BlackWalker Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Basically, I don't have a lot of confidence. I've been in dark place for the last couple years or so and my confidence is really low at the moment. I can approach girls, but I get really jittery and nervous and don't know what to say. I end up stuttering and trembling because of the nerves. I have suffered from depression in the past, and I also still suffer from slight anxiety/social anxiety, so in clubs or bars I'm even more of a wreck. At times I just feel like I don't belong within humanity as my confidence is that low. People say try online dating, but then if we connected i would eventually have to take them on a date and I would be worried about my nerves/anxiousness ruining it for me. Do you have any suggestions? I am 24 years old, so I don't want to feel like this.
chex Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Recognizing the problem is half the battle! There's only one way to increase confidence, and that is practice! Shove yourself into social situations. Go out to a bar alone when you know no one you know will be there, and try to talk to some people, men or women, attractive or unattractive, just go in with no expectations, no strings attached.
iKING Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 By stopping caring what people think of you and being content with yourself. 1
Author BlackWalker Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 Recognizing the problem is half the battle! There's only one way to increase confidence, and that is practice! Shove yourself into social situations. Go out to a bar alone when you know no one you know will be there, and try to talk to some people, men or women, attractive or unattractive, just go in with no expectations, no strings attached. Thanks, it's just that people in my area are nosy. Where I live, people seem to know everyone, or at least know someone who know's someone etc. I really wish I could move away and start life again, but it's difficult at the moment. I don't think I could go into a bar on my own though, that would be a little bit hard for me.
RedRobin Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I think it starts with being confident around most people... men and women... all ages and walks of life. Once you develop some confidence in your overall people skills, it becomes easier to branch out into things that are a bit more high-stakes like dating. Also, as they say, practice makes perfect. Everyone has to start somewhere! 1
KathyM Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I think you would benefit from seeing a therapist to work with you on your social anxiety. She would help you with relaxation techniques to calm your nerves, would help you boost your self esteem, would help you to uncover the underlying self defeating beliefs that are contributing to your social anxiety and work to resolve those self defeating beliefs. She would also probably suggest exposure therapy (forcing you to face your fears in graduating increments until your anxiety is reduced). She would also probably work on role playing with you where you could practice your approach and practice showing confidence with women. That would be my recommendation. 1
insertnamehere Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Exercise. Nothing builds confidence like getting into better shape!
Apolodor Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Recognizing the problem is half the battle! There's only one way to increase confidence, and that is practice! Shove yourself into social situations. Go out to a bar alone when you know no one you know will be there, and try to talk to some people, men or women, attractive or unattractive, just go in with no expectations, no strings attached. That's not a universal solution, it won't work for everyone. The best option you have is to acknowledge that you have a problem and to try to understand yourself better. Once you've done this, look for romantic developments in places where you feel comfortable. Gaining confidence is not like swimming. Putting yourself in situations involving large crowds (e.g., bars, clubs, etc) will probably not do you much good -- it can in fact make your problems far worse. 1
JackieChiles Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Be social with EVERYONE. Guys and girls. Get a sense of who you are, and how to portray it onto people. I don't really talk to girls much differently than I talk to guys. I probably just talk more to girls when I am interested in them. My sense of humor is my sense of humor. It doesn't change depending on the gender of the person I'm talking to. Neither does the rest of me. I think just get out there and start being social with everyone, and understand that if you are well-liked by the masses, then who cares if you're talking to a guy or a girl?
Author BlackWalker Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 That's not a universal solution, it won't work for everyone. The best option you have is to acknowledge that you have a problem and to try to understand yourself better. Once you've done this, look for romantic developments in places where you feel comfortable. Gaining confidence is not like swimming. Putting yourself in situations involving large crowds (e.g., bars, clubs, etc) will probably not do you much good -- it can in fact make your problems far worse. Where do you suggest I go to gain confidence? I would like to approach girls in the street randomly, but i chicken out at the last minute and overthink things. I feel like I'll come off as a bit of a creeper. I would much rather a girl show me interest first, but even then i sometimes hesitate to approach in case i mess up what i want to say and get too nervous.
