venuss Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 (edited) I am not sure how much details is important for having my answer..let me know if more is required. I was dating this man from past 5 months..we had arguments 3-4 times and all the times I told him to go away and then after 2 to 9 days (different each time) I went back to him and he was kind of waiting for me to return to him and loved me even more, but just 5 days back he asked me to make out at his place, to which I refused (all text conversation because I was at work couldn't talk) , he replied then there is no point in seeing each other since relationship is not progressing, I replied , dont text me ever, what you said is shameful..he replied..that I misunderstood and he is more than happy to disconnect from someone who can be so stupid and its his last text..I replied..thats just non-sense. Now haven't heard from him, have been following NC, do want him back. Do I stand any chance?? Thnx! Edited March 22, 2013 by venuss
will1988 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 to be honest Venuss... I highly doubt you have a chance. I can tell by your writing, and more so by your actions, that you two are young. I think, high school aged, right? Anyway, you two said and did some stuff that really hurt the other person. You told him to never contact you, and you've been keeping NC for a few days. He may try to contact you at some point, but most likely he will not. However, it seems like your relationship with him was short lived and very rocky for that short period of time. That means that it most likely will not last, even if you two get back together down the road. If he comes crawling back to you, you need to tell him no. Besides, it seems like you all had problems, why do you want him back? is it because you miss having a boy friend, and not really missing him? I'm betting that is the case. Anyway, you need to try moving on and know that there are more fish in the sea. good luck!
Author venuss Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 (edited) Thanks will1988.. I am 29 and he is 34 ..I wasn't sure how much should I write so wrote quite briefly. He used to ask a lot of times to make out but I kept turning him down (because its so new and I am not sure that he is not in it for just that) and that frustrated him and made him ignore me and that was the reason of all our previous fights (mostly). I want him back because I honestly love him and want to have serious relationship and I read everywhere that 'no sex' will make him commit seriously!! But that has caused a lot of friction in my case. Edited March 22, 2013 by venuss
Author venuss Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 Ever since I posted, I have been reading and reading all the thread and from guys reactions (no matter what age) ..they don't really like to be contacted after long NC, so under any circumstances I should not be contacting him. But am I wrong in thinking that there are good chances that he will forget the bitter part real soon and miss me, and all the love & attention he had from me? May be he will come back?? I miss him
Am4Real Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 How old are you? Sounds like a teenage spat and if that is the case, I'd say it's time for you two to understand you're too young to be in a serious relationship. I am not sure how much details is important for having my answer..let me know if more is required. I was dating this man from past 5 months..we had arguments 3-4 times and all the times I told him to go away and then after 2 to 9 days (different each time) I went back to him and he was kind of waiting for me to return to him and loved me even more, but just 5 days back he asked me to make out at his place, to which I refused (all text conversation because I was at work couldn't talk) , he replied then there is no point in seeing each other since relationship is not progressing, I replied , dont text me ever, what you said is shameful..he replied..that I misunderstood and he is more than happy to disconnect from someone who can be so stupid and its his last text..I replied..thats just non-sense. Now haven't heard from him, have been following NC, do want him back. Do I stand any chance?? Thnx!
Am4Real Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Yes, you are most likely wrong. If you keep telling him to get lost after an argument, he might accept that once, but any more times following had eating away at him until he simply said "if she does this one more time I'm out of here". You did = He is gone! Ever since I posted, I have been reading and reading all the thread and from guys reactions (no matter what age) ..they don't really like to be contacted after long NC, so under any circumstances I should not be contacting him. But am I wrong in thinking that there are good chances that he will forget the bitter part real soon and miss me, and all the love & attention he had from me? May be he will come back?? I miss him
Author venuss Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 Yes, you are most likely wrong. If you keep telling him to get lost after an argument, he might accept that once, but any more times following had eating away at him until he simply said "if she does this one more time I'm out of here". You did = He is gone! I guess I should have asked, if there is anything I can do to have him back
Am4Real Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I don't know him so hard to say what he is thinking or what he wants, but if he thinks you have argument and discussion issues and cannot change, probably won't be back soon as that is all he remembers. I'd lay low for awhile or for a long time and see if he comes back around after he cools off and thinks about things. I guess I should have asked, if there is anything I can do to have him back
Author venuss Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 Why wouldn't you kiss him? We kissed and had lot of intimate moments, we were quite touchy even in public places. I did not wanted to have sex with him, because I have read if you want commitment from him then follow 'no sex' and I did wanted a serious commitment. But lately all he used to talk about was sex (make out was what he said, but it meant that) and somewhere I doubted if he is in this only for that. May be he feels insulted for now, but will it not wear down? Will he not remember all the love I gave him? All the ego strokes? Will he not come back for the sake of love?
