ignorant bliss or better to know?

[reflected]

I would really like some opinions on the best course of action in a situation I've found myself in, since there's no one in my 'real life' I can ask for advice.

 

For a few years, I'd harboured a crush on my grad advisor, who's 12 years my senior- a pretty common story. Along with the professional ethics standpoint (students and advisors can't have relationships), he is long-term partnered (15 years or so), with two children. So I nurtured my crush, enjoyed his occasional flirting, but never took it seriously.

 

Until one night, we were out together after a few drinks and he kissed me. We met up again a few nights later and had a somewhat romantic evening, and he told me he was in love with me. Although we kissed more that night, we never slept together. It was more an emotional affair than anything else.

 

We sent each other emails. His partner found them. We changed my supervision arrangement, making him less directly responsible for me. We were supposed to have NC, but he kept talking to me. Then he sent me another email- he missed me. He was thinking about me. And so on. His partner found that. He made me find a new supervisor and leave my department at the university. Nice guy. Although I could have gotten him fired, it would have caused to much trouble for me professionally, so I left it.

 

He and his partner are still together- and here's the part I'd love some help on. During the height of the EA, he told me that he was currently seeing someone else, another mistress, and had been for about six months (he offered to break up with her if I wanted to be his full-time mistress. I declined).

 

Prior to that, he told me, he'd been seeing someone for 7 years. There were references to a few ONS. His partner doesn't know any of this. I'm the only person in the world who knows all of it, aside from him. She knows only a fraction of what happened between us, even. If she knew everything that had happened with us she would leave him, let alone if she knew about all the other women, nearly a decade of infidelity, beginning just after their first child was born.

 

My question is about whether telling her any of this would be the right thing to do. Although I don't want him, I'm not angry at him anymore, so this doesn't stem from spite. I just feel an overwhelming sense of sorrow that her life is basically a lie, and she is working so hard to forgive someone who doesn't deserve her trust, and will probably break it again. Or is it an irrevocable principle that it's his responsibility to tell her, even though he told me several times he is never going to?

 

I would really appreciate any insight into this, from any angle at all. Thanks in advance.

[BetrayedH]

A few things to consider:

 

(1). While it would make sense that her wayward partner should be the one to tell her, you know he isn't going to do so. In fact, he's got a long established history of deceiving her. We can't count on him doing the ethical thing here and we can't force him to do it either. So the ethical decision falls to others that have an opportunity (you are one of those people). This woman is at risk for STDs and has wasted years of the one life she has on this man. Do you let that continue and just wash your hands of it? The ethical choice is an obvious one; it's just difficult.

 

(2). The betrayed partner deserves to know the truth so she can make an informed decision about her life. Maybe she will stay, maybe she'll go but either way, she deserves the truth.

 

(3). While many of us might surmise that we "wouldn't want to know" when posed with the hypothetical scenario, it doesn't play out this way in reality. I see a lot of "other" persons here that claim the betrayed spouse in their situation must know but really doesn't want to know. I've been here reading and chatting daily for nearly two years. In that time, I only once saw a betrayed spouse say they wish they didn't know about her husband's affair. In that case, the wayward husband had ended his affair many years prior and recommitted to his marriage. But he eventually was wracked with guilt and confessed to his wife. Having seen how her husband had recommitted to the marriage and built a wonderful life with her, she had no intentions of leaving him but was tormented by mind movies of her husband with another woman. She wished she didn't know. It made an impression on me because in all of my reading and even with all of the pain betrayed spouses suffer, it was the first time someone said they wished they didn't know. Most of us go to great lengths to determine the truth. After that, anytime I saw someone claim that the betrayed spouse didn't want to know, I openly asked for ANY betrayed spouse to come forward and say that they wished they were ignorant of their spouse's affair. Not one has come forward since. Zero. I stopped counting at five times of openly making the request and having no one come forward. I will gladly throw it out there again. Is there ANY betrayed spouse here that wishes they didn't know of their wayward spouse's affair?

 

The facts are that the betrayed partner deserves to know, they would want to know, and you're probably the only realistic opportunity for them to know.

 

This isn't easy to do and I give you some credit for considering it. I'd credit you a lot more if you follow thru. Do it with kindness but above all, give her the complete truth. As well, provide evidence of it because her wayward partner will most certainly try to lie, deny, and minimize it all. Sadly, his partner will be more inclined to believe him than a stranger. He's also likely to paint you as a crazy stalker and may have even proactively done so to head you off at the pass.

