This one person

[Mrs.Dee]

Ok .. so this is our story...

 

We are both married

and no one of us wants to leave our families, we both have children

We met online - not on a dating site.

We have alot to talk about, but it has mostly been on facebook, msn

We used to talk for maybe 10 hours a week, for about 6 months or so

We have been none contact for 3 months now

He thinks I am his twin seoul

I think he might be mine

 

We have not met for more intimate reasons, because I have refused.

what 2 do with this mess.....

[whichwayisup]

You only know him through words on a screen. Sure you may know him well on some level, but there are tons and tons you do not know about him and his daily dynamic, his true personality, how he "is" with others, who he is as in the full package. Not saying he has lied to you or led you on, nor you him - But there is a lot that neither of you know, and that's not enough to give up everything in your lives for one another and start over, including a blended family.

 

Do you want to stay married? If not, divorce. Reguardless of what your online MM does or doesn't do.

 

if you don't want to divorce, then continue on with the NC and focus on fixing yourself (do counseling) and also go to marriage counseling with your H so you can have a better marriage. Fixing you first is a must though. Why did you reach out or let yourself fall for another man outside of your marriage?

[Mrs.Dee]

You only know him through words on a screen. Sure you may know him well on some level, but there are tons and tons you do not know about him and his daily dynamic, his true personality, how he "is" with others, who he is as in the full package. Not saying he has lied to you or led you on, nor you him - But there is a lot that neither of you know, and that's not enough to give up everything in your lives for one another and start over, including a blended family.

 

Do you want to stay married? If not, divorce. Reguardless of what your online MM does or doesn't do.

 

if you don't want to divorce, then continue on with the NC and focus on fixing yourself (do counseling) and also go to marriage counseling with your H so you can have a better marriage. Fixing you first is a must though. Why did you reach out or let yourself fall for another man outside of your marriage?

 

what is there to fix?

I just have never met another person that thinks so similar to myself and which I feel such a magnetic attraction to. I am having so much trouble turning my back completely at him.

I am telling myself that this has no future so the best is to forget him the sooner the better, and with others ( not when with my husband) it has been something I have determined to do and it has of course been hard to live by in the beginning , but at least I have managed to make the decision.

In this case I can't make the decision, and so I can't start to forget.

 

As to your question.. why did I reach out? it is not an easy question and I would say: " it just happened". I started talking to him because of interest for what he does for a living, and that was all that was to it in the beginning ..and it was innocent .. but suddenly it was not so innocent any more... but its so hard to tell afterwards where we crossed the line, and even harder to tell in advance that we would ever have done so.

 

But thanks for answering . I seriously need someone that can convince me I have to start to walk away from this.

( We have actually met once so I know that he is he, and he is also on his companys website, so I know that what he has told me about himself is true)

[TaraMaiden]

Why should anything we have to say, convince you to 'walk away from this'?

 

(This post is long: Grab a coffee.... )

 

Are you certain in your heart of hearts, that it's 'this' you have to walk away from?

 

If you consider him to be your soul-mate - and he feels the same about you - then you need to seriously discuss with him, what that means to you both, exactly.

 

I deplore subterfuge, lies and deceit.

I cannot abide dishonesty and lies.

 

So I'm glad you haven't been intimate with him, because those are the elements which would prove destructive to your marriage.

 

I think wanting to be sexual with more than one person, simultaneously is understandable. Monogamy is not a trait I believe is natural.

 

I guess, what I'm saying is, that for you to have both your H. and this guy, at the same time, and openly, would be the ideal.

 

But sadly, given the fact that you took vows, and made promises, I'm pretty sure your husband would be far from happy with that arrangement.

 

But that's what, in your heart of hearts, you'd love.

 

Acceptance, agreement and openness.

 

Well, forget it.

Sadly - it's one or the other.

 

But what you may also wish to address is how you feel about your husband.

Consider your relationship with him.

What first drew you to him?

Can you remember the initial excitement, the frisson of passion that drew you together like a magnet?

Well, where is it?