TaraMaiden Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 5 months? No sex? When did you realise this guy was into you, and a keeper? When did he make you realise this was a serious deal? THAT'S the 'sex' time. Sex - is an intrinsic part of a relationship. It's not a bargaining tool, a promise to hold over someone's head. It's an intimate component, a factor, an essential ingredient in the whole mix....Not a carrot to dangle in front of his nose. Woman to woman? Really? That's truly, truly dumb. TbH, you're lucky he held out for 5 months. I've been with my H for nearly 9 years - we married 3 years ago. We had sex 2 days after meeting. 5 months?! Sheeesh....
Author venuss Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 5 months? No sex? When did you realise this guy was into you, and a keeper? When did he make you realise this was a serious deal? THAT'S the 'sex' time. Sex - is an intrinsic part of a relationship. It's not a bargaining tool, a promise to hold over someone's head. It's an intimate component, a factor, an essential ingredient in the whole mix....Not a carrot to dangle in front of his nose. Woman to woman? Really? That's truly, truly dumb. TbH, you're lucky he held out for 5 months. I've been with my H for nearly 9 years - we married 3 years ago. We had sex 2 days after meeting. 5 months?! Sheeesh.... In 5 months I met him not more than 10 times and each time for not more than 2 hours, mostly for an hour. I had no commitment from his side. I don't want to feel used. At the moment I do feel like if he came back I will give him whatever he wants. But if he had disappeared after we had slept together I may have felt so much worse and used! Right now I am getting on with my life and may start dating someone else but wouldn't it be difficult to move on if you feel you were betrayed? (He don't have any other women he loves to the best of my knowledge but I won't be shocked if he did) May be your H gave you assurance in just 2 meetings that you are his world, but I didn't get anything like that. In 5 months we had xmas, new year, VDay and I didn't get anything, not even a flower! Even after asking.. Just a text message...on VDay he had meetings, I asked him to call me in-between, he didn't and sent a text next day wishing and asking how did it go for me...well guess how, waiting by the phone!! (I did not say that, just said I was busy with work too). It's not a deal breaker for me but if I have told him that it matters then shouldn't he be a lil more considerate? So I want him to give more to this relationship. Have more emotional depth. These are all the sour moments that I mentioned that kept me from giving more to this relationship we had, but he used to say the sweetest things in the world, and of all the men that I have dated he has been the best when it came to 'chemistry', may be I haven't dated enough yet But I am happy to change my point of view, if sex can change things between us then I am more than happy to go for it, I fantasize about it quite a lot. So now should I communicate this to him somehow? Or just keep quite. Its been 6 days haven't heard from him.
destroyed4sho Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 (edited) so you have been seeing this guy for 5 months, no sex, told him to go away a few times, calls you for a make up session and you tell him its shameful, then tell him to go away again? did you tell him you dont believe in sex/sex before marriage /commitment .when you first met him? you told him making out was shameful. do you really believe that? if you hought this guy was trying to use you, why do you want him back? your immature reactions pushed him away. you need to take a good look at yourself and work on yourself. dont think that pushing someone away is going to make them be exactly who you want them to be. you sound harsh and nobody wants to be controlled in that way. you chose venuss as your name?? ironic. Edited March 23, 2013 by destroyed4sho
TaraMaiden Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Okay.... see, this is where details are important. Glad you elaborated.... In 5 months I met him not more than 10 times and each time for not more than 2 hours, mostly for an hour. I had no commitment from his side. I don't want to feel used. At the moment I do feel like if he came back I will give him whatever he wants. But if he had disappeared after we had slept together I may have felt so much worse and used! Right now I am getting on with my life and may start dating someone else but wouldn't it be difficult to move on if you feel you were betrayed? (He don't have any other women he loves to the best of my knowledge but I won't be shocked if he did) May be your H gave you assurance in just 2 meetings that you are his world, but I didn't get anything like that. In 5 months we had xmas, new year, VDay and I didn't get anything, not even a flower! Even after asking.. Just a text message...on VDay he had meetings, I asked him to call me in-between, he didn't and sent a text next day wishing and asking how did it go for me...well guess how, waiting by the phone!! (I did not say that, just said I was busy with work too). It's not a deal breaker for me but if I have told him that it matters then shouldn't he be a lil more considerate? Right, I'm getting a clearer picture now of how one-sided this really seems to be.... Although if we want to be frank, it seems you withheld honesty from him, to appease him and not start a fight, but I'm not sure (re your activities on Valentine's Day) whether in hindsight, that was a wise thing. He thinks you were fine. He has no idea you were hurt by it. he sounds as if he doesn't possess a single Romantic bone in his body, and doesn't understand that Romance is something women perceive to be a vital component in a relationship. Just as much, in fact, as Sex is, if not more.... So I want him to give more to this relationship. Have more emotional depth. These are all the sour moments that I mentioned that kept me from giving more to this relationship we had, but he used to say the sweetest things in the world, and of all the men that I have dated he has been the best when it came to 'chemistry', may be I haven't dated enough yet "Saying" doesn't cut it. Talk - followed by Action - is what cuts it. He can be the world's sweetest talker, but unless he 'does' what he 'says', then after a while it's all just going to be "Yeh yeh, blah blah blah, heard it all before....." and it will grate on your nerves, because if he can 'say' it - then why the hell can't he 'do' it....? But I am happy to change my point of view, if sex can change things between us then I am more than happy to go for it, I fantasize about it quite a lot. So now should I communicate this to him somehow? Or just keep quite. Its been 6 days haven't heard from him. Now I have a clearer picture, I think the amount of ACTUAL time you've spent together, and the quality of that time, his words, lack of actions and general disinterest in committing to a more concrete and meaningful relationship - I think he's bailed, and I think you accept it, and let it go. Communicate nothing. I think he's been obtuse, and frankly, I think at this point you'd be making too much effort, and actually be attempting to compensate for his lack of contribution. There are an awful lot of 'I think's in the above. That's because it's simply what 'I think'. Other views may differ. Please take whatever you need here, and disregard the rest.
