Reconciliation

[ThatJustHappened]

This question came up in another thread, and I didn't want to thread jack. There are a LOT of people around here who believe reconciliation never works. I'm curious to know what everyone else thinks about that.

 

Is reconciliation ALWAYS futile?

 

I'll start.

 

He dumped me because he lost his job and freaked out about the future. We tried dating a few weeks after the break up and it was a disaster. I was pushy and I guilted him about dumping me, and I was extremely insecure, and he still wasn't working and was still nervous about the future. It was like putting a band aid on a gushing wound. We fought constantly, but we were stubborn and we held on for 10 months. The more I pushed, the colder he got and the sadder I became. It was awful. We finally gave up after one last horrendous fight where we said nasty things to each other and told each other we never wanted to see each other again.

 

The reconciliation didn't work because it was too soon. Neither of us had healed from the break up and NOTHING HAD CHANGED! The same problem that caused the break up was still a problem- he was still worried about the future and unsure what he wanted, and I wasn't over the fact that he'd dumped me and broken my heart.

 

In my opinion, this is the problem with reconciliation in most cases..people want it too soon. They want that instant relief of just having the person back in their lives without changing anything. You broke up for a reason. If that reason hasn't changed, the reconciliation won't work.

 

Fast forward to now- We had 3 or 4 months of VERY LC (we never went NC..I don't really know why..). I had a problem with my car and panicked and texted him (he fixes cars in his spare time and he used to take care of mine), and he asked me to come over one weekend so he could look at it, and he wanted to have dinner afterwards. The spark was still there. We've seen each other twice a week since then (it's been about a month).

 

I'm very calm about it..I don't have that desperate obsessive feeling that I used to. I know I'll be ok no matter what happens..with him or without him. It's not the relationship we used to have..I wouldn't even call it a relationship yet. We are seeing each other. It feels completely new and completely different from what we used to have. I am cautiously happy but I'm not falling. I'm keeping my feet on the ground. I'm still dating other people, and both the ex and I are in therapy (separately).

 

To answer my own question..I think reconciliation is pointless if nothing has changed..my situation proved this. If you try to get back together too soon, or just to scratch an itch, it WILL NOT WORK. But if you give it time, and you genuinely start a new relationship instead of trying to scrape your old one off the ground and put it back together..you might have a chance.

 

I'm looking for general opinions on reconciliation..not opinions on my own personal situation. I shared my story to illustrate my point.

[SharkTooth]

I'm certain that you are right about getting back to soon. I also think, and I am included here, that we are simply afraid of change, the loneliness, and the unknown of what's to come down the road. It's awful to feel defeated and think you are a failure when it comes to love. It's a type of insecurity we all have but don't want to admit. So we grasp on to familiarity and the love we absolutely knew was there at one time. We are human and fix things almost everyday of our lives, why would fixing a relationship be so hard? I would guess that we are not thinking clearly, oblivious to the obvious which isn't that hard to comprehend. The other person has experienced a change in their feelings towards us and I'm sure most of us know why that is. It's accepting it and taking responsibility for it that is very hard to do, but I really believe that the hardest part is to realize that we, you, and all of us, have to learn how to become happy with ourselves first. This is where the time part comes in. This part takes time. Your post is the second I've read today where the OP has discovered that the person that you loved so much a short time ago, may not be the person you want to move forward with. Why? I'm guessing because you guys have had some time to clear your head and learned to be happy without the ex. You're thinking clearly. I'm certain you've finally understood that the love of your life who had a change of heart, may not be the one you thought they were, but because of the love you shared not so long ago, you want to get to know them again. And that's when you'll know if reconciliation is the path you want to take.

 

BTW. Awesome progress! It's refreshing to hear you made it out alive!

[Bigcitydreamer]

Great thread IMO! I am wondering the same thing myself. My ex dumped me and so I moved very very far away. 8000kms away! Now he wants to reconcile and wants me to come back and live with him again but I am worried that not enough time has passed for him or I to be thinking clearly. I don't want to go back and have the same issues come up. He doesn't seem to have learned much yet as he is still phrasing things selfishly. Telling me it hurts him that I've moved and it's not fair for him to be left by himself meanwhile he dumped me and I had to make DRASTIC changes. He still has very little empathy for me and I don't think he is happy with himself yet.

 

On one hand I think the above and think I should give it a couple of months and save up my money before moving back with him so that we can both make sure we love eachother and not just miss the relationship.

 

On the other hand if we know we want to work it out should I just go back now? I don't want him to forget about me and move on after those few months. Maybe he will prefer being alone after some time. But does that mean his love for me wasn't strong enough to begin with or is it natural to move on if we are so far away. He isn't contacting me constantly like he used to when we went out. Now it's sporadic and angry because he thinks I screwed him over!

