What am I doing??

[Loveblind]

I'm so confused and I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm hoping you all will have some advice and insight.

 

This all started years ago, when I was 14 (I just turned 26 now). There was this girl, I dated her for awhile, we got along great. Then, she moved away. We tried a long distance thing for awhile, but being 14, I had a huge libido and after cheating on her, I told her and broke it off.

 

We occasionally talked over the years, but had mostly lost contact, until about 4.5 years ago, when she called me. She was coming up for a visit, we met up at, had some drinks, and slept together. She was married and pregnant with her second baby, so she refused to leave her husband (since she was expecting) for me, even though she said he was a horrible cheater.

 

During this same time, for months, I had been talking to another girl online. We played WoW together. She was a great friend but married herself. She refused to entertain anything with me because she was married, but we did everything together, all day long, purely online. Finally I got to go meet her and we got along great (this is a whole other weird story I won't get into but she never cheated on her husband and she left him because of other issues, namely, hes an ass). A few months later I went back out there and moved in.

 

A year later, we had a baby together. I sent out pics to everyone, including this other girl. I found out she was going through a divorce, so we started talking. I was just trying to support her initially, but it turned into other talk very quickly. Within days we were talking about me coming out there, getting married, having kids, buying a house. My fiance found out and I stopped it immediately. She cried a lot and I felt like crap.

 

After that, I kept to my word and didn't talk to the other girl for a long time, but there were still trust issues after that. That was pretty much our only issue our whole relationship, trust. Anyway, I talked to the other girl a couple of times, briefly, but behaved. Then last year I started talking to her about being together again. She was married a second time, but their relationship was going to hell. We had another long distance affair, but I cut it out before my fiance found out.

 

Anyway, we moved out to my hometown, cross country, last July. Suddenly we were 4 hours away from her. Everything went fine at first, but then I got this crappy job, I got depressed (I seem to seek her out whenever I'm stressed or depressed, she makes me feel better), and I started talking to her again. I wanted to go see her, but knew if I did it would screw up things with my fiance, so I debated it for months, even buying my fiance a ring. Finally I decided to go, planned it out a few weeks in advance. I told my fiance I was going hunting but instead, went to see her. I slept with her, spent all weekend with her, and didn't want to leave. I even skipped work that Monday to stay longer. I felt so right down there with her.

 

After coming back, I got more depressed. I started drinking, I couldn't smile, I was just so unhappy. I wanted to be with the other girl. I moved out and in with my parents, telling my fiance I was depressed and wanted to be alone, but really I was trying to decide what to do. I had tried sleeping with my fiance again, but I just wasnt feeling it. I had started cutting to relieve the pain, I was drinking constantly, it was horrible. Finally I decided to go back to see her one more time before making a decision. I went back down there and within a day decided I needed to leave my fiance and be with her. I called my fiance up the next day and told her I was leaving for her. I love my fiance, but more like a best friend. This other woman, she lights a fire inside me, I have this fire burning and can't get it to go out. She's all I could think about.

 

I stuck around the area for about a week and a half, still having all of these issues, with cutting and drinking. I basically had to drink to be around my ex fiance. I felt guilty and hated seeing her hurting. A couple days before I left, she was going on about how ****ty this all was and I felt bad, so I kissed her, tried to sleep with her. She refused....but then the next day, the day before I left, she got drunk, kissed me, I kissed her back and we slept together again. It was nice, but I still wanted to be with the other girl. It wasn't the same.

 

Anyway, I left my fiance, moved 4 hours south to be with her (she won't move up to my hometown because her kids dad lives where she is now), and I've been there for a month and a half. I still don't know what I'm doing. I'm happy, laugh, go out and have fun. I've found a great job and I feel more outgoing, I don't care what people think anymore. But, I miss my daughter horribly when she's not here (she's going back and forth every week to two weeks). And I still have feelings for my ex fiance. I don't know who I'm supposed to be with, I don't know what's right, and I'm trying to figure things out. My ex fiance is ridiculously understanding and told me to go figure this stuff out, even after I broke her heart. She still wants to be friends. She still said she'd be willing to at least try to work things out, but not to come back unless I'm over this other woman. But I'm not, I still love the other woman too and I should be happy where I am. But inside, I'm a trainwreck.

