tokyo Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 Stupid question: What do you do when you ask a guy out and he says, no? I mean, if you have asked someone at work, university, from your close environment, it´s very likely you´ll meet this person again. And then? What do you do now? Try to act as if nothing has happened? I think I would feel very uncomfortable, I mean, he rejected me, doesn´t really boost my self-esteem. If I ask a guy I meet in the street who I don´t know at all I will not run the risk of seeing him again, but then: Why should I ask a stranger who I don´t know anything about??
bluetuesday Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 come on kooky, you know as well as i do if you ask papillon out he'll say yes.
bluetuesday Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 ok then, seriously. i once asked my boss out. he didn't exactly laugh in my face but the answer was a pretty emphatic 'i'd rather die, thanks.' it hurt like b*ggery for a few days and i was acutely embarrassed but i got over it just in time to see what a complete jerk he was and how wrong we'd have been together. he liked 'em barely legal it turned out, i was nearly 30 at the time. nothing ventured, nothing gained kooky. too long have men had to grow thick skins, risking rejection while doing the asking. it's reckoning day. and working on percentages, the more you ask out the more men are likely to give it a go. so be brave. go forth girl. womankind is with you.
Author tokyo Posted September 10, 2004 Author Posted September 10, 2004 You have courage! I once asked a supervisor from a lab course (after it was over). I send him an email, his answer was no. Ok, I felt brave that I did, but I think I will never be able to talk to him again in a normal way! Thank god, I only had to talk with him months later and I´ve never seen him again since then. If you wait you don´t always get the right guys to ask you and if you do - a quick death would be more merciful, it makes me feel so embarrassed. Was it possible for you to continue working with your boss?
bluetuesday Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 yeah. it was awkward for a couple of weeks, mostly because i was scared he was going to tell everyone (he didn't, to his credit) but i did the sensible thing and never brought it up again and made out i was fabulously happy with my life. new shoes helped too i seem to remember. waiting so often gets you nowhere but there's a fine line between taking any chances life throws at you and grabbing every guy that falls into your path - the reek of desperation ain't a good one. i know, i've had to scrub it off myself a few times and get a life. but if there's a real connection between two people, enough for you to know he's a decent enough guy that should the answer be NO he'll be cool about it, go for it. why would you ask someone out you don't know that well anyway? and if these idiots who turn us down don't realize what amazing, gorgeous, talented, sexy women we are, their loss. someone else just around the corner will fall over themselves to date you, i'm absolutely certain.
chris58 Posted September 11, 2004 Posted September 11, 2004 Originally posted by kooky Stupid question: What do you do when you ask a guy out and he says, no? I mean, if you have asked someone at work, university, from your close environment, it´s very likely you´ll meet this person again. And then? What do you do now? Try to act as if nothing has happened? I think I would feel very uncomfortable, I mean, he rejected me, doesn´t really boost my self-esteem. If I ask a guy I meet in the street who I don´t know at all I will not run the risk of seeing him again, but then: Why should I ask a stranger who I don´t know anything about?? I know where you're coming from kooky ... I often wonder exactly the same thing. What sort of people does one "ask out"? People you already know quite well, people who are just acquaintances, people you just met that day, or what? I asked out a girl from university, she said no, and ever since then I have been forced to see her in classes and in group social outings (say at least once a week, usually more) because we've both ended up in the same group of a dozen or so friends. None of our friends know. She and I talk a bit occasionally but generally just sort of keep out of each other's way; nothing hostile, we don't actively avoid each other, I think we're just not sure what to say to each other. It's very strange and awkward. (I hope it's not nearly as bad for her as it is for me.) This has been going on for over three years. I wouldn't say that I regret asking her exactly, because if I hadn't I would probably still be sitting here thinking about her and "waiting for the right time", no better off, but I do wish that somehow once she'd rejected me I didn't have to live with her right there in front of me all the time. Not so much because her being there is a reminder (although that's part of it), it's more because I'm forced to interact with her and it's hard to know how. Is this the way it usually works if someone is rejected? Do people often ask others out who they are likely to see a lot of in the future, whatever the response? If so, do they usually tell their mutual friends about the rejection? (I'm way too gutless to do this, although I have wondered if it might make things a bit more relaxed somehow. I'm not sure how it could make it worse.) Do they usually act as if nothing happened? Since this has turned out as such a disaster for me, the obvious thing to think is "well, if I don't want to risk that, I'll have to ask girls out who I'm not likely to see again afterwards if they say no" ... but as kooky said, why would you want to ask a stranger out who you hardly know? It seems like a bit of a catch 22 to me. This has *really* got me stumped; any responses greatly appreciated.
chris58 Posted September 11, 2004 Posted September 11, 2004 Sorry, forgot one thing ... perhaps I should mention that that is the only girl I have ever asked out at all, so I don't have any experience with how else it could turn out.
yes Posted September 11, 2004 Posted September 11, 2004 Although it's nice and brave to ask someone out, to avoid situations like this, it's best to do some preliminary work and only ask them out if you're fairly certain they like you back. With this guy, I'd simply be normal - smile, say Hi, don't show that you're hurt, ... if he starts up a conversation, avoid it. good luck, -yes
shamen Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 Originally posted by kooky Stupid question: What do you do when you ask a guy out and he says, no? I mean, if you have asked someone at work, university, from your close environment, it´s very likely you´ll meet this person again. And then? What do you do now? Try to act as if nothing has happened? I think I would feel very uncomfortable, I mean, he rejected me, doesn´t really boost my self-esteem. If I ask a guy I meet in the street who I don´t know at all I will not run the risk of seeing him again, but then: Why should I ask a stranger who I don´t know anything about?? It's not usually a big deal. Actually, one of my best friends is marrying another friend of mine. The friend originally asked me out first. I've never told her (one of my best friends), nor will I ever do so. Not a huge deal. So I said no and he dated one of my friends! Cool, I say. I'm glad that they are happy. I make it a rule never to date a co-worker so as to avoid major weirdness. I don't ask out random guys on the street. I only ask out men that I know at least a little bit. Played some pool with them, met them before, etc. Possibilities. Men I'm interested in that I think may be interested back. Oh, I asked out someone tonight by the way, and he said yes. We're meeting on Wednesday. My hiatus just went out the window!
