Asta Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Hello everyone: While I know what my knee jerk resposne is, thought I'd get the opinions of others. H & W have been married 17 years raising one child. H's approach to the relationship has been basically rather than hear wife's opinion--keep it secret. This is especially true regarding money. Living with H is like living with a stranger. He shares very little to nothing of his life outside the house. Child is now raised and wife has basically decided that living in a one-sided relationship is no longer tolerable. However, she feels the need to attempt a relationship discussion. Never in the past has H participated in these. Basically he has a "no comment" demeanor. So wife asks, "Where do you want our relationship to go?" H responds, "I've been with you 20 years and can't see being without you. I don't want you to be unhappy but I'm not going to change." Wife says, without looking at the past, do you have any interest in continuing this relationship for the next 20 years? H says, "I don't know." So my knee jerk response is 'wrong answer" and time to move on. Thoughts?
Darren Steez Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Hello everyone: While I know what my knee jerk resposne is, thought I'd get the opinions of others. H & W have been married 17 years raising one child. H's approach to the relationship has been basically rather than hear wife's opinion--keep it secret. This is especially true regarding money. Living with H is like living with a stranger. He shares very little to nothing of his life outside the house. Child is now raised and wife has basically decided that living in a one-sided relationship is no longer tolerable. However, she feels the need to attempt a relationship discussion. Never in the past has H participated in these. Basically he has a "no comment" demeanor. So wife asks, "Where do you want our relationship to go?" H responds, "I've been with you 20 years and can't see being without you. I don't want you to be unhappy but I'm not going to change." Wife says, without looking at the past, do you have any interest in continuing this relationship for the next 20 years? H says, "I don't know." So my knee jerk response is 'wrong answer" and time to move on. Thoughts? Bold that, blow it up into big letters then post it on a billboard with blinking lights. So 20 years of the same, wife says she won't have it. Seems pretty clear cut to me. No, it's the right answer, he's being honest, he's not going to change
Sparty97 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Sounds like he was pretty honest about his feelings. The ball is in your court.
Poppy fields Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 Perhaps suggest some last ditch counseling to see if you can get the skills needed to improve the relationship. Or walk, your choice.
Silly_Girl Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I think you have the information you need. It would probably be helpful to talk things over together with a counsellor. If you stay together or split up.... both routes will have their challenges and it's useful to be on the same page and working towards the same goal, regardless of the goal itself.
diipii Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 You're right. He isn't going to change. Move on, you're way overdue.
quankanne Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 'I don't want you to be unhappy but I'm not going to change." not sure why people think that a relationship is static, when, by its very nature, it changes all along. Because you're not the same people you were at the beginning, or even throughout the duration of that relationship. maybe, in his mind, not changing means a sense of constancy and security, so it's a *good* thing, but doesn't realize that a couple is meant to grow together. my thought is to give it the old college try by introducing marriage enrichment and even counseling (whatever appeals the most to you) and doing that for a committed period of time. you probably won't get the answer you expect to get, because those things change you, make you aware of what's going on around you, but you'll definitely get your eyes opened. if he fails to do anything that brings you closer together (mind you, I'm not saying "change," but be willing to meet you more than halfway because it's what YOU are doing, too) ... maybe it's time to be thinking of a new life. but do yourself a favor and try a little bit more, that way if you *do* walk away from a stagnant, unhealthy relationship, you know you've done everything YOU could to make it work. hugs, q
Mr. Lucky Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 my thought is to give it the old college try by introducing marriage enrichment and even counseling (whatever appeals the most to you) and doing that for a committed period of time. Agreed. With 20 years invested, what's 6 more months? Perhaps he could be Tommy Lee Jones to your Meryl Streep - have you seen Hope Springs ? Your question also seems very broad. Change how? Mr. Lucky
Author Asta Posted March 24, 2013 Author Posted March 24, 2013 At this point, I don't really see what counseling will do and if H will talk at all. He's the type of person that if you try to ask him how he feels about anything, he suddenly starts snoring. I'm direct and verbal and all want to hold the marriage unit together aside, have a hard time acting on non-commital. It sort of keeps you in dial-a-prayer mode. Pretty much with anything that has to do with a relationship conversation, he ignores it. We basically live completely separate lives other than where child is concerned. He's more like having a roommate. He leaves without saying anything and left to his own devices, he will return without saying anything. He can go days without talking to you at all and then will suddenly say something as if poof!, he hasn't been ignoring you for the last three days. A lot of this probably has to do with his resentment that I don't feel like he ought to be able to live his life without any consideration for the financial well-being of the so called family unit. As he recently explained to our 18-year-old, he doesn't see why he should have to give up his freedom and its sorta every person for himself. Emotionally/sexually, if you say you have needs his response is probably on the level of he doesn't have needs so he doesn't take, therefore he isn't obligated to give, either. He has a tit for tat take on life. Sex for him is sorta orgasm for you and orgasm for me--mechanics. Okay, everyone should be happy. He's not really concerned about what YOU feel you need. He makes up in his mind what he is going to give you and then if you are't over-the-top impressed, he resents that you are an ingrate. I guess the term 'emotionally unavailable' is applicable. Everything is completely "civil.' There are no fights or heated discussions. If I say i need something, he'll respond with a polite 'okay,' and then he will probably ignore it. He is the sole of politeness and prides himself of being Mr. Nice Guy. I really think a person should do what they do because its how they feel not because someone else has forced them too. I've gone through the what is my role is why he acts the way he does but basically, he likes his freedom and I'm the constant in his life that he knows will always be there. For me that's really not what marriage and family are all about so we don't believe the same things or want the same things that are essential to a relationship. I get the Mars & Venus dichotomy but this is ridiculous. It really looks more like the narcissist personality that I've read about.
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