 

You can do this and it's the right thing to do. Good luck.

[reflected]

Thank you all for the measured advice.

 

It's also my thought that I'd rather know something like this. He told me he thought she'd suspected something during his first long EMR, but had never asked him any direct questions (so some implication of "she doesn't want to know"), which struck me as delusional on his part at the time.

 

I still have a few concerns about whether this is something I have the right to do, given the disastrous consequences:

 

a) I was not involved in those relationships directly, so is it my information to reveal? Your point, BetrayedH, about me being the only way for it to come out feels like such a huge responsibility for something I only heard about through a drunk conversation;

 

b) with us, I never let things progress beyond an initial (mistaken) few times and followed NC diligently afterward. These other relationships were far more serious (7 years?!). As far as I know, at least one of the other women has a partner/kids. He still sees them socially. That is a lot of lives fundamentally affected.

 

c) I have one email where he makes reference to another girlfriend. Aside from that, no proof. I suspect he already has told her that I was chasing him, wanted to be with him, etc, when in fact it was the other way around. She already doesn't trust me and has no reason to. Basically, I feel like I'm not a credible witness. If she doesn't believe me, conceivable given the scale of the accusation, he would get away with it and I would be the 'crazy stalker', as you said. And if so...

 

d) he could engineer professional consequences for me, mostly reputation damage, particularly if he could manage to paint me as unhinged or unstable. He is a well-known and respected professor and I'm just a grad student- sad though it is, people would believe him.

 

e) in light of this, would it be enough to 'suggest' his other relationships to her without making specific claims, and hoping that this might force him to reveal the rest himself? ...Hm, that sounds naive even as I type it...

 

I feel like none of this will alter any of your advice that it's the right thing to do. I suppose that even though I know it is the right thing to do, it still feels like it isn't MY right to do it, that it's not my business to destroy her life. She is a lovely woman, a beautiful soul, and I know this knowledge would damage her fundamentally and change her view of human nature, and her ability to love (she still considers him her 'soulmate, love of her life', etc). Is it really my right to do that to her? The thought just breaks my heart.

 

Thanks again for your time.

Edited March 23, 2013 by reflected

[Poppy fields]

What exactly do you plan to tell her? Second hand knowledge of things you are not even certain are true. You claim to be the only person in the world with the proof to give this woman. How do you know that is true, and indeed what proof do you have?

 

She is likely not to believe you, and if she does how can you know what you are telling her is fact?

[BetrayedH]

Props to you for an intelligent and well thought-out post. I think you may have some mitigating circumstances.

 

My first instinct is to say that you are probably correct that your response won't change my position. I can tell you we recently had quite a discussion here about when it's ok not to tell. My conclusion at the end of that discussion was to make an exception when there is a bonafide risk of harm to someone or if the betrayed partner was on their deathbed.

 

But your response merits a more detailed reply than I can do now. In particular, I don't like the threat of serious consequences to your career. Exposure is always something that involves risk for you. My gut says that this is a consequence of which you took a risk when you became entangled with a married man. If you can suffer the consequence and provide the betrayed partner with information that they desperately need, you should ethically lean in that direction to right your wrong. Still, I respect your pause. It's smart to engage in introspection about it.

 

If I may ask, realistically, how much of a risk is it to completing your education?

 

For what it's worth, I am also concerned about you. You're very rational but this must take an emotional toll. I have to say that I see most affair partners throw caution to the wind (sexually) if they're going to risk the consequences of an affair. Your hesitancy suggests to me that this isn't a norm for you and that you have a serious conflict of conscience over it. My gut says therapy may be a good thought even with as balanced as you are.

Edited March 24, 2013 by BetrayedH

[reflected]

What exactly do you plan to tell her? Second hand knowledge of things you are not even certain are true. You claim to be the only person in the world with the proof to give this woman. How do you know that is true, and indeed what proof do you have?

 

She is likely not to believe you, and if she does how can you know what you are telling her is fact?

 

 

Exactly, these are two of my main concerns. I don’t worry that it isn’t true, since it came directly from him. As well as confirming a suspicion I’d long held, I can’t imagine why he would lie about having participated in multiple affairs over the years… that would be an odd way of trying to impress me. I’ve also met two of the women he’d been with. But yes, the ‘proof’ is nothing but knowledge in my mind and in his. I have an email in which he discusses telling his “other girlfriend [mistress]” about me, and "breaking up" with her, but forwarding her something like that seems unnecessarily cruel (particularly since much of the advice here says to be kind). Obviously the women he was with know, but they don’t know about each other.

