Are abrupt breakups more common than the slow kind??

[Damsel in Distress]

My experience with breakups has always been the slow kind - things get less happy, there are some disagreements, discussion about being dissatisfied and what needs to change, attempts to make it work out. It's clear the relationship isn't working, and finally giving up.

 

My current breakup is the abrupt kind where everything seemed to be going fine, no sign there is a problem in the relationship, no arguments or disagreements, saying all the right things and sounding happy, and then POOF! didn't hear from him for two weeks, then a conversation about just meeting somebody new and being confused, and then just gone, no debriefing, etc.

 

It seems crazy to me for people to walk away from years-long relationships that abruptly without some attempts to discuss their dissatisfaction or work through things, or at least to give a little heads up to the dumpee and try to explain/give closure to the dumpee. But the more I read on the forums, this doesn't seem like an uncommon way to break up. Is this really a normal, common way to break up with somebody?? Is it the recommended way to break up with somebody (ettiquette-wise)?

 

I think the feelings must change weeks or months before the abrupt cutoff but the dumper just pretends things are fine until they are ready to dump??

 

Just finding it hard to comprehend why somebody breaks up in this abrupt way, but maybe I'm old-school and didn't realize this is just how it's done these days. Any thoughts?

[morichu]

Unfortunately, there are no true 'abrupt' breakups outside of finding out your partner had an affair or something.

 

This guy didn't "suddenly" feel confused, he'd been feeling confused for awhile and just wanted to ride things out a little longer.

[Cogee]

I think when a relationship ends abruptly (to the dumpee) it means the dumper had been dissatisfied with the state of things and found someone else along the way. I think in general the dumper doesn't plan to end things earlier because they have some hope for things to improve, or maybe they are afraid to let go without another in the picture.

 

When faced with a new face, and fresh start, along with all the love emotions rushing in, it's easy for them to feel less for you and for them to forget about you. This culminates in them seemingly dropping you cold and abruptly when in reality all they are doing is pushing their feelings for you out to make room for their new interest.

 

Should they have broke up with you earlier if they were dissatisfied? Perhaps, but maybe they thought things could be worked out over time.

[J_L_C]

I think when a relationship ends abruptly (to the dumpee) it means the dumper had been dissatisfied with the state of things and found someone else along the way. I think in general the dumper doesn't plan to end things earlier because they have some hope for things to improve, or maybe they are afraid to let go without another in the picture.

 

When faced with a new face, and fresh start, along with all the love emotions rushing in, it's easy for them to feel less for you and for them to forget about you. This culminates in them seemingly dropping you cold and abruptly when in reality all they are doing is pushing their feelings for you out to make room for their new interest.

 

Should they have broke up with you earlier if they were dissatisfied? Perhaps, but maybe they thought things could be worked out over time.

 

Abrupt breakups are terrible! It shows such disrespect to the person with whom they shared such an intimate bond.

 

I have to disagree with the statement that there MUST be someone else in the picture.

 

I was with a fantastic man for a year. Things were great! The day before we broke up, I stayed over at his house. He acted in the same manner, telling me he loves me so much, affectionate, etc. We were also planning some events in the next coming weeks. The next morning he was acting a little strange and I asked him about it. It was at that point when he said "I'm not sure about us anymore. I don't think I'm in love with you". Eventually later that day, he called things off. Talk about abrupt!

 

I think it is SO UNFAIR for someone to avoid talking about their doubts preceeding the breakup. The other party is by no means prepared for the news to come and it makes the fallout that much worse. I probed my ex for months about how this could happen like that. I really thought he respected me and our relationship a lot more than what he gave credit to. It is the cowards way out. I think it's always best to be honest with your partner along the way, even if that makes things awkward or has the potential to end things prematurely. It's what's right.

[Addison312]

Abrupt breakups usually just mean that one person is blindsided but the dumper has been contemplating the action for a while. It may seem abrupt, but a break up seed has been planted and waiting for an opportunity.

[Cogee]

Abrupt breakups are terrible! It shows such disrespect to the person with whom they shared such an intimate bond.

 

I agree that it isn't a guarantee that is what is happening, because it all depends on the triggers. Maybe during the planning of the events he felt that he would rather be spending his time doing something else, and then he thought about it more that evening and realized he was no longer in love. Of course you know the situation far better than anyone else.

 

I completely agree that it's unfair and I wish my ex would have talked to me about her doubts before they reached the point of no return. I was pretty stable with the long distance because I was busy and could keep my mind occupied. She wasn't as busy as me and clearly she had the time to foster another relationship, so if she had talked to me about this perceived imbalance earlier we could have come to a compromise.

 

It's pretty hard to work on problems if we don't know they exist.

 

Abrupt breakups usually just mean that one person is blindsided but the dumper has been contemplating the action for a while. It may seem abrupt, but a break up seed has been planted and waiting for an opportunity.

 

Exactly, it's not necessarily that there is someone else (though I would argue this is by far the most common trigger) but it is always about opportune moments.