So how do YOU think the BS should feel about the affair?

[Owl]

Reading through the "affaired down" threads, I saw a lot of posts about how many of the common terms used are just words and phrases to let the BS "feel better" about the affair.

 

Which implies that how they feel about the affair and it's participants is in some fashion "wrong".

 

So that begs a question that comes to mind...

 

What, specifically, do you think the BS SHOULD feel or think about the affair, about the OW/OM, about the WS? How do you think they SHOULD react on d-day, and/or to the OW/OM if interaction occurs later?

 

Let's keep it respectful, but be honest.

 

I'm truly curious just exactly what it is that BS's are "expected" to do versus how they typically seem to respond when the affair comes to light.

[Got it]

Owl, really? This thread seems like a recipe for disaster. :eek:Does it matter? I don't think people check a forum and say, okay this is what is viewed as acceptable, okay so now off to do x, y, and z.

 

A reaction is a reaction. Just like a person will say they do not understand nor will they ever be in an affair and others are wrong for doing so. This is just the flip side to that. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks. People will continue doing exactly what they want to do.

 

Some will rugsweep, some will take a scorched earth tactic, some will fall in the middle, some will vary based on the number of ddays. But what someone else thinks, monday morning quarterbacking it is futile.

 

You can post every day all day how affairs are wrong and people are still going to have affairs.

 

Someone can post all day every day how a BS shouldn't do x, y, or z and there will be BS who will do it.

 

So asking, specifically, the OP, what their opinion is on how a BS should react seems to be trying to start a fight. JMO

[Owl]

If folks can be respectful of each other, this shouldn't be a disaster.

 

I get why some folks react the way they do.

 

I just struggle with understanding why folks feel that someone should have reacted differently in this kind of thing. I am curious what it is that they feel SHOULD have been done, as opposed to what it is that people tend to do.

[Got it]

But what does it matter? People have told me here what I should have done instead of having an affair. It didn't matter.

 

If I told you that you should have been little mary sunshine and taken it with a sh*t eating smile, what does it matter? What does that do for you? For anyone?

 

In all seriousness, what the BS should do? Obey the law. Anything else I could say is just opinion, speculation, and hot air.

[LFH]

If folks can be respectful of each other, this shouldn't be a disaster.

 

I get why some folks react the way they do.

 

I just struggle with understanding why folks feel that someone should have reacted differently in this kind of thing. I am curious what it is that they feel SHOULD have been done, as opposed to what it is that people tend to do.

 

The same can be said on the other side too. The BS expects the OW to just quietly go away or whatever too. Everyone wants it to be the way they want it in their own head, that's going to be different for every person here. That's why people think that others should respond a certain way.

 

You want honest? Ok. No one is going to like it.

 

I don't care. Truly.

I don't care how she reacts or responds. She's going to react or respond the way she needs to.

I assume she'll hate me. I assume she'll act like the drama queen her past behavior leans towards.

Her opinions, her reaction, whatever it is will be valid.

Just like my feelings are valid.

It's not something you can corral or expect to contain in a certain way.

I figure there's always the chance for a worst case scenario and if that happens, then I'll deal with that, whatever that is.

 

What would I like to happen? I would like for her to sit down with her husband, discuss their issues, put all the cards on the table and treat it like mature adults. I'd like to minimize the hurt from every angle and I'd like her to own her own actions as well. I'd like her to sincerely commit to their marriage if that's their choice and to actually put in some effort towards it or I'd like them to realize that they are not actually a good fit, one or the other.

 

But it doesn't matter what I want or think because it's HER pain. How she deals with it is up to her.

 

Now if we are discussing how it should be discussed here, I'd like to go back to your comment about being respectful. I think more posters, on all sides, could be more respectful of one another. That isn't an unrealistic expectation. Everyone is here because they have issues.

[HopingAgain]

I think some expect BS to roll over and play dead, to bow out "gracefully" so OP can have the MP, or to allow the MP to continue the affair while not making a fuss.