moimeme Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 Gee. I've turned people down and thought nothing of it - certainly didn't think ill of them, nor has there been any awkwardness since. I also turned someone down who wanted to be my dance partner and we still dance together and he seems fine with it. I guess maybe the thing is to not get too fond of someone before you ask him out because that may be harder on the ol' heart.
spanishlover Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 If you like someone and you fell that you have chemistry, then go for it.!! it doesnt matter if it is someone you know of someone in the street. If you feel that connection and they dont agree and turn you down for a date, the best way to look at it is "hey, there loss" Of course if this is happening to you everytime then maybe you should start to look at kind of partner you really are going for. Dean
Author tokyo Posted September 12, 2004 Author Posted September 12, 2004 I see some people here date several people at the same time. Is this really recommendable? (I actually don´t feel able to do so.) Do they feel a chemistry with all of them or are they just asking whoever seems attractive to them? Am I too picky? (I know that I´m extremly picky.... )
spanishlover Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 Seeing several diffrent people at once is fine if thats what you and the other people want. These people that are seeing 7 people dont so much as have chemistry because chemistry involves so many diffrent things, not just how someone looks. i would call it lust! a sexual attraction thats it. Being picky is not bad , im picky. thats why im still single. i dont believe i have to rush into a relationship that im not sure i want to be into. Some people feel that they have to be in a relatioship all the time. when in fact they dont need. I would say take your time , be picky and enjoy being single . because when your not. you will look back and say. MMmmm i had a good time then. Dean
Honesty Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 Originally posted by kooky Stupid question: What do you do when you ask a guy out and he says, no? I mean, if you have asked someone at work, university, from your close environment, it´s very likely you´ll meet this person again. And then? What do you do now? Try to act as if nothing has happened? I think I would feel very uncomfortable, I mean, he rejected me, doesn´t really boost my self-esteem. If I ask a guy I meet in the street who I don´t know at all I will not run the risk of seeing him again, but then: Why should I ask a stranger who I don´t know anything about?? Sometimes in life you have to take your chances! It's better to know if he will say yes or no than to never know and be left with the uncertainty.
spanishlover Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 Honesty , this is very true. you are a very wise female arnt you . AS Honesty as said, unless you give ut ur best shot you will never know. You only live once! Dean
Honesty Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 Originally posted by spanishlover Honesty , this is very true. you are a very wise female arnt you . AS Honesty as said, unless you give ut ur best shot you will never know. You only live once! Thanks for the compliment I just learn from experience.
spanishlover Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 Unfortunatly so have i and im only surprisingly 22.
spanishlover Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 How funny is that, you dont get that many people our age that have had a lot of experiance. i still give a lot of my friends advise and they are in there 30's because they havnt has much experiance as myself. Dean
Author tokyo Posted September 12, 2004 Author Posted September 12, 2004 Well, I´m nearly 28 and sometimes I do feel lonely sometimes. On the other I really don´t meet people I want to stay with. There are guys who ask me, but I don´t want to go out with them, so I thought I should change my tactics now Thanks Honesty and Spanishlover.
spanishlover Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 Kooky, get get lonley sometimes. i believe that all single people miss the company of another especially if you have been single for a while like myself. Now you have changed your tatics, let me know how you get on. if the resuklts are good. i might consider changing mine. Dean
Honesty Posted September 12, 2004 Posted September 12, 2004 Originally posted by kooky Well, I´m nearly 28 and sometimes I do feel lonely sometimes. On the other I really don´t meet people I want to stay with. There are guys who ask me, but I don´t want to go out with them, so I thought I should change my tactics now Thanks Honesty and Spanishlover. You are very much welcome Sometimes we have to change our way of thinking to realize what our potential really is. Who knows, by asking someone out you might find your SO who was too shy to ask such a radiant woman out and now is glad that she did it. If it feels right GO FOR IT!
amerikajin Posted September 25, 2004 Posted September 25, 2004 The best thing to do is to do your homework before you ask. I can't speak from a woman's perspective, but I think the same rules generally apply if you're going to be the one to do the asking. You look for the "buying signals", like whether he asks about you and your interests, what you do in your free time etc. Don't expect him to touch you, though. I try to avoid the mistake of touching a girl (even so much as a gentle pat on the shoulder or arm) - I don't want to be seen as invading a woman's space, and a lot of other guys are like that, too. If you don't get any buying signals, then asking him out is a little risky I suppose. Of course, the only thing you risk is your pride. Everyone gets disappointed and feels a little slighted when they get rejected, but it's important just to remain positive. When I get rejected, I allow myself a day or an evening to get disappointed, and then I move on. In my case, I already have other prospects I'll ask out, so it's not like I need that person anyway. Not everyone agrees with this approach, but I think that when you go for just one at a time, you have a tendency to build the person up to be someone much more important than they really are. The reality is, it's just a date, it's just a chance to get to sit and talk with someone for a couple of hours to find out more about them. It's not like you're proposing to them, so it's no big deal. If you make it a big deal, then you'll be setting yourself up for much more disappointment than it's worth. Save your ulcers for real crises - like when things aren't going so well in a long-term relationship.
Author tokyo Posted September 25, 2004 Author Posted September 25, 2004 The problem in my eyes is - you see this person again after a rejection!? How do you treat them afterwards???
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