I know you can never replicate exactly, or duplicate or even revive feelings of that kind, again - but is there something you still see in your husband that makes you flip, even slightly? Can you still evoke some kind of passion or desire for him?

is there anything there at all?

 

because what he is not giving you in this marriage, is what you believe you are seeking and finding elsewhere.

Stimulation.

Interest.

Mental connection.

 

Why can't you get all you need from your husband?

What is he not doing to 'float your boat'....?

 

Because, you know what?

 

You're not doing it for him, either.

You're failing on your side of the bargain.

 

Does he have any idea you feel like this?

Have you discussed your marriage with him?

Does he have a clue that you entered into an Emotional Affair with this man?

 

Allow me to give you here, what I have posted elsewhere:

 

A Relationship is a 50/50 responsibility thing, and both partners are 100% responsible for the care, maintenance, polishing and upkeep of their part. There is no imbalance here, just as there cannot be only one member in a relationship of two. It's clean down the middle...

 

Please note: 'Responsibility' is different to 'blame'.....Blame can be massively disproportional.

 

You have to establish effective communication to discuss what exactly broke the relationship.

You both have to own your parts, and you both have to take responsibility, and you both have to work damn hard to modify and repair and make good whatever went wrong.

 

Remember:

"Finding" the problem isn't the hard work.

 

Fixing the problem, once you've found it - is when the hard work begins.

 

And you have to both want to work equally hard.

you have to both want this relationship to succeed the second time around, to the same level.

If you're in it 100% of your 50% - but your husband's only in at 60%... you can't make up the 40% shortfall on his half.

That's not co-operation on both your parts - that's desperation on yours alone.

 

You need to do some straight talking and both accept responsibility for the previous failure. (Note: 'Responsibility' is not the same as 'blame'.)

 

You have to establish that you're both 'in it to win it' to the same degree.

because if you're not - then you need to stop. Right here.

 

Being in a relationship isn't always about who is right or wrong.

There's huge give and take, and as partners, we are not here to validate the worth of the other person, or hold up their ego. That person should find worth and validation within themselves - FOR themselves.

That said, 'Compromise is the road to ruin' because too much of it inevitably means that one partner will remain slightly jaded and disappointed.

 

Relationships are sustained by three important, vital and co-dependent factors: They are in fact, like the tripod supporting the fragile porcelain dish within the laboratory....

These three, inseparable and co-effective factors are:

 

Communication (effective and constructive)

Respect (For self and partner)

Trust.

 

If one of these is damaged, bent or broken, the other two - with the best will and effort in the world - cannot function effectively to hold the relationship up on their own, or even as a pair...

 

Which do you see as damaged, and which do you see to be in good order?

 

Trust, for example, is like the precious, antique porcelain statuette;

Beautiful and valuable and the envy of all your friends - but if it gets chipped or damaged, no matter how expert or invisible the repair, no matter how skilfully restored - the damage is done. The item has lost its value, and even if the mend is unseen to the naked eye - YOU know it's there... and it constantly bugs you, every time you gaze upon the piece...

 

Trust is exactly like that.

Of the three, it's the most precious - but the hardest to remedy too.

 

I think Communication needs a bit of a kick in the pants, too.... what do you think, now?

[Mrs.Dee]

Why should anything we have to say, convince you to 'walk away from this'?

 

(This post is long: Grab a coffee.... )

 

Are you certain in your heart of hearts, that it's 'this' you have to walk away from?

 

If you consider him to be your soul-mate - and he feels the same about you - then you need to seriously discuss with him, what that means to you both, exactly.

 

I deplore subterfuge, lies and deceit.

I cannot abide dishonesty and lies.

 

So I'm glad you haven't been intimate with him, because those are the elements which would prove destructive to your marriage.

 

I think wanting to be sexual with more than one person, simultaneously is understandable. Monogamy is not a trait I believe is natural.

 

I guess, what I'm saying is, that for you to have both your H. and this guy, at the same time, and openly, would be the ideal.