[Got it]

I think some expect BS to roll over and play dead, to bow out "gracefully" so OP can have the MP, or to allow the MP to continue the affair while not making a fuss.

 

Is this your opinion? The poster is looking for everyone's opinion. Not speculation on an assumption of others.

[Owl]

The same can be said on the other side too. The BS expects the OW to just quietly go away or whatever too. Everyone wants it to be the way they want it in their own head, that's going to be different for every person here. That's why people think that others should respond a certain way.

 

You want honest? Ok. No one is going to like it.

 

I don't care. Truly.

I don't care how she reacts or responds. She's going to react or respond the way she needs to.

I assume she'll hate me. I assume she'll act like the drama queen her past behavior leans towards.

Her opinions, her reaction, whatever it is will be valid.

Just like my feelings are valid.

It's not something you can corral or expect to contain in a certain way.

I figure there's always the chance for a worst case scenario and if that happens, then I'll deal with that, whatever that is.

 

What would I like to happen? I would like for her to sit down with her husband, discuss their issues, put all the cards on the table and treat it like mature adults. I'd like to minimize the hurt from every angle and I'd like her to own her own actions as well. I'd like her to sincerely commit to their marriage if that's their choice and to actually put in some effort towards it or I'd like them to realize that they are not actually a good fit, one or the other.

 

But it doesn't matter what I want or think because it's HER pain. How she deals with it is up to her.

 

Now if we are discussing how it should be discussed here, I'd like to go back to your comment about being respectful. I think more posters, on all sides, could be more respectful of one another. That isn't an unrealistic expectation. Everyone is here because they have issues.

 

Excellent response, and exactly along the lines of what I was hoping to see as a response to my question. It's honest and up front.

 

Thank you!

[HopingAgain]

Is this your opinion? The poster is looking for everyone's opinion. Not speculation on an assumption of others.

 

Its my opinion due to a cumulation of sentiments expressed from others in these threads many times, but I am curious to what the responses to this thread will be too.

[cocorico]

Reading through the "affaired down" threads, I saw a lot of posts about how many of the common terms used are just words and phrases to let the BS "feel better" about the affair.

 

Which implies that how they feel about the affair and it's participants is in some fashion "wrong".

 

So that begs a question that comes to mind...

 

What, specifically, do you think the BS SHOULD feel or think about the affair, about the OW/OM, about the WS? How do you think they SHOULD react on d-day, and/or to the OW/OM if interaction occurs later?

 

Let's keep it respectful, but be honest.

 

I'm truly curious just exactly what it is that BS's are "expected" to do versus how they typically seem to respond when the affair comes to light.

 

I'm not a cookie-cutter poster, and I don't believe in any "one size fits all" solutions.

 

I also disagree with the premise, that something that makes the BS "feel better" implies they are doing something wrong. If someone is subjected to something deeply unsettling, it's perfectly natural to seek reassurance or distraction to "feel better", given the very human need to want to feel one has some measure of control over a situation.

 

That said, I can answer the question with reference to my own particular situation, knowing the background, characters involved, etc.

 

 

What, specifically, do you think the BS SHOULD feel or think about the affair,

 

That it was tragic that it came to that, that so soon after a failed reconciliation things were already so bad that the M was effectively over, that failure to keep her end of the agreement had such terminal consequences.

 

about the OW/OM,

 

That the OW was extremely lucky to encounter such a wonderful guy at the very moment he was vulnerable to the prospect of the kind of R he was worthy of.

 

about the WS?

 

That he tried his damnedest for so long, but could not make it work alone, especially with the BS a timely working against his best efforts.

 

How do you think they SHOULD react on d-day,

 

Listen to what he is saying, and don't laugh in his face. And when he says he is leaving, believe him

 

and/or to the OW/OM if interaction occurs later?

 

Within the confines of the law, and with due consideration for her own (if no one else's) sustainable mental health. Accept reality - that she is no longer with him, that he has someone else, that she no longer has access to his family, his home, his resources, his social circle, his professional networks, his international reputation or any of the other connections she took for granted and still tries to claim - and that the fOW is here to stay. And realise that continuing to treat people badly will not win sympathy, but increasing isolation.

