look forward Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 I am so frustrated I dont know whats wrong with me.. My story in a nutshell I was with someone for nearly nine years he broke,stamped and ripped my heart out that was about 18 months ago its been a slow and steady process but I can honestly say I am now on the striaght and narrow.. About four months ago I started dating this guy from work he was a really sweet guy and there was always an attraction between us..anyway we were so into each other I was permanently with him he made me laugh, treated me like a princess bought me anything i wanted.. seriously ladies this guy is one in a million i mean he is 50 times the man my ex was.. yet here in lies the problem I wake up one day a few weeks ago and decide that I cant stand to be near him and want nothing more to do with it.. I think its just me being pre-menstral or something but the nagging that i want out wont go away.. this guy lives about an hours drive away from me and I start using excuses like i cant be bothered to drive over there because I am too tired ( bearing in mind that I was happily driving over there for four months).. My question is is this normal, I told him last week that I couldn't do it anymore after he started to question the way i was acting towards him.. I have really hurt this guy as he says he is in love with me.. But i want to be in love with him and be all lovey dovey like we were in the beginnin but i cant.. WHY WHY WHY?? he is a lovely guy do you think i am horrible??? I feel terrible all my friends think I am mad he is perfect yet why dont I see it?? any views on this would be greatly appreciated Thanks
savethedrama4allama Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 Sounds like he was your "rebound" guy. It doesn't matter how great he is...after a few months, you get sick of your rebound. Thats what has happened to me. Not that you ever go into it KNOWING they are a rebound, but in a few months it becomes apparent when despite their good qualities and the fact that they treat you well, you are no longer interested. Sounds cold- but I bet you are no longer interested because he "served his purpose" in helping you get over the one who broke your heart. He treated you like a princess and made you feel special, showed you that you are desirable and worthy of love. But that doesn't mean he's the one for you! If he's not, please let him go right away so that he can shower his affections on someone who feels as strongly about him in return. Respectfully, Savethedrama
fredrolin Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 He could be a rebound guy or the fact that he is SO good to you and so nice, there is no challenge. One of my ex girlfriends is like this. She meets the nicest guys that treat her like gold and she can't stand them. She is attracted to "bad boys" or guys that aren't easy to catch. When things are just handed to you, easy to obtain or plentiful, you don't appreciate them as much.
Author look forward Posted September 10, 2004 Author Posted September 10, 2004 Savethedrama thanks for responding.. I refused to believe he was a rebound but i think your right I feel really guilty about him but thats the only feeling I feel I dont think about him that much in anyway at all now when he calls me and tells me that he is missing me I have hardly thought about him and i think sh*t why havent I thought about him... I feel really bad. I never thought I would ever treat anyone like that least of all him.. basically I have used the guy now I feel like a complete b*tch.. I have already ended it and am encouraging him to move on and keep telling him that I hope we can still be friends but I think I am just hurting him more when i say that.. oh god what a nightmare I never even realised
Author look forward Posted September 10, 2004 Author Posted September 10, 2004 fredrolin I think there may be some truth on what your saying too.. It just got too m uch he was doing everything for me short of brushing my own teeth.. I would find myself snapping at him and telling him that I am well capable of getting myself a drink or making my own lunch.. in the end he just got on my nerves.. he would always say " but i just want to look after you" which i would reply I dont need to be looked after cant we just be equal.. the thing is I am feel so guilty and now feel like a really bad person but maybe your right he just wasn't for me.. I find it hard to believe that I used him but maybe I did that too.. Its hard as he keeps texting me telling me how miserable he is without me and I just dont know what to say to the guy...
fredrolin Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 just be honest. Yes this guy sounds very insecure. He was overdoing it, trying to hard to please you, care for you. I am sure he was wishy washy too. He was so worried about losing you he bent over backwards to please you. Am I right? Women don't want a man like this. A man should have self respect, be confident, stand up for himself, make a decision, be able to say no.
