neveragain34 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Anyone else hate this stage or is it just me having a moment of insecurity/insanity right now? I'm almost 2 months into dating this guy I really like...this is the time where it feels like you are a couple, but it's not "official". This hit me today and I'm left with these thoughts: 1. Is he still dating other people??? I'm not and don't want to, but should I be? Why are men taking interest in me now all of the sudden?? Hope I'm not an idiot to be turning them down, especially if he is still seeing other people. 2. We agreed to wait for sex until we are in a committed relationship and the time is right, but WHY is it the waiting so easy for him?? Every guy wants sex!! Is he getting it somewhere else??? Is he a premature ejaculator and afraid Of a bad "first time"? He's Definitely not gay. 3. I really like this guy and I'm sure he likes me too or else he wouldn't text everyday, see me on weekends, plan quality dates, introduce me to his friends, etc, but why doesn't he TELL me how he feels? Is he waiting for me to tell him how I feel? Are we both afraid to scare the other away with opening up about feelings? Think I'll just come to LS and open up instead. 4. Is it too soon to have "the talk" or should it have happened by now? Fools rush in....must keep telling myself that. Ugh. I love dating and I hate it!
JMCOSU838 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Anyone else hate this stage or is it just me having a moment of insecurity/insanity right now? I'm almost 2 months into dating this guy I really like...this is the time where it feels like you are a couple, but it's not "official". This hit me today and I'm left with these thoughts: 1. Is he still dating other people??? I'm not and don't want to, but should I be? Why are men taking interest in me now all of the sudden?? Hope I'm not an idiot to be turning them down, especially if he is still seeing other people. 2. We agreed to wait for sex until we are in a committed relationship and the time is right, but WHY is it the waiting so easy for him?? Every guy wants sex!! Is he getting it somewhere else??? Is he a premature ejaculator and afraid Of a bad "first time"? He's Definitely not gay. 3. I really like this guy and I'm sure he likes me too or else he wouldn't text everyday, see me on weekends, plan quality dates, introduce me to his friends, etc, but why doesn't he TELL me how he feels? Is he waiting for me to tell him how I feel? Are we both afraid to scare the other away with opening up about feelings? Think I'll just come to LS and open up instead. 4. Is it too soon to have "the talk" or should it have happened by now? Fools rush in....must keep telling myself that. Ugh. I love dating and I hate it! 1. Whether you should or shouldn't be is up to you. However, if you haven't made it known that you want to be in an exclusive relationship, then you shouldn't hold it against the guy if he is going out with other people. 2. How do you know it's easy for him? Perhaps he's not very good at picking up on cues and doesn't know if you're wanting him to make the first move or if he should make the first move. Like you, he doesn't want to jump into things too quickly so he is waiting until he is more confident that you're not going to reject him. 3. I answered this in number two. 4. Again, whether it's too soon or not is up to you. If I were in your shoes though, I would want to know sooner rather than later.
startinganew777 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I totally understand. I am dealing with the same thing. The guy I have been seeing for almost 3 months now, we both said at the beginning that we didn't want to have a relationship. We just wanted to have fun. Now I am starting to have strong feelings for him and I sometimes wonder if he is feeling the same. We go out together with his friends and he has met my friends and he is coming over for dinner next week so it just isn't about sex it seems. He has gotten more caring the longer I know him and we talk every single day. I didn't want t a relationship at first but now I do. I am afraid if I bring it up he will back off and things won't be the same. I hate bringing up that topic. Are we together? I kinda asked a couple weeks ago about what we were and he said that two years ago, he would have never been in this situation. He got divorced and his x did a number on him. Basically he said I am the furthest he has gotten with a girl since his divorce. He also said he wasn't seeing anyone else and he wouldn't hurt me. That is about all he said. I think all you can do is just ask out front what he wants at this time. Hopefully I will have the balls to do that soon too. It is better to know now then months down the road when you are even more invested. I need to take my own advice. LOL Good luck.
Author neveragain34 Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 Thanks for the advice! I started reading a book I downloaded earlier today called "you lost him at hello" and couldn't put it down! Before I knew it, three hours had passed and I finished it! It's written by a relationship coach and offered some really great insight on this exact situation. I am doing the right thing by NOT coming off as anxious to him (only on here lol). The only mistake I have made is putting my eggs in one basket by rejecting other dating offers (see #1). :-/ It's not too late though; I am going back to the feelings of indifference I had in the beginning until he comes out and says he wants to be exclusive (which they will if that's what they want. Same goes for your guy startingnew.) You should check it out if you have time! 1
pbjbear Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Thanks for the advice! I started reading a book I downloaded earlier today called "you lost him at hello" and couldn't put it down! Before I knew it, three hours had passed and I finished it! It's written by a relationship coach and offered some really great insight on this exact situation. I am doing the right thing by NOT coming off as anxious to him (only on here lol). The only mistake I have made is putting my eggs in one basket by rejecting other dating offers (see #1). :-/ It's not too late though; I am going back to the feelings of indifference I had in the beginning until he comes out and says he wants to be exclusive (which they will if that's what they want. Same goes for your guy startingnew.) You should check it out if you have time! Agreed. I will get flamed for saying this but I have found if a guy really likes you, he will bring up exclusivity in the first 3 months. Every time a guy failed to do that, he was never into me no matter what his personality was like-outgoing or introverted 2
Michelle83 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Thanks for the advice! I started reading a book I downloaded earlier today called "you lost him at hello" and couldn't put it down! Before I knew it, three hours had passed and I finished it! It's written by a relationship coach and offered some really great insight on this exact situation. I am doing the right thing by NOT coming off as anxious to him (only on here lol). The only mistake I have made is putting my eggs in one basket by rejecting other dating offers (see #1). :-/ It's not too late though; I am going back to the feelings of indifference I had in the beginning until he comes out and says he wants to be exclusive (which they will if that's what they want. Same goes for your guy startingnew.) You should check it out if you have time! Hmmm, I'd love to read this book. Who's the author? Where did you download it from?
