Can a boyfriend be too nice?

[Ready36]

Just something i've been contemplating since my break up really, and on a bit of a 'self improvement' drive.

 

My girlfriend of 6.5 months broke up to me saying she had lost attraction and just woke up one day feeling differently. She never said why, gave me some closure saying 'maybe things got to comfortable' and maybe we had 'too much in common'.

 

There were just certain things she said that stuck in my mind. She was really sorry about it and I remember her saying that she felt like a complete bitch and it was as though she was "kicking a puppy dog". Which pissed me off a bit to be honest.

 

Anyway, she had had awful boyfriends before me who treated her badly. She also had a bit of a family history, father left her when she was yound and sometimes sends her abusive messages.

 

I played it mr cool for sometime, and ironically when I did that seemed to be when she was most attracted to me. Then she started having problems with friends and I tried to be supportive, listening to all her problems etc.

 

I always treated her well, always made sure I had her favourite foods etc. when she stopped over, cooked for us.

 

Used to send her little poems every now and then, used to try and make her feel secure and tell her how much she meant to me.

 

I also used to buy her gifts ever now and then, usually nothing big just thoughtful.

 

Then I did a couple of particualrly nice things for her, took her on a suprsie day out, took her to her favourite restaurant, then for cocktails and then to a stand up comedy gig that she had never done before.

 

Also, she told me about these shoes her friend had which she loved but had been discontiued and I found a pair (the ONLY pair!) on an auction website and surpised her.

 

I think maybe towards the end she felt things had got comfotable in that the last month or so we weren't going out as much (I had no money lol) so we used to just do cinema or stay in with a DVD and I would cook.

 

I know I can be a bit of a softie, also I'm not an argumentative sort of guy. I'm 29 and pretty laid back, she is 23.

 

I just don't know if I'm too nice maybe and if she got bored/lost attraction or thought I was weak maybe and not 'man' enough?

 

Honest thought really would be appreciated. I want to try and learn from this experience because I don't want to have to go through this sort of heartbreak again and shoot myself in the foot.

Edited March 23, 2013 by Ready36

[january2011]

No, not in my opinion. In her opinion, perhaps.

 

Given her background and romantic history, I think this one mostly on her. Perhaps she's used to more drama and you didn't give her enough? If that's the case, I think you were lucky that she pulled the plug early, before either of you got in too deep. I suspect that when she gets older she may even look back and regret that she was not more appreciative.

 

There are many women who are looking for nice, comfort, a guy who can cook, etc. Go find one of these women and stay away from the women looking for drama.

[Ready36]

No, not in my opinion. In her opinion, perhaps.

 

Given her background and romantic history, I think this one mostly on her. Perhaps she's used to more drama and you didn't give her enough? If that's the case, I think you were lucky that she pulled the plug early, before either of you got in too deep. I suspect that when she gets older she may even look back and regret that she was not more appreciative.

 

There are many women who are looking for nice, comfort, a guy who can cook, etc. Go find one of these women and stay away from the women looking for drama.

 

She did once say in a jokey sort of way that I was "too nice" after I brought her a little gift and towards the end said I was "very cute" which I didn't really know how to take.

 

She did say when finishing it that this was "her problem and I had been the perfect boyfriend".

 

She also gave it the old I don't think I want to be with anyone, and I knew that if I wasn't happy with the perfect boyfriend I didn't want to be in a relationship.

 

Now, 4 months on and having only been seeing him for like 3 weeks, she is in a relationship. She had responded to my email just 3 weeks before she started dating him saying that she had finished it because it "was not what she wanted with ANYONE" and that she wasn't dating and was "happier being by herself".

 

Go figure...

[january2011]

I suspect that this guy was waiting in the wings and her speech was BS.

 

I suggest moving on. Whether it was you, whether it was her, you weren't a good fit. There doesn't have to be a "good" reason to break up with anyone. As sh*tty as it can make both people feel, sometimes there isn't anything rational about a breakup.

 

For your own sake, no more emails/texts/phone calls/contact.

[Woggle]

With many women who are used to being mistreated or men mistreating them having a man treat them well is a foreign concept. Let her go back to her jerks. It's the only thing you can do.

[na49]

I was probably just like you. I loved to make my ex happy, even if it meant making myself unhappy. While I do think that girls appreciate this, I think we need to find a way to respect ourselves before respecting others. If your ex was telling you stuff like that, she probably didn't see you as a very masculine figure, but more as a best friend. Girls want to date a man, not their best friend. That's why they have the friend zone. (I'm a guy, so any girl can feel free to correct me on this)

 

I'm not trying to offend you, so please don't take offense to that. I am in your shoes, but since the BU it's what I've learned. We need to find a way to be our nice guy/laidback selves while also setting boundaries and not doing something for someone else at our expense, or having them think of us as a doormat.