Tremendous Anxiety

[Gnote]

Hi all,

 

I am new here, but my problem is not. This is a very long post, but I hope you'll find it intriguing. Please have a read and tell me your thoughts. You don't know how much I will appreciate it.

 

I am currently 21 years old, have a university degree, and am working on a second. I met my current girlfriend (22 years old, currently) in 1998 and was very good friends with her until we started dating about 15 months ago. Throughout the entire time I've known her (save for a couple of stints in other relationships, totally about 1 year) I longed to be "more than friends," if you will. So when she finally suggested that we start seeing each other as boyfriend and girlfriend last June (2003), I was thrilled inexplicably.

 

The first four months were the best of my life. I longed to see her all of the time and got those "tingles" when we were together. In mid-August, we "proclaimed our love" (that sounds uber-corney, sorry, not meant that way) for one another. At about the four-month mark, she had to leave town to do an internship in a smaller community about one hour's drive from the city that both of us live in. She would be returning on weekends and we would talk on the phone most nights. Soon after she left a terrible anxiety came over me. I was not so sure any more that I was actually in love with this girl and not so sure that I wanted to be with her anymore. There was nothing concrete that I can say brought this on, and the anxiety was not your everyday insecurity. The anxiety was well beyond what the rational person would consider normal, given the circumstances.

 

For the next few weeks, this anxiety completely dominated my thoughts and feelings. I was mature about it, however, and the two of us talked it over. She was alarmed, naturally, but she was good to me and told me that if I needed some time to sort things out, I could take it. So we had a week-long "break," which wasn't hard, considering our proximity.

 

This is where it gets complicated. The break was nothing final, and as such, it served little purpose. I was still tossing the feelings around in my head, trying to figure them out without much success. To me, she seemed like "the one." She was everything that I ever wanted, mainly because for the most part the only girl I ever truly wanted was her. I ended this break with a promise that from that point forward the two of us would work through our problems together.

 

Since that time, these feelings of complete anxiety have come and gone. The only way I can think to explain these feelings when they are present is that being with her feels 100% right and 100% wrong at the same time. You can probably appreciate my discomfort with these thoughts, given that they have been coming and going for roughly a year now. I can say for a fact that they are worse when I am stressed by outside things (such as the beginning of school). Throughout the summer that just ended, there were very few times that I felt the anxiety. Now that school is starting up once again, they seem to have returned.

 

I have read various articles and books on the subject, and Stephen Zokol's "He's Scared, She's Scared" tends to describe my fears to a T. The problem is, he doesn't offer any solutions, only confirms that others have what he calls "committmentphobia."

 

In short, I need some help. I feel like this anxiety will never leave. I want more than anything to wake up in the morning and know that what the two of us have is right. I want to stop rearing back from time to time when I tell her I love her. I WANT desparately to spend the rest of my life with this woman, but how do I know if it is right?

 

Sorry for the length of this post. I thank any of you very very much for any type of insight you can levy.

 

Thanks again.

[uriel]

Steven Carter (the doctor who wrote He's Scared, She Scared) would recommend psychodynamic psychotherapy. That's an intensive process, but the only one that's likely to get at the underlying issues that are causing your panic.

 

You can find his Q & A at http://www.power-surge.com/cgi-bin/ask_experts/archive.cgi?relationships. Write him there if you'd like personal advice. I've written in before and he answered right away.

 

BTW, I recommended his site to another guy here (Jason) and you'll find their exchange cut and pasted below.

 

-- uriel

 

Jason: Hello, just found out I am a commitmentphobic, I am where the anxiety has gotten so bad in the relationship that I am sick physically, emotionally torn apart, & having a hard time even seeing her at all. I have read "Men Who Can't Love", & "Getting To Commitment" & I am willing to do everything to succeed, but what should I do in the meantime for relief, I have tried medication, cognitive programs, & the only thing that works is total separation, she is totally understanding about the situation & admires that I want to get help, so what should I do now? My plan is to build back my self esteem, see a Christian counselor Weekly, then get couple's counseling w/ her, does that sound like the right steps?We have agreed to call each other only if we have to, is that a mistake? Jason

 

Dr. Carter: The separation is a very good idea. Calling her probably isn't. If she understands that you love her, but you have a sickness that punishes her, she'll have an easier time with your decision to not call. She can't protect herself because she's in love. You can help by staying away from the phone. If you're going to get better, counseling will probably not be enough. You need serious psychotherapy. There is damage deep within and it must be healed on a very deep level. No surprise that medication doesn't work. Medication treats symptoms. You need to treat the core.

 

Jason (who wrote back in): Hello Steven, Thank you so much for your advice. You said Counseling will probably not work, what I need is a Psychotherapist to get to the core of the problem, isn't that the same as what a counselor does? Also I am overwhelmed looking for a therapist like that, there are so many different ones, and I lost my job and I am broke, this counselor offered to take me on free through the church, he has a degree in psychology? I am really confused about where to start, & what to look for exactly, if I don't even remember my past problems or even understand the core of them, would it be better to go to a hypnotherapist. Please help. Thanks Jason

 

Dr. Carter: Start with the counselor because it's the only thing you can afford right now. But please understand that most counselor's don't have the depth of training to handle intense levels of commitmentphobic distress. Their intentions are good, however. So start there. But talk to your counselor about where you might be able to find low cost psychodynamic psychotherapy. Use that phrase: psychodynamic psychotherapy. People with this type of training are experts at navigating the psyche. But right now, some basic help and a place to feel safe is a good beginning.

[fredrolin]

I am married and have been with my wife 10 years now.

 

I often feel like my wife isn't the one for me; but then again we have a great life and want for nothing.

 

Honestly I don't know what I want and this gives me alot of anxiety.

 

Sometimes when I am home with my wife I feel uncomfortable and if I leave the house alone I feel a sense of calm come over me.

 

I fear losing my wife but sometimes I wish we would break up. I don't get these feeling like during an arguement or anything, the thoughts just come over me.

[madster]

It's obviously healthy to have occasional fears an anxiety about yourself and the other, it is also healthy to maybe ponder if the grass is greener on the other side. But once you hop over to that other side and look back, you'll notice that the grass you left was just as green and maybe even greener. I say trust yourself and don't worry you or her with these anxieties, they are natural.