[ThatJustHappened]

Excellent post Shark! I completely agree with you about fear being a huge motivating factor in wanting to reconcile.

 

And thanks. I'm really happy with where I am right now. We do still love each other and it's nice to be able to see him again, but I know I'll be ok no matter what happens with us and it's allowing me to not feel the need to pressure him, which in turn makes him more relaxed around me. I'm being realistic and staying grounded.

 

Incidentally, I also have a new job that I absolutely LOVE.. I've made changes in my own life that have nothing to do with him and that's helpful too.

[ThatJustHappened]

Great thread IMO! I am wondering the same thing myself. My ex dumped me and so I moved very very far away. 8000kms away! Now he wants to reconcile and wants me to come back and live with him again but I am worried that not enough time has passed for him or I to be thinking clearly. I don't want to go back and have the same issues come up. He doesn't seem to have learned much yet as he is still phrasing things selfishly. Telling me it hurts him that I've moved and it's not fair for him to be left by himself meanwhile he dumped me and I had to make DRASTIC changes. He still has very little empathy for me and I don't think he is happy with himself yet.

 

On one hand I think the above and think I should give it a couple of months and save up my money before moving back with him so that we can both make sure we love eachother and not just miss the relationship.

 

On the other hand if we know we want to work it out should I just go back now? I don't want him to forget about me and move on after those few months. Maybe he will prefer being alone after some time. But does that mean his love for me wasn't strong enough to begin with or is it natural to move on if we are so far away. He isn't contacting me constantly like he used to when we went out. Now it's sporadic and angry because he thinks I screwed him over!

 

Yeesh..if he's angry at you, why would you want to live with him?? Trust me, I thought the same thing. They don't forget. I would say stay in LC and let him calm down, and really think about what you want before you make a huge move like that.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Yeah good question! It's making me not want to go back compared to if he was being extremely nice and thinking about how I have been affected by all of this! He is quite selfish and is the BIGGEST mama's boy I have ever met in my life. Not an exaggeration. I don't think they get much worse than him in that department! He has great qualities though, qualities that I will certainly be looking for in my next partner if we don't get back together. He begged me to stay and work on things but I felt I had to go because of multiple factors (dad bought me a plane ticket, gave me a lot of $, and didn't want me back with him..) but I've spoken with my dad and it turns out he doesn't really hate him and said if I wanted to go back with him he would support me either way. I made a lot of mistakes in my relationship and I can't deny that. I don't take all of the blame but I took him for granted and was condescending which I regret very much! So I know I would like to try again but the way he is coming across at the moment is that if I don't go back soon he wants to move on for his sanity. Even though I bring up military people or celebrities or other people who have to go long periods of time without their SO.

 

It's because of him that I'm in this mess in the first place. I want him to take time to deal with his anger issues and to really ask himself if it's me he wants because we were together for 2.5 years and I'm 25 and would like to get married and have kids soon. Don't want to waste my time with someone who doesn't want to progress in that way.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Sorry for highjacking the thread btw, so to answer your original question,

 

I definitely believe in reconciliation because I've seen it happen many times before. Some have reconciled in a short time and some it took a couple of years to reconcile. I have a friend who just broke up with her bf. they were only apart for a month. She was the dumper but took him back because he promised to change and he had serious issues. They've been back together for about 2 months now and he hasn't changed much in my opinion. He seemed to make a few changes, like apologizing for his bad moods and not getting as angry as before (it's my ex's cousin, anger seems to run in the family). But he still hasn't changed that much and she still struggles with his behaviors. She doesn't regret reconciling though.

 

Then I have another friend who broke up with her long term bf because he had issues she couldn't handle either. She moved out and in a month they got back together. This time it was perfect though. He realized he wanted to marry her and now they are more solid then ever before! So it seems to depend on the level of the problems and the personalities of each party.

 

Another example is another of my friends got dumped by a guy she adored. They fought ALL the time. He left her and she got in another serious relationship that lasted 2 years. She got pregnant and had to have an abortion because the baby had serious issues. Much more serious then Down syndrome or something you could manage. Anyway, she ended up breaking up with that bf and saw her ex (the one who dumped her) at a bar, they reconnected and got back together! And I'm certain they will get married. They are perfect for eachother. So the evidence is pretty inconclusive from my experiences and what I have seen lol. But I do think taking some time apart is the best bet. If time apart only makes them get over you, then I guess they couldn't have loved you that that much? Hard to say..

[iouaname]

I do think that reconciliation is possible, but I think that the relationship needs to be starting on a fresh foundation.

 

I know of many people who have gotten back together with their exes (usually always when the male is the dumper), and I know of several exes of friends' and family members' who came back over the years. The ones who actually took their exes back have worked out thus far, and the people who didn't take their exes back seem to be happy and moved on! In the end, it all works out...

