youaremysunshine Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 So I've been seeing this guy for a few months now. We met online. He was over last night and we were just hanging out as ussual When my phone rang, for some reason I picked it up and it was some guy I gave my number to earlier this month on the bus. It was really unexpected. It was obvious to my date something was up so I came clean and told him. I really had no choice to give this guy my number, he saw me checking my phone and we were sitting next to each other on a 2 hour bus ride. He wasn't mad and said I should go on a date with that guy if I wanted, and said the guy must of taken a lot of courage to call me. He kept repeating that I should do what I wanted. I said I was already invested in getting to know him and didn't have the desire or capacity to date more than one person. He asked if I thought he was seeing anyone else and I said no. He said he wasn't, that he wouldn't do that to me. I said he could do what he wanted, but I would be sad if it meant we couldn't see each other anymore. He basically said he is too shy to meet anyone aInd is glad I messaged him. Oh and he took the picture and bio down from his dating profile Does he want to be exclusive or is he just settling because he is shy?
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Nope...he's lying to you, testing your boundaries...gaining security on his part....you're going to be FWB...expect a lot of "confusing" messages from this guy.
Author youaremysunshine Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 I feel like if he really liked me he would not want me to see other guys. But he really is very shy and was a virgin untill we started sleeping together recently. Nothing to sugest there is anyone else. Maybe he's just using me to get more comfortable with women.
clia Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 If he wanted to be exclusive, he had the perfect opportunity to bring it up. He didn't. So, don't feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. By the way, how many dates have you been on in the past few months, and are you sleeping together yet?
Author youaremysunshine Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 We see each other about 3 times a week, but for whatever reason he asked to see me the last five days straight, when he gets off work and feels stressed out. Yes we are sleeping together, I was his first.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I feel like if he really liked me he would not want me to see other guys. But he really is very shy and was a virgin untill we started sleeping together recently. Nothing to sugest there is anyone else. Maybe he's just using me to get more comfortable with women. Guys will make a comment like that to either test you to see if you choose them (much like women tell test men with "dares") and also because he's trying to maintain an emotional distance from you. I'm going with the emotional distance here as well as the test a bit, unless you feel he is highly insecure, jealous and controlling. I didn't get that vibe from anything you said, I just got the vibe that he's trying to tell you in so many words that this is ok not being serious, so go ahead and see if i care....however at the same time, It's a backwards way of getting allowing me to see how much you "care for me"....guys also want to know that you'll choose them even with options as they are insecure as well. I don't think he's seeing anyone else or has the capability...once he gains some confidence by being with you and pounding your vagina, he'll like get an exaggerated sense of self-confidence and seeing if the grass is greener somewhere else...because now he'll think if he can wrap one girl around his finger, surely he has more options. You guys sound a bit on the young side, with you being the more experienced...but don't think because he's a virgin he'll offer exclusivity, and just because he is shy, a lot of guys need to grow out of their cocoons...but virgins can be the most dangerous because they haven't had a chance to "spread their wings" and this guy doesn't sound like he's heading toward the commitment road...two months, and a comment like that, plus you seem to be a little confused about his actual interest, it's playing out like a FWB.
Author youaremysunshine Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 We are fairly young, I'm 23 and he's 22. I agree with the testing thing, and the emotional distance thing. He's really bad at expressing himself or his feelings. He did say he wouldn't see anyone else though, (possibly because he is shy) and seemed pleased i had no desire to date anyone else. but but that's not the same as let's be exclusive.
Author youaremysunshine Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 Maybe I should just stop dancing around it and tell him I want to be his girlfriend? Too forward? 1
TigerCub Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 hmmmm, so you were sleeping with this guy but gave another guy your number. That doesn't look too good. I mean the shy guy might have his doubts about you now. I agree that you aren't exclusive so you should be free to see whomever you want, but to show that having sex isn't meaningful enough to you that you'd **** him and still go out looking for someone else to **** may not reflect in the best way... And he lost his virginity to you and he's too shy to meet someone else - he may be settling by sticking around. Because I would think from his perspective what you did is a bit hurtful even if exclusivity wasn't discussed. But that's just my opinion, his could be very different....
Author youaremysunshine Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 I had no intention of picking anyone else up. This other guy chatted me up when I was on a 2 hour bus trip and he asked for my number when I checked my phone! What was I supposed to do!! My date chastised me for not considering the amount of courage it takes to ask for a girls number and call her. God I can't win!
outsidethebox Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I don't agree with any of the takes on this. IMO he said what he said to not be controlling because he isn't. However he hopes (and said so) that you don't want to go out with anyone else. Settling? Is there some reason you think that he really wants a "better" gf? All in all, perfectly normal behavior for a guy who isn't a control freak in my opinion. You have to set them free to hold onto them, or however that goes.
Author youaremysunshine Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 Thanks outsidethebox, Thats reassuring. I guess I'm just insecure and want us to be "official" As for the settling thing it's just that this is his very first realationship and I was the one who presued him. 1
Barnacle-Bob Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Nope...he's lying to you, testing your boundaries...gaining security on his part....you're going to be FWB...expect a lot of "confusing" messages from this guy. I don't know about that. When my W and I had started dating, she ended up agreeing to have lunch with her ex. When she brought it up to me, I told her that she could do whatever she wanted with whomever she wanted to do it with. Why? To set up my own hustle? Too insecure to anything else? Nope. I was completely confident in myself and what I brought to the table, and didn't care if she spent time with somebody else, because that guy was never going to be me. 1
Author youaremysunshine Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 Yes, I have to stop equating possessiveness with love. He's a simple, quiet guy that likes to stay out of drama. My favorite moments with him are just drinking tea or making dinner while he sorts his papers for work. I don't need him to tell me not to sleep with anyone else. 1
pteromom Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 My take on it is that he is scared of coming off as too aggressive or controlling, so he's saying "do whatever you want", but he really wants you to date only him. 1
outsidethebox Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Thanks outsidethebox, Thats reassuring. I guess I'm just insecure and want us to be "official" As for the settling thing it's just that this is his very first realationship and I was the one who presued him. He's a lucky guy. Good luck to the both of you.
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 (edited) I don't know about that. When my W and I had started dating, she ended up agreeing to have lunch with her ex. When she brought it up to me, I told her that she could do whatever she wanted with whomever she wanted to do it with. Why? To set up my own hustle? Too insecure to anything else? Nope. I was completely confident in myself and what I brought to the table, and didn't care if she spent time with somebody else, because that guy was never going to be me. That's different, I've personally always been that way....freedom of choice. But this isn't about me, this is about a 23 year old virgin, who's only had one V...that isn't instigating the relationship nor did he instigate the sex...so how confident do you think this guy is? I'd be willing to bet money on this...easily. But let's go ahead and make the assumption...that's always a safe bet. Edited March 22, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 This sort of thing is a problem for me. I have reacted this way in the past as a self-protection mechanism and to make men think that I care less than I do. It was also a test. I would tell a guy "Sure, go ahead and have lunch/dinner, totally fine with me. You should see others and do as you like" in a composed and calm voice. I actually wanted the guy to tell me "Nooooo, all I want is you". This one guy I was seeing got upset and asked me do I really not care if he sees other women. I responded "What do you want me to say? No, don't see her, be with me and me only. I would be shattered if you saw others" and he was like "YES, that's what I wish you would feel" I just think he is trying to come off like he cares less than he does.
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