Author venuss Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 (edited) so you have been seeing this guy for 5 months, no sex, told him to go away a few times, calls you for a make up session and you tell him its shameful, then tell him to go away again? did you tell him you dont believe in sex/sex before marriage when you first met him? your immature reactions pushed him away. you need to take a good look at yourself and work on yourself. dont think that pushig someone away is goig to make them be exactly who you want them to be. you sound harsh and nobody wants to be controlled in that way. I did tell him about no sex before we are engaged but I feel that he was not listening!! It was something like this, once he chose spending new year with his friends and not with me, did not even plan to meet me. He said he will consider that only if I promise to sleep with him! So I told him don't bother. I texted him..how are you? after 5 days and he called me and we were back again. This time we were just happy, chatting, and he brought up having sex at his place, I was so frustrated and then what I mentioned in first post. I think this is not something you ask for. So if he spends new year eve with me and we end up doing it then that's one thing. But if this guy is telling me that he will spend the night with me only if I promise to sleep with him then I don't think I should have felt great about it!!! Edited March 23, 2013 by venuss
Author venuss Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 (edited) Communicate nothing. I think he's been obtuse, and frankly, I think at this point you'd be making too much effort, and actually be attempting to compensate for his lack of contribution. There are an awful lot of 'I think's in the above. That's because it's simply what 'I think'. Other views may differ. Please take whatever you need here, and disregard the rest. You are right. Details are very important. One of those times, when I feel hurt and after few days I go back to him. Only difference is , at other times, I act hurt and upset. This time I have kind of accused him that what he is in for is 'shameful'!! Earlier I was sure we will be back together in no time. This time I am wondering!! Do guys have big EGO?? Will he not remember good times and change his attitude and come back or is he gone?? May be I am thinking too much. Just want to know whats going on his mind!! Edited March 23, 2013 by venuss
TaraMaiden Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Men and women think differently. In a very generalised and non-specific way, ( just want to emphasise that, because i don't want to be accused of saying everyone is always like this, unchangeably) Men equate sex with - sex. Women equate sex - with love. Men are capable of emotionally detaching while having sex. It's apparently far more common and habitual for men to be able to indulge in fantasy, while having sex with a woman, even one for whom they have a strong and abiding love. It seems that women have more difficulty fantasising and detaching from whom they're having sex with. Most women cannot enjoy having sex with someone they have absolutely no emotional attachment to - they see it as a bond-creating exercise. men see it as a way of not getting blue balls.
destroyed4sho Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I did tell him about no sex before we are engaged but I feel that he was not listening!! It was something like this, once he chose spending new year with his friends and not with me, did not even plan to meet me. He said he will consider that only if I promise to sleep with him! So I told him don't bother. I texted him..how are you? after 5 days and he called me and we were back again. This time we were just happy, chatting, and he brought up having sex at his place, I was so frustrated and then what I mentioned in first post. I think this is not something you ask for. So if he spends new year eve with me and we end up doing it then that's one thing. But if this guy is telling me that he will spend the night with me only if I promise to sleep with him then I don't think I should have felt great about it!!! this guy sounds like a world class jerk! He didnt spent holidays with you? always a bad sign. dont have sex with him and leave him alone. I would ask him if he is looking for something casual or a relationship. if he says relationship..tell him that your not ready to have sex until you develop feeligs for him. if he doesnt like that, then goodbye!! addios! he sounds like an idiot tho. why even bother?
Author venuss Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 Men and women think differently. In a very generalised and non-specific way, ( just want to emphasise that, because i don't want to be accused of saying everyone is always like this, unchangeably) Men equate sex with - sex. Women equate sex - with love. Men are capable of emotionally detaching while having sex. It's apparently far more common and habitual for men to be able to indulge in fantasy, while having sex with a woman, even one for whom they have a strong and abiding love. It seems that women have more difficulty fantasising and detaching from whom they're having sex with. Most women cannot enjoy having sex with someone they have absolutely no emotional attachment to - they see it as a bond-creating exercise. men see it as a way of not getting blue balls. What an irony!!! buhuhooooo I cannot kiss someone if I did not like/love them, forget about sex!!!
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