phase4 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I've been lurking around here for quite a while, and have gotten a lot of great info. I was happy to just keep lurking but something has happened that is making me so mad I had to post to vent and get some feedback. My H had an A that lasted for a couple of weeks with a woman he met at the gym they both go to, and he came clean to me about it. I was devestated. I was crying and literally ran out on him. I finally calmed down enough to read the texts he was sending me asking me to come home and talk so I did. He was crying and telling me he'd made a huge msitake and he was so sorry and what could he do to make things right. We talked for a long time, and made an appointment to see a counselor. He was a big help to us, and we are finally beginning to feel normal again. The problem is his ex OW. She was calling him and texting him all the time so he blocked her number. She was emailing him telling him that even though their A was very short, she loves him and wants him back, otherwise she would tell wifey all about their A. He sent her a very nice message which he showed me first telling her that he was sorry he hurt her, but he'd already told her it was over and now she needs to leave him alone. Yesterday she sent me a message on Facebook telling me all about their affair and it was all stuff I already knew. She also told me she was hurting and I should feel sorry for her and that if it wasn't for me, they'd be together. I was stunned and very upset. How dare she say that to me! How is her feeling bad my fault? If anything, it's her own fault. She knew he was married and she slept with him anyway. If anything, her bad feelings are her own dam fault, and she needs to leave me alone. I didn't respond to her because I don't want to be involved in any drama, and I haven't heard anymore from her. Right now my blood is boiling, and if I saw her I'd probably tell her off. How is her feeling bad my fault? What did I ever do to her? Why can't she just let it go? They were only seeing each other for about three weeks and now she says she's in love with him? He showed me the emails and texts and there's no ILYs in there anywhere. They are mostly just flirting or setting up plans to meet. There wasn't really any affection at all. What's with all the drama from her? He wasn't rude or hurtful to her and she's acting like a spoiled child who is having a temper tantrum because she didn't get her own way. 1
underwater2010 Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 You have done all the right steps. Block email, phones etc. the only thing I suggest is that u block her on Facebook and lock down your privacy settings. That might include getting rid of mutual friends. Good luck. Sounds she is a little nuts. You might want to be prepared for her to out him even more in public. But there is nothing you can do to prevent that. 7
NotCamelot Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I agree ......... If you two are doing well, then no contact with the OW is the best thing. Putting it behind you is the best thing.....keeping it out of the present. If it stays in the present it is really hard to move past it. And, he should change gyms....if not already. 4
sweet_pea Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Keep up with what you're doing and ignore her. Block her (both you & hubs) from contacting you all on social media, phone, email, etc. Don't entertain her attempts to make matters worse. As for your questions: You did not do anything to her. All of her problems are just that-- hers. She got involved with your husband willingly, and unfortunately, this is the fallout. Please do not let her make you feel bad, or guilt you into feeling bad. I understand that yes, she may be in pain, but so are you and you certainly had no say in the matter. 6
JPMC Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 It sounds to me like this isn't a happy person inside. The relationship with your husband is the only thing in her life that made her happy. You are the scapegoat that is preventing her from happiness. You are an innocent victim. Just ignore her. Have enough dignity not to stoop to her level and respond. I suggest to have your husband build a home gym so you can keep an eye on that philanderer
HopingAgain Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I find it very unlikely that some OW would behave like that after, first you said two weeks and then later three weeks, no don't believe that one and I am guessing your H is minimising. I am guessing it was longer and that your H has not shown you all the emails. That said, he said it is over, and he needs to deal with it, - make him but don't get involved it is not your fault, it's his. Just my opinion as an OW Its not unlikely at all. The OW in my situation behaved in a similar fashion and I have proof that their affair was only 2 weeks long. Some OW just romanticize their affair so much that they fall quickly! 2
beenburned Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 phase4, Welcome! Sorry you now belong to the club no one wanted to join! I am very impressed that your H confessed and agreed to go to counseling! That is a very good start for a successful reconciliation. Do everything in your power to block every way this XOW has to communicate with you and your H! She sounds like a sore loser that is out for revenge. Good luck and keep us updated! 4
HopingAgain Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Block her from FB, continue counseling with husband, get him to quit that gym, change # and email, and do some monitoring for awhile of his behavior and activity. It sounds like the OW is the competitive type that feels you took your own husband from HER. Foolish woman! I guarantee you ignoring her as if she doesnt even exist will get rid of her faster than anything else. 3
sweet_pea Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I find it very unlikely that some OW would behave like that after, first you said two weeks and then later three weeks, no don't believe that one and I am guessing your H is minimising. I am guessing it was longer and that your H has not shown you all the emails. That said, he said it is over, and he needs to deal with it, - make him but don't get involved it is not your fault, it's his. Just my opinion as an OW I thought about that too, but OP said that when the OW contacted her husband, she also acknowledged that the A was short.