[marklarsson]

Sorry for highjacking the thread btw, so to answer your original question,

 

I definitely believe in reconciliation because I've seen it happen many times before. Some have reconciled in a short time and some it took a couple of years to reconcile. I have a friend who just broke up with her bf. they were only apart for a month. She was the dumper but took him back because he promised to change and he had serious issues. They've been back together for about 2 months now and he hasn't changed much in my opinion. He seemed to make a few changes, like apologizing for his bad moods and not getting as angry as before (it's my ex's cousin, anger seems to run in the family). But he still hasn't changed that much and she still struggles with his behaviors. She doesn't regret reconciling though.

 

Then I have another friend who broke up with her long term bf because he had issues she couldn't handle either. She moved out and in a month they got back together. This time it was perfect though. He realized he wanted to marry her and now they are more solid then ever before! So it seems to depend on the level of the problems and the personalities of each party.

 

Another example is another of my friends got dumped by a guy she adored. They fought ALL the time. He left her and she got in another serious relationship that lasted 2 years. She got pregnant and had to have an abortion because the baby had serious issues. Much more serious then Down syndrome or something you could manage. Anyway, she ended up breaking up with that bf and saw her ex (the one who dumped her) at a bar, they reconnected and got back together! And I'm certain they will get married. They are perfect for eachother. So the evidence is pretty inconclusive from my experiences and what I have seen lol. But I do think taking some time apart is the best bet. If time apart only makes them get over you, then I guess they couldn't have loved you that that much? Hard to say..

 

when both parties want to get back together it more than likely will happen. until then reconciling is impossible.

[blue_jay_bird]

Well its said that couples that split up a lot before getting married are much more unhappy. EVEN if their is reconciliation, that does not mean happiness.

 

Reconciliation does not = Happiness

 

Moving on = Happiness

[travelonic]

Well its said that couples that split up a lot before getting married are much more unhappy. EVEN if their is reconciliation, that does not mean happiness.

 

Reconciliation does not = Happiness

 

Moving on = Happiness

 

Please dmoving on in the context of this thread, the OP's question, etc.

[misswillow]

Over the course of a 2.5 year relationship, my ex broke up with me two other times, and we got back together both times within about a week, after much begging on his part. But I think it was too soon because we never worked on anything that caused the breakups in the first place, we just wanted the pain from being apart to stop. This breakup we are in now seems more final and has lasted longer, and I know I can never take him back again because I could never trust he just won't do it again. But maybe if we had taken more time apart in the past and tried to work on things, our reconciliation could have worked. Or maybe we would have realized we weren't really meant to be.

[ThatJustHappened]

Yeah good question! It's making me not want to go back compared to if he was being extremely nice and thinking about how I have been affected by all of this! He is quite selfish and is the BIGGEST mama's boy I have ever met in my life. Not an exaggeration. I don't think they get much worse than him in that department! He has great qualities though, qualities that I will certainly be looking for in my next partner if we don't get back together. He begged me to stay and work on things but I felt I had to go because of multiple factors (dad bought me a plane ticket, gave me a lot of $, and didn't want me back with him..) but I've spoken with my dad and it turns out he doesn't really hate him and said if I wanted to go back with him he would support me either way. I made a lot of mistakes in my relationship and I can't deny that. I don't take all of the blame but I took him for granted and was condescending which I regret very much! So I know I would like to try again but the way he is coming across at the moment is that if I don't go back soon he wants to move on for his sanity. Even though I bring up military people or celebrities or other people who have to go long periods of time without their SO.

 

It's because of him that I'm in this mess in the first place. I want him to take time to deal with his anger issues and to really ask himself if it's me he wants because we were together for 2.5 years and I'm 25 and would like to get married and have kids soon. Don't want to waste my time with someone who doesn't want to progress in that way.

 

You're 25 and you want to have kids soon????

[Bigcitydreamer]

Yes lol, well not super soon but I want more than 1 so hopefully I will get the chance within the next couple of years! Too bad things hardly ever go according to plan! Haha

[Bigcitydreamer]

You think 25 is young??

[ThatJustHappened]

Extremely! Where are you from (general area, not your address, haha)? That might be why we see things so differently..

[Bigcitydreamer]

East coast of Canada so it's not so much location I wouldn't say with you being from the US. I have friends who would never have children so young and I also have friends who had children younger then that!

 

I guess I'm just through with the party scene and don't much care to drink or go out anymore and most of my friends are still really into that which sucks! My ex also wanted kids fairly young for the same reason. Ready to settle down I guess! Still hoping to reconcile and it's a slow going. I do see a reconciliation in our future but the question is will it last? I'm trying to take things slow so we don't end up screwing things up but he wants to reconcile right now and have me move back across Canada. He was the dumper so I'm hesitant.