 

And yes, I worry that whatever I said would come across as some kind of deranged vengeance- not my purpose at all. What the other posters have talked about- this truth principle, allowing someone to make choices about their own life and relationship- is what the purpose would be. This was a year ago now, and I feel I’m aware of my motivations better now. I wanted to tell her last year, but felt that it was coming from a place of wanting to hurt him- a totally misplaced reaction. This struggle feels different.

 

 

BetrayedH-

My first instinct is to say that you are probably correct that your response won't change my position. I can tell you we recently had quite a discussion here about when it's ok not to tell. My conclusion at the end of that discussion was to make an exception when there is a bonafide risk of harm to someone or if the betrayed partner was on their deathbed.

 

I read that thread, and posted fresh because telling someone about an affair you aren’t involved in seemed a little different. Do I think he should tell her? Should one of his other affair partners told her? Unequivocally yes. Is anyone going to? No. My hesitancy stems from a feeling that it’s none of my business- that having interfered in their relationship already and having moved on (this was a year ago now), their relationship is now a sacred space that isn’t mine to intrude on any further. It’s just this knowledge is driving my conscience crazy- but that's not enough reason to tell her, because it's not about me.

 

But your response merits a more detailed reply than I can do now. In particular, I don't like the threat of serious consequences to your career. Exposure is always something that involves risk for you. My gut says that this is a consequence of which you took a risk when you became entangled with a married man. If you can suffer the consequence and provide the betrayed partner with information that they desperately need, you should ethically lean in that direction to right your wrong. Still, I respect your pause. It's smart to engage in introspection about it.

 

If I may ask, realistically, how much of a risk is it to completing your education?

 

If I knew for sure that it was the right thing to do, the effect it had on my reputation or career would be worth it. I took the hit when she found out, because I wanted to show her that I wasn’t a threat, and (at the time) I didn’t want to destroy his career (she doesn’t work so it would affect their kids/home if he lost his job), and the knock-on effect it would have on my career. Academics are brutal gossips, and much less enlightened about gender and power dynamics than they like to think. I think he did the wrong thing in forcing me to leave, but that’s his lack of integrity, not mine.

 

For what it's worth, I am also concerned about you. You're very rational but this must take an emotional toll. I have to say that I see most affair partners throw caution to the wind (sexually) if they're going to risk the consequences of an affair. Your hesitancy suggests to me that this isn't a norm for you and that you have a serious conflict of conscience over it. My gut says therapy may be a good thought even with as balanced as you are.

 

It was tough. But despite my feelings and attraction I knew the further things progressed sexually, the more dangerous it would become. I didn’t want to end up in love and desperate, always seeking another hit from him, deceptions at work and home building up like a spider’s web.

 

And thanks for the concern. I am already seeing a psychologist at the university to help navigate all this. I came here to seek the opinion of people who’ve been through it and can directly empathise with the professor’s partner, for a different perspective. Strangely enough, my therapist won’t drag out details from her own marriage to help me with these considerations ☺

Edited March 25, 2013 by reflected

[BetrayedH]

Meant gently, I think you'd have to admit that the logic is a bit twisted if it permits you to help betray the professor's partner but doesn't permit you to reveal the truth to her about the fact that he's a serial cheater. Your timing to be concerned about being in the middle of their marriage seems rather convenient for you. The epiphany about staying out of there is right when you were about to do a difficult deed that could cost you dearly. That said, I don't think your hesitation to tell is all about selfishly protecting yourself. But you must admit that it's mighty tempting to find a way to mentally justify walking away from all this. I typically see this as a subconscious coping mechanism.

 

I don't mean to brow beat you about it. It's just a very normal rationalization we see here when I know that ignorance is not bliss and it's especially not so when it's clear that the wayward is not truly remorseful (or there would be no truth left for you to tell). Your advisor may well go on to having more OW (or is still seeing the same other ones).

 

If you continue to want the perspectives of people that have been betrayed, keep asking for the opinion of betrayed spouses here and I think you'll see a very consistent trend. Those that would counsel you to stay quiet are very likely to come from another part of the triangle.

 

As for the lack of evidence, I can tell you that the conventional wisdom is to still share what you know, provide what evidence you can (and that one email tells a lot), and then release yourself of the burden. Offer to answer any questions she may ask and then commit to no contact. It's then up to her to decide what she wants to believe.

 

Good luck on your healing journey.