Author neveragain34 Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 You Lost Him at Hello by Jess McCann. She was a guest on a podcast I was listening to earlier (The Art of Love: Was It Something I said?) and her "sales approach" to dating sparked my interest. I downloaded it to my iBooks app from the iTunes store for $9.99, but I'm sure it's available on amazon too or other sites. There's a Q&A type sequel she wrote that's not very good; don't waste your money on that one.
startinganew777 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Hmmm... I will have to check that out. But if the other poster is correct, it has almost been 3 months and he hasn't brought it up. All he said was I am the only one he is talking to and he wasn't going to replace me if I didn't go out with him one weekend. How romantic. LOL he is a smart ass and jokes a lot but that doesn't seem like he really wants to be exclusive to me. I guess I will see how it goes for a couple more weeks. I have been really laid back this time, letting him ask me out and letting him do most of the initiating. I will check that book out though. I also have a problem of putting all my eggs in one basket. Thanks for the suggestion and good luck!
Author neveragain34 Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 Hmmm... I will have to check that out. But if the other poster is correct, it has almost been 3 months and he hasn't brought it up. All he said was I am the only one he is talking to and he wasn't going to replace me if I didn't go out with him one weekend. How romantic. LOL he is a smart ass and jokes a lot but that doesn't seem like he really wants to be exclusive to me. I guess I will see how it goes for a couple more weeks. I have been really laid back this time, letting him ask me out and letting him do most of the initiating. I will check that book out though. I also have a problem of putting all my eggs in one basket. Thanks for the suggestion and good luck! Based on what I read in this book, you need to: 1. Be less available now. Next time he asks you out, tell him you have plans already. Don't be specific; make him wonder what your plans are. If he thinks you're seeing someone else, he will experience "fear of loss" and step up if he doesn't want that to lose you. 2. Take a few hours to respond to his texts and only respond to the ones that warrant a reply. Also keep your replies short and simple. Don't give him a play by play of your day. 3. If you are spending the night with him, stop! Leave at the peak of your dates, when you are really enjoying each other, leaving him wanting more. If he wants you to spend the night, say that's something girlfriends do. Sounds like game playing I know, but think of it as strategy instead.
PogoStick Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 And the girls complain about PUA... As a guy I can't agree with the games. Be an adult and take an active role in moving the relationship forward if that's what you want. I'm entering that stage with a girl right now and I'm already on the fence because of her past indifference. Recently, she's done a few small things which makes me feel better about the relationship: a little text saying she's looking forward to seeing me again, and just this week she approached me about getting together. Until now, I've done all the asking out and it makes me feel like she wouldn't care if we saw each other or not. If she starts acting aloof and blowing me off then I'll put my effort towards a different woman who's actually into me. 1
Author neveragain34 Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 And the girls complain about PUA... As a guy I can't agree with the games. Be an adult and take an active role in moving the relationship forward if that's what you want. I'm entering that stage with a girl right now and I'm already on the fence because of her past indifference. Recently, she's done a few small things which makes me feel better about the relationship: a little text saying she's looking forward to seeing me again, and just this week she approached me about getting together. Until now, I've done all the asking out and it makes me feel like she wouldn't care if we saw each other or not. If she starts acting aloof and blowing me off then I'll put my effort towards a different woman who's actually into me. So what can she do to get this guy to switch gears? It's been 3 months and he hasn't asked her for exclusivity and in the beginning they started off by agreeing on nothing serious. She already asked him where they stood and he danced around it with excuses about his former marriage. I think he sees it as getting the milk for free so why buy the cow by becoming committed to her? This is why I think she should step back. I hate games too, but sometimes they are necessary.
Author neveragain34 Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 And the girls complain about PUA... By the way, what is PUA?
SJC2008 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Sounds like he's serious about a finding a woman who's comlatible with him so he's holding back on the sex. Since he's taking that approach he's probably dating other people and doing the no sex till an r with them too. TBS anything is possible so who knows. If he is multi dating sometime early on he should of said unless yall are exlusive you're both free to date others and it should be assumed you are. lol@ he's a premature ejaculator or sleeping with someone else because he hasn't tried to pounce on you at the first opportunity.
PogoStick Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 PUA is all the guys strategy on hooking a woman. I agree with the basic psychology of it but I don't care for the specific routines, and the silliness with code names feels juvenile. The important stuff is for guys to be confident and willing to take risks, get their life together, develop an attractive style, etc. Makes sense that women have similar important concepts. If it gets into "turn him down and make him feel insecure" then it's into game playing. Playing games is being passive-aggressive. Why not be direct? Successful relationships are about communication. Tell him you're interested and what you want out of the relationship. If two of you can't reach a common understanding then you move on. That's way better than wasting each other's time with games.
Author neveragain34 Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 Sounds like he's serious about a finding a woman who's comlatible with him so he's holding back on the sex. Since he's taking that approach he's probably dating other people and doing the no sex till an r with them too. TBS anything is possible so who knows. If he is multi dating sometime early on he should of said unless yall are exlusive you're both free to date others and it should be assumed you are. lol@ he's a premature ejaculator or sleeping with someone else because he hasn't tried to pounce on you at the first opportunity. Since we met on match:com, I assumed he knew I was dating other men in the beginning and I figured he was dating other women. I noticed after our 3rd date or so, he removed his profile from match and so I did the same. I hope he's not still dating other women. This is why I hate this point in a relationship! Glad you saw the bits of humor in my post.
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