 

But sadly, given the fact that you took vows, and made promises, I'm pretty sure your husband would be far from happy with that arrangement.

 

But that's what, in your heart of hearts, you'd love.

 

Acceptance, agreement and openness.

 

Well, forget it.

Sadly - it's one or the other.

 

But what you may also wish to address is how you feel about your husband.

Consider your relationship with him.

What first drew you to him?

Can you remember the initial excitement, the frisson of passion that drew you together like a magnet?

Well, where is it?

I know you can never replicate exactly, or duplicate or even revive feelings of that kind, again - but is there something you still see in your husband that makes you flip, even slightly? Can you still evoke some kind of passion or desire for him?

is there anything there at all?

 

because what he is not giving you in this marriage, is what you believe you are seeking and finding elsewhere.

Stimulation.

Interest.

Mental connection.

 

Why can't you get all you need from your husband?

What is he not doing to 'float your boat'....?

 

Because, you know what?

 

You're not doing it for him, either.

You're failing on your side of the bargain.

 

Does he have any idea you feel like this?

Have you discussed your marriage with him?

Does he have a clue that you entered into an Emotional Affair with this man?

 

Allow me to give you here, what I have posted elsewhere:

 

 

 

I think Communication needs a bit of a kick in the pants, too.... what do you think, now?

Thanks for long and good answer .. I actually had a cup of coffe to it... and a glass of water.. and then some pepsimax

 

I think It is the whole twin soul thing that is messing with my mind, and before he brought it up I didn’t even know that the term meant. And now I am wondering if he might be IT….

 

Anyway I sent him an email, just asking how he is, and if he doesn’t reply me back, it probably means he didn’t put that much in it and it will be easier for me to move on…

 

As to my relationship with my husband, it is probably much better than many relationships I know about, but there are probably also other relationship that are better than ours again.

 

I have never believed in one true love, and always believed there are many people out there that can be more or less right for us. And me and my husband have a good relationship and we have a good life together, but the mental connection I have with this other man is stronger than any other I have experienced and I am not sure what to do with it I think…

Edited March 23, 2013 by Mrs.Dee

[whichwayisup]

What is there to fix? Yourself. Affair proof your marriage and also put boundries up so you won't cross them with this man or any other man. You are married and say you have a good marriage but now that OM you connected with, nothing compares. Is your marriage and all that you know and love worth throwing away over someone you barely know? Why not TELL your husband the truth, this way together you can decide to work together to make your marriage better, divorce or possibly have an open marriage. You can't have it both ways and lust after someone else, think they are your soulmate or whatever. How would you feel if your H was doing all this behind your back?

 

If this Om says he's leaving his wife and family, coming to you, you would end your M and be with the OM?

[LFH]

I think It is the whole twin soul thing that is messing with my mind, and before he brought it up I didn’t even know that the term meant. And now I am wondering if he might be IT….

 

So, please don't take offense, but have you given any thought to how LAME this sounds?

 

It sounds like something a 14 year old girl would say.

 

What have the two of you done together, how long of a relationship have you had to build anything together.

 

Do you really believe in "twin souls" instead of mutual caring, love, respect and friendship?

[Mrs.Dee]

So, please don't take offense, but have you given any thought to how LAME this sounds?

 

It sounds like something a 14 year old girl would say.

 

What have the two of you done together, how long of a relationship have you had to build anything together.

 

Do you really believe in "twin souls" instead of mutual caring, love, respect and friendship?

yes I think it is silly to hehe...but its kind of the notion ( which involves the things you mention and more) , and not the exact thing as it is described on the internet.

 

But anyhow to the other stuff you are writing, I think many actually have met people they knew were right for them from the beginning( and also turned out to be right) , while other maybe needed much longer time to figure out the other person was the one.

[LFH]

Well I can see that, and I'm really not trying to be mean, but 10 hours of chatting a week, for 6 months, I calculated in the last 3 months as well, then rounded up by adding another 3 months to the equation...

That's 520 hours of chatting.

Divide that by 24, and you've spent 3 weeks with this guy.

