lovehurts111 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I've been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for over a year now. What bothers me is her ex boyfriend she broke up like 2 years ago and they were together for 6 years. We started talking every day for half a year and she came here and spent with me 3 most amazing weeks of my life. Then she went back and after half year she came here again and stayed with me for 5 months. I know that she loves me, she lost her job and went into lot of debt just to be with me for this 5 months. What bothers me is that she is hanging out with her boyfriend on regular basis while she is not here and it's even worse cause I can't be with her. She didn't want to even tell him about me for very long time and not too sure if she even ever did though she said that she did. Another thing, while she was here I read her messages on facebook and she sent him a message that she knows from the bottom of her heart that nobody will ever treat her as he did. And when I saw that I went through her cell and saw that he was sending her messages like lets get naked, send me a picture of your perfect boobs and staff like that. She never really responded to those messages though. She knew that it bothers me so I saw that she was hanging out with him and not telling me about it. My reaction to it was really bad and I'm not proud of it at all. I really love her and I know that she loves me, but am I being too paranoid that something might happen? I really don't understand why would she sent him such a message and why wouldn't she want to tell him about me. When I asked her bout it, she said that she doesn't want to call a long distance relationship an actual relationship and that she doesn't talk to her ex bout her boyfriends. Not to mention that her ex doesn't have a girlfriend. Any opinions on this matter would be appreciated...
KatZee Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 She carries a torch for her ex. This isn't going to end well for you. First of all, if she had nothing to hide, she wouldn't be hanging out with him behind your back and not telling you about it. Second, she was with him for a very significant amount of time. I'm sure she still loves him and the fact she's telling him that "no one will ever treat me the way you did." That's including you. At the moment, you don't stand up to her ex. If I were you, I'd be out of this situation. It's really not cool that she's doing these things and saying these things behind your back. It's like you're her second choice unless her ex decided to take her back. And I'm pretty sure if he DID decide to go back to her, she'd leave you in a second.
Author lovehurts111 Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 (edited) Well, the thing is that she stopped telling me about hanging out with him after I snapped few times. Before that she was telling me everything. She also gave me her facebook password long time ago so I don't think she wanted to hide something. I'm just really confused... PS and from the messages he was sending to her, it looks like he wants to go back to her. Considering that they are not, I'm guessing that she doesn't want it. Like I said, I love her very much and I'm very confused... But the main questions I'm asking myself are why would she send him such a message and why wouldn't she told him about me? I might add that I acted very jealously few times... Edited March 23, 2013 by lovehurts111
KatZee Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Well, the thing is that she stopped telling me about hanging out with him after I snapped few times. Before that she was telling me everything. She also gave me her facebook password long time ago so I don't think she wanted to hide something. I'm just really confused... OK, so she knows you're not happy with her hanging out with her ex, and instead of saying "I love you and I'm going to focus on you" she now hides it from you, and continues doing whatever she feels like doing. Honestly, it doesn't bode well for the relationship. Add in the fact that you guys are in LDR. I'm sure she's seeing him much more than she's seeing you, and seeing him much more than you're even aware of. How are you confused? You saw her messages in which she's telling her ex she still cares for him and he treated her better than anyone has since. You're letting your girlfriend walk all over you.
Author lovehurts111 Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 I just really love her so much and wanna believe that there is nothing to it and that problem is only in me and that I'm just being insecure. I really didn't act normally when I found out all that, I started yelling and calling her names and I'm so sorry for that. But it's really hard to live with that...
KatZee Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I just really love her so much and wanna believe that there is nothing to it and that problem is only in me and that I'm just being insecure. This will be your downfall. In this relationship, and all other relationships after this one. It's fine to love someone, it's not OK to love someone more than you love yourself. You're letting your love blind you to the very harsh reality of what's going on here. This is no platonic friendship between her and her ex. Especially with the things she's telling him. I can also tell you from first hand experience because I did the same thing to one of MY previous exes. I was with him, but behind his back I was still in contact with my ex. We would flirt, we would say inappropriate things for a girl in a relationship. And I remember one conversation I had with him where I said, "I'm in a relationship. But I'm sure if I was in love with him I wouldn't be having these conversations with you, and I'd feel bad about it. I don't." My boyfriend at the time did the same thing you did. Went through the computer, found the conversations and was devastated. He also did the same thing you're doing. Said he loved me so much and wanted to stay with me. Looking back on that, my ex had no respect for himself. He let me just do all that behind his back and was wiling to just stay and his value in my eyes was less and less. In the end, I wound up leaving that guy for someone else. I wasn't really in love with him and there were things missing for me in that relationship. I'm not proud of it and I felt bad for awhile, I'm just trying to show you what her frame of mind is right now. These are not the actions of a girl in love with you, and once she finds what's missing and she meets someone else, she WILL leave you. I left my ex and he was devastated. He chased me for months. Begged, pleaded. Even after everything I had done he STILL wanted to be with me, put the blame on himself, said he loved me so much and never met a girl he loved so much... it was frankly very pathetic. You don't want to wind up like that guy. This is a very one sided relationship here, your girlfriend doesn't not respect you, she most certainly isn't IN love with you.
