hurts him, but it is what it is.

 

If you're tired of hurting him - then do what you need to do to stop hurting him!

He's not psychic - on the contrary, he's hopeful!

[grace777]

I don't think Tara is attacking you. I think she's simply delivering advice in a non-biased manner.

 

Here are my thoughts. You broke up with Guy B. You need to let him go. If you want to hook up or date Guy A or Guy L-M-N-O-P, who cares. The bottom line is, that you WILL want to date again. And you DESERVE to date again.

 

And Guy B also DESERVES to be let go so that he can move on. Breakups suck, but if you're giving him hope by keeping him around, that's not cool. And by keeping him around and pretending you aren't interested in dating anyone else, that's exactly what you're doing - giving him hope. That's not fair. It's going to hurt him to be cut out, but you need to be honest and let him know.

 

Let him down gently and communicate how much you care for him, but that you DO plan to date other people. Maybe later, down the road, you guys can be friends again - but he needs to let go of this relationship so he can find someone to give him what he deserves. And you need that too.

 

What you're doing, by stringing him along with false hope, is not cool or caring. Have a kind, warm talk and be very clear and honest. Let him go.

[CC12]

I very much agree with the above post, but on this point:

 

What you're doing, by stringing him along with false hope, is not cool or caring.

 

I don't necessarily disagree, but I think it's putting ALL the blame on her, while ignoring his participation in creating this really messed up friendship.

 

OP, I think it's incredibly dickish of him to "be a friend" while also threatening to end the friendship if you so much as go on one date with someone else. Those are some massive strings attached. Yes, I think he is trying to exert an amount of control over you. It's pretty manipulative. What kind of a friend places that kind of unrealistic and unfair "rules" on a friendship? That is outrageous.

 

And you shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place. The second he said, "If you go on ONE date with someone else, this friendship is over," you should have said goodbye. That was a clear indication that he wasn't over you and that a real, true friendship was not possible. He should have seen that too and removed himself from your life so he could move on. You're both kind of equally at fault for letting this toxic friendship go on for as long as it has.

 

But I don't think either of you did this with any real malicious intent, it was just a shortsighted mistake. I think you should end the friendship as amicably as you can, but make sure you both understand it's very final.

 

Also, no, you should not be feeling guilty for kissing guys. You're single and you can do that.

[Am4Real]

Well then you don't agree with the "above" post at all.

 

 

 

I very much agree with the above post, but on this point:

 

 

 

I don't necessarily disagree, but I think it's putting ALL the blame on her, while ignoring his participation in creating this really messed up friendship.

 

OP, I think it's incredibly dickish of him to "be a friend" while also threatening to end the friendship if you so much as go on one date with someone else. Those are some massive strings attached. Yes, I think he is trying to exert an amount of control over you. It's pretty manipulative. What kind of a friend places that kind of unrealistic and unfair "rules" on a friendship? That is outrageous.

 

And you shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place. The second he said, "If you go on ONE date with someone else, this friendship is over," you should have said goodbye. That was a clear indication that he wasn't over you and that a real, true friendship was not possible. He should have seen that too and removed himself from your life so he could move on. You're both kind of equally at fault for letting this toxic friendship go on for as long as it has.

 

But I don't think either of you did this with any real malicious intent, it was just a shortsighted mistake. I think you should end the friendship as amicably as you can, but make sure you both understand it's very final.

 

Also, no, you should not be feeling guilty for kissing guys. You're single and you can do that.

[Wabisabi]

I think you should feel guilty. If you care for guy B, let him go.

[SendHope]

IMO, there is no controlling going on at all.

 

It is what it is. It's clear that Guy B still holds that candle for you. This is primarily the reason why he's still in your orbit. Hope is such a cruel thing post break-ups.

 

You going out on dates would be obviously painful for him. For his sake of self-preservation, he should cut all ties with you at that point. He should have done it from the moment of the break-up but I cannot blame him though. I tried being "friends" with my ex as well but I wised up much more quicker.

[NewPerspective93]

Unfortunately, I just experienced something similar to what your Guy B is going through (well maybe not similar but close).