Estate Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Basically, I don't have a lot of confidence. I've been in dark place for the last couple years or so and my confidence is really low at the moment. I can approach girls, but I get really jittery and nervous and don't know what to say. I end up stuttering and trembling because of the nerves. I have suffered from depression in the past, and I also still suffer from slight anxiety/social anxiety, so in clubs or bars I'm even more of a wreck. At times I just feel like I don't belong within humanity as my confidence is that low. People say try online dating, but then if we connected i would eventually have to take them on a date and I would be worried about my nerves/anxiousness ruining it for me. Do you have any suggestions? I am 24 years old, so I don't want to feel like this. It's not easy to do anything you're not used to doing. Just practice, don't fixate on the outcome, start talking to girls just to ask the time, then a little conversation and work up to actually showing interest. Baby steps. But it's like anything.... first time you drove a car, you were probably nervous and unsure of yourself or things around you.... then it just becomes natural the more you do it.
Feelin Frisky Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 The key to finally over-coming shyness is to develop the self-discipline of realizing that everyone else are thinking about how they are perceived. They are only marginally considering you. What you feel is what a goodly percentage of all people feel. It's a flood of fight or flight adenline that comes on naturally which would could deal with systematically without medicine (or self-medication with alcohol) by reforming education to have "social development" foundations and routines that make sure all students act in varying roles and understand how feelings work. Instead, we still largely have a "factory model" which only addresses knowledge, test score and competition while behind the backs of authority social defaults to ridicule and bullying play out unchecked. IMO, if our priorities were straightened out we'd build our own social conduits where people could openly communicate about their longer term agendas and what not. Thowing a bunch of post-pubescent raging hormone young persons into a bar full of loud music and lots of posturing makes for a lot of drunk people making stupid mistakes. You want to meet someone, do everything there is to do except go to bars. Go to continuing ed, take dance lessons, whatever you have to do to get exposure to women where the next obvious thing to say floows what you are both doing. But making small talk in a bar and exp0ecting that you are being totally scrtutinized will make you flutter. I often recommend SSRI anti-depressants which helped me stop blushing but they don't get you the girl. If your sick of feeling the way you do you can get help. It doesn't mean you're sick--just sick of being nervous socially. But looking to bars as the standard testing ground is a flawed logic. You want to meet decent women on the upswing and not teeie boppers who like to impress each other by being cruel to a "sucker". 1
apple OR orange Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 1 - Stop expecting to sleep with women 2 - Do everything yourself (have your own life, dont base it on anywhere else, this may not be realistic as means you ARE an alpha male) 3 - Be very good at your job 4 - Dont tell women about your job or what you have (as you dont care what they think, aka "what do you do for work", answer from you "product development manager", see sounds sooo nice, but you dont say anything else). This will then start you getting women interested in you IF you are the type they would do sex with, and this is can be a problem, i call it DNA sex, most dont like the idea, however your see the proof when youtry the above.
jcrew11 Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Get a dog. It will also help pick up girls for you. 1
Author BlackWalker Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 1 - Stop expecting to sleep with women 2 - Do everything yourself (have your own life, dont base it on anywhere else, this may not be realistic as means you ARE an alpha male) 3 - Be very good at your job 4 - Dont tell women about your job or what you have (as you dont care what they think, aka "what do you do for work", answer from you "product development manager", see sounds sooo nice, but you dont say anything else). This will then start you getting women interested in you IF you are the type they would do sex with, and this is can be a problem, i call it DNA sex, most dont like the idea, however your see the proof when youtry the above. I think that's the problem. I don't actually have any direction in life at the moment, so that makes me feel like crap. Everyone else seems to know where they are going or are at least in education, whereas I have no idea where my life is going at the moment. it makes me feel slightly depressed.
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