[Owl]

I'm not a cookie-cutter poster, and I don't believe in any "one size fits all" solutions.

 

I also disagree with the premise, that something that makes the BS "feel better" implies they are doing something wrong. If someone is subjected to something deeply unsettling, it's perfectly natural to seek reassurance or distraction to "feel better", given the very human need to want to feel one has some measure of control over a situation.

 

That said, I can answer the question with reference to my own particular situation, knowing the background, characters involved, etc.

 

 

What, specifically, do you think the BS SHOULD feel or think about the affair,

 

That it was tragic that it came to that, that so soon after a failed reconciliation things were already so bad that the M was effectively over, that failure to keep her end of the agreement had such terminal consequences.

 

about the OW/OM,

 

That the OW was extremely lucky to encounter such a wonderful guy at the very moment he was vulnerable to the prospect of the kind of R he was worthy of.

 

about the WS?

 

That he tried his damnedest for so long, but could not make it work alone, especially with the BS a timely working against his best efforts.

 

How do you think they SHOULD react on d-day,

 

Listen to what he is saying, and don't laugh in his face. And when he says he is leaving, believe him

 

and/or to the OW/OM if interaction occurs later?

 

Within the confines of the law, and with due consideration for her own (if no one else's) sustainable mental health. Accept reality - that she is no longer with him, that he has someone else, that she no longer has access to his family, his home, his resources, his social circle, his professional networks, his international reputation or any of the other connections she took for granted and still tries to claim - and that the fOW is here to stay. And realise that continuing to treat people badly will not win sympathy, but increasing isolation.

 

Fair enough...thank you for the detailed answer.

[Lostinlife4now]

Reading through the "affaired down" threads, I saw a lot of posts about how many of the common terms used are just words and phrases to let the BS "feel better" about the affair.

 

Which implies that how they feel about the affair and it's participants is in some fashion "wrong".

 

So that begs a question that comes to mind...

 

What, specifically, do you think the BS SHOULD feel or think about the affair, about the OW/OM, about the WS? How do you think they SHOULD react on d-day, and/or to the OW/OM if interaction occurs later?

 

Let's keep it respectful, but be honest.

 

I'm truly curious just exactly what it is that BS's are "expected" to do versus how they typically seem to respond when the affair comes to light.

 

 

I'm with LFH!

 

Her words have stated exactly how I feel!

 

Don't really care how she would react or should react!

 

It wasn't my husband banging someone else for 8 years!

 

Sorry...just being honest!

 

And while were being honest....guess who called today? Yep you guessed it....XMM! Hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!! I think he is missing me!!!! Too BAD!!!

[Decorative]

I think they should feel like leaving. I certainly would.

 

Lots of us did.

 

Funny thing.

 

They chased after.

[Silly_Girl]

Reading through the "affaired down" threads, I saw a lot of posts about how many of the common terms used are just words and phrases to let the BS "feel better" about the affair.

 

Which implies that how they feel about the affair and it's participants is in some fashion "wrong".

 

So that begs a question that comes to mind...

 

What, specifically, do you think the BS SHOULD feel or think about the affair, about the OW/OM, about the WS? How do you think they SHOULD react on d-day, and/or to the OW/OM if interaction occurs later?

 

Let's keep it respectful, but be honest.

 

I'm truly curious just exactly what it is that BS's are "expected" to do versus how they typically seem to respond when the affair comes to light.

 

In my own personal scenario:

 

She should not have attacked him

She should not have been so shocked seeing as she was still having a relationship with her AP and her affair came years before

She should not have been so shocked that anyone actually wanted him

She was right to be disgusted that he took so long to come clean

She should not have blamed me for his actions or believed I had any significant influence over his actions

She was right to try and remain friends

[Silly_Girl]

Lots of us did.

 

Funny thing.

 

They chased after.