HopingAgain Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Then you have permission to call her a bunny boiler lol For some women, its not even about the affair itself, its the perceived competition and blow to their ego when their AP pulls the plug.The OW in our case didnt even know hubby that well. Once he stopped contact she started pursuing him and texting him asking why he wasnt talking to her and was he in trouble at home, and that she missed him,trying to rope him back in. Some really are off balance.
3blindmice Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 I've been lurking around here for quite a while, and have gotten a lot of great info. I was happy to just keep lurking but something has happened that is making me so mad I had to post to vent and get some feedback. My H had an A that lasted for a couple of weeks with a woman he met at the gym they both go to, and he came clean to me about it. I was devestated. I was crying and literally ran out on him. I finally calmed down enough to read the texts he was sending me asking me to come home and talk so I did. He was crying and telling me he'd made a huge msitake and he was so sorry and what could he do to make things right. We talked for a long time, and made an appointment to see a counselor. He was a big help to us, and we are finally beginning to feel normal again. The problem is his ex OW. She was calling him and texting him all the time so he blocked her number. She was emailing him telling him that even though their A was very short, she loves him and wants him back, otherwise she would tell wifey all about their A. He sent her a very nice message which he showed me first telling her that he was sorry he hurt her, but he'd already told her it was over and now she needs to leave him alone. Yesterday she sent me a message on Facebook telling me all about their affair and it was all stuff I already knew. She also told me she was hurting and I should feel sorry for her and that if it wasn't for me, they'd be together. I was stunned and very upset. How dare she say that to me! How is her feeling bad my fault? If anything, it's her own fault. She knew he was married and she slept with him anyway. If anything, her bad feelings are her own dam fault, and she needs to leave me alone. I didn't respond to her because I don't want to be involved in any drama, and I haven't heard anymore from her. Right now my blood is boiling, and if I saw her I'd probably tell her off. How is her feeling bad my fault? What did I ever do to her? Why can't she just let it go? They were only seeing each other for about three weeks and now she says she's in love with him? He showed me the emails and texts and there's no ILYs in there anywhere. They are mostly just flirting or setting up plans to meet. There wasn't really any affection at all. What's with all the drama from her? He wasn't rude or hurtful to her and she's acting like a spoiled child who is having a temper tantrum because she didn't get her own way. You're not responsible for her choices so don't feel like you are. You may want to think about documenting and saving evidence incase she continues to contact you. You have to show proof of harassment to get a restraining order. If she leaves you alone, you can delete it and forget about her but if she doesn't you have the means to stop her. 5
NotCamelot Posted March 22, 2013 Posted March 22, 2013 Yes, print and keep anything you can that comes from her. You may never need it, hopefully. But it is better to have and not need that it is to need and not have. 3
Author phase4 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 Thanks everyone for your feedback. Mon Cheri, I believe my H over her. He told me without being prompted about his A. He showed me emails between them, and the information she sent fits his exactly. He doesn't seem to be minimizing anything. When I said a couple of weeks, it's an expression. I didn't mean literally two weeks. Please stop reading things into my situation that are not there. Everyone else, my H has quit the gym. we are stuck with the fees for the next six months, but he says that it's a small price to pay to not have to see her anymore. I've locked down my Facebook, and we have records of all the emails and phone records too. I think that made her angry to know that I already knew about their affair. I did send her one message back to thank her for telling me about the affair but that I already knew everything she told me. I wished her good luck in the rest of her life. I got a very rude message back almost right away that basically said that she should be the one who is with him and not me, and so I have closed off my Facebook profile to anyone I don't know in person. My husband wants to close his Facebook account completely, but I told him he doesn't need to. he says he wants to anyway. 3
Author phase4 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Posted March 22, 2013 I think she is angry that he chose me over her. I don't understand why she is this upset. He never lied to her or made her any promises. Even she said that in the first message she sent. She said something along the lines of if I hadn't been around, he'd have wanted to stay with her and fallen in love, but because of me he never got the chance to. She never said in any of the messages between them that she loved him or had any feelings for him, and he never said that to her. Now all of a sudden she loves him? I hope she moves on soon and becomes someone elses problem. 4
ComingInHot Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Phase4, Well, I think the exOW in my stitch may have had a cousin and your H found and learned that not all OW's are for the most part decent. ( I've met some amazing ladies here who are ow's exOW's and they are really wonderful women). But we got stuck with the not so "normal" ones... You did NOTHING to the exOW. Do NOT allow her to manipulate you or cause you to doubt your H and your R - but don't be stupid either and if she says that your H is still in contact with her, CHECK... HE has to earn your trust back and exOW has to step back. Now for My question to you... How does your H feel about her contacting you via social media and other means? My H was enraged and he decided to get legal support to "encourage" her to stop. I knew at that moment that things w/us were going to be okay* 2
beenburned Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 phase4, OMG, her response is unbelieveable! I feel so bad for you having to deal with her. Glad your H is doing everything possible to fix this sh**! How long have you been married?