 

Yesterday, my ex contacted me about a personal issue she is going through with her current boyfriend, who was one of the few friends I had from back home. She told me how she was crying about it, and how she didn't know who to turn to.

 

Usually I never talk about specific situations I go through on this forum, but I found it would be helpful in this situation, for I feel I understand what guy B is going through so I will elaborate a bit on said situation.

 

I'm not going to talk about the issue specifically, for I feel it is of a personal matter.

 

Anyways, she contacts me, asking me some trivial question. Frankly, I was somewhat sad when she contacted me because it brought back some feelings. Eventually, she told me why she was asking me, for she was going through something with the guy. She is very sensitive to a specific issue, and it dealt with how they both viewed the issue and how it made her sad he didn't understand. She told me she was crying over this, that's how sensitive she is to it. Personally, I understand her feelings, but when she contacted me and told me about the issue and how she didn't believe him, I felt happy that they were going through a rough patch.

 

I know this is f****ed up, feeling even a tad happy for that reason. I am not that type of guy who likes to meddle in people's relationships, for I know how it feels, so feeling this way is something I don't like to feel.

 

I asked if she wanted to talk about it. Maybe not a good idea.

 

I called her.

 

Let me give you the gist of what I felt and learned.

 

She told me how the issue had been prevalent and how their talking seemed to cease.

 

Again, the feeling of happiness and false hope came from my part.

 

She eventually made discreet talk about birth control, and then delineated reasons she was taking it (time of the month) and other reasons she didn't want to tell me about, and even said that specifically ("...reasons I don't want to say...")...which really hurt for I know what they were.

 

For the rest of the conversation, I felt like **** and was very taciturn, for knowing that they had done things made me feel terrible. I eventually told her I had to go.

 

About 5 minutes after our phone call, she made a post on FB about being sorry for hurting someone, which was extremely vague. I feel it is about me and how she regrets contacting me about the problem because of how it made me feel.

 

I don't think I will contact her soon, I don't need to analyze and think about this.

 

 

The gist:

 

I received false hope from this. False hope is never good.

 

I'm moving on, and realizing this is for the best, for there is no hope and point for me to hold on to her contact, for I feel that the only reason I would keep contact is in hopes of getting her back, which is not the right reason to be friends with an ex.

 

I am doing this, for I feel that they will get back together and knowing that, will put me deeper in the hole if I maintain contact because of false hope I garnered.

 

Maybe this situation isn't similar to guy B's, but I feel the principle is the same; ignorance is bliss, and moving on is beneficial. I wish I didn't find out they had done stuff, for it made me feel terrible and not sleep well. Guy B is doing what is best for himself, he's trying not to know what you're doing for fear of getting hurt.

 

You have to realize that the feeling of knowing that your ex is doing stuff with some other person, even if it's just being together and talking, is a pretty hard pill to swallow.

 

Frankly, I still care for her, but I realize holding onto this will not be best for myself. I am very optimistic, and I feel that the hope I think is there is what is killing me; guy B here seems to want the false hope to go away as well.

 

I'm sorry for saying this, but I think you need to give him time for himself to recover, to let him let go, for it's not helping him at this specific moment.

 

Personally, I think he is making a well-thought out decision for he is choosing not to be heartbroken and sad knowing you're with someone, for that is one terrible feeling. Trust me, I know.

 

I think guy B is making the right decision; he is trying to close off his pain by moving on.

 

You have to be honest and tell him about your intentions of maybe dating again. He doesn't deserve this.

 

Also, you have to be open with your issues with your significant other, not keep someone on the side to do that with. That seems to be the case with guy b; he is just a side dish.

 

Cheers.

Edited March 25, 2013 by NewPerspective93

[Am4Real]

Amen!!

 

When did being alone become so bad?

 

I'd rather be alone for a while and have ample opportunity to meet an amazing person than deal with Guy A, Guy B, cheating, guilt, manipulation, FWB, etc.

 

The crap people will do, accept, tolerate and the amount of drama, pain, misery, heartache, etc. they will endure to avoid being alone never ceases to amaze me.