 

My exSO did the same. Once the dust settled he was back to his old ways. I know a few like that.

[Sarabi]

I imagine she wouldn't exactly be jumping for joy feels incredibly hurt angry and betrayed. That another woman could do this to her. Doesn't matter if she knows me or not. Something like this might make you feel a bit insecure because something in your world has been disrupted. So maybe she goes through all the usual things I would go through when things are not great with a man "why am I not enough for him? Doesn't he love me? Why would he do this to me?"

 

I know he told me that she said maybe I was doing it out of revenge because she is married to a man of a different race (so not true I don't understand his preoccupation with race).

I know he told me that she said "what is wrong with these women? Don't they realise the men don't leave their wives?"

 

I don't think I wanted him to leave or for them to separate. In the end I was getting to a point where I just truly wanted him to be happy, whatever his decision. And not about relationships, I just mean about life in general.

 

However I don't think I could be like her (hypocrite right?)

I was an enabler, allowing someone to cheat but if it were me...I wouldn't stick around for that. Married/Kids or otherwise, I would leave if someone wanted to cheat. I would assume they were not happy and felt like I wasn't enough for them so would be happy to set them free on a journey to discover what it is they really want(even if it is right under their nose).

 

One thing he possibly wasn't lying about was when he said to me one day during a discussion: "her love is stronger than my wrath"

 

You know, luckily for him(although the cheeky sod probably doesn't appreciate it) it possibly is and in time, with a lot of work and the effort placed back where it should be(i.e. on her and his family)...hopefully, if it is...then things will be resolved for them and they will both be able to move forward from all this.

I truly hope so...they certainly have endured enough in this life.

[MissBee]

But what does it matter? People have told me here what I should have done instead of having an affair. It didn't matter.

 

If I told you that you should have been little mary sunshine and taken it with a sh*t eating smile, what does it matter? What does that do for you? For anyone?

 

In all seriousness, what the BS should do? Obey the law. Anything else I could say is just opinion, speculation, and hot air.

 

How many things on here really matter?

 

Technically nothing. No thread on here "matters" in that most of us don't know each other offline and have no real investment in situations presented or won't be the ones affected by peoples choices. Yet if we sign up and are regular members, we choose to come here and discuss. It's a discussion board...so you discuss. Some threads are people asking about real issues plaguing them and some are just musings. You don't have to discuss with an intent to effect change...but simply to understand or because you have the internet and want something to do . But I think it's weird to point this out as not mattering when it matters/doesn't matter to the same degree as ever other thread.

 

To the question: I'm a realistic person. I knew the situation I was in and harbored no delusional thoughts about how she should react. I knew if she found out, chances are, her reaction would not be good. This is logical. There was never a dday...but it is a predictable response for a BS to be upset/angry/lose it. It doesn't mean all is acceptable, but it does mean that in light of the facts and human nature, those things are plausible and likely reactions. Anyone expecting otherwise, isn't being realistic IMO.

Edited March 23, 2013 by MissBee

[canuckprincess]

I beleieve the bs feels betrayed, and that their entire marriage was and is a lie. I would imagine they would never trust their spouse fully again. To piggy back off this I'd like to know how a bs feels after dday and they find out the affair never really ended. Are they as devestated as the first dday? Or is it worse. I know the first time I found out my ex husband cheated I was beyond angry the next time it happened I didn't see to care. I guess I had given up on the marriage long before I actually ended my marriage. So I have been the bs, the ws and the ow, so I can relate to all sides.

[AnotherRound]

I think that a BS has the right to feel whatever they feel, and the right to react in any way that they want - as long as it is not illegal and doesn't make them feel badly afterwards. Most adults feel ashamed after they "lose control" and do something drastic (assault, harassment, etc.). Some, I think, feel powerful, and strong. But at the end of the day - I think you have to be proud of yourself, no matter how strong your feelings are - just reacting all willy nilly isn't going to be conducive to much (unless you're one of those people who feels powerful afterwards and isn't ashamed after you act out/lash out).