Author look forward Posted September 10, 2004 Author Posted September 10, 2004 Ohmy god fredrolin you are so right spot on in fact.. he was very wishy washy and yes he was bending over backwards at first i thought it was sweet then i just thought this guys needs to relax and calm down but he never did.. Your right I will not put this all on myself as he pushed me away to a certain extent.. I kept telling him to stop trying to do everything for me.. we would put a film on to watch then he would go rushing into the bedroom to find me a pillow for my back so i was comfy i mean please what am i 90?? what your saying makes complete sense he just wasn't right for me simple..maybe in time we can be friends and I can maybe help him to sort himself out so he doesn't make that same mistake again Thanks I dont feel like a witch now!!
born2day Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 It is good to hear you are moving on. But before you place all the fault on him don't forget what happened to you "he broke,stamped and ripped my heart out". I think you are still carrying alot of anger over this previous relationship. You have to "want" to forgive the first guy before you can move on and have a real loving relationship. This is just my opinion and I don't know all the circumstances. Just something for you to think about. All the best!
fredrolin Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 After my first relationship fell apart (almost 20 years ago) (she cheated on me) I have never felt the same loving feelings about another woman since. After being hurt so bad by my first love I have always been on guard and looked at relationships in a practical way, thinking with my brain and not my heart. I am sure I am missing out on alot of love and romance. I have been with my wife for 10 years and we are happy, but not "in love".
savethedrama4allama Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 fredrolin, does your wife know that? Your posts make me paranoid.
fredrolin Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama fredrolin, does your wife know that? Your posts make me paranoid. sure. we have been to counseling but it didn't do much good. she and I both know that if our daughter wasn't born 8 years ago the odds of us still being together today are very slim.
Author look forward Posted September 10, 2004 Author Posted September 10, 2004 Born2day your probably right I am still holding alot of anger against the first guy he really hurt me and i'm not sure its the kind of pain you can ever forgive I'll certainly not forget it.. but I will try as I know i need to let go of some of that anger otherwise i will never let anyone get close to me again. Fredrolin what you say really upsets me it was my first love that hurt me and sometimes I wonder if i will ever love anyone as much as I loved him.. I think in my head I will but in my heart I truely dont think I ever will.. and you saying that just shows that what I fear most can happen.. did you ever love your wife in that way at all or did you love fade over time???
fredrolin Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 Originally posted by look forward .. did you ever love your wife in that way at all or did you love fade over time??? Actually our love has GROWN in time. The first year my wife and I were together we had no commitment. We just had sex on occasion and hung out now and then. I tried to stop seeing her several times; I really wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with her or anyone and we didn't have alot in common. Next thing I know I got her pregnant (yes the child is mine, she looks exactly like me) and I did the right thing and married her. I care for the woman, she is my best friend and we are a great team but I am not "in love", plain and simple. Maybe I am incapable of letting myself fall in love, I may have become too jaded.
Author look forward Posted September 10, 2004 Author Posted September 10, 2004 fredrolin your situation upsets me I mean I completly understand why things happened that way for you but that just scares the sh*t out of me.. You weren't even interested in a relationship thats all i keep saying.. I just think I am 26 and will either end up on the shelf a loney grumpy jaded old woman, or stuck in a relationship for reasons beyound my control knowing that I am not completly in love with that person.. Do you still think of yoru first love that hurt you or are you completly over her.. See I think I am over mine.. but I am just carrying alot of anger and a great big barrier..I just hope it comes down in time.. I truely want to be happy and have a family etc but I also want to be completly in love with my husband.. I dont want to settle but i dont want to cut my nose of to spit my face either.. god I sound liek a nightmare dont I.. I guess what I am asking is do you think you and your wife will last the distance knowing what you know and more importantly knowing the love that you could be missing out on???
FolderWife Posted September 10, 2004 Posted September 10, 2004 Have you considered that you are simply taking him for granted? If he started treating you badly, you'd probably get scared, and want to be good to him again. Maybe a mini vacation, with no contact for two days, so you could miss him?
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