 

Do you think that you could tell that with someone you'd be say dating for 3 weeks?

 

And if you go off the math you originally gave, you're looking at like a week and a half.

 

I don't treat online relationships as not real relationships, I know that they can be and I always think of them sort of like when people in the past used to get to know one another via postal service and stuff... but I strongly urge you to consider what you actually built with this guy without all the faniciful notions.

That doesn't mean you don't/can't have feelings for him... but you should be honest with yourself and see if you really do.

[Mrs.Dee]

Well I can see that, and I'm really not trying to be mean, but 10 hours of chatting a week, for 6 months, I calculated in the last 3 months as well, then rounded up by adding another 3 months to the equation...

That's 520 hours of chatting.

Divide that by 24, and you've spent 3 weeks with this guy.

 

Do you think that you could tell that with someone you'd be say dating for 3 weeks?

 

And if you go off the math you originally gave, you're looking at like a week and a half.

 

I don't treat online relationships as not real relationships, I know that they can be and I always think of them sort of like when people in the past used to get to know one another via postal service and stuff... but I strongly urge you to consider what you actually built with this guy without all the faniciful notions.

That doesn't mean you don't/can't have feelings for him... but you should be honest with yourself and see if you really do.

 

We'll if someone had been dating for like 3 weeks they would probably have spent like 30 hours together or so.. so in time it is alot more than that .

 

Anyway... what made it a possibility at all was really that it was online, where lines are more blurry because it feels and felt less real...

 

but he has not answered my email yet, so maybe I got my answer..

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks for long and good answer .. I actually had a cup of coffe to it... and a glass of water.. and then some pepsimax

....followed by a prolonged visit to the little girls' room....

 

I think It is the whole twin soul thing that is messing with my mind, and before he brought it up I didn’t even know that the term meant. And now I am wondering if he might be IT….

 

I don't buy that crock of nonsense either. You mean, with XX-billion people on the planet, we have a single 'soul-mate'....? Gimme a break....

 

Maybe a 'special bond soul-mate while we're together', yeah, but I think Soul-mates are made, not born.

 

Anyway I sent him an email, just asking how he is, and if he doesn’t reply me back, it probably means he didn’t put that much in it and it will be easier for me to move on…

I see from your most recent post that it's 'all quiet on the western front' so far.... but you have to face the fact that I think this is far more an interesting and stimulating infatuation, and far less a unique and soul-serving bond....

 

As to my relationship with my husband, it is probably much better than many relationships I know about, but there are probably also other relationship that are better than ours again.

Well, if it's fair to middling (and I'm assuming from that, that you mean you also have a sex life together) isn't it therefore worth investing your time in making this good again? I mean, really, 'worthwhile' good?

 

I have never believed in one true love, and always believed there are many people out there that can be more or less right for us. And me and my husband have a good relationship and we have a good life together, but the mental connection I have with this other man is stronger than any other I have experienced and I am not sure what to do with it I think…

No, I'm not a 'one true love' person either.... even my parents, who were married for 57 years, had an occasion when my father roamed a bit too far from the 'nest'.... so I think even the long-term relationships probably have their fair share of challenges and upheavals....

 

It's hard to know what to tell you, but the fact that you have a strong mental connection alone, with this man, may not actually bode well for anything further.

 

It really doesn't matter how successfully you bond with someone intellectually.

If the bedroom department is lacking, for example, then all you gain is a glorified bosom-buddy.

You have, currently, no way of knowing whether what this man can offer you is a concrete provable better life, than the one you currently have with your spouse.

 

What exactly would you consider to be a point at which you would think of splitting with your spouse?

And is it likely to happen?

[Mrs.Dee]

...

 

I see from your most recent post that it's 'all quiet on the western front' so far.... but you have to face the fact that I think this is far more an interesting and stimulating infatuation, and far less a unique and soul-serving bond....

 

 

 

?

haha... yeah that's the funny part I always used to use this connotaton myself, the west coast and the east heheh.

