So how do YOU think the BS should feel about the affair?

[Got it]

I'd love to get the definitive answer to this question too. When forced to face the reality of a lover's marriage and spouse, and all their pain and anger, does it change anything in the OPs mind?

 

Waterwoman, may I ask what you mean by this/what your looking for? Change how they feel about the affair, the other person . . . ? I wanted to see if I could answer this for you at least from my perspective.

[AnotherRound]

Again I'm taken back by your lack of understanding, given your profession. I am not justifying outlandish behavior. That said, the death of a child? First, many people have lost their minds after the death of a child. It's a horrible thing to witness, and the pain is immeasurable.

 

Second, even in the death of a child, there was no attack. No one betrayed a person to the point that their child died. In an affair, there is an attack, or so it seems. The BS is hurt in very intimate ways by the person that claimed daily to love them. The mind f*ck that does to people is unbelievable.

 

You have a significant lack of understanding about this subject matter it seems.

 

That's interesting, as I would say the same thing about you - that you have a tremendous lack of understanding about this subject matter it seems. Regarding appropriate an inappropriate behaviors - you easily state that an affair is "inappropriate" yet you can't see anything that a BS might do as being inappropriate, even if it is illegal, you seem to think that's okay.

 

 

 

Anything illegal should be avoided, BS or not. They can feel whatever they choose - feeling and doing are two separate things, and feeling hurt and angry is one thing, acting out illegally or inappropriately is a whole other thing, and shameful behavior that will do nothing but make the person acting out feel ashamed afterwards while resolving nothing (do nothing except hurt the person acting out more, make them look childish and out of control, and will do nothing to rectify their perceived wrong).

Edited March 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[AnotherRound]

You know, I agree with a lot of this. But at the same time, I have to disagree with your conclusion in some cases. I am normally a very controlled and very balanced person. I have handled a lot of adversity in my life and frankly handled it with a considerable amount of grace. When I first discovered my wife's PA via 17 hotel stays, I consulted with an attorney and hired a PI but when I confronted her and she broke down, I held her while she cried. When she expressed horrible remorse and committed to no lying, no cheating, and no contact, I softened. When it took a long time for her to transfer, I exposed to the OM's wife but didn't seek to ruin his life and restrained myself from exposing to their workplace. When she finally did transfer and I caught her in contact with him in a 2 min work-related conversation, I showed restraint. When she cried, apologized profusely for it, and swore she would never lie to me again, I tempered my anger. Time and time again, I took the high road. But when I discovered that she had been lying straight to my face for the entirety of our seven-month false reconciliation (and I found this out in rather dramatic fashion), I snapped. I literally threw her out the front door; she got scraped up and I spent a night in jail. I'm not proud of it but there is something about gaslighting, deliberate betrayal, and emotional manipulation over the course of months or years that is such a violation that I don't think the victim of it is entirely responsible for their actions. A person can use these methods to break a person and when they do, it doesn't mean that the victim "failed to have healthy coping mechanisms" or that they "acted out" like some teenager having a tantrum. It's easy to say that everyone is responsible for their own actions and reactions and normally I would agree. But my wife gets to own half of the responsibility for the last night of our marriage and frankly, I don't really care who thinks otherwise.

 

Just like a WS is 100% responsible for their actions of having an affair, a BS is 100% of their actions in response to said affair. We will just have to disagree. I do not think that there is ever a reason to put your hands on someone - sorry. I agree that you sound like you kept it together a lot - but the reason it is called "snapped" is bc someone loses control. Losing control is not healthy, nor is it appropriate when it leads to assault, abuse, aggression, illegal activity, etc.

 

I have no judgment on your actions - I do however retain the right to my opinion that you could have controlled yourself and chose not to. That, imo, lays entirely 100% of the blame for you assaulting your wife at your feet - not hers. If you were not in physical/mortal danger from her, then reacting to her as if you were by putting your hands on her was over-reacting, imo.

 

I'm sorry that she was abusing you emotionally - and it sounds like she was. However, you took it to the next level of abusing her physically - which is illegal, and inappropriate. Sometimes, we don't have a good defense against emotional abuse and we act out physically bc we don't know any better or can't control ourselves when hurt and/or angry - but it isn't justified, it's still wrong (and illegal), and it will always be an inappropriate reaction to anything other than life/death situations and physical self-defense.

[MissBee]

Why would any BS, including the BS in my case care what I think she should have done/felt and how she should have reacted?

 

I had no opinion on what I THOUGHT she should do. I made assumptions on what I speculated her reaction would be but I didn't have a list of what was deemed acceptable or not. That is outside my scope.

 

I don't think the crux of the question was about whether or not the BS should care but simply if anyone felt the person should have acted in a particular way.

 

People have opinions all the time about what other people should do, every single thread is in some way a reflection of what we think people should do or our thoughts on behaviors, irrespective of if these opinions are welcomed or if they matter. So I guess I don't see the difference here versus any other thread asking for opinions or speculation.

 

If your answer is that you had no opinion about what you thought she should do, then that pretty much answers the questions..maybe some people felt differently. But the question seemed to be about what you thought, irrespective of if your thoughts would have been well-received or would have mattered to the BS or not.