 

My fiance never did anything to deserve this, she's been nothing but sweet and understanding, she's always shown she loved me, and I know I hurt her horribly. We never fought about anything but this other woman, our relationship was great, for 4 years. But I can't stop loving this other woman too, and now I'm living with her and things are still going well between us. My ex insists I'm infatuated and to give it time, but its been so many years, I can't see it being infatuation. I don;t know what to think. I love them both.

 

What do you all think? Should I just give it time? Is there any chance my ex is right? How do I stop loving one of them?

Edited March 22, 2013 by Loveblind

[TaraMaiden]

He's male, of course....he and his Fiancée had a baby together.....?

 

A year later, we had a baby together. I sent out pics to everyone, including this other girl. I found out she was going through a divorce, so we started talking. I was just trying to support her initially, but it turned into other talk very quickly. Within days we were talking about me coming out there, getting married, having kids, buying a house. My fiance found out and I stopped it immediately. She cried a lot and I felt like crap.

[Loveblind]

Please clarify your gender for the most appropriate response.

 

Yes, I'm a guy.

[Darren Steez]

You're not confused at all You're a cake eater, it's funny how after all the lying and cheating you still have "feelings" for your ex. My bet is if she found someone new you'd be even more "depressed" notice I put those in parenthesis because with regards to you it's just a bunch of bull.

You're a user and have no problem using other people as long as it benefits you.

 

Don't really know what advice you're seeking here really with regards to how you should feel. That's the problem, men running around making babies whilst not being committed to the woman they're with. That's the real tragedy, a child is involved.

[Loveblind]

No, she didn't drink alcohol when we went out, I did. She was drinking soda and the like. But yes, she was pregnant when we slept together.

 

As for cheating our whole relationship, I didn't cheat on my fiance the whole time we were together. I had an emotional affair briefly, and it happened briefly again with the same girl, years later. I never once cheated on her physically and the total time I had that long distance affair thing was maybe 2 weeks, max. I did cheat on her at the end though, I regret that.

 

I didnt ever tell my fiance to wait for me. I told her to move on, be happy, work on herself. I told her later I wasn't sure what I wanted, but I never told her to wait for me. She's just understanding. She says she still loves me. And I have feelings for her too, but I still love the woman I'm with as well. I'm not trying to be a cake eater, I told her to move on, but I still have those feelings.

 

The other woman is a sweet person, she's never done anything to hurt me, she's always been there for me and I love her so much. I mostly instigated our talks and even though she cheated on her husbands, it was only with me. She says she feels like I'm her soul mate too, and those feelings never died with her either. So why do I still have feelings for my ex fiance? And why am I even entertaining the thought that this could actually be a temporary thing with my gf, infatuation or whatever? I love her so much, I can't see it being something like that, but she put that thought in my head and now its nawing at me.

[Loveblind]

I don't think I ever said anything about not having a job? I got a job the first two weeks I was down here, I love the job I got. I haven't given my ex fiance any money yet though, I was getting caught up on my own stuff. She's been taking care of the bills herself, although she needs help now and I don't have any money to give her yet.

 

I'm not actually having a baby with the gf. That was all talk.

[Loveblind]

Short message this morning, I had to run to work.

 

I hate counseling. I don't want to see anyone, I'm not going to pay someone to listen to me talk. Now that I'm down here I have no insurance anyway and I could never afford to pay out of pocket regardless, so its moot. I am on anti depressants but I won't be able to get them anymore either, so I'm weaning off. They don't seem to have helped a lot anyway.

