Author spirius Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 I'm kind of the dumper. Sorta. lol. On paper she was doing a fair amount. I paid £900 a month in rent and she gave me £200 towards it. I didn't ask her to do any housework or anything except pick up after herself, but somehow I still had her having a go at me about that sort of thing despite working a 48 hour week while she was at home all day everyday. She generally cooked for us...she did keep turning to me for affection and I must confess that of late I had not been responding. In fact when we had a little sexual activity, I started panicking about being trapped by pregnancy. Not a good sign is it? She wasn't messing around or anything, but emotionally some damage had been done to me I think. She did say to me in a fight one that a) I was **** in bed. (I was having trouble lasting due to some trust stuff at the start. Not cheating, but not great. Instead of being supportive she stopped sexual activity and said "what's the point?") and b) said "If I'm with you in ten years I will look you up and down and think where have I gone wrong." That stuck in my head. Around then I started being less affectionate and concentrating on personal development. My take on it now is that she started giving and wanting attention the moment I stopped giving it out as much. My problem at the moment is that I have been thinking it would be wise to leave the relationship for a while, but haven't brought myself to do it. Until last Monday...when she suggested moving closer to her work/uni/club she goes to. Which after two years of living together felt like a step backward. I didnt feel right about it but also wasnt 100% wanting to say "lets split" but given how my head said I wasnt happy for a long time, I bit the bullet. Partly because it was clear she wanted to make the move for convenience. But anyway. Over the next few days, we were both sad and meeting. Then she started to say she thought it might be the right decision and I completely freaked, blamed myself for everything (to myself) and reconsidered. At which point she said "I dont want it anymore." Earlier today I was in the car with some of her post and a letter I wrote to her. I was going to wait outside work or outside her house. Or I was going to leave the letter and stuff with her housemate. Instead of driving off I called a friend who said, "don't do it." I went to replace the toaster, duvet set and toothbrush holder she took with her instead then started typing this. I feel devastated and want to beg her back. I'm going out of mind that she is going to sleep with somebody else. Her posts on FB are all so relentlessly normal and unaffected. She watches Dr Who and I tear my hair out wondering why she isn't calling. At work they say go on a date or something. I can't stand the way they are talking with such vulgarity about having sex with women...it is just making me think of some bloke's throbbing you-know-what and her thinking "mmm, finally someone who can last". I probably can't afford my flat anymore and I'm in disbelief she isn't texting me. She was INSANE with texting before. ALL day while I was at work. That has stopped over night. Ach. Going round in circles. I'm sorry to be so boring, but feel like I'm fighting the whole battle again every day.
Author spirius Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 I meant to say: I have COMPLETELY forgotten most of the bad stuff in any tangible sense. All I can think of is holding her, good summer days with the kids and her reaching for affection and me not really giving it. I've even got it into my head that I'm an emotional abuser. Gah, she thinks I ALWAYS think I'm right. Well I do argue hard for my point. Do you argue a point you don't believe in? Feel so responsible it's killing me.
Mack05 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 (edited) She did say to me in a fight one that a) I was **** in bed. (I was having trouble lasting due to some trust stuff at the start. Not cheating, but not great. Instead of being supportive she stopped sexual activity and said "what's the point?") and b) said "If I'm with you in ten years I will look you up and down and think where have I gone wrong. You actually want to bring flowers and ask a girl back out who spoke like this to you!?!?!?!? Are you kidding me with this? Mate I can tell you now without ever having met you, that you have serious self esteem issues. If a woman (these days) said to me "If I'm with you in ten years I will look you up and down and think where have I gone wrong" I would quickly reply to her without thinking -> "If i'm with you in 5 minutes time, I will look at myself in the mirror and ask myself where have I gone wrong".. Mate you need time on your own and you need to seriously address your personal issues. Otherwise these are the types of women you will keep attracting. I know the good times were good but this abuse doesn't go away. It gets worse as the years go on until you don't have a shed of self dignity left. Going back now looking like a lap dog with a doormat sign on your head, is wrong on so many levels. She will lose the last shred of respect that she has for you (if she hasn't already). What is far worse here is letting yourself down. No man. No man worth his salt would want a woman like this... Time for some SERIOUS soul searching and a SERIOUS reality check...Once you do that you will realise you have dodged a major bullet. Edited March 23, 2013 by Mack05 2
Sososad Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Mack you should be on stage your oneliners are priceless Hahaha if I'm with you in 5 minutes ! Love it ! 1
Author spirius Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 Yeah and unfortunately I already begged her back a few times in the first year. This sort of thing all stopped by April of 2012. So it seems fairly distant. Yeah I have terrible self-esteem when it comes to relationship. In the rest of my life, I'm pretty confident. Too confident apparently as girlfriends think I am arrogant and always think I'm right. But I do give ground when I hear something that makes sense. I do like a debate. They seem to hear this as thinking I'm better than them. Having said that, I tend to go out with girls who are working part time jobs you would have as a student...people with very little drive. I have a good job, ran a business in my spare time until recently, was doing a PhD and just finished my second novel. But I am over weight and worry about my sexual capabilities. I am EXTREMELY intimidated by other men and had alot of trouble getting over her asking her ex to sleep with her in the first month of our relationship. He said no and called me! Foreplay etc is all great...she said best she'd ever had...but when it comes to the actual act, I freak out.
Mack05 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Yeah I have terrible self-esteem when it comes to relationship. In the rest of my life, I'm pretty confident AND But I am over weight and worry about my sexual capabilities These two statements don't match... A guy with high self esteem and emotional maturity doesn't get involve in toxic relationship after toxic relationship. You are kidding yourself until you stop kidding yourself the great LS community or anyone else who is not a trained professional can't help you.. "Fooling others is a serious business, but when you fool yourself it becomes fatal."
Author spirius Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 I said I have terrible self esteem?
Author spirius Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 (edited) Oh, wait. I see. I am capable in a business sense and that sort of thing. But shocking when it comes to women. I just roll over. No boundaries. I can see I'm doing it, but seem to get swept along. So I guess being successful in certain areas of life doesn't mean I have good self esteem, huh? Edited March 23, 2013 by spirius doh
Mack05 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 So I guess being successful in certain areas of life doesn't mean I have good self esteem, huh? I would investigate the many aspects of 'self esteem' if you need to ask that question..
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