 

Thing is - no matter what anyone does, BS or not, other people are going to see those actions, and have opinions about them. I have seen a lot of people who are very hurt, and have been very hurt in my life by many things out of my control, and being hurt does NOT make people act out. The inability to handle their feelings, being overwhelmed by their feelings, makes them choose to act out instead of processing those feelings.

 

There are a LOT Of ways to process through feelings without acting out. You can cry, scream, kick, whatever - but once you start to do things that fall under that whole "acting out" umbrella - you simply look like a person who cannot control themselves and behave like an adult.

 

I've seen mothers lose their children and not act out. That type of grief is ranked as THE most stress causing grief of all of them - losing a child to death, and there are people who can handle that grief without attacking others, lashing out, etc.

 

Like I said - being hurt makes one's actions more understandable - but it doesn't justify it. And, processing is hard - nobody likes to do it, it hurts, and it's huge, and it's out of our control - we have to just feel it and let it take its course - and that does suck. But, when we distract ourselves with acting out in some delusional attempt to "take our power back" over something we can't have power over - we do nothing but prolong the process, and sometimes, make a fool out of ourselves in the process.

[stevie_23]

I'm with LHF. Or I was, when I was in my A.

 

I had experienced 3 D-days before the final one ended my A and my ex-MM walked away, and each time, his BS's apparent reaction surprised me slightly, as she simply didn't seem to want to discuss it at all with him. She seemed to just remove the tools he used to communicate with me and assume all would be back to normal. (I say "apparent" and 'seemed" because obviously I don't know 100% what actually happened or what may have been discussed between them.)

 

So I came to expect not much of a reaction from her. But as I said, this DID seem unusual. To be objective, I would expect a typical reaction (not that there probably IS ever a typical reaction, as everyone and every situation is unique) may be shock, anger, intense pain, sometimes self-blame or shame, and this may result in ending the marriage or it may just result in...not a lot, on the outside, but a HUGE change inside perhaps. Or perhaps not. I really have no idea.

 

But yeah, in MY case, after the 3rd D-day, I lived in constant fear of the next one because I just KNEW that'd be it. Something would be different somehow. And it was.

[BetrayedH]

I think that a BS has the right to feel whatever they feel, and the right to react in any way that they want - as long as it is not illegal and doesn't make them feel badly afterwards. Most adults feel ashamed after they "lose control" and do something drastic (assault, harassment, etc.). Some, I think, feel powerful, and strong. But at the end of the day - I think you have to be proud of yourself, no matter how strong your feelings are - just reacting all willy nilly isn't going to be conducive to much (unless you're one of those people who feels powerful afterwards and isn't ashamed after you act out/lash out).

 

Thing is - no matter what anyone does, BS or not, other people are going to see those actions, and have opinions about them. I have seen a lot of people who are very hurt, and have been very hurt in my life by many things out of my control, and being hurt does NOT make people act out. The inability to handle their feelings, being overwhelmed by their feelings, makes them choose to act out instead of processing those feelings.

 

There are a LOT Of ways to process through feelings without acting out. You can cry, scream, kick, whatever - but once you start to do things that fall under that whole "acting out" umbrella - you simply look like a person who cannot control themselves and behave like an adult.

 

I've seen mothers lose their children and not act out. That type of grief is ranked as THE most stress causing grief of all of them - losing a child to death, and there are people who can handle that grief without attacking others, lashing out, etc.

 

Like I said - being hurt makes one's actions more understandable - but it doesn't justify it. And, processing is hard - nobody likes to do it, it hurts, and it's huge, and it's out of our control - we have to just feel it and let it take its course - and that does suck. But, when we distract ourselves with acting out in some delusional attempt to "take our power back" over something we can't have power over - we do nothing but prolong the process, and sometimes, make a fool out of ourselves in the process.

