missingj Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Hi there I have been reading this forum for about a month now and have found it incredibly helpful for coping with my recent break up. I have been wanting to post my story for a while now but never had the courage until now, so here goes! My ex boyfriend and I were together for about 10 months and it got very intense very quickly. The first four months were blissful and we were definitely in the 'love bubble'. We were taking steps to move in together and then we had an argument that resulted in my ex pulling the pin on our living together but wanted to stay in a relationship and leave things as is. Since that event I started to feel quite insecure in the relationship and worried that he couldn't see a future with me and this made me question his feelings a lot and as a result our arguing increased. He broke up with me via a text message about a month ago, saying he loved me but we had too many issues to continue. This is a man who can not deal with emotional situations and to be honest, I did expect him to end things that way. We didn't contact each other for two weeks and in that time I decided that despite how he ended things, I still wanted him in my life. I asked him if we could still be friends and he said he would like that. I then left it a couple of days and sent him a text to meet up that weekend, he was non committal and then sent me a text the day before we were supposed to catch up saying that he was not ready to see me, but will be at some stage so he is not saying no to a meeting, just not now. After I received this I started to accept that the relationship was over and came around to my friends thinking that he is a bit of a coward. Anyway, I ended up having a bit of a boozy lunch with friends over the week and texted him after a few wines "I miss you a little bit'. I thought for sure he would ignore me or ask to stop contact and I immediately regretted sending the text. He responded with the following 'I don't know why you would, you didn't seem to care that much when we were together and I always thought you were embarrassed by me'. Ouch! He is obviously very angry/frustrated and I had absolutely no idea that he even felt this way or these were issues for him in our relationship (he is not a great communicator). Later the night he sent a follow up 'sorry if i sounded a little harsh today'. I have not responded and I guess I would like some advice as to if I should? I would like to be friends with this guy at some stage, I know it will be a while off before we can be but I don't know it's best to leave it or just to let him know not to worry about it. I would really appreciate some advice on how I can best resolve this.
emilyxrose Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 That really sucks, I'm sorry you're going through that :/ I went through something similar, only I broke up with him (through text). It's only been 2 days but it's been really hard and he hasn't talked to me at all. Anyway about your sitch, it sounds as if HE was also a bit insecure in the relationship, why would he think you were embarrassed to be with him? If that were the case, you would of ended things and not him.. I'd say reply and tell him the truth that no you were not and leave it at that. See what he says.
Foxy Brown Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I would like to give you another perspective, based on how I've interpreted what you've written. I might be completely off base, but this is what I think. You've said that he's not good at communicating, which I think is very clear in his text to you where he said "I don't know why you would, you didn't seem to care that much...." To me, it sounds like he phrased it that way because he wanted to know where you stood and how you felt about him. You didn't reply, so that's why he texted you again. It doesn't sound to me like he was angry; it sounds like he was, in his own way, trying to figure out how you feel right now. Remember, you told him that you missed him a little bit. You didn't just say you missed him. That doesn't sound too encouraging, you know? So it makes sense to me that he'd reply with something that sounds like he's trying to see just how much you miss him and how you really feel. You know when you compliment someone, and they say "thanks but I don't think so. I really suck at _______" or "thanks but I don't think I'm that pretty"? They're really fishing for validation. They want you to say more, to tell them they're actually awesome or pretty or whatever else they want to hear. That's what I think when I read your ex's response. He wants encouragement, confirmation, clarification of how you really feel. I don't interpret his response as angry at all. Then again, I don't know your ex so I can't really say. To sum it all up, you told him you missed him, but just a little. This doesn't sound too encouraging, so he tried to find out what you meant, where you stand, etc. He's bad at communication, so that's why he hasn't just come out and asked you directly. He can't deal with emotional situations, so that's why he'd rather fish around indirectly and see exactly where you stand before getting himself into an emotional situation. That's just what I think, though. Should you contact him? That's really up to you. I will tell you that it's very difficult to remain friends with an ex, especially when feelings are involved. As long as either one of you still have romantic feelings for the other, a friendship really isn't possible because it's not a friendship. I base this off personal experience. You two can beat around the bush for another week, month, whatever, you can get down to brass tacks and be completely open and communicative, or you can continue on with your lives. A future friendship isn't impossible. Even if you spoke to him, do you think anything would be different? Would he suddenly open up and be ready to be with you, no matter how emotional it gets?
Author missingj Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 Thank you for your advice. emilyxrose, your break up is still very fresh which must be really difficult, can I ask why you choose to break up by text? FoxyBrown I really appreciate your perspective, it made me think about his response an entirely different way. We did have the opportunity to meet about a week ago but he backed out so I am not sure if he will suddenly open up, he is quite guarded and doesn't like to show emotion or be around emotional people/situations. I am a bit torn as to whether to reply or not. I was speaking to a friend recently and she felt that he is trying to turn me off him through his reply so I don't contact him again. She thinks that he could have met me last weekend if he wanted to but didn't and when I contacted him again he changed his tone in order to put me off him. If this is the case I am reluctant to text him again. She also pointed out that his comment came out of left field so its possible he is just looking for a bit of an ego boost. On the other hand I really do not want to send a quick message to say 'not true, I did care, still care and was never embarrassed to be with you' just to tie things up and clear the air. This all happened about 2 days ago, is it too late to send a message now? Ahhh, so confused!
Recommended Posts