[singme2sleep]

when both parties want to get back together it more than likely will happen. until then reconciling is impossible.

 

I agree but someone has to extend the olive branch first, and that's moreso the job of the dumper.

[singme2sleep]

But I do think taking some time apart is the best bet. If time apart only makes them get over you, then I guess they couldn't have loved you that that much? Hard to say..

 

I totally agree!!!! I also think that with male dumpers they come back more than female dumpers. It seems like men are more inclined to breakup in haste or just realize they were wrong down the line. But with females they tend to know for sure if someone is or isn't right for them, so when they are the dumpers it tends to stick. I'm not sayingt all the time, there are exceptions...

[oracle]

I reconcilled a year in only to repeat history 14yrs later the same way.. The excuses were different... but the scenario and MO was identical.

 

People evolve, alter behavour and beliefs.. but those core traits that make them who they are will always be there down deep.

 

Always think of the very big picture when looking at the conflict that drove you apart.

[ThatJustHappened]

I reconcilled a year in only to repeat history 14yrs later the same way.. The excuses were different... but the scenario and MO was identical.

 

People evolve, alter behavour and beliefs.. but those core traits that make them who they are will always be there down deep.

 

Always think of the very big picture when looking at the conflict that drove you apart.

 

Totally agree! If someone can fall out of love once, they can fall out of love again. If they can cheat once, they can cheat again. It all depends on the reasons behind the break up.

[lovnlost]

Add the variable of a rebound. Im the dumper that realized I was wrong. I extended the olive branch. Singme2sleep...if what say is true about women moving on more concretely, then may ex, who now became the dumper and entered an immediate rebound may never come back as she may have suffered that fear as mentioned here.

[Am4Real]

Partially correct.

 

Without dual interest and desire the process will not start, however a good majority of other posters have identified many key factors to the process being successful.

 

Adding another dimension I believe adds opportunity is a break up in haste, the first offence only, is repairable is a few days or even a week. Beyond that it goes to the points we have made throughout this thread.

 

Alternatively to this short time period, I believe the odds are best when much time has passed, six months, maybe more. It is this extended time period which also contributes to the lack of interest as one or both of the parties has moved on...which brings it all full circle back to your point and post.

 

That makes your post partially right "with a twist", LOL

 

 

when both parties want to get back together it more than likely will happen. until then reconciling is impossible.

[ThatJustHappened]

Partially correct.

 

Without dual interest and desire the process will not start, however a good majority of other posters have identified many key factors to the process being successful.

 

Adding another dimension I believe adds opportunity is a break up in haste, the first offence only, is repairable is a few days or even a week. Beyond that it goes to the points we have made throughout this thread.

 

Alternatively to this short time period, I believe the odds are best when much time has passed, six months, maybe more. It is this extended time period which also contributes to the lack of interest as one or both of the parties has moved on...which brings it all full circle back to your point and post.

 

That makes your post partially right "with a twist", LOL

 

Well..I kind of agree with you here and I know what you're saying but... He said reconciliation will happen if both parties want it to..he didn't say successful reconciliation.

 

I have to add- in order for reconciliation to be successful, the issues that caused the break up the first time around have to be solved, or at least the couple has to address them and work on them.

[Am4Real]

No argument from me on that.

 

I don't view a reconciliation as a success or a failure, my definition is simply they agree to revisit themselves with each other or "settle" in with the thought of opening communication. What they do next either leads to a relationship or non-relationship based on reconciliation.

 

I'm not trying to slice hairs, although it might seem like a play on words.

 

What I hope to convey is there are plenty of people out there, broken up, where there is no way in HEii the two would ever speak or contemplate a discussion.

 

Chance of Reconciliation = ZERO

 

There are people where time has passed, short or long, where a conversation would be inviting.

 

Change of Reconciliation = YES, possible.

 

There are so many factors and variables that could be involved at time of discussion and post first contact, that no one can comment with any certainty or even state a probability there is a chance to rebirth a relationship. Every situation and couple are different. [highlight]Like relationship DNA![/highlight]

 

My point is that as time goes on, tempers cool, forgiveness can begin, emotions level out, thoughts enter the mind with openness.

 

In so many breakups the aforementioned descriptive are far from possible in those first weeks and months -- only time can challenge these if anything at all, hence I believe reconciliation, that first discussion is most likely after months have passed.

 

As a reminder, moving on and becoming indifferent is equally benefited by time!

 

[highlight]Relationship DNA![/highlight] It is different and unique to each of us because there is another person involved with their own unique relationship DNA.

 

 

 

 

Well..I kind of agree with you here and I know what you're saying but... He said reconciliation will happen if both parties want it to..he didn't say successful reconciliation.

 

I have to add- in order for reconciliation to be successful, the issues that caused the break up the first time around have to be solved, or at least the couple has to address them and work on them.