RosaUK Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I've been talking to this guy for 3 months now via text/couple of phone calls. - He lives 150 miles away, so it's not too far. - We met during Christmas 2012, in person. - By the end of Jan/beginning of Feb, feelings started to grow gradually. - By the end of Feb/beginning of March, we realized that we do like each other. - A couple of weeks ago, he said that he would like for it to be an exclusive thing (dating, not relationship), as he isn't interested in getting to know anybody else. I felt the same way. Meeting up: - We determined that he will be coming to my city to visit me and stay over for one night, and he promised that he will come. - However, he never made any promises about any particular dates though. He always said that he's 80-90% sure. - At the beginning of Feb, he said he will try to visit me during the middle of March (after the 15th) - When March came around, he said he'll try and come towards the last week of March. - The last week of March is now approaching and he said he's still unsure. When we discussed meeting up, he kept saying "If I'm not able to make it due to certain circumstances, I want to know if you will be okay with it, and where your head will be at?" - From him saying that, I knew he had other duties, and I could tell he was not definitely sure about his visit. - We discussed this properly yesterday as I needed to know where his head was at. - He told me the reasons why he's been delaying it, and why he never made any promises, he didn't want to give me a definite date and then change it. - I know he helps his single dad out with money towards the house and bills and rent, etc. - He works 2 days a week (these days vary) but I didn't know that he has to go home and do other work (during the other 5 days) regarding his job. (Cashflow, logistics, accounting, database work, etc) - He also said it's not easy for him to just get up and venture out somewhere, and as much as he would like to come and see me, he needs to make sure his family is sorted first, in terms of financial help. - I felt as though he wasn't interested in seeing me, because he never brought up the visit. - He said "I'm quite stressed with the work at the moment and realistically, I would tell you that I'm coming ASAP, because that's what my head and my heart want to do, but then I find myself with other important duties to fulfill towards my family, and I end up not coming at the date I told you, I would love to come and see you, but I don't want to bring it up and then change the date, you will think I don't want to come, which is not the case." - I then mentioned that it may just be easier for me to visit him in his city instead - He said it would be easier in a sense, but he will still be in the same position (working and financially helping his family) - In some sense, he is quite 'manly', he kept saying "No, I'm the guy and I made a promise to you that I'll come and visit you first, so I will make the effort, trust me." - He's the same in terms of paying for dates and making phone calls, he feels as though the guy should do all that. - To me, I don't really care who makes the first effort, I just want to spend time with him. - But he was feeling guilty and said that he told me he'd make the effort to see me and he would feel bad if I had to take time out of my schedule to go up and see him. What do you think, would you wait if you were in this situation? I don't know if I can wait that long and I rather just go up and see him, but, I do have exams at the end of april - beginning of May, so I do need to revise and can't just leave and venture out either.
ja123 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 What do you think, would you wait if you were in this situation? No, I wouldn't wait. There's not enough investment to forgo getting your needs met in the short-term, not to mention the long-term. 2
neveragain34 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 The first thing that came to my mind when reading this...this man is married. A SINGLE, grown man can get away whenever he wants if he really likes a woman; Not so easy for a married man. Something isn't right here. Move on. 2
FitChick Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 google his name and city and search for marriage records. 192.com is a people search in the UK. I think it lists people who live at the same address.
