essiexo Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. He's amazing. There's nothing I dislike about him. We argue sometimes, but we've been through so much together and he is literally my best friend. He knows about a guy (We'll call him Jim) that I was "talking to" for over a year. And he knows that I still can't get over him. I'm not cheating. I don't talk to Jim. But emotionally I am cheating. My boyfriend isn't that bothered by it as he does trust me and wants what's best for me. I told him my feelings for this guy Jim and thought we should probably break up as I'm never going to get over it. But he doesn't want to end things. I'm not going to end up with Jim as our situation was too complicated. He lives far away. Our relationship was unstable and unhealthy. We argued a lot. But why can't I just move on? It's been almost 3 years now. I can't even be affectionate with my boyfriend because I want to be affectionate with Jim. It hurts me knowing he's moved on. What can I do? I just want to erase Jim completely.
ls32ssibm Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 You were talking to this guy while you were with your current boyfriend?
mortensorchid Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I know what that's like, for whatever reason you're lingering on someone else because you just are. Why? Maybe in your case you are wondering "what if", or maybe you're not so happy with your currant bf as you say you are. It could be any number of reasons. But ... What exactly is the problem? I am lingering myself, I am lingering over that last obnoxious bf. Why? Intellectually I know that I am better off without him, that he's just an Alpha Male who will destroy everything in his path, but I am lacking companionship and I am lonely. That's why he lingers in my mind, but everyday I will push him further and further away until the hurt goes away completely. ANd it will go away, and I won't whine about it, and you and I both will be better off. Also, I would suggest you find some other things to do with yourself (if you are not already) in order to take your mind off things. Especially working out is good for cleaning all the bad stuff out of you.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. He's amazing. There's nothing I dislike about him. We argue sometimes, but we've been through so much together and he is literally my best friend. He knows about a guy (We'll call him Jim) that I was "talking to" for over a year. And he knows that I still can't get over him. I'm not cheating. I don't talk to Jim. But emotionally I am cheating. My boyfriend isn't that bothered by it as he does trust me and wants what's best for me. I told him my feelings for this guy Jim and thought we should probably break up as I'm never going to get over it. But he doesn't want to end things. I'm not going to end up with Jim as our situation was too complicated. He lives far away. Our relationship was unstable and unhealthy. We argued a lot. But why can't I just move on? It's been almost 3 years now. I can't even be affectionate with my boyfriend because I want to be affectionate with Jim. It hurts me knowing he's moved on. What can I do? I just want to erase Jim completely. Because you are a messed up girl that needs a messed up guy that you can try and fix....happens all the time, I've spoken with a lot of women like you. The guy that just wants to give them everything they want is just too available, and he can everything she wants on paper. Emotionally though you won't be able to pull away from the fantasy, there's a part of you that likes the drama/instability of being with the other guy...the waters are so calm and stable with the current that you don't even know what to do with it....it's too predictable. That's why guys like Jim, usually get the heart....even though the other man get's the girl (physically).
cindyloo Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Because you are a messed up girl that needs a messed up guy that you can try and fix....happens all the time, I've spoken with a lot of women like you. The guy that just wants to give them everything they want is just too available, and he can everything she wants on paper. Emotionally though you won't be able to pull away from the fantasy, there's a part of you that likes the drama/instability of being with the other guy...the waters are so calm and stable with the current that you don't even know what to do with it....it's too predictable. That's why guys like Jim, usually get the heart....even though the other man get's the girl (physically). That's an interesting concept... makes sense given what I hear from girl friends. Why would a woman want to be in an unstable relationship? And what can a guy who is "perfect" (calm waters) do to make the relationship more interesting?
Author essiexo Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 You were talking to this guy while you were with your current boyfriend? No. About a year before. We went no contact.