Will not know for sure untill after easter... if he went on holiday he is probably not logging on to his hotmail (I sent it to his hotmail not to his business mail or to his phone )

But anyhow.. if he doesnt answer in like a week or so ... i guess i have my answer...

[wisernow]

Ok .. so this is our story...

 

We are both married

and no one of us wants to leave our families, we both have children

We met online - not on a dating site.

We have alot to talk about, but it has mostly been on facebook, msn

We used to talk for maybe 10 hours a week, for about 6 months or so

We have been none contact for 3 months now

He thinks I am his twin seoul

I think he might be mine

 

We have not met for more intimate reasons, because I have refused.

what 2 do with this mess.....

 

You haven't been in contact for 3 months and you think you are in some kind of on-going relationship? Sounds to me like your little internet fling is a non-starter. Perhaps, just in your head?

[Mrs.Dee]

You haven't been in contact for 3 months and you think you are in some kind of on-going relationship? Sounds to me like your little internet fling is a non-starter. Perhaps, just in your head?

No I never thougth we had a relationship, I just think we have a special connection I am having a hard time walking away from.

[Mrs.Dee]

I don't mean to sound like a smartarse but you think you have this soulmate thing going with a man online, who you've spent no time with in real life and you have no concrete way of contacting him? You are waiting to hear from him and it's a maybe, or maybe not.

 

I hope you don't, for your sake. I think you are caught up in thinking what could be, not realizing that you know nothing about his reality except for what he has shared with you, which might be true or not. Look up the show catfish from MTV, please.

Yes I kind of hope he doesn't anwer to, because then as mentioned earlier, It will be easier for me to move on.

 

I have met him once though, just outside his office, and he is also on his companies website, so he is who he is telling me he is. It is also me who has refused to meet him in live again, and it was also me that ended the contact 3 months ago by deleting him from my facebook. And I have also told him like 20 times that we have no future together.

 

I choose to just send to his email... I could have sent to his phone, business mail or facebook.

Edited March 24, 2013 by Mrs.Dee

[TaraMaiden]

I hate to say this, but unless your house is on fire, you shouldn't break No Contact.

That, actually, was really dumb.

 

3 months, doing fine, then you just decide to drop him a line, just like that??

 

WHY, exactly....?!

[Mrs.Dee]

I hate to say this, but unless your house is on fire, you shouldn't break No Contact.

That, actually, was really dumb.

 

3 months, doing fine, then you just decide to drop him a line, just like that??

 

WHY, exactly....?!

haha.. actually it was something you wrote earlier in this thread :

"

If you consider him to be your soul-mate - and he feels the same about you - then you need to seriously discuss with him, what that means to you both, exactly"

 

that email could be the beginning of that, or the answer that he isn't interested in discussing it, and that is an answer too .

[whichwayisup]

haha.. actually it was something you wrote earlier in this thread :

"

If you consider him to be your soul-mate - and he feels the same about you - then you need to seriously discuss with him, what that means to you both, exactly"

 

that email could be the beginning of that, or the answer that he isn't interested in discussing it, and that is an answer too .

 

But after 3 months of NC, one would think whatever it is/was between you two was over.

 

Will you be OK if he doesn't reply back and let go of him?

We are both married

and no one of us wants to leave our families, we both have children

 

And this is why it ain't happening. Seems him not breaking NC has shown you his decision, his wife and children are more important to him than someone he met online and possibly has some feelings for. You should try to reconnect with your H and forget about this online guy. Soulmate/twin souls, he isn't IN your life now and that is telling.

Edited March 24, 2013 by whichwayisup

[Mrs.Dee]

But after 3 months of NC, one would think whatever it is/was between you two was over.

 

Will you be OK if he doesn't reply back and let go of him?

yes, because then I will know that I am in his past now, and if I am in his past I can't be his twin flame.

It really pisses me off he made me believe in the notion in the first place... but the connection has also been exceptional and alot about it also fiths with that silly theory.