anna121 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I've been talking to this guy for 3 months now via text/couple of phone calls. - He lives 150 miles away, so it's not too far. - We met during Christmas 2012, in person. - By the end of Jan/beginning of Feb, feelings started to grow gradually. - By the end of Feb/beginning of March, we realized that we do like each other. - A couple of weeks ago, he said that he would like for it to be an exclusive thing (dating, not relationship), as he isn't interested in getting to know anybody else. I felt the same way. Meeting up: - We determined that he will be coming to my city to visit me and stay over for one night, and he promised that he will come. - However, he never made any promises about any particular dates though. He always said that he's 80-90% sure. - At the beginning of Feb, he said he will try to visit me during the middle of March (after the 15th) - When March came around, he said he'll try and come towards the last week of March. - The last week of March is now approaching and he said he's still unsure. When we discussed meeting up, he kept saying "If I'm not able to make it due to certain circumstances, I want to know if you will be okay with it, and where your head will be at?" - From him saying that, I knew he had other duties, and I could tell he was not definitely sure about his visit. - We discussed this properly yesterday as I needed to know where his head was at. - He told me the reasons why he's been delaying it, and why he never made any promises, he didn't want to give me a definite date and then change it. - I know he helps his single dad out with money towards the house and bills and rent, etc. - He works 2 days a week (these days vary) but I didn't know that he has to go home and do other work (during the other 5 days) regarding his job. (Cashflow, logistics, accounting, database work, etc) - He also said it's not easy for him to just get up and venture out somewhere, and as much as he would like to come and see me, he needs to make sure his family is sorted first, in terms of financial help. - I felt as though he wasn't interested in seeing me, because he never brought up the visit. - He said "I'm quite stressed with the work at the moment and realistically, I would tell you that I'm coming ASAP, because that's what my head and my heart want to do, but then I find myself with other important duties to fulfill towards my family, and I end up not coming at the date I told you, I would love to come and see you, but I don't want to bring it up and then change the date, you will think I don't want to come, which is not the case." - I then mentioned that it may just be easier for me to visit him in his city instead - He said it would be easier in a sense, but he will still be in the same position (working and financially helping his family) - In some sense, he is quite 'manly', he kept saying "No, I'm the guy and I made a promise to you that I'll come and visit you first, so I will make the effort, trust me." - He's the same in terms of paying for dates and making phone calls, he feels as though the guy should do all that. - To me, I don't really care who makes the first effort, I just want to spend time with him. - But he was feeling guilty and said that he told me he'd make the effort to see me and he would feel bad if I had to take time out of my schedule to go up and see him. What do you think, would you wait if you were in this situation? I don't know if I can wait that long and I rather just go up and see him, but, I do have exams at the end of april - beginning of May, so I do need to revise and can't just leave and venture out either. I think that (a) that's ALOT of prevaricating about traveling a measly 150 miles to see someone for 24 hours (especially if he only works 2 days a week!). Unless he's, like, a full-time caregiver, I think most people can make advance plans without so much dithering. He's acting like leaving his family for one day is going to put them in jeopardy of life and limb...weird. OR (b) he really IS that unsettled, in which case he is not good relationship material I would tell him that you CANNOT keep waiting on actually meeting up, and that you think it would be best NOT to be exclusive right now. He has his priorities. You're allowed to have yours.
january2011 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Since he can't drop everything, that's a good reason to set a date and agree to it, including buying tickets. The other option is that you meet halfway. 150 miles away in the UK is not far and it's possible to have weekends together. If you can't afford the train, there's always National Express. You could easily get a return coach/train ticket for under £50 to get you to most places in the UK if you book far enough in advance. You could even head to France or Spain on a budget flight for that kind of money. So he would have to be dirt poor to not be able to afford that. To be honest, all I hear is excuses. I agree that something is not quite right: he could be married/live-in girlfriendhe is just not committed to moving your relationship forwardhe is just not that into youhe has a strict family or religious/cultural issuesor some other reason that does not allow him to meet you or see you face-to-face (e.g., on Skype) In this day and age, for a three-month fledgling relationship, I think that texts and two phone calls is not really much to build anything on. Since you are only at the "like" stage and have not been intimate, I'd be very tempted to pass on this one. You could always tell him that he knows where you are if he is ready to move forward. But then I still wouldn't wait for him. For the foreseeable future, it's unlikely that his circumstances will change. If he can't sort himself out to make a first official meeting, what is going to happen when you are in a full relationship/married/etc? It doesn't sound like he can prioritise a relationship, either now or in the short/medium-term future - making him undateable, in my opinion. 2
neveragain34 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 He could also be very different looking than what he has described or from pictures you have seen! Again, I don't like the sound of this man. Don't ignore the red flags that are right in front of your face. 1
Author RosaUK Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 I forgot to add, he is 21, and I am 20. I am in university and he just graduated last year. Lives with his father and his younger sister. I have taken all of you opinions into consideration, and I think it is best if I distance myself from him. I won't focus my energy on him and I'll keep my options open from now on. I have given myself a time limit in my own head (I have not told him) If he mentions visiting, then good. If he doesn't mention anything by the 3rd week of April, I will bail for good. 1
neveragain34 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I forgot to add, he is 21, and I am 20. I am in university and he just graduated last year. Lives with his father and his younger sister. I have taken all of you opinions into consideration, and I think it is best if I distance myself from him. I won't focus my energy on him and I'll keep my options open from now on. I have given myself a time limit in my own head (I have not told him) If he mentions visiting, then good. If he doesn't mention anything by the 3rd week of April, I will bail for good. Maybe he is younger than he told you.
FitChick Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 He could also be very different looking than what he has described or from pictures you have seen! They met in person at Christmas.
Recommended Posts