 

You know, I agree with a lot of this. But at the same time, I have to disagree with your conclusion in some cases. I am normally a very controlled and very balanced person. I have handled a lot of adversity in my life and frankly handled it with a considerable amount of grace. When I first discovered my wife's PA via 17 hotel stays, I consulted with an attorney and hired a PI but when I confronted her and she broke down, I held her while she cried. When she expressed horrible remorse and committed to no lying, no cheating, and no contact, I softened. When it took a long time for her to transfer, I exposed to the OM's wife but didn't seek to ruin his life and restrained myself from exposing to their workplace. When she finally did transfer and I caught her in contact with him in a 2 min work-related conversation, I showed restraint. When she cried, apologized profusely for it, and swore she would never lie to me again, I tempered my anger. Time and time again, I took the high road. But when I discovered that she had been lying straight to my face for the entirety of our seven-month false reconciliation (and I found this out in rather dramatic fashion), I snapped. I literally threw her out the front door; she got scraped up and I spent a night in jail. I'm not proud of it but there is something about gaslighting, deliberate betrayal, and emotional manipulation over the course of months or years that is such a violation that I don't think the victim of it is entirely responsible for their actions. A person can use these methods to break a person and when they do, it doesn't mean that the victim "failed to have healthy coping mechanisms" or that they "acted out" like some teenager having a tantrum. It's easy to say that everyone is responsible for their own actions and reactions and normally I would agree. But my wife gets to own half of the responsibility for the last night of our marriage and frankly, I don't really care who thinks otherwise.

Edited March 23, 2013 by BetrayedH

[Decorative]

Right. He'll chase after...until the dust settles.

 

Nah.

 

Not when he or she has to move mountains to prove to the betrayed that he's worth it.

 

It's a different dynamic.

 

But no worries to you. Your guy isn't even married. He should be able to choose one of his girlfriends easily, and you'll avoid an issue.

[Sarabi]

if you don't mind me asking, what did he mean by this?

 

Hi FrozenSprouts

Ok, so one day we were talking about being aries (you know there is a part of our starsign that makes us quick tempered, impatient etc. lol) and he was talking about how in the beginning of their relationship, he used to do stuff to her to test her love for him. I don't know what because he didn't say. I know in the past he had a lot of relationships where the girls were very nasty or rejected him and he had been deeply hurt by all this. To be honest I think he still is hurt by those past relationships(I am sorry to say).

ANYWAY! He said that he is not ashamed to say that his wife was the one who taught him how to love and that even though he was angry or can get very angry about things, the anger he feels in certain situations can never be more than the wife his love shows him.

That sounds confused but it was something like that...

So. I suppose relating to current events...even though he was shouting and screaming at me through text and saying such nasty things out of anger...whatever love his wife has for him is more than this anger he feels towards me.

Hmmmmm...

[waterwoman]

I'd love to get the definitive answer to this question too. When forced to face the reality of a lover's marriage and spouse, and all their pain and anger, does it change anything in the OPs mind?

[Got it]

How many things on here really matter?

 

Technically nothing. No thread on here "matters" in that most of us don't know each other offline and have no real investment in situations presented or won't be the ones affected by peoples choices. Yet if we sign up and are regular members, we choose to come here and discuss. It's a discussion board...so you discuss. Some threads are people asking about real issues plaguing them and some are just musings. You don't have to discuss with an intent to effect change...but simply to understand or because you have the internet and want something to do . But I think it's weird to point this out as not mattering when it matters/doesn't matter to the same degree as ever other thread.

 

To the question: I'm a realistic person. I knew the situation I was in and harbored no delusional thoughts about how she should react. I knew if she found out, chances are, her reaction would not be good. This is logical. There was never a dday...but it is a predictable response for a BS to be upset/angry/lose it. It doesn't mean all is acceptable, but it does mean that in light of the facts and human nature, those things are plausible and likely reactions. Anyone expecting otherwise, isn't being realistic IMO.

 

Why would any BS, including the BS in my case care what I think she should have done/felt and how she should have reacted?

 

I had no opinion on what I THOUGHT she should do. I made assumptions on what I speculated her reaction would be but I didn't have a list of what was deemed acceptable or not. That is outside my scope.