deanmartin12345 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I , a 24 year old man, have been with my girlfriend, a 24 year old girl, for about 6 months. We were officially a couple for 4 months. We have a pretty similar background - both grew up in CA and went to undergrad at the same school (though we didn't know each other then). I thought our relationship was going great until a few weeks ago. My girlfriend broke up with me a few weeks ago, on March 8 via email. I was out of the country and got an email that basically said 'I need to break up with you because I'm not feeling what I want to in this relationship". We have been together since hte beginning of September, an official couple since November. She had asked me to go exclusive. We had never had so much as a minor fight before this. She had kept telling me how much she liked me, so I told her a week before Valentine's Day that I loved her and she said it back to me really happily & excitedly (no hesitation). The week before I got this email, she had called me when I was out of the country and at the end told me "I love you, I miss you & I'll see you when you come back". So understandably, this came out of the blue. We've met twice since she sent that email and at the end of every time we kiss and she says that she'll think about continuing it. I talked to her on the phone from out of town the next day for like 45 minutes. By the end of it she felt a bit better and we were going to meet. We met for like 4 hours when I came back. Her main reasons were that we didn't spend enough time together - even though we had never talked about this before. She also said she felt like our love didn't transcend & fix her problems like she had wanted them to. She also said she regretted telling me she loved me but that she trusted me and cared about me. She said she felt like we were in two separate worlds, not our own world together and that it has to do with the way we relate. It took a lot of convincing but by the end of it she said 'ok, I'll think about this [not ending it] and we can meet again later this week.' We kissed a little bit and she left. We met again later that week for a few hours. She said that she hadn't really changed her mind. Like she really cares about me and said that this would be really easy if she could just tell me she hates me and never wants to see me again, but she can't. She siad that technically it may be good for her right now to be in a relationship & have someone care for her but that she's not really sure what is happening with her life in August when her lease is up and she's trying to get a new job (she's been pretty unhappy at her current one). She also kept saying that she wanted to spend more time with me - normal time, not just having fun on weekends but just being there with each other even if we were working on our own projects. She was kind of pissed when I told her that I just didn't think she wanted to do that and be involved in my projects. However, I said that if she wants to spend more time with me, I'd be glad to. But she kept saying that she didn't think I could do it - even though we've never tried before. We talked normally for a while and touched and all that and at the end again we kissed a few times and she said that she'd think about staying together. She was going for a bike ride that she had planned a while ago and said she'd call me after to meet up later that night. She never called and just texted that she was tired and going to bed. I haven't heard from her since. What is going on? Does she want to end it and just can't get herself to do it? Does she really want to spend more time together? Should I just end it officially on my own and get my stuff back from her? Thank you.
Cogee Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 My girlfriend broke up with me a few weeks ago, on March 8 via email. I was out of the country and got an email that basically said 'I need to break up with you because I'm not feeling what I want to in this relationship". I talked to her on the phone from out of town the next day for like 45 minutes. By the end of it she felt a bit better and we were going to meet. We met for like 4 hours when I came back. Her main reasons were that we didn't spend enough time together - even though we had never talked about this before. It's loud and clear that she is not feeling it in this relationship because she wants more time together to bond. When she told you what she wanted you told her you think she wouldn't want that, so of course she is going to doubt this even more. You basically just shot down something she wanted to do without giving her a chance to do it. The damage is done and no amount of "well, if you want to you can" afterwards will change that. I think she is justified to be doubting whether you guys are right for each other. She told you exactly what was wrong and your immediate reaction was to disagree with what she was willing to do. What is going on? Does she want to end it and just can't get herself to do it? Does she really want to spend more time together? Should I just end it officially on my own and get my stuff back from her? Thank you. Listen to her. If you can't handle her spending more time with you then you should part ways.
Author deanmartin12345 Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 Hi Cogee. I would of course love to spend more time with her. I just told her that before we talked about this, that I didn't think that she had wanted that. But now that I know, I told her that I would be more than happy to spend more time with her. But she kept saying that she didn't think people could change and I told her that we've never even tried this.
Cogee Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 It just sounds like you guys have different expectations on what you want. She wants things to get serious, and spend more time together whereas you are comfortable at the moment just doing fun weekends. I think her main concern is that even if she spends time with you on your projects now, there is still a significant gap as to what each want. If I try to put myself in her shoes, I would feel that if you are not naturally trying to include me in 'normal' things that we can do together outside of fun weekends, then you and I are not in the same frame of mind. She clearly doesn't want to feel like she is negotiating with you to do these things because she feels they should just be automatic. All you can do at this point is think about ways that you want to spend time with her outside of weekends and then suggest them.
Author deanmartin12345 Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 Got it, that makes sense Cogee. I get that she doesn't want to feel like she is negotiating with me to get more time - she sort of indicated that. I told her that I'd just come over more randomly and that she shouldn't feel obligated to be tied to what her plans were once we meet. However, I have not heard from her since last Saturday the 16th. She said she was going to call after her bike ride and didn't and I haven't reached out since then. Do you think I should reach out to talk to her again? I was planning on asking her this Saturday the 30th if she was going to a party we were both invited to and then if she was not, trying to meet with her sometime later that week. I was thinking of ending it if she can't come to a decision.
Cogee Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 If she hasn't responded in over a week I'm sorry to say it's over. You might try calling her one more time and that's it. If she doesn't answer or get back to you then you should consider texting her that it's over. Communication is important and if she is distancing herself then it's not a good sign.
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