Thinking about breaking NC - needed

[somewanderersarelost]

This is my first post here, so please bear with me. What I write here may be long, but I would really appreciate it if my fellow Love Shackers could read it and respond. I'm in desperate need of some advice, and I'm afraid I've used my friends a little too much over the past few months.

 

Here goes...

 

I'm a gay male in his early 30s. I met my ex in March of 2011. We were together for 1.5 years, breaking up in September of 2012. Overall, we had a good relationship -- we got along very well and enjoyed spending time together. There were some issues, though. The two main ones were as follows: (1) that I wasn't really interested in having children in the future, while my ex really wanted to start a family at some point; (2) that I grew up Catholic and am still a little uncomfortable with my sexuality. This makes being affectionate in public problematic and hard for me.

 

I thought we'd get through all this stuff and figure it out. My ex thought differently, however, and broke up with me in the middle of September last year. I was very sad when we broke up but understood his main reason (the kids thing). I also understood that there were probably other issues that he didn't want to admit, as it might hurt me too much. So, in an effort to end things well, I proposed we spend one more week together to properly say goodbye and do things we had always wanted to do. He agreed and we spent a really nice last week together, taking small trips and expressing our love for each other. And then he left. Both of us believed, naively, that after a few months we would become friends.

 

I had a really hard time without him, and it was really hard for me to adjust. I made it through OK at first, though, and was going on dates and generally doing OK. Around November, I got really sad and wrote him a long letter asking him for another chance, explaining how we could work on our issues and maybe figure out a way for me to adjust to do the idea of having kids. He called me that night and it was a no go. After that we didn't speak until December. He texted me near Christmas asking for a time to have dinner. I called him and we talked for a bit. I again said I was not ready to be friends and it would have to wait.

 

In January, I went to Disney World with some friends and got really sad seeing all the families there. I started to think that, maybe, having kids isn't that big of a deal-breaker. I mean, if you love someone who wants something so badly, can't you just adjust? (For the record, the reason I don't want kids relates to the fact that I'm still somewhat uncomfortable being gay -- it makes me nervous to think about the amount of prejudice a gay parent must face every day. I'm in therapy working on these issues.) So, I wrote him a letter just telling him that, no, I'm still not ready to be friends, mostly because I'm still in love with him and got really sad in Disney. We talked on the phone at the end of January about the letter and he expressed that he would always be here for me, no matter what.

 

Fast forward to today -- we haven't spoken in 2 months. I really want to write him another letter. In it, I want to explain all the progress I've made in therapy and tell him about the adjustments I'm willing to make. Am I just being completely pathetic, though? I mean, haven't I already told him these things and he has said no? I just can't get him out of my head, and I feel like that means something. I may just be fooling myself, but what if there is some small 1% chance that he's waiting for me to say these things? Everyday, I oscillate a million times between sending him a letter or just letting it go to get over it.

 

If you're still reading at this point, I'd really like to know your thoughts here. Am I just hanging on to something that has absolutely no substance? I know sending the letter to him will make me very sad if it doesn't work out, but will I be 100% sure then and able to move on quicker? Or am I moving on now without even knowing it?

 

I'm so confused.

Edited March 23, 2013 by somewanderersarelost

[iouaname]

What exactly did he say that made it a "no-go" when you expressed that you wanted to get back together? You kind of skipped over what his reactions were.

[somewanderersarelost]

Sorry. He was very kind and expressed that he just had too many doubts. I would ask if it was just about the kids thing and he said yes and that the other things just branched off of that. I just feel like we had so much fun together that there might be some chance left there. But I guess everyone feels that way, right?

[iouaname]

"Doubts" are a really difficult thing, because when they tell us they have doubts -- we believe that that means things are not decided. Doubts means uncertainty, right? So we believe that we have the ability to assuage those doubts. The problem is that in reality, we don't.

 

Let me ask you though, is having kids really something you want? Or something that you think you'll settle for just because you want this man back? Because the decision to have children is a difficult one, and it's even more difficult for gay men because it's a much harder process, and as you mentioned, there is a certain stigma against gay parents. Having children would need to be something that you are committed to, and so it's easy to see why he would still have doubts even after you have attempted to show him that you are okay with it. Having children isn't the same kind of compromise as hogging the covers less or taking out the trash more, you know? So if you're genuinely more comfortable with your sexuality and you have really learned that a family is something that you want for your life, then that's one thing. If not, then I would advise against attempting to get back into this relationship because in the long run it may do more harm for both of you if the situation arises and you realize that you actually don't want kids.

 

That said, whenever the dumpees inquire about breaking NC, I tend to believe that they shouldn't. In this case, it seems as though you've both handled things maturely and are on friendly terms. I don't want to give bad advice though. Maybe you should write the letter, and then worst case scenario, he rejects you again and you know for certain know that it's over. Sometimes, we have to put our hand on the stove to know it's too hot to touch again?

 

I wish you the best of luck, hon! But remember - if it doesn't work out, the things you've learned about yourself during the breakup will make you an even better boyfriend/husband for another man in the future.

[somewanderersarelost]

Thank you. I need to do some serious thinking. Right now, though, I think you're right -- I need to figure out the kids things first. Appreciate your advice!