HopingAgain Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 (edited) Funny how some kind of people tend to believe that everyone is lying... usually people judge other's behavior using their own as measurement ..... I can't speak for anyone else, but when a BS and WS are working on reconciliation, those kinds of posts by OW can come off as encouraging suspicion and mistrust. Believe me, BS don't need any help feeling that way naturally after finding out about the affair. Yes, its important to stay grounded in reality that our WS could be lying about certain things, but to suggest that its likely that we are being lied to, if our WS has not given us any further reason to is counterproductive to rebuilding spouses. Edited March 23, 2013 by HopingAgain 6
AnotherRound Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I agree with others posting that you should document, document, document. If she is messaging you - save them. If she texts you or him - save them. Calls? Save them - record them if possible. If their affair truly was only a couple of weeks long - maybe he wasn't honest with her about some things. That isn't really your problem though, I agree - but that may be why she is acting out. Again - not justified and not your problem, just a possible "reason". Sounds like he picked a pretty unstable person to have an affair with. That happens sometimes - there are all kinds of unstable people on all sides of the fence, definitely. She may escalate and do crazy things - she may not - but you should be prepared, imo. You should be ready to get a RO if that becomes necessary - know how to go about that before you need it, just in case. And keep EVERYTHING she sends you no matter how she contacts the two of you. You might have enough already for an RO - not sure what all you have still? If I was you, I wouldn't interact with her at all. I've found that when someone is acting out like that, they get some kind of powerful feeling when you interact with them - and they escalate. I had a crazy OW contacting me after I ended with my exMM - and I could tell that was unstable and capable of crazy behaviors. Don't invite them, and don't deal with them. Like you said, she is NOT your problem. But, if you interact with her and egg on the contact - she will become your problem.
jnel921 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Welcome Phase4. The OW sounds like mine did. She too foolishly told me how's she was hurt and how I needed to hurt too. She was a total mental patient. I blocked her from our phones and Facebook. Your H sounds remorseful and like mine wants to work on saving your marriage. Good luck to you.
3blindmice Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 In the united states, it's illegal to record someone's conversation without their knowledge. Only law enforcement can do it. To original poster be sure to check the laws in your state before taking action like recording a conversation.
AnotherRound Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 In the united states, it's illegal to record someone's conversation without their knowledge. Only law enforcement can do it. To original poster be sure to check the laws in your state before taking action like recording a conversation. Um - I'm in the US, and in my state, only ONE person has to know the convo is being recorded - and that can be the person recording it. Not sure where you are - but that's not true of all states.
AnotherRound Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Um - I'm in the US, and in my state, only ONE person has to know the convo is being recorded - and that can be the person recording it. Not sure where you are - but that's not true of all states. Just as info - only 12 states require both parties know - other states are one party consent. Here's a link for those in the US... COVERTLY RECORDING TELEPHONE CONVERSATIONS
3blindmice Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 (edited) Um - I'm in the US, and in my state, only ONE person has to know the convo is being recorded - and that can be the person recording it. Not sure where you are - but that's not true of all states. That's why I told her to check the laws in her state. No sense in giving the person who's harassing her a tool to do even more damage. edited to add; I'm in a state where it's illegal. Thanks for the link. Edited March 23, 2013 by 3blindmice 1
AnotherRound Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 That's why I told her to check the laws in her state. No sense in giving the person who's harassing her a tool to do even more damage. edited to add; I'm in a state where it's illegal. Thanks for the link. Oh, my bad - sorry! I thought you said that in the US it was illegal - and I knew it wasn't in my state, as I've had to do it before! No problem on the link - it's nice to know if you can where you live as it does come in handy sometimes!
3blindmice Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 (edited) That's why I told her to check the laws in her state. No sense in giving the person who's harassing her a tool to do even more damage. edited to add; I'm in a state where it's illegal. Thanks for the link. I can't edit my post agian but I wanted to add the bottom of the page you linked because it sounds like it's saying it not legal according to federal law. If I'm reading it wrong please let me know. [FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]In all 50 states and through federal law, it's considered illegal to record telephone conversations outside of one party consent. There are a couple of exceptions. In the state of California, one party consent can be applied only under circumstances in which one party is involved in criminal activity which would include extortion or blackmail. In the state of Arizona, the subscriber to a telephone service can record telephone conversations with no party consent when criminal activity is involved. Other than those two known exceptions, all other recordings outside of those states that permit one party consent are a violation of state and federal law. The question is often asked by clients if they can record the telephone conversations of their spouse in a domestic case or the conversations of their children concerning drug usage. In both of these cases, the answer is it's unlawful. Many clients will complain that they own the telephone and pay the telephone bill so they should therefore have a right to record what they want. However, the law doesn't address who owns the phone nor who pays the phone bill. It only addresses the use of one party and all party consent. Anything outside of that is a violation of state law and federal wiretapping law.[/FONT] sorry, I quoted the wrong post meant to quot your's. Edited March 23, 2013 by 3blindmice
Recommended Posts