It's been so hard and now I feel numb...

[skyecko]

My ex broke up with me about 7 weeks ago after I didn't give her the space she had requested. She said that she has priorities she needs to deal with and can't have a relationship right now. Her priorities are her kids, obtaining her citizenship, and she is still married but seperated. She asked for no contact asking me to trust her, stating: "If it's meant to be it will be and I know no matter how much time passes we will be together but we just can't do it right now."

 

So I have been dealing with this no-contact thing. It has been really difficult. For the first month I did what she asked for. Then once a week for the last 2 weeks I text her for 5 min general conversations. She text back. However she does not text me on her own.

 

The previous week she called me because she was worried I was going to say something to her husband and then she tells me again to trust her and that she is thinking about me everyday.

 

I stay confused as to what her intentions are.

 

I am doing my best with no contact although each day I want to write her a long text saying this or that; like saying "I trust you with my heart." -- or telling her why I think we are good together and how I would make an excellent father/husband/companion for her and the kids.

 

Yesterday I started to feel nuetral. I'm not sure what this means. I think it means I am giving up control and trying to trust that things will work out. Trust is a big issue for me. And it was one of the things she had been upset about with me in the past. Because I once asked if she had been drinking and she felt like I didn't trust her because of that. I don't trust the effects of alcohol on someone; but I do trust her.

 

So today I am feeling nuetral and blah. Just kinda existing.

[skyecko]

The reason I have difficulty trusting on the alcohol issue is because my previous marriage my ex-wife came home from drinking and had slept with someone she had been talking with. I trusted her completely before that time and never worried about anything. So when my girlfriend told me I didn't trust her she didn't understand why I reacted that way with her.

[Wellington]

I feel bad for you. I'm in the same situation although Im the OW.

 

My MM and I have told each other we love each other, he has confided that he wants to leave his wife, I told him I would go away and give him space. He says, "please don't ever go away, let me sort my life out, then I'll come get you".

 

The hardest part is living in limbo. I feel like a mushroom. (Kept in the dark and fed s*#t). My head says forget him, my heart doesn't listen. I have been completely cut off, I have no idea what is in his head and I feel completely out of control.

 

As much as I want to reach out, I won't. My pride wins. I won't be the needy, insecure mess that Im sure he expects me to be. So, I carry on with my days, surround myself with family & friends, go to the gym and drink .

 

It's hard, but put yourself first. Every time you reach out, you demean yourself. I've done it, then wished I hadn't. It made me look weak (something not very attractive). Vent here, write emails, get your feelings out but send them to a draft folder. Do NOT hit send.....

 

"Don't ever miss someone who would allow you to miss them for too long"!

[skyecko]

Yeah, I have been drinking also. Not much. I'm not a drinker. But to avoid going home to an empty house and thinking.

 

She asked me to trust her but I'm having difficulty understanding why she is asking that of me if were not together?

 

The way she comes off is like she has a plan and wants me to be patient; however her action of breaking up with me and asking for no contact makes me feel different. I really DON'T understand. I swear she is sending me mixed signals for me to be so confused.

 

I have been trying very hard to not come off as needy, insecure, or push her further away.

[Wellington]

Yes, I was lead to believe that there is this "plan" as well. He needs to "sort his life out". He definitely has a right to do that although he has no right keeping me on some sort of back burner while he does it. "Dont go away, Ill be back, I will see you soon" keeps me engaged and hoping. A more honest approach if he wanted it to be over rather than feed me BS would have been better. At least I would know he isn't coming back.

 

I'm like you. I don't know what to think. Does he really love me? Will he really come back? What's going on? It's killing me.

 

I have given myself a deadline. If I haven't heard from him by then, I move on without him.

 

I survived just fine before I met him, I just need to get to that place again.

[skyecko]

Yeah, just like you said. I feel like I'm being held hostage with uncertainty of her intentions. All I want is a clear cut message as to what her plan is if she has one. Instead she is not giving it to me. And asking will seem needy and push her away when she already asked for space. I don't mind waiting. I just need to know I'm not waiting alone. Maybe she is saying she doesn't know what the future holds yet because of her situations (kids, marriage, citizenship). When I spoke to her before she said she hoped the citizenship would be done soon and then she paused almost like saying she wanted to get back to her life and be able to do what she really wanted; inference me. She didn't say it; but that's how it felt to me.

[skyecko]

Also, everyone is telling me I am her backup plan. I don't like hearing that; backup plan to what? She already said she doesn't love her husband and wants a divorce. He is not living at the house. He visits everyday to see the kids. She says she cares for him and always will but that's it. Our relationship started going downhill quickly after I questioned her about drinking and she saying that I didn't trust her. Thats when she asked for space. But how can I make her realize i DO trust her??!!