 

I did get with my "gaming buddy." We were online together all the time, we got very close. We were best friends before we ever even met. The child we had together was an accident, but a happy one. I love her more than anything. My ex fiance and I were together for 4 years, it wasn't some quick thing and I never planned this. I know it probably seems like I did, but I had no intentions of leaving her, or I wouldn't have had her move into a place she couldn't afford, or buy all of the stuff for the house, or discuss buying the place. We were talking about having our 2nd child even. But I AM depressed and I have always still loved this other woman, so I did what made me feel better. Yes. I struggled with the decision to leave but in the end I couldn't take not being with my now gf. And I haven't ever hurt my gf, she's nothing but happy to have me finally.

[Darren Steez]

Short message this morning, I had to run to work.

 

I hate counseling. I don't want to see anyone, I'm not going to pay someone to listen to me talk. Now that I'm down here I have no insurance anyway and I could never afford to pay out of pocket regardless, so its moot. I am on anti depressants but I won't be able to get them anymore either, so I'm weaning off. They don't seem to have helped a lot anyway.

 

I did get with my "gaming buddy." We were online together all the time, we got very close. We were best friends before we ever even met. The child we had together was an accident, but a happy one. I love her more than anything. My ex fiance and I were together for 4 years, it wasn't some quick thing and I never planned this. I know it probably seems like I did, but I had no intentions of leaving her, or I wouldn't have had her move into a place she couldn't afford, or buy all of the stuff for the house, or discuss buying the place. We were talking about having our 2nd child even. But I AM depressed and I have always still loved this other woman, so I did what made me feel better. Yes. I struggled with the decision to leave but in the end I couldn't take not being with my now gf. And I haven't ever hurt my gf, she's nothing but happy to have me finally.

 

22 "I's" impressive. Nothing about your daughter.

[Loveblind]

LB I don't understand your last post. Who sent that message and to who was it sent to?

 

It was a continuation of the post I put up before it, since I hadn't had time to respond to everything. I probably should've just edited the other post, sorry. I was responding to the previous posters.

[Loveblind]

22 "I's" impressive. Nothing about your daughter.

 

I love my daughter and I'm still seeing her half time. She spends two weeks with her mom and two weeks with me. My little girl is everything to me, she's my world. When she's gone it kills me inside. But, my daughter is handling everything very well, she doesn't seem too upset. She asks where mommy is when she's with me and vise versa when she's with her (where's daddy?) and says she misses us, but she's happy and doesn't seem too negatively effected by all of this. The other kids don't seem too bad either (she already had kids when I met her). I don't get to see them much though, they have school and can't come down for a week at a time.

[Loveblind]

if you don't mind me asking, do ou pay child support for your daughter? I hope you do...( or have you made some other fair arrangement with her mom?)

 

No, we agreed since I was supposed to help with her bills that would take the place of child support for the time being. After that, I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure the state will be forcing me to pay anyway, so I guess I'll just let them decide how much I have to pay. I don't have any problem with it though.

[Loveblind]

Bump. Still don't know what I'm doing. My ex got all pissy the other day, told me she hated us both, and after I defended my gf repeatedly (she was trying to say how our relationship is nothing but pain for her and that my gf was at least 50% of the reason I left my fiance, I told her it was my fault, I chose to walk away, but she just kept on saying how horrible she is and how she never tried to stop it), she basically said I was right and that she was focusing on hating the wrong person because she's afraid she'll stop loving me if she lets all the anger in. She said she's going to stop hating on my gf and focus on hating me. I guess that means that me going back is not an option anymore anyway, but even though it made me mad hearing negative crap from her about my gf, I still love her too (ex fiance). I don't know how to stop having feelings for both of them and its tearing me up.

 

What are the real chances of my relationship with my gf working out? I'm kind of scared now, that my ex is gone, and that this isn't going to work out and I'll just be alone and never have a chance to reconcile. I do feel horribly guilty about what I did to my ex, I guess part of me was hoping I'd have a chance to make it right in the end, but everyone is telling me just to stay away from her anyway. I can't go back unless these feelings for the other woman die anyway though. I feel this connection with her, I feel alive and happy with her (even though I'm depressed at the same time), and my ex told me flat out not to come back unless I was completely over her.