Author essiexo Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 I know what that's like, for whatever reason you're lingering on someone else because you just are. Why? Maybe in your case you are wondering "what if", or maybe you're not so happy with your currant bf as you say you are. It could be any number of reasons. But ... What exactly is the problem? I am lingering myself, I am lingering over that last obnoxious bf. Why? Intellectually I know that I am better off without him, that he's just an Alpha Male who will destroy everything in his path, but I am lacking companionship and I am lonely. That's why he lingers in my mind, but everyday I will push him further and further away until the hurt goes away completely. ANd it will go away, and I won't whine about it, and you and I both will be better off. Also, I would suggest you find some other things to do with yourself (if you are not already) in order to take your mind off things. Especially working out is good for cleaning all the bad stuff out of you. I feel very similar to you. He makes me feel wanted for some reason.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 (edited) That's an interesting concept... makes sense given what I hear from girl friends. Why would a woman want to be in an unstable relationship? And what can a guy who is "perfect" (calm waters) do to make the relationship more interesting? Just because he's unavailable...women get to imagine and fantasize about something much greater. They over-exaggerate the experience and emotional level/potential in their mind, even though it was just intense/chaotic, hot and cold, push and pull. This also enables a woman to indulge in her self-destructive tendencies and issues, without her being aware of it at the time. This leaves something to gain, something to struggle and fight for, something to fix. They often don't realize many of these men are merely putting on a facade (many do though later on when that man does something completely hypocritical) of intensity and genuine emotion because of the attention and validation they needed when in reality they were doing things for their own selfish reasons and were not as invested emotionally as the woman ever was. But women often convince themselves that these men were...however often times these women exaggerated the substance and later come to find they were chasing something not even that emotional, it was more of a trigger...but in the meantime explain it away with timing, incompatibility, just make better friends...that sort of thing. "Perfect" guys are merely too stable and functional for many women...they fit too easily into the dynamic of their lives and are too conforming. They may not demand, be dissatisfied in any way and even treat the woman as a princess...that makes women see them as weak and less desirable because women also need a man who doesn't let her always get her way and knows how to be in charge and be dominant. These perfect relationship guys need to take a few pointers from the unavailable men...unfortunately they just don't often times have it in them, and they do not know how to be someone they are not...so women don't realize they're asking and desiring two different kinds of men, but they already know they want the "bad boy" they just want him to be the good guy who chooses and changes for her....but he never does, because it's not about her. And if that "perfect relationship guy" does change...he is bitter, cold, jaded and becomes heartless towards other women because of how those other women may have taken advantage him or dumped them in the past, and now all these women want him for essentially being a douchebag. It is quite sad/disheartening as a man to see what women gravitate towards and are attracted to...it definitely makes women look psychotic at times. It's a sad notion to think that it's better to be bad than good, and if you become too "good" a man can lose his appeal...after all, if he was "perfect", he'd be too "calm"...and many women aren't interested in that...I guess I'm lucky to have my issues :: depressive celebration :: Edited March 23, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas 1
KatZee Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 You need to be single. I used to do what you're doing. Using a new guy as a crutch for emotional pain. It never works out b/c your mind is one place and your body is in another. You're with your current boyfriend but not really WITH him. It's not fair to him at all. You need to be alone to get through the emotions to process the end of the past relationship, to grieve, to figure out who YOU are as a human being without having to rely on someone else to try to get you to move on. It's clearly not working. 1
Divasu Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 It is quite sad/disheartening as a man to see what women gravitate towards and are attracted to...it definitely makes women look psychotic at times. It's a sad notion to think that it's better to be bad than good, and if you become too "good" a man can lose his appeal...after all, if he was "perfect", he'd be too "calm"...and many women aren't interested in that...I guess I'm lucky to have my issues :: depressive celebration :: I think you just described the true nature of most human beings. Look at the nature of the threads started on HERE, and see which ones get the most attention... Billy Joel's "Only The Good Die Young" comes to mind. Nonetheless, the problem with women, is their instinct to nurture (that's why God choose women to have babies. ). But, it's also their achilles heel.
Joaquin Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Fortunately there are healthy girls out there who don't crave such relationship drama. When u have one, recognise it and dont let her go easily.
Author essiexo Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 Fortunately there are healthy girls out there who don't crave such relationship drama. When u have one, recognise it and dont let her go easily. Healthy meaning what?
Recommended Posts