Joaquin Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Your feeling insecure seems fairly understandable to me. That feeling is your brain screaming RED FLAG. She is messing with you and your getting suckered in, doubling the emotional investment each time a situation relating to her ex and her duplicity arises. A girl that is committed to you simply wouldn't carry on the way she is. She has told you you guys arent in a relationship. You need to wake up and not lose your self respect over this girl. She ain't good for you.
Author lovehurts111 Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 Thank you so much for your answers, I really appreciate it. I would like more opinions on this matter, especially from girls pov. I have one more question, would it be stupid to show here this tread and would it be too much to ask her to cut every ties with that guy? The thing is that this is my first relationship and I don't have any experience. I'm 28 years old and I was a virgin before her. Sad story but true...
Author lovehurts111 Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 Your feeling insecure seems fairly understandable to me. That feeling is your brain screaming RED FLAG. She is messing with you and your getting suckered in, doubling the emotional investment each time a situation relating to her ex and her duplicity arises. A girl that is committed to you simply wouldn't carry on the way she is. She has told you you guys arent in a relationship. You need to wake up and not lose your self respect over this girl. She ain't good for you. Actually in this 5 months she was here, we did finally pronounced it a relationship... And I might add that I really acted like an idiot when I found out bout her message...
Joaquin Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Actually in this 5 months she was here, we did finally pronounced it a relationship... And I might add that I really acted like an idiot when I found out bout her message... Sorry but I think you staying with her is acting the idiot (I say this in a nice way, as I understand your suffering). Would you not rather a girl that doesn't lie, sneak around and diminish you to another man.
Author lovehurts111 Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 Sorry but I think you staying with her is acting the idiot (I say this in a nice way, as I understand your suffering). Would you not rather a girl that doesn't lie, sneak around and diminish you to another man. I know, but she was really spending thousands of dollars on phone calls to me, she came here, lost her job and got into huge debt just to stay with me. I'm supposed to go there and in a month and be with her. Her dad knows about me and he wants to find me a job so I can be with her. There is too many good things she did for me and I really feel confused. I really do love her and I really believe that she loves me, but I can't understand certain things no matter how hard I try.
darkmoon Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 you wrote "When I asked her bout it, she said that she doesn't want to call a long distance relationship an actual relationship" you acknowledge yourself that she doesn't want to call a long distance relationship a relationship, i think you need to be talk to her about living in the same place you also wrote "she knows from the bottom of her heart that nobody will ever treat her as he did" so treat her better you wanted more opinions, so that's mine, but you're not silly, you know how to do the right things, perhaps she's hinting that she wants more than long journeys from you, it's not like she's dumped you
Joaquin Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I get it. You cant quite join the dots with her. She does nice things in amongst some very crappy things. Focus on what you know about her and how she treats you and make a sensible decision with your head. It does seem your heading for a fall here though. Best of luck.
Author lovehurts111 Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 you wrote "When I asked her bout it, she said that she doesn't want to call a long distance relationship an actual relationship" you acknowledge yourself that she doesn't want to call a long distance relationship a relationship, i think you need to be talk to her about living in the same place you also wrote "she knows from the bottom of her heart that nobody will ever treat her as he did" so treat her better you wanted more opinions, so that's mine, but you're not silly, you know how to do the right things, perhaps she's hinting that she wants more than long journeys from you, it's not like she's dumped you Thank you, finally one positive answer. As I just said I'm supposed go there in a month and be with her. Her dad knows about me and everything. Though I can't really understand why would she send such a message even if she actually felt like that, I don't believe she would do all the things she did if she didn't love me. 1
darkmoon Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 (edited) Thank you, finally one positive answer. As I just said I'm supposed go there in a month and be with her. Her dad knows about me and everything. Though I can't really understand why would she send such a message even if she actually felt like that, I don't believe she would do all the things she did if she didn't love me. well, lively up yourself, a month is quite a long time, make some plans today, and candidly, you should be relying on what you can give her and be to her, not the fact her dad likes you, i think you will have to relocate, she does not like long distance, she's made that clear Edited March 23, 2013 by darkmoon
Author lovehurts111 Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 well, lively up yourself, a month is quite a long time, make some plans today, and candidly, you should be relying on what you can give her and be to her, not the fact her dad likes you, i think you will have to relocate, she does not like long distance, she's made that clear I'm not relying on the fact that her dad likes me really. All I wanted to say is that we're having plans of being finally together and that she cares about me enough to tell about me to her dad.
neveragain34 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Sorry to break it to you, but she is still screwing him. Friends don't ask friends for naked pictures.
kaylan Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 (edited) Shes not over her ex. Break up with her now before shes breaks your heart dude. This is why I dont do LDRs. Its hard to have a relationship with someone you dont see for long stretches of time. Its even harder when one person still has feelings for someone in closer proximity. Dump her and find someone better. PS - Dont date girls who hang with their exes. Thats disrespect and a dealbreaker. I wouldnt be surprised if she has or will cheat on you. Spending time with exes is bad enough, but its even worse in an LDR. Edited March 23, 2013 by kaylan
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