[MissBee]

Thanks for long and good answer .. I actually had a cup of coffe to it... and a glass of water.. and then some pepsimax

I think It is the whole twin soul thing that is messing with my mind, and before he brought it up I didn’t even know that the term meant. And now I am wondering if he might be IT….

 

I have never believed in one true love, and always believed there are many people out there that can be more or less right for us. And me and my husband have a good relationship and we have a good life together, but the mental connection I have with this other man is stronger than any other I have experienced and I am not sure what to do with it I think…

 

The twin flame thing is a dangerous idea...and this is coming from a recovering twin flame believer.

 

My "twin flame" was my ex whom I was in a dysfunctional relationship with where there was lots of push and pull, obstacles etc. he has since went on to marry someone else and I have come full circle to realize it was nonsense!

 

I think the danger is that a lot of times impossible and dysfunctional relationships have a strong pull and we can get caught up in that and romanticize it as "true love", "twin souls", "twin flames", "soulmates" etc. when it is not.

 

If your soulmate/twin flame comes with drama, they are married, etc. perhaps they are not in fact someone you should pursue something with. Even the twin flame theory itself says that most twin flames aren't meant to be together in a romantic relationship as it's usually drama filled. So I would stick to that aspect of the idea and work on building a relationship based not only in "connection" but other real, everyday aspects.

[Mrs.Dee]

hmmm... he just answered me back...and I have not dared, so far, to open up the mail...

 

Edit: and so i opened it... it was just a plain, neutral answer...

I think I want him in my life, but not very close as that would feel unsafe for me.

Edited March 25, 2013 by Mrs.Dee

[ThatJustHappened]

hmmm... he just answered me back...and I have not dared, so far, to open up the mail...

 

Edit: and so i opened it... it was just a plain, neutral answer...

I think I want him in my life, but not very close as that would feel unsafe for me.

 

That is just the worst idea ever...

[whichwayisup]

hmmm... he just answered me back...and I have not dared, so far, to open up the mail...

 

Edit: and so i opened it... it was just a plain, neutral answer...

I think I want him in my life, but not very close as that would feel unsafe for me.

 

He doesn't feel the same way as you do towards him. WHY even bother having him in your life? He hasn't contacted you in THREE months, then you email him, (dont' know what you said to him, if you poured your heart out to him) but either way, he responded very neutral which means he ain't interested the way you are.

 

AND, considering you have feelings for him, continuing on a friendship (which to me is pointless and serves no purpose except to feed your feelings for him and feed your ego, make you feel good) is only going to cause strife and indifference towards your own husband, lessen your feelings for your H as well.

 

Why is it so important to hang onto some guy you really don't know? And the guy has shown you he isn't into you the way you are into him. Something is missing from inside of you to desperately hang onto to him.

[Mrs.Dee]

He doesn't feel the same way as you do towards him. WHY even bother having him in your life? He hasn't contacted you in THREE months, then you email him, (dont' know what you said to him, if you poured your heart out to him) but either way, he responded very neutral which means he ain't interested the way you are.

 

AND, considering you have feelings for him, continuing on a friendship (which to me is pointless and serves no purpose except to feed your feelings for him and feed your ego, make you feel good) is only going to cause strife and indifference towards your own husband, lessen your feelings for your H as well.

 

Why is it so important to hang onto some guy you really don't know? And the guy has shown you he isn't into you the way you are into him. Something is missing from inside of you to desperately hang onto to him.

don't jump to conclusions... you sound like someone beeing cheated on....

i just said, as I stated earlier in this thread: " how are you doing"? nothing more nothing less...

 

What heart would i pour out... i don't know what I feel about him.. i just know that i can't walk away from this without him telling me ( one way or the other) that i don't mean that much ot him...

[ThatJustHappened]

don't jump to conclusions... you sound like someone beeing cheated on....

i just said, as I stated earlier in this thread: " how are you doing"? nothing more nothing less...

 

What heart would i pour out... i don't know what I feel about him.. i just know that i can't walk away from this without him telling me ( one way or the other) that i don't mean that much ot him...

 

Is your husband ok with you contacting him?