[Wellington]

Hmmmm, clearly she feels her drinking might be an issue? Not so much for you but maybe for her too. Maybe it's a sensitive issue. Maybe her ex questioned her ALOT? Who knows. I guess it all depends on how bad it was and how persistent you were about it? Maybe she is seeking help right now and having to start from the bottom means letting go of some things to be able to deal with others from a clearer stand point. It's hard for people like us. We tend to be nurturers and we want to help while others prefer going it alone. It could just be as simple as different personality types.

 

As hard as it is though, you NEED to get out. When I sit around it gives me too much time to think. Being busy really does help. It's when I stop and turn on the computer. I'm instantly drawn to my email, hoping there will be SOMETHING from him. When there isn't, I feel empty again. It makes me feel as if this is SO easy for him and he just doesn't care.

 

Gnome the negative people on here. Some people really seem to enjoy kicking people when they are down. I appreciate the honesty from some as they are not so brash about it. Chin up.....this too shall pass...

[skyecko]

1. She went to Vegas on trip. She said she didnt know what time she got in. That didn't make sense to me so I asked her if she had been drinking. She said why would I ask her that when I know she doesn't drink. For next 3 days she only text me once a day.

 

2. She comes back from trip and go to her house. She is acting strange. No emotions; no holding hands or affection. I feel weird. She gets upset with me an ask me to leave. She says I don't trust her; that she needs space. She then text me the following.

 

I have fear for many things that if I do something wrong bad things could happen, I have told you many times we aren't perfect but I know you are perfect for me, I want to make you happy And i know I can do it, I told you I need to get things straight and all I'm asking is give me time and space, if you think that this will ruin wherever we have, I'm sorry, I want to be with you with no fear of anything, it might be hard but I think this is the way, I don't want this relation to get very strong then brake, that will hurt more than if we wait and do the right thing, I didn't know talking to you getting to know each other will became a relationship, I do want to be your girlfriend and you my boyfriend but I need space and time to little by little change my life and include you in it. Everything has happen really fast for good but at the same as fast can break if we don't do the right things. I like you and care about you a lot, I hope you really understand me, I noticed I don't like to repeat things but I will learn to do it to make sure we understand each other.

 

3. For the next 3 weeks we do not spend time together and she doesn't ask. I bring her flowers to work a couple of times but communication drops off from her. No sex or affection; or anything.

 

4. After the 3rd week I go to her workplace to give her a card. She gets upset with me and says she had told me not to come to her workplace anymore. She then tells me "Whatever this is I want it to stop!" -- I leave and go home. She then text me the following.

 

 

"ThankYou for giving me the time and space I need, yes I want to know too how you areand say hello sometimes but for me is really hard to be just friends after ofwhat we had, but for me I think is better if we just limit our conversationswork related I'm loosing you right now because this is how it need to be,because I know if we mean to be together it don't matter how much time willpass we will end up together, but for right now we just can't do it. I don'tknow if I'm clear but like I told you already about my priorities. I don't wantto hurt you on any way I care about you and always will be thinking on you."

 

5. I text her after a few days asking for clarification on the breakup. She doesn't respond.

 

6. I give her no contact for about 3 weeks. I then go to her husbands store (we all work for the same company) and that night she text me asking if we can talk. She calls and she asked me what my intentions are for going to her husbands store. I say I have none. She then tells me that she had been near my house several times on her way to see the immigration lawyer. I joked with her that maybe her heart was driving her to me. I think she say "Maybe" -- She then tells me "You don't have to worry about whether or not were thinking of you because we are; everyday." -- I told her I am thinking of them everyday also. She says "I told you if were meant to be together we will be together; I need you to trust me." -- I tell her "I do trust you; completely; the words you told me." -- She tells me "I don't feel that you do" -- I tell her "I do; completely."

 

We then talk about how the kids are doing and how her work is doing and we get off the phone after an hour.

 

7. A week ago Monday I text her asking if we could talk on the phone. She said "Yes". -- I send her a few text saying I was busy because I decided I was making a mistake trying to bring up asking clarification on her intents. Another week goes by and on Monday I do the same thing. She says she just woke up from a nap and had a headache and I told her we could talk later when she felt better. She replied "Ok, we'll talk later"

 

8. So that is where we are right now. I am unsure what to do; not to do; where I stand or anything. My best friend thinks her replying to my text is positive and I need to just trust her words about "Trusting her" -- But I don't really know what I'm trusting. I do trust her; but I'm not sure if I trust her intentions.