 

I know the statistics aren't good for relationships starting as an affair, although technically it started a long time before that. I know my ex thinks I'm infatuated or whatever. I know moving in immediately like that is a bad thing. Maybe I'm hoping it'll end with the gf so I'll know who I really want to be with, since apparently being away from my ex fiance hasn't squashed the feelings for her. But most of me thinks its nuts, us not working out. We've known each for so long and the feelings have been there for so long. Ugh, I just don't know.

[rtp4ps]

Hmmm...I think you're moral compass may be even more off than mine which I'm learning has been very off!

 

I've gotten a lot of good, honest advice here so I'll give you some from my collection that I think is good. You are looking for happiness from other people. More of it needs to come from you and given out to others. You love the things that these women add to your life more than loving the people themselves. Sounds like you didn't have very good examples or mentors growing up so you think all these behaviors of back and forth and crossing the line talking to women you shouldn't seems perfectly ok to you, but guess what, it's not.

 

The folks that say you need counseling are right in that you need to talk to someone who can help you re-program yourself into decent, upstanding behaviors and actions that you can be proud of. I don't think you have any idea whats moral or immoral at this point.

 

You shouldn't focus on the women so much right now, but on healing yourself and getting new information from which to operate with. Also, you should focus on your daughter and meeting her needs as her father. In giving you shall receive your healing faster.

 

I speak from a standpoint of a lowly cheater who is on a path to healing myself. I am not better than you or worse. I know you say "I" a lot because deep down you realize that therein lies the problem that needs fixing.

 

There's not necessarily a right choice between women. They both have faults and human imperfections. The choice right now needs to be what type of re-programming you get from where so you can get your thinking on track.

 

Good luck!

[Loveblind]

Hmmm...I think you're moral compass may be even more off than mine which I'm learning has been very off!

 

I've gotten a lot of good, honest advice here so I'll give you some from my collection that I think is good. You are looking for happiness from other people. More of it needs to come from you and given out to others. You love the things that these women add to your life more than loving the people themselves. Sounds like you didn't have very good examples or mentors growing up so you think all these behaviors of back and forth and crossing the line talking to women you shouldn't seems perfectly ok to you, but guess what, it's not.

 

The folks that say you need counseling are right in that you need to talk to someone who can help you re-program yourself into decent, upstanding behaviors and actions that you can be proud of. I don't think you have any idea whats moral or immoral at this point.

 

You shouldn't focus on the women so much right now, but on healing yourself and getting new information from which to operate with. Also, you should focus on your daughter and meeting her needs as her father. In giving you shall receive your healing faster.

 

I speak from a standpoint of a lowly cheater who is on a path to healing myself. I am not better than you or worse. I know you say "I" a lot because deep down you realize that therein lies the problem that needs fixing.

 

There's not necessarily a right choice between women. They both have faults and human imperfections. The choice right now needs to be what type of re-programming you get from where so you can get your thinking on track.

 

Good luck!

 

I understand, I just can't get into counseling even if I wanted to. I have no insurance now and not enough money to be paying out of pocket.

 

I agree, I went to the new woman because she makes me feel better. I was happy with my ex fiance, I really was, but she didn't make me feel the way this other girl does. I think I said in my first post that my fiance and we never fought, except over this girl on occasion (when I'd start talking to her), and we got along 99% of the time. We had the same interests, she showed me she cared daily, I showed her I loved her back all the time, we really had a good thing going. But I was depressed and she had no clue, and the other girl made me feel amazing.

 

I know I'm messed up. I know somewhere in my head that this is all wrong but I don't feel it. I don't feel like I've done wrong. I don't really care what people think about us or about what I'm doing. I guess I do feel like I've done wrong since I feel guilty but I don't like to admit that to anyone. I know something is wrong with me, but I can't really do anything about it since I can't see anyone. I disagree though, I know I was depressed before all of this but I made it worse by seeing her and then leaving for her. Had I quit my job when my fiance told me to, I'd probably have felt better on my own and left her alone again. But I didn't. I chose this path. I feel like I have to make sense of my feelings for the two of them to be happy again. I felt like my relationship with my fiance was messed up because I always had feelings for someone else too. Now I'm in the opposite position. I need to figure out my feelings for them before I can heal myself, because that's what pushed me into being such a train wreck to start.

 

I can't focus on my daughter either, because she's only with me 2 weeks out of the month. When she's gone its horrible for me. When she's here everything is much easier.

[Jonah]

" I started drinking, "

 

When the other two have flown, and they will fly... this one will be there for you to have and to hold and never let you go. You will do anything for her. Give up relationships, career, everything. For she is your only salvation.

[Leigh 87]

I am genuinely fascinated by men who can claim to be in love with a women, when at he same time, freely contemplating starting something up with another women.

 

 

My view is: surely if a man is crazily in love with a women, they would not be able to just start something up with another women, in a romantic sense?

 

My thoughts are:

 

- you described your ex as "more your best friend than a romantic partner"

- you never fought and got along great, talk about common interests

- the new girl made you feel a way your ex fiancé never did

 

This reads to me like: you were not truly IN love with your ex fiancé, even though you got along great; you assumed that having common interests and being suitable for one another on a superficial level, guaranteed that you would fall deeply in love with her.

 

You loved her as a person but you were not truly romantically IN love with her, and you had stronger romantic feelings for this new girl.

 

Many men make the mistake of getting into long term relationships or marriages with women they are not deeply in love with, rather; they really WANT to be in love with this women, but they only have the capacity to love them as a person and enjoy being around them a lot. The shared time together and living closely with each other on a daily basis forms a strong bond, that is confused for genuine love.

 

I know guys who are madly in love for years and who have started a virtual sex thing purely for pure fantasy; but those men would never, EVER physically WANT to cheat; they actually are made sick at the idea of being physical with other women, even though they can talk sexy to girls online.

 

In short: I doubt you truly, genuinely loved your ex fiancé in a romantic sense (you said yourself that she felt like a best friend and not a romantic partner that shared an intense connection with you).

 

Unless you are a sociopath, who does not have the ability or capacity to truly be madly in love with ANY ONE; then you simply were not in love enough with your ex to be that happy long term.

 

Remember that it is easy for most people to settle for a person that they really think is GREAT, and to confuse these feelings for genuine love.

 

Your not alone or stupid for anything you have done, but there is something wrong with you psychologically speaking, that allows you to terrible hurt and betray the people who care the most about you.

 

Do you care about other people much? If you do, you would REMOVE yourself from women's lives insofar as romance is concerned.

 

You need to stick to friendships with people and figure out WHAT makes you able to pick a life with a women, where you get bored and feel dissatisfied and therefore feel the need to be with someone else.

 

Think:

 

Do you pick the right women, that you have GENUINE romantic feelings for?

Or do you settle for women you like a lot, but where there is something "missing" (that you then discover in another women who you have the capacity to fall in love with)

 

A final lesson for you that I have read a lot about: it is easy to end up with people that you do not have the capacity to love. Something is missing, is the best way to describe it.

 

It is often that in these situations, that the only way the man KNOWS that something is truly missing in his relationship, is to encounter a women who he DOES have the "capacity" to fall IN Love with.

[Jonah]

..with a few elements I find disturbing,

 

am I correct in my understanding while she was pregnant? I'm sorry, , but I find hat behavior disgusting and a prtty good indication of her charcter. What kind of person has a few drinks and hooks up with a guy while she's pregnant? a weird way of showing it.

 

 

Right now, it sounds like you shouldn't be with anyone. It sounds like you need some mental health help

 

This is why they are perfect together silly goose! er... Parrot Head!

[Saba]

No, we agreed since I was supposed to help with her bills that would take the place of child support for the time being. After that, I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure the state will be forcing me to pay anyway, so I guess I'll just let them decide how much I have to pay. I don't have any problem with it though.

 

So you are not paying anything at the moment because you don't have any money left after taking care of you... is that right?

 

Its great that you are not going to commit to a payment amount